Getting out of constant ‘Survival Mode’
You may know my story – I’m mom to three kids (my kids are currently 6, 9 and 11) and I started out parenting with stars in my eyes. I believed if I just tried hard enough I could do everything right and not make any mistakes. Everything would be cozy! and nice! and…perfect!
And then came the first baby. I bet you know just how “perfectly” everything went. Hahahaha. It immediately became apparent that having kids was not going to be just how I thought it would be. Over the next few years as we added two more kids to our family, of course there were many bright spots, but I also discovered a few distressing things about myself:
1. I had a temper (before kids I thought I was really calm). Turns out – no, I just had been stuffing my anger away and had never dealt with the kind of fury my kids could evoke in me. I was shocked.
2. My perfect solutions never lasted. I kept looking for solution to things like sleep, tantrums, eating… Each time I thought I had it figured out though, things would change. I craved a feeling of confidence but instead I felt like I was constantly having the rug whipped out from under me.
One day I realized I was spending most of my time in survival mode – getting swept up in the chaos or the bad moments, and not noticing the good ones. I was enduring my kids rather than enjoying them, yelling more than hugging, and anxious the whole time that I was screwing it all up.
I was worried I’d be filled with regret later if I couldn’t stop yelling so much, I just wanted to enjoy my kids while they were still little!
A new mindset
Something had to change, I realized if I didn’t let go of how I thought my family should be, I’d never be fully present with the family I had. My just-try-harder and you’ll finally ‘get it right’ mindset was keeping me from recognizing the potential gifts of the present. I was so tired of waiting to get it right before I could enjoy my kids.
It has taken time, research and lots of practice, but I have changed the way I think about parenting and it has made all the difference.
I look for ways connection and showing love can weave into our everyday ‘daily-grind’, not requiring the moment to be ‘just so’.
Instead of thinking in terms of pass/fail I practice thinking in terms of connecting/learning, reducing the self-judgement and the pressure.
I’ve lightened up on myself, and been able to see that I can indeed be a connected loving and guiding parent, even if I don’t have it all figured out. This has reduced my guilt and overwhelm and allowed me to get a better hold on my temper too – I’m so much less harsh on myself now, making it easier to be less harsh on my kids too.
This growth oriented mindset shift allows me to experience a more rich and enjoyable family life.
I’m not a psychologist or a counselor. I’m a mom dedicated to using respect and love to raise kids who are independent, capable and caring people. What I didn’t know at the beginning of this parenting journey is that it would be the ultimate resilience training – I had to learn to bounce back over and over again when I would stumble, and I’ve stumbled a lot. What’s helped me most along the way was having support from other moms walking the same path.
That’s why I made Bounceback Parenting – so I could offer that support to others. I share my experiences, growth and the tools I gather as I continue to learn and build connected resilient relationships in my family.
I spent a lot of years thinking:
1. I had to get everything figured out and running smoothly and then we would have the happy/connected/fun/loving family I’d always pictured.
2. I would eventually find the right parenting tool/style and that would solve our frustrations.
3. That having frustration or anger in my family was an indication that we were failing.
All of those were misconceptions that kept me stuck in survival mode. The worst part about that for me is that by picturing that loving family as a destination I’d reach later, I kept missing out on the enjoyment of the ‘perfectly imperfect’ moments. I kept feeling bad about my parenting, and worried that I was failing, because I couldn’t see the good things happening.
The good news is, you don’t have to get everything right, right now. It’s possible to change your perspective and develop new habits that build connection and reduce the yelling, angry outbursts, and instead increase the connection and open communication.
It takes learning a few new tools and ways of thinking, practice, and what helps most is having the support of people who understand what you’re going through and can remind you of your best self and not judge you as you learn.
That’s why I created the Bounceback Parenting League!
The League is a learning community for parents like you who want to yell less and enjoy parenting more. With me as your ‘Director of Ops’ we’re on a mission for connection not perfection. More good, less should…and perhaps most importantly – more confidence and fewer regrets.
Bounceback Parenting League
In the League we do the inner work of finding healthy ways to deal with anger, of being more kind to ourselves, finding (or remembering) our purpose and seeing ourselves as whole even as we are works in progress.
It’s a place to rest and reset our thinking, to create new habits for getting calm, connecting and creating open communication in our families. We get a chance to ‘recenter’ whenever parenting becomes overwhelming. I mentor you in developing a more growth oriented, less guilty mindset. We dig into discovering who we are now, what our family’s strengths are, and how we can build on those strengths.
