Here’s What Kids Want Most
Our children look at us with so much wonder and ability to forgive. You can make mistakes and you are STILL so beautiful. What kids want most in not for you to be perfect.
I got a comment from a mom on my post about getting rid of negative self talk which made me want to explain more why I firmly believe in our ability to be loving, connected parents, even when we make mistakes.
In the comment Ann had read about a song my dad used to sing to me that contained the words “Oops you made a mistake and you’re beautiful to me“. But what struck me most about her comment was that she went on to say she often feels like a horrible mom.
This is spot on! Thank you so much. I too would love to know the words of that song. That is so precious that you have a recording of your Dad singing it. He sounds like he was an amazing Dad. I often feel like a horrible Mum. It amazes me when someone gives me a compliment like ‘you’re the best Mum’, ‘you’re a great Mum’, etc. I guess there is such pressure to be the perfect Mother and have the perfect children/family that we sometimes forget it’s okay to be human… it’s okay to make mistakes… we’re still beautiful. Thank you and bless you. x”
Ann says my dad sounds like he was an amazing dad…and he was…but there’s more to the story. My dad was a huge example to me of how someone can make a positive impact on their kids, even when they mess up. He gives me strength to this day because of how much he loved me when he was alive, but he made some bad mistakes.
My dad struggled with addiction, and in the end he died when he had a relapse and made the terrible mistake to drink and drive. He made many, many mistakes in his life, but ultimately, my brother and I remember him as a wonderful father whom we miss very much.
He must have had so many moments of self-doubt, worrying about the details he was getting wrong. I think we all worry – we’re all learning as we go, and with learning comes a slew of mistakes. We can get distracted worrying about each thing we’ve done wrong, but when it comes down to it, it’s very simple.
Kids know your heart, and they know if you’re really showing up.
What kids really want is not for you to be perfect. Kids want to be valued, to be accepted and to be listened to. We can forgive so much else if we have that.
As children my brother and I knew about my dad’s flaws; they weren’t hidden, and yet how proud I felt to be his daughter, holding his hand as he introduced me to his friends. How loved I felt because of how he listened to me deeply, and seemed to delight in knowing me.
When I notice I’m getting really down on myself as a mom, I remember how I felt about my dad. He made a lot of mistakes, but in fact, I didn’t perceive him to be flawed. I never questioned the depth of his love for me, and with his love came the warm assurance that I am somebody who matters.
Because he listened, because he gave me his attention and showed me what joy he got from knowing me – because of that, he loved me perfectly.
This mindset, that says that mistakes are the sign that we’re learning and growing, the mindset that says “Oops you made a mistake and you’re beautiful to me.” is called a growth mindset. In parenting is means we focus on connection not perfection. If you’d like to dive into it more deeply, join us in Bounceback Parenting’s membership site. You can find out about that here.
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Thank you for this reminder. I needed it.
I love your website. I always find what I am looking for, whether I know it or not. This article was beautiful and something that all of us mothers need to be reminded off. Thank you Alissa
Thanks so much Elsa.
Oh Boy does this hit home!!!
I lost my dad just about a year ago which happened to be a week before my baby girl was due. Though he didn’t struggle with addiction, he was clinically depressed most of his life. There are many things I regret not doing with him while he was here, but One thing for sure is I Know he loved me!!
I’ve struggled with ppd since my daughter was born, and though I’m doing much better now, there are still days I feel like a terrible mother. I think of my dad often; and you are so right, I don’t remember his faults. I remember his hilarious sense of humor.
I’m going to try to keep this in perspective when I’m having a “crappy mom” kind of day.
Thank you!!
This touched me deeply. I am estranged from both my parents…I had to- not because they weren’t perfect, but because they couldn’t be truthful with me and acknowledge the dysfunction in our family growing up. Your quote was perfectly beautiful:
Kids want to be valued, to be accepted and to be listened to. We can forgive so much else if we have that.
