You Know What Will Ruin My Kids?
Banishing the Should Mama
This post is an excerpt from my book Bounceback Parenting: A Field Guide for Creating Connection not Perfection. This moment sparked a huge transformation for my parenting, reducing guilt and allowing me to enjoy my family more.
—————–
It’s definitely after midnight when I hear her crying. again.
This isn’t one of those times she’ll just drift off back to sleep. It’s the third (fourth?) time she’s awoken crying. I’ve been up and down all night – just falling asleep only to be awoken again.
She’s got to be sick…I don’t feel a fever…what’s going ON!?
I sit by her bed, exhausted, foggy, trying to get her back to sleep, trying to figure out if she’s had a nightmare or if she’s about to puke in my hair. Perhaps she’s getting a cold….?
I’m so tired. I’m pleading, “Please, Z, Mama is tired and she wants to go to bed. Can you go back to sleep now? Please?”
And then The Guilt starts (It’s 1am, do you know where your guilt is?)
You know, says the voice in my head...
You should stop telling her about how tired you are – it’s teaching her to put others needs ahead of her own.
If you were doing this right you’d come up with a story right now to help her fall asleep. She would always remember how kind you were at night. You should be like that.
For that matter, you don’t read picture books to her enough. You should read to her more.
For goodness sake! She fell asleep listening to the Harry Potter with her brothers. I think maybe you’re ruining her toddlerhood. I bet she’s crying right now because she’s having terrible Harry Potter nightmares.
And look at this room they share!
You should have had them clean before bed – look at her, poor girl, she’s taking all her toys onto her bed because she has no clean tidy space.
Toddlers need order. They crave it. You might be ruining her brain with this mess.
You should get rid of more toys.
You should be telling her a story.
You should get the boys on a better schedule.
You should have made them clean up before bed.
You should have brushed her teeth, not let her do it on her own.
You should teach them better money sense.
You should make them write thank you notes more quickly.
You should eat dinner at the table every night.
You should.
You should.
You should.
You……you know what?
You’re probably ruining your kids.
You should…
Oh my goodness! I finally snap out of it.
I am squatting, uncomfortably, by my toddler at 1am.
And you know what Should Mama? I haven’t lost it! I haven’t snapped at her or used an aggravated voice or walked out in a huff to leave her alone; I might not be perfect, but I am being patient and loving and back-rubbing and I am so TIRED. Really, really danged tired.
I’m doing ok here, and I cannot keep trying to be this Should Mama that my insecurities thrust at me.
I sit in the dark rubbing my daughter’s back. Her perfect little face is finally calm again as she falls asleep, soothed from her discomfort. Safe with her mama’s touch.
Me. She needs me. She doesn’t want that other mom who always keeps a clean living room and sings like Snow White.
She doesn’t waste time comparing me to the Should Mama. She wants her mama here being patient in the dark.
She wants ME.
You know what will ruin my kids? It’s not any of those thing on the list of shoulds.
What will ruin my kids is if I let all of those “shoulds” bury the things that make me, me.
In the early hours of the morning I sit in the bedroom of my sleeping children and make a promise to myself.
My kids may not get someone who has schedules down to a science. They may not get the mama who always has fun games for clean up time. They may not get the birthday party perfect mama.
But they WILL GET ME.
And you know what?
I make really good pancakes.
I can make up a silly jingle for any situation. I know how to do an under-dog push on the swing, make a bridge when I shuffle cards, and I can start a conversation with anyone. I can uplift a friend when they are down, and make a guest feel comfortable in my home. I find the positive side of a problem and I find gratitude in distressing times.
I will not let the Should Mama take that from my kids. I will not waste all of my time comparing myself to her and let her suck the joy out of my parenting.
Oh, I’ll keep learning, I’ll keep questioning. I will look a those ‘shoulds’, but I will not be held hostage by them, because I am somebody right now and my kids need me.
Right now my kids need me.
What “should” are you struggling with right now? What parenting “should” do you have worked up in your mind as that which would make you a much better parent, a worthy and deserving parent? Is it getting in the way of enjoying the things you ARE good at in parenting? Could it even be stopping you from shining when your kids would love to see you shine?
That’s what they need.
Your kids need YOU.
64 Positive Things to Say to Kids
Subscribe to the Bounceback Field Notes to Download your FREE printable of 64 Positive Things to Say to Kids
So very true! I have been praying daily for God to help me be the mother He wants me to be. I don’t want to be someone who is so busy comparing myself to other moms that I lose ME in the process & ruin my children. Awesome post!
This sentiment can hardly apply to a follower of god. You’re already a “Should be” person, and you’ll likely force your children into it too.
They grow up so fast…just love and enjoy them!!
Yes!
I love that quote and this is one of my all time favourite blog posts 🙂
Thanks for this… <3 This brought tears to my eyes.. I am not the kind of mama that I wish could be.. sometimes I despair if just being there for my babies is enough.. I am faced with insecurities, especially when there are criticisms (mil).. Thank you for the reassurance.. <3
Best bit of advice I once read: replace the word ‘should’ with ‘could’. Reframe the thought. Game changer.
