You Know What Will Ruin My Kids?
Banishing the Should Mama
This post is an excerpt from my book Bounceback Parenting: A Field Guide for Creating Connection not Perfection. This moment sparked a huge transformation for my parenting, reducing guilt and allowing me to enjoy my family more.
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It’s definitely after midnight when I hear her crying. again.
This isn’t one of those times she’ll just drift off back to sleep. It’s the third (fourth?) time she’s awoken crying. I’ve been up and down all night – just falling asleep only to be awoken again.
She’s got to be sick…I don’t feel a fever…what’s going ON!?
I sit by her bed, exhausted, foggy, trying to get her back to sleep, trying to figure out if she’s had a nightmare or if she’s about to puke in my hair. Perhaps she’s getting a cold….?
I’m so tired. I’m pleading, “Please, Z, Mama is tired and she wants to go to bed. Can you go back to sleep now? Please?”
And then The Guilt starts (It’s 1am, do you know where your guilt is?)
You know, says the voice in my head...
You should stop telling her about how tired you are – it’s teaching her to put others needs ahead of her own.
If you were doing this right you’d come up with a story right now to help her fall asleep. She would always remember how kind you were at night. You should be like that.
For that matter, you don’t read picture books to her enough. You should read to her more.
For goodness sake! She fell asleep listening to the Harry Potter with her brothers. I think maybe you’re ruining her toddlerhood. I bet she’s crying right now because she’s having terrible Harry Potter nightmares.
And look at this room they share!
You should have had them clean before bed – look at her, poor girl, she’s taking all her toys onto her bed because she has no clean tidy space.
Toddlers need order. They crave it. You might be ruining her brain with this mess.
You should get rid of more toys.
You should be telling her a story.
You should get the boys on a better schedule.
You should have made them clean up before bed.
You should have brushed her teeth, not let her do it on her own.
You should teach them better money sense.
You should make them write thank you notes more quickly.
You should eat dinner at the table every night.
You should.
You should.
You should.
You……you know what?
You’re probably ruining your kids.
You should…
Oh my goodness! I finally snap out of it.
I am squatting, uncomfortably, by my toddler at 1am.
And you know what Should Mama? I haven’t lost it! I haven’t snapped at her or used an aggravated voice or walked out in a huff to leave her alone; I might not be perfect, but I am being patient and loving and back-rubbing and I am so TIRED. Really, really danged tired.
I’m doing ok here, and I cannot keep trying to be this Should Mama that my insecurities thrust at me.
I sit in the dark rubbing my daughter’s back. Her perfect little face is finally calm again as she falls asleep, soothed from her discomfort. Safe with her mama’s touch.
Me. She needs me. She doesn’t want that other mom who always keeps a clean living room and sings like Snow White.
She doesn’t waste time comparing me to the Should Mama. She wants her mama here being patient in the dark.
She wants ME.
You know what will ruin my kids? It’s not any of those thing on the list of shoulds.
What will ruin my kids is if I let all of those “shoulds” bury the things that make me, me.
In the early hours of the morning I sit in the bedroom of my sleeping children and make a promise to myself.
My kids may not get someone who has schedules down to a science. They may not get the mama who always has fun games for clean up time. They may not get the birthday party perfect mama.
But they WILL GET ME.
And you know what?
I make really good pancakes.
I can make up a silly jingle for any situation. I know how to do an under-dog push on the swing, make a bridge when I shuffle cards, and I can start a conversation with anyone. I can uplift a friend when they are down, and make a guest feel comfortable in my home. I find the positive side of a problem and I find gratitude in distressing times.
I will not let the Should Mama take that from my kids. I will not waste all of my time comparing myself to her and let her suck the joy out of my parenting.
Oh, I’ll keep learning, I’ll keep questioning. I will look a those ‘shoulds’, but I will not be held hostage by them, because I am somebody right now and my kids need me.
Right now my kids need me.
What “should” are you struggling with right now? What parenting “should” do you have worked up in your mind as that which would make you a much better parent, a worthy and deserving parent? Is it getting in the way of enjoying the things you ARE good at in parenting? Could it even be stopping you from shining when your kids would love to see you shine?
That’s what they need.
Your kids need YOU.

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good job..wonderfully written.
So great this article, I totally got myself !!
Thank you for removing all the mom-to-be’s complexes !!
I had some difficulties in raising my little ones too, but finally I overcame all. I create a blog to share all my experiences, you can check it if you like 😀
Perfect ideas shared about kids and parent relationship
Very best kids infrmation
This is the mama article every mama needs to read. Buh-Bye to the ‘shoulds’, guilt and comparisonitis. Here’s to keeping it real and being awesome role models.x
*picks your crying kid up*
*puts it in bed with you*
*you both go to sleep and stop being crazy*
There. Fixed it.
Hi Jay,
At this point her childhood we’d co-slept for a couple years and it was no longer working for our family. She was wonderful to snuggle next to, but her kicking feet would wake my husband all night long, or would wake me. Co-sleeping indeed has been a huge help with all three of our kids, but it’s important to know when things need to change too. This was one of those times we were going through a transition and it was tough.
And all told, this isn’t really a piece about the sleep – I was crazy as you put it with those should thoughts at other times, it’s just this is the story of when I realized ‘Hey, you’ve got to see what’s good here, and stop knocking yourself so much.’
Thank you. I needed to hear this today. I’ve lost so much sleep between my almost-three-year old and my three-month-old that I had to leave work early with a migraine. This is the worst I’ve felt since I became a mother. This was like a big hug, a chocolate brownie and an Irish coffee all rolled into one.
You made my day with that description. Life goal: regularly deliver hugs, coffee and chocolate via writing. Love it. Hugs again and wishing you a few hours sleep.all in a row 😉
I want to let you know how much this article meant to me when I read it. So encouraging. I get stuck in the ‘should be’ or ‘should do more’ zone multiple times a day. It has started to bog me down and when I read this…this is what I needed to hear. Thank you for taking time to write this article. It was for me!