What to do when a child wants attention but responds negatively – Reader Question
Reader Question – Can you help?! Some questions that are better answered by the collective wisdom of the Creative With Kids community rather than just me. Share what you know in the comments!
My Child is Giving Negative Response to Attention – but Wants Attention!
“I am a single parent to a two (almost three) year old little boy. Lately I’ve been struggling a lot with connecting with my son. I think the most difficult thing for me is that most times when I try to engage with him he gives me this look like I’m absolutely insane, and just continues doing his own thing. I feel like I’m putting a lot of effort into connecting with him and I’m not getting anything from him. He’s been acting out because he wants my attention, but when I try to give it to him I only get negative responses from him. I’m pretty much at my wits end. And that is why I’m reaching out, hoping to find…something…hope, answers, advise…”
Alissa’s Response: I think the key here is not taking the negative emotions personally, and seeing them as emotions your child is feeling safe enough to express with you. This question made me think about is the section in Playful Parenting (amazon affilaite) by Lawrence J. Cohen, when he talks about “Unlocking the tower of isolation.” He reminds us that reconnecting not only brings out positive feelings, it also brings up lots of sensitive feelings. Sometimes reconnecting can make a child (or adult) realize just how lonely, afraid or abandonded they’ve been feeling and these are scary feelings.
If we can keep playfully trying to connect and allow our kids to safely experience these feelings we can allow them to work though the negative with empathy and help them find their confidence and contentedness again.
Related Posts:
- Hug it Out, Calming an Angry Child
- Return to Happy – A photo project with your child to get you out of a bad mood phase
- Sensory Activities are often favorites with kids this age and can be a very effective way to connect and play together.
This is a question I posted to Facebook before -some of my favorite answers are below:
- “Participate in activities that your both involved in but are parallel, such as eating out, bowling etc so he doesn’t feel like your eyes are on him and perhaps awaiting a negative response.
Also- put together a reward chart and let him decide what the treat will be at the end!!
Reward chart arnt just for ‘naughty kids’!! Kids love routines and structure!! X” ~Laura G.
- “I was also a single parent of a then 3 yr old. I started a tradition of talking about our “happy, sad, and silly” each day, often at dinner time or bedtime. It gave me a chance to hear about his day from his perspective- what made him happy, sad, and what was silly today? Then I took a turn, sharing my day with him. We learned about each other’s days, connected, and it often opened up a lot of conversation. 4 years later we still do it everyday. He looks forward to it…” ~Jennifer H.
- “Remember at 2 years old they don’t play with others. My daughter used to say come play with me, what she meant was come sit right next to me while I play by my self and ignore you. It is a phase and will pass. Don’t feel bad about not connecting. He knows you are there with/for him and for right now that is enough.” ~Maria B.
If you have experience or helpful ideas, please leave your comment for our community!
To submit your own reader question you may email me at: [email protected]
Thanks!
~Alissa
64 Positive Things to Say to Kids
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I just came across your site and am finding it so helpful! However, I am unable to see any of the comments that are posted below each article. Is there a trick or am I just missing them?? Thanks!
Hi Amy, I’m in the middle of a re-design and I have a few glitches on my site right now. The comment thing is one of them. Its driving me batty, but should be fixed in a week or two and then the site will be much prettier and easier to navigate!
I think if the mom just nonchalantly goes about her business, he will come to her.
I like these! So sweet and gentle-hearted, each response.
I love all these suggestions mine would be to try quietly joining in. Don’t try to take over or lead the play, just join in. Engaging with him at his level and on his terms may help.
Yes! Omg!
Let him come to you my eldest son was very independent and he liked to be by himself he is seven and still the same I would try to force interaction on him but when I stepped back I realised I was the same as a child I liked my own company and having someone else push in on what I was doing made me uncomfortable and put me off what I was doing. So try stepping back and just letting him go once I did this with my eldest I found he would quite often come up to me and ask me if I would like to play something or read a book or help him colour in his picture. let him ask properly and instigate exactly what it is he wants you to do if he acts negatively towards you still simply get up and walk away if he asks you again simply state to him I will not play with you if your going to be a bully kids are never too young too learn that
Ask him what he’d like you to do. “Would you like me to help you with that?” Or just ask permission to join in his play “can I play too?” If he says no, respect that, but keep asking. Let him lead the play though. He might feel like you’re “taking over” his play. Playdoh is great, ask him what he’d like you to make, then see if he can make one too. Keep trying, but also let him play by himself if that’s what he chooses.
Just be with him and let him know you are there. Start playing with the playdough or legos so he knows you have something in common.
Never underestimate an apology to a toddler, especially if you expect him to say sorry for things. Even though you probably feel like your hands are full, he doesn’t understand, just sees and interprets your actions the only way he knows how. Does he like tickles? Starting off with a good laugh helps lighten the mood and pressure…
*if he says negative things to you explain to him that what he says makes you feel sad & that you will only play or talk to him when he can say nice things to make u happy. Emotion sticks are good. Draw expression faces ie sad, happy , angry, surprised and stick them on sticks . Whatever he makes you feel u hold it up or put it on shelf where he can see it. It won’t take him long until he starts understanding that u only give him attention when he makes u happy. 🙂
When he is playing , set out another box of toys that u knw he likes and play with them yourself. Don’t give him eye contact, just play n talk out loud, so he can hear u having fun. Kids can’t resist joining in with a fun activity…. Hopefully then the communication and interaction between you both will be a start of something to continue. … Good luck & don’t try toooo hard – kids are extremely clever! 😉