Mitchelle Capobianco. We should share this on little whalers face book its quite beautiful and reassuring to parents that all kids really need is your love. Have a read and see what you think xx
Hello i want to testify about a great man of power and potentials that helped me cast a spell that brought my ex partner back to me without any delay. I broke up with my ex with just little misunderstanding hoping we will get back shortly,but things was growing worse until i contacted Dr Okedi who helped me with his historical powers to bring my partner, without any delay, i have never believed in a spell caster until i come across Dr Okedi he is a powerful and generous man… In case you need the help of this great spell caster you can contact him through his email:([email protected]) or call him on (+2348110858554) well friends i will advise you put him to a test and believe in him….
<3
This. This is what made me love you!
I love this! With just hitting the big 4-0, I have been really reflecting on how I spend my time and making my life meaningful. I realized that I spend so much of my time beating myself up and telling myself I should be “doing” more, that I don’t accomplish enough every day! My goal is to focus more on “loving” more instead- my kids, my family, God and others!
Thanks for sharing this! I am so glad I found your blog, as I am just starting out with mine and it has a similar theme to this one! Can’t wait to share the journey with you…
Shannon
http://www.JoyintheWorks.com
Thank you for writing this, and I am so thankful I found this to read tonight! I am so hard on myself, and I needed to read this. I am that mama up until however late it takes, rubbing my daughter’s little back, singing a lullaby. She is my heart walking around outside my body, to paraphrase one of my favorite quotes. But I do so much damage to myself because I never trust that I’m ever doing the right thing … nothing (at least in my opinion) is ever good enough. I’m a single mom living in a high-cost area (Washington, DC) on a government worker’s income. I blame myself for living in a small apartment and not a good-sized home, which would make her life better. I blame myself that she can’t have her own room yet, because I don’t have a huge yard to offer her, so that she can play in it. I blame myself because I can’t afford the better daycare with a full curriculum when she turns 2. I blame myself because I cannot afford to send her to classes like dance or gymnastics, because all my paycheck will cover are the essentials like diapers, food, shelter, electricity, internet (which I need for work), daycare, etc. I believe she deserves so much more, and when I think about these things, I get really sad. I cry about it a lot. And yet she’s oblivious to those concerns. She just wants her mama to hold her close. She wraps those tiny arms around me and mashes her little face against mine and gives me the biggest, most wonderful kisses. All the while that I’m living inside my head and worrying about what I can give her, I realize I just need to take the choke-hold off of myself and make every moment count, and just be there for her when she falls down, and when she needs guidance in the world, and try to be the best that I can with what I do have, so that one day she can be proud of who her mama is … I may not have a lot of material things to give her, or the money to provide her with those nicer things I’d like her to have in her life … but I do have a lot of love and resilience, and she goes to bed each night with a full belly, a lot of kisses and hugs, and a warm bed in a safe environment. That has to count for something.
Thank you, I needed this today. I work full time and feel I “should” be home more and I “should” play more. I should, should, should goes through my head all day. I feel like I am not enough for them sometimes. And then I looked in my gym bag that I bring to work and my 5 year old drew a picture for me and snuck it in there that says “I love you Mommy”.
I shouldn’t do anything, just be me. Because in the end I am enough for them!
Thanks again for a positive reminder!
Thank you so much Ali, this is a great article! So many ‘shoulds’ running through my mind, but this puts it all in perspective
thank you very very much for this! This is what I am doing lately – trying to tell what is and is not “me”. And also I feel guilty that I dont play as much as I SHOULD with my children as SAHM . I worry that when all thos rough&beautifull years will be over and in 6mos we will be back to our homeland and I will have to start work then I will regret. But actually now, those very days my little daughter shows interest in working and playing with me. My son looked confused when I turned to him as a baby, he also threw away all those books that I tried to show him occasionally. so I felt guilty but somehow smeared my guilt with all the thoughts about “idle parenting”” (where you let little person just explore him self and involve as less as possible, but it is not meant like you ignore him). So I read all those crafty blogs with Montessori and felt lazy and guilty that I dont do it with my son. But when I tried he just was always creative what else to do with all the materials. So we justt went more Valdorf and went to woods. I just love woods and my son too. So we left Madam Guilt at home and went “fishing” in big tree roots and searching for little gnomes and “‘drive” a big “fallen-tree-root-truck”.. as I right this comment I also do – what-i-am-good-mommy ;)! Thank you!
Catharine, one to read in your early days of motherhood and remember for the long term.
I love this one!
This picture of your daughter asleep with your hand in hers is wonderful. I perfectly recognize the situation and the feelings.
This is great!
I love this. The shoulds bring me down.
Love this – really enjoyed reading. So real!
Thank you!
Oh my heck yes!!!!!
Heather Hassell read this. This is exactly where we both were the other day!
Ciera Krom
Last night when my baby needs me, I let the things that should happen took me away. I totally ruin my baby.