The concepts are simple, yet they take time to integrate fully, so we take things bit by bit and I give practical, concrete ways for you to try them in your own family life. In our private community we talk about our experiences, struggles and strengths so we can learn from and support one another.
What’s included in your membership:
All of our material is housed on a private site where you can access it any time during your membership.
Here’s what you get when you join:
Weekly Help for Dealing with Anger – Weekly short talks to improve your ability to handle anger in a healthy way. Hosted by Alissa these talks include worksheets, journal prompts and calming techniques. Presented first in our private Facebook group, then archived on our site so you can return to them easily. You can learn from a mom who’s been there when it comes to figuring out how to deal with anger.
Monthly Group Coaching Calls with Alissa – Q&A calls + topics of interest like building resilience and gratitude. Upcoming schedule: Jan 28th (building resilience), Feb 25th (connecting in spite of the daily grind) and Mar 22nd (parenting – when a your partner disagrees with your style) – the 1st half of each webinar will focus on one topic, the second half will be a Q&A time about anything you’re interested in.
Monthly Habits to Strengthen Relationships – each month we will take on one habit that increases connection and calm. We work on the little things that make a big difference in being able to build a foundation of trust and love with your kids. These are habits that fit into your regular days, making everyday connection possible.
Connected Parenting Solutions Video Library – this always growing library gives you ideas to try for solving specific frustrating parenting issues like getting kids to listen, dealing with sibling squabbles or encouraging independence so we can raise capable, responsible kids who are able (eventually) to take care of themselves.
Find your focus – It’s easier to guide your kids when you feel clear about where you’re going and why it’s important to you. All members get immediate access to the Focus Projects – a growing set of projects on topics important to our community such as writing a family purpose statement,m making meaningful holidays with less stress and improving family communication.
Supportive Community – Our private Facebook Group is safe and supportive community of like minded parents where you can ask questions, gain insights and share your experiences. Make new friends and connect with people who are growing and learning just like you.
Anytime easy email access to Alissa – Any time you’re uncertain or need support, you can send questions or comments. Seriously – I’m happy to help you wade through your thoughts, even if you don’t feel like the question is clear to you. I’m here to support you so you can feel better and more confident about your parenting. I like to stay in touch because your needs shape the program – We add and improve programs, printables, videos and downloads as we discover new needs and questions in our group.
Start any time, stay for as long as you wish. You can cancel any time or easily upgrade to a yearly membership simply by emailing email@example.com.
- Weekly chats on dealing with anger – short talks hosted by Alissa that include worksheets, journal prompts and calming techniques
- Monthly Group Coaching Calls with Alissa – Q&A calls + topics of interest like building resilience and gratitude
- Weekly inspiration emails to help you be more present and connected, no matter the daily grind of the to-do list
- Connected Parenting Solutions Video Library – this always growing library gives you ideas to try for soving specific frustrating parenting issues like getting kids to listen
- Journal Prompts – guided reflection
- Private Facebook Group – supportive community
- Focus Projects – immediate access to a growing collection of mini classes that help you add clarity and pupose to your family life
- Printable and downloadable resources
Save 33% – 4 months free!
When you join with a yearly membership you receive year long access at a 33% discount. I offer a 30 Money Back Guarantee.
I like the frank, honest, warm approach. The things you talk about and how you address them are very real and accessible, and doable for those of us who have particular worries about a child or our parenting, and who are wishing we could somehow get that bit better at it all :-)
As I talk with parents, I think we all have the same struggles--I think that talking is the first step in acknowledging that it is tough. This course divided common areas that are trouble spots into 4 specific weeks and gave practical steps and exercises to help me reflect on how I can do things better. I think it will help resolve a lot of the conflicts--especially with our (now) teenage son.
Thanks Alissa for your hints and connections with us. Since I signed up I am paying more attention to my connection moments as well as sneaking them into our day. And the moments do bring tears to my eyes.
30 Day Money-Back Guarantee
You are fully protected by my 100% Satisfaction-Guarantee. If you don’t feel like you’re taking baby steps towards better parenting with the League over the next 30 days, just let me email me (firstname.lastname@example.org) and I’ll send you a prompt refund.
This means you try the program for a full 30 days, (participating in least one of the lessons or live chats per week) – and if you decide it’s not right for you, email me before the end of the 31st day, and I’ll offer a prompt and courteous refund.
The best part is: This means you don’t have to make up your mind about membership right now. Enroll now…
..and decide if it’s right for you within 30 days.