How often do you catch yourself thinking “I just have to make it until bedtime…”?
Last week’s journal prompt “Engage” got a lot of people thinking, many readers identified with being in survival mode. When Lorien, the writer of those prompts, called me to check if the response she’d written to the following comment was alright, she read it aloud to me and I said, “You may not put that in my comment section. It needs to be a blog post!” If you are “just surviving” right now, I hope this helps you take heart. ~Alissa
By Lorien Van Ness
Anyone else feel like you are just surviving life? This comment hit home for me and I wonder how many other parents can relate:
Is it bad that I feel like I’m surviving life? I’m a mom of two, one 3 and the other 2. I survive them daily. If I engaged in them, I’d play with them more and interact with them. But I don’t. I survive by getting through each meal, snack, nap, tantrum, bickerment. I also survive my house. I do the laundry I keep the kitchen mostly clean, of dirty dishes and clean counter tops. But if I engaged I’d have my refrigerator cleaned out and other things would be clean. I mean really cleaned. I cant tell you the last time I cleaned my floors. Besides spot wiping when something has been spilt.
I’d love to engage in me. I’d like to know who I am, besides a wife and mother. I’d like to see what I like to do instead of what I have to do..
I’d like to disengage from other moms that “have it all together” come on. Let’s just be real with one another . Being a mom is hard. Not every moment is gracious and glorious. This is a hard job.
Thank you for your Should of article it’s all so true.,
Tonja
To Tonja and any other parents stuck in survival mode:
I couldn’t agree with you more; being a mom is one heck of a hard job, and not only does it often not feel gracious or glorious it is often tedious! Caring for really young children is all consuming and it can really take its toll.
I don’t think it is “bad” that you are in survival mode, I think its a way to cope, and believe me I have been there. In fact a large part of the reason I chose the word Engage for this week’s journal prompt is because I am often there now. I’ve noticed that I have been just trying to make it through the task at hand or the day as a whole.
I catch myself thinking I just have to make it until bedtime…
And then that Should Mama follows it up with: How awful, I am missing their childhoods! I should be playing with them, enjoying them; they will only be young once!
…but I’ll be honest and say that I am almost too exhausted to feel guilty… almost.
So why did I write a journal prompt about engaging? It actually wasn’t in an effort to “should” all over myself, but rather to help discover where there might be little places I could engage in my life, in tiny, tiny doable pieces; to really examine what I could do and what I needed to let go of. After all I am no superwoman, I can’t do it all. Because of the work I have done in the Everyday Connections course I know that if I can find small sustainable ways to engage with my life I will feel less guilty about being in survival mode when that is all I can really manage.
One thing I have come to see about having multiple toddlers and preschoolers to care for is that it is time and energy consuming on a level that is difficult to understand unless you have done it, but it doesn’t last forever. Things will change, you will catch your breath.
- Don’t worry about engaging the laundry or the fridge; they will still be there.
- Look at those things you want to be engaging in and think of one or two easy ways you could dip your toes into engaging.
- Keep it short and simple. Aim for 5 or 10 minutes.
- Let go of the big picture and focus on the moment.
- Engaging is not about getting it RIGHT or doing it all, it’s about being present (if only for a moment).
Most importantly allow yourself some grace and don’t allow it to become a should fest.
Be Well,
Lorien
Do you ever get stuck in survival mode? Do you have recommendations for small ways to connect with your kids and find bits of enjoyment even when things are really hard? Leave a comment below and let us know!
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I find thinking about what I would like to do and inviting the kids along often helps me engage if we’re stuck in a rut. For example, I really enjoy musicals. So making popcorn and watching all the songs in Sound of Music, or cleaning the house listening to a favorite soundtrack can help my mood. If I get too focused on what they want to do (and forget my own preferences) I tend to “turn off” my attention more often. Including things I enjoy can be very helpful.
Chelsea, I agree; inviting your kids to do something that you enjoy is so helpful. Not only can you engage in a way that meets your own needs but I think kids want to be included in our hobbies and interests. Even as an adult I feel valued when someone wants to share their hobby or interest with me. And when you are feeling maxed out doing something to treat yourself such as popcorn and a musical can really help ease your stress!
I think we have all felt like Tonja and some stage and not just in relation to our children. But please remember, our children’s expectations are so much lower than we would believe. Their imagination will add the extra ingredient to any play engagement- the blanket draped over the chairs will be their castle, the unplanned story won’t sound wrong to them, the tickle and hug you give them will be enough. They do not judge you the way you judge yourself.
Neasa, this is such a great point! So often we assume that our interactions with our children must be elaborate or they wont count. We really are enough, even when we are not at our best. It is ok if a smile is all you can manage because for your child a smile from YOU is so valuable. Your child want’s you for you not some idealized perfect you. Thank you for adding your thoughts to this post!
So well put- I love the part about doable engaging- not shoulding! It is really powerful and freeing for those of us who get overwhelmed with the big picture. Guilt is no place to live. Thank you for the encouragement, it helps to know we’re not alone, and thAt bit by bit survival living will become living in the moment! That’s a truly beautiful place to live!
Both adults in our house are sick right now, and we are coping by allowing virtually unlimited screen time. That feels kind of icky, but I also know it’s temporary. One thing I’ve found I can handle even when I’m feeling terrible is a game of cards. So I’ve invited each kid to play with me each day. Those few minutes of connection will be enough for now. I’ve also sat in the kitchen and given directions while they put together the bulk of the meals. It is a genuine help to not have to be moving around so much, and they like the one on one time and feeling of accomplishment.
I find when I am just surviving the day, or the moment, that going outside in nature helps. My daughter loves it in our garden, she will always find something to interest her and often I will feel the sun on my skin, or hear the birds sing and inevitably I will get lifted by the nature around us too & i’ll feel better & more connected if even for that half hr or so. Another fav is to go lay on my bed with her & look at her books or have a gentle play fight or tickle…I’m laying down…bliss! and she’s got connection…and we usually end up giggling at something or having a cuddle.
Yes! Great point! On the days I’m feeling like I’m barely hanging on if I remember to just GO OUTSIDE, even for ten minutes it can turn around my attitude.
Great post. Sometimes I think these pop up in my feed at EXACTLY the right time so much that it freaks me out!
I have found it helpful to create “busy” boxes…literally activities-in-a-box that will keep my 2.5 year old twins entertained for 15-20 minutes at a time. I use them in two ways, when I need to engage in cooking dinner or laundry and my husband isn’t home yet, these boxes are great to keep the twins busy with an activity they don’t have regular exposure/access to. The other way I use them is when I AM feeling in survival mode (most days I feel that way at least to SOME degree!) and I’m struggling to come up with something to keep the kiddos entertained. It is tough to engage all the time, especially when you’re so tired! And when the kids are up by 7am or earlier everyday and 4pm rolls around, I’ve been “on duty” for about 9 hours – well let’s just say my brain isn’t firing on all cylinders. It’s good to hear that others out there feel the same way I do and can offer up ideas and support one another.
LaurenDavisHeller Yes – busy boxes have saved the day for me sometimes! The only thing I’ve found difficult is to put aside a little time to make them up. Once I do though, they’re a huge help. Have you found any that are surefire activities for your twins? 2.5 is a BUSY age!