I just wrote about some of my should’s too! https://forelysium.wordpress.com/2014/12/08/a-healthy-dose-of-mommy-guilt/
I saw myself when you wrote about your thoughts circulating while comforting your child in the middle of the night. It’s so easy to fall into. Thanks for this!
this is the most usefull thing I have ever read ! everybody should see this ! I am a preschool teacher and all I hear from mothers is to blame theirselves, and looking, searching something wrong in what they do.
I am from Turkiye. if you give me permission, I would love to translate it in Turkish and send it to a non-profit educational website, by giving reference to your website, of course.
You may want to look at some of the research on this. Complimenting kids doesn’t build their self esteem. Working hard and succeeding does. NurtureShock is a great book that covers this topic. Basically “You’re such a good girl” praises something your daughter can’t do/control. “I notice that you did your chores before I asked,” shows her that you see her and lets her take pride in her own accomplishments. Similarly, “It’s great the way you finished that yoga work out. It looked hard,” lets her know what “repeatable” behavior was good. Kids who are praised the wrong way become risk-averse and timid. I have to constantly catch myself describing innate qualities my kids have and instead focus on what they did/are doing. (This also applies to negative feedback. “You’re naughty” is destructive. “We don’t color on anything but paper. Here’s a MagicEraser so you can fix that back up,” shows your faith in their intelligence. How to Talk so Kids Will Listen is a great book on this topic.)
I really love this article. I feel like mommy guilt is so overwhelming sometimes. I actually even started a blog called https://theguiltymommy.com/ so I could write letters to my kids “apologizing” for this and that. It is slowly turning into a place where all moms can go and share some of
their own mommy guilt without judgement and maybe realize they
aren’t alone. Great article.
that is the most positive thing ive ever read about being a mother…im crying right now…yes doing chores is not important than ur kid comfort…im going to leave kitchen and gona kiss my toddler son although he is sleeping right now…thank u so much for such a heart touching post 🙂 God bless u
Thank you Alissa! I am crying right now reading this! I am so happy I am not alone! I am going to a therapist for my anxiety of going through the “I should” in every situation! Making myself miserable and stressed trying to be a perfect parent! Thank you! I should be paying you instead of the therapist. Alissa this article was a saving GRACE! You Rock Mama!
Tina
OH, I am there now, too. Sooooo tired and wishing my 14 mo old would sleep through the night! The only “should” I am thinking at that point is “I SHOULD be doing sleep training to make her sleep 12 hours every night.” And yet, another part of me says, she doesn’t need sleep training, she needs her mama. Thanks for this article! I needed it this morning.
My son is 14 now and I remember nights like that. You’re going to make it through! The best part is, all of the things you did right shines in them as they get older plus you still have time to fix the things you messed up on:) Of course the “shoulds” never completely go away but seeing your child turn into an amazing human being quiets most of them.
I needed this tonight. Thank you.
Amen to that! My should?…I should be more calm / less paranoid; more patient; more spontaneous. But I’ve had numerous heart to heart talks with my son and he insists he wants Mama just as she is. Is there anything else I could possibly need? :-))
@Holly You’re right. There are so many reasons why mom gets up several times a night. Maybe she’s a single mom, maybe dad works night shift. And if it’s like my house, maybe dad just won’t do it, and I don’t want him to, he doesn’t have patience during the day, there is no way I want him getting up and being grouchy with them at night, one way or the other I’ll end up getting up with them. With our first he would get out of bed and bring me the baby in the night, that lasted the 3 weeks he was off work, then I was on my own. With our youngest he never once woke up with her, not even in the hospital and I was recovering from a c section. I was always the one up with her and if her fussing woke up her 3.5 year old brother I was up with him too. I manage, and I get the middle of the night snuggles that he doesn’t even want to know about. I am happy to get up with them when it’s something they need, when they are just being silly and not wanting to sleep then I give a kiss and go back to bed. That said mine are now 5 and 9 so they understand why I go back to bed. My littlest needs me more than her brother, and she has the big comfy bed, so when she wakes more than once before 2am, I just climb in with her and go back to sleep, it means I get the sleep I need and she generally doesn’t wake back up before morning. And it isn’t making her do it more and more often like all my friends suggest it will, we do this maybe once every 2 or 3 weeks. Plus I just realized that perhaps the reason she was waking up was now that summer is over it gets colder in the house at night, and I hadn’t gotten out the heavier blanket, now that I have added that she doesn’t even get up with the alarm, I have to wake her. If marriage had to be 50/50 we wouldn’t be considered to be married. In our house it’s 99% mom with the kids 1% dad, and 80% dad with the food and 20% mom, and the rest of the catagories fall squarely on mom’s shoulders.
I really enjoyed this article
My LO is not a toddler yet, she is 10 months and for the past 2.5 months I have been sleeping with her, I don’t know if it’s sleep regression or if she’s teething but whenever I try to put her in the crib she cries… I cannot leave her like that, I won’t so I lay down next to her on the mattress in her room and we fall asleep. I miss my own bed, I miss my husband:) but my baby needs me and I will be there for her for as long as she needs me to be there for her.