I tried so hard to be the perfect child hoping to be listened to and valued. I never smoked, have never been drunk, never tried any type of illegal drug, made straight A’s, went to church every Sunday and during the week, and tried to follow all the rules. My parents told me they loved me with words, but their actions told a completely different story. My mom ,who I adored, put me through hell when I was pregnant with my son (who’s now 3). She lived with us, and my husband and I even put her name on the deed to our house (stupid, I know) because we loved her so much and we wanted her to feel like an equal part/member of our family. In my husband’s culture, it is completely normal for extended family to live together. As soon as she found out I was pregnant (mind you: I was married, had been married for a few years, 28 years old, living in our house for 2 1/2 years, and my husband and I employed full time in the medical field at the same job for 7 years, and it was a planned pregnancy in which we made her aware ahead of time of our plan); as soon as she found out I was pregnant, she went psycho on us. At one point she got in my face and was trying to get me to hit her! She supposedly moved out only to return unexpectedly at random times, unannounced and harrass us! She threatened us with bogus threats about how she’d force us by law (claiming Grandparents Rights laws existed) to make our son have future unsupervised visitation rights with her (I was ready to move to my husband’s country if that had been true). Since she worked as a clerk in the local courthouse, we thought it was true and had to consult an attorney to find out it was a lie! We would come home from work and find all of our silverware missing…or wake up and our plates would be gone! It got so bad, we put outside locks on our bedroom doors! However, we hung in there as long as we could, believing and hoping to reconcile things and salvage the relationship. The last straw for us was when we received a text from our neighbor who told us there was a locksmith at our door and a pickup truck (to unlock those bedroom doors!!!!!)!!!!!! We had to call the police and my husband had to rush home from work! He showed up to her trying to remove/move things from the house! This was the ONLY time the police finally did SOMETHING (which was to keep her from moving things out of our house that day). Other than that, they pretty much did NOTHING because she was considered an owner too. We couldn’t even change the locks on the doors! If I hadn’t been pregnant, I would’ve stayed and fought it, but I couldn’t put my child through any more drama! We had already used up enough of our time from work to deal with her drama (with a baby in the way)! We essentially became homeless, fleeing the house. I had to move twice while pregnant! We moved in with friends (putting our stuff in storage) as fast as possible, till we could find a rental. Once we were gone, she moved back in and moved her boyfriend in too. 3 1/2 years later, we still can’t live in our own home unless we want to take her to court and fight a complicated, lengthy, expensive court battle! But it’s not worth the time, energy, money, or peace. But I still say, my son saved my life!!! Once I was out of her clutches, I realized how manipulative, controlling, and deceptive she was and why as a child I had struggled against depression and panic attacks! And I’m finally happy and at peace!
My father, put me through a similar hell, but at least his behavior could be medically explained….I have forgiven him but have not spoken to him since 2009. I still get calls after so many years from detectives trying to locate him for writing fraudulent checks (felony charges)….
I heard this quote (not sure who it’s originally by), that sums up my goal as a mom:
MY ONLY GOAL AS A MOM:
Raise children that don’t have to recover from their childhood.
I’m glad this touched your heart Beth. And I hope it helps remind you of some of the most simple things that matter to kids most in showing love.
This gives me a new perspective on my own childhood and me and my dad. Think you for this ‘gift’
Thanks for reading Louise. Talking about here and with people who’ve read it continues to bring me new perspective on what love from a parent means as well.
Thank you for sharing this. It helps to know others have gone through similar things and it makes you a very strong and very dedicated person and parent! Your random readers are proud of you if that makes you feel any better! Therefore, we just keep on following you 🙂
Thanks Laurie!
You’re so right, reading you help me a lot in mothering, raising my children in a good way. I think when we ask ourselves if we’re a good mum, we’ve already done the half way, we just want the best for our kids
Thanks Aurore. I hope we can keep walking that balance of being present and appreciating what we have while also striving to be better parents. Glad to have you reading here.
Thank you!!! I love reading all of your posts–your words help make me feel uplifted!! As a new mom that works full-time I sometimes get tired, frustrated, or impatient with myself and daughter and then get bummed about not being the “perfect” mom
Hugs! One working mom to another – you’ve got this! Thanks for reading.
Thank you so much for writing this post. I was especially touched and inspired by you feeling that your dad loved you perfectly because he showed such delight in knowing you. This particular point resignated with me because from a child ‘s point of view how special and proud do they feel when they can really see and feel how much their parents love knowing them.
Tonight when my daughter kept calling out to me to come to her room and snuggle after we had spent the whole day together, my first reaction was my need for “me” time ( which was work time actually ) but something triggered in me and I felt compelled to put aside my important work to share this bedtime snuggle with this precious little girl who was asking so innocently for snuggles. It was so worth it.
Thanks so much again for sharing your story about your dad.
Sincerely
Tracy
Thank you Tracy.
This. This right here made me suddenly realize my boys do love me for who I am; even when I make mistakes. Thanks for this
It always feels like crud to make mistakes , but yes you’re so loved mistakes and all.
Thank you for this reminding me, too. See, I had a day that I had to apologize to all five of my kids, even the one year old. I yelled at everyone. I sought forgiveness and my seven year old said, “Mom, you’re amazing.” Still hurting and working on forgiving myself, I asked how that could be. She responded, “Because you’re my mom.” I don’t have to be perfect, just her mom.
“Because you’re my mom”
Arghhh-, that just gets you right in the ticker!!!
These utterly amazing, wise little beasts that we raise!
Gorgeous!!!
this was a very sweet and moving post. Thanks for writing about this.
Thank you for sharing your heart with all of us on a daily basis. Today’s post couldn’t have come at a better time. Thank you for the gift of YOU! Keep doing what you do and helping us all be more connected and less worried about getting it right. God Bless!
Thanks for writing this. I am struggling in a mum funk right now but I’m slowly making my way out of the other side. This has helped inspire & remind me that, at the end of the day, we’re only human & making mistakes is okay because its how you learn. Thanks again x
(Tear) simply, beautifully said! I feel at home. Thank you so very much!
Jen, to be told I’ve made you feel at home is one of the best compliments I’ve ever gotten.
Thanks,
Alissa