How to Deal When Someone Criticizes Your Parenting Style
At some point, if you haven’t already, you will likely face situations where another parent or a family member criticizes your parenting style.
If you’ve found your way to this post, my guess is you’re already in a “don’t judge my parenting” scenario.
Positive, respectful parenting is a fairly new approach. Your parenting choices might be totally different from people in your immediate family or your neighborhood. Dealing with criticism feels extremely daunting, especially if you are one of the first or only parents in your family to be breaking generational patterns of parenting by rewards, punishment, and an authoritarian style.
Do you feel like you have support for your positive parenting style?
Let’s Talk About Coping When Someone Criticizes Your Parenting
In this interview, I talk with Amanda Morgan, author of Parenting with Positive Guidance, about handling criticism and finding support for your parenting choices.
What can parents do when they are criticized for choosing a positive guidance parenting style? How can parents gain confidence in their parenting style?
This is often the hardest part of parenting in general. No matter what you’re doing, there’s someone to tell you — directly or indirectly — that you’re doing it all wrong.
If we’re looking for everyone else to affirm our parenting style it will never come. Disagreement and criticism abound, largely because there are a million “right ways” to do it. There are certain principles of parenting that are consistent and true, but their application will look different with different parents and different children.
How to respond when someone criticizes your parenting
When someone confronts you directly or gives unsolicited advice, you have two choices you can:
- Make a brush-off type comment, that essentially shows you love the person commenting, but the topic isn’t one you want to discuss with them. So, something like, “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind,” or “That’s one way of doing it. We’re trying a different approach.” Or simply a smile.
(That “hold your tongue and smother them with honey approach” may be the hardest of all.) - Actually engage and try to educate someone about your perspective. This doesn’t mean you’re trying to change their opinions. That would likely be a losing battle. Approach it with the intention to merely explain your own basic concepts.
Things to remember when dealing with criticism
- Avoid a full debate and use simple phrases like, “I’m really trying to emphasize his own problem-solving skills rather than simply telling him what to do,” or “I believe it’s more important for my child to learn from choices and consequences than it is for me to control his every move.” “We choose to teach through means other than physical punishment,” or “The APA statement shows spanking is a tool with diminishing returns.”
- If they want to know more and you feel you can have a respectful discussion, go for it. If you can tell that emotions are too high for either one of you, simply say, “I appreciate your concern/interest/love for my child. I’m parenting him/her in the way that I truly feel is best for our family. Please respect my choice. We may simply have to agree to disagree on some of the details.”
- In any parenting discussion, it is so important to monitor your tone and try to be sure that you aren’t turning the tables, passing judgment on a parenting style that is different from yours.
Is it important for parents to have a “parenting community”?
Support goes a long way in parenting. Without a network of like-minded parents who understand your positive parenting approach, it’s too easy to question yourself over and over. And because we’re each so emotionally involved it’s sometimes hard to see some experiences past our own filters.
Your first and best partner in parenting is your spouse or co-parent. Someone who has a vested interest in your child. When you have a unified front, you not only handle the job of parenting with consistency, but you can help each other through your weak spots, and tag-team when you’ve maxed out your patience.
Sometimes, however, partners or spouses have different parenting approaches. This can actually be valuable for kids to see that people do things differently as long as you both come from a place of mutual respect for your kids and each other.
If you’re single parenting, it can feel especially difficult not having the support of a co-parent. Be intentional about connecting with a friend who shares your values for respectful parenting. Or you could consider meeting regularly with a parent coach or counselor who specializes in family relationships.
Friends and family can also be good sounding boards. It’s important, however, to recognize that each child is unique as are the dynamics of your relationship with them. It can be very useful to hear what worked for someone else, but be sure to recognize the different factors in play and adapt or even disregard their advice if necessary to meet the needs of your child.
There are plenty of experts out there, but no one knows your child as you do. You are the expert on that topic. The best way to build your parenting confidence is to look at your own child and follow your own “gut”. I personally believe that parenting is sacred stewardship and that each parent who sincerely seeks to understand their child’s needs is entitled to a more sensitive awareness than anyone else out there. Educate yourself, of course, but feel how the information resonates and watch how your child reacts to its implementation.
Confidence in your parenting can come only from you, your parenting partnership, and your relationship with your child.
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I agree with everything said here, but sometimes it can be very difficult to fend off criticism from friends, family, and even your spouse when you are going through a very difficult emotional time.
Many years ago when my children were much younger, I became addicted to narcotics. I am a nurse and was going through very bad post partum depression and my marriage was falling apart. I had no support from family and my spouse at the time was just not helping financially. I had to go back to work earlier than I should have because of money troubles and I did the unthinkable. I did lose my job and soon it seemed everyone knew of my problem.
I managed to get clean, but gaining trust back was hard. What was the hardest was the criticism I had received from those I felt cared for me and were my friends. Instead of supporting me, all I heard was, “how can you do this to your kids, ” or “how can you be so selfish.” I realize that this may not have as much to do with how we discipline and such, but when you are facing a major life change and trying to get back on your feet, the hardest thing to hear is that you are a terrible mother because of your actions. It certainly wasn’t as if I had planned on this happening and I was working to make changes so I could be a better Mom, but people seem to forget that life is not always perfect and things do happen.
I wasn’t out on some corner selling myself for drugs or bringing in criminals to my home. I was someone battling addiction and it can happen to anyone of us. To have those around be so critical, offer no help, and walk away, was such a difficult thing to deal with. I felt so alone and so ashamed.
But, I kept going one day at a time and focused my energy on my kids and have been clean and sober for many years.
Maybe, I cannot offer advice on how to deal with other people’s criticism, but I will say that if you know someone who is going through a difficult time, forget about being critical and be more supportive. You never know when it might be you in that awful place. Try and understand that even the best of parents do make mistakes and maybe they might seem awful and you cannot understand why, but just offering a supportive touch, words, and some much needed love, can make a big difference on how that person sees themselves as a parent and will help them be a better parent.
I have two wonderful boys who love me for who I am and I am so glad that I was able to climb out of the grips of addiction. Not everyone is so lucky. In some ways, I feel my own experience made me the better parent I am today.
I am one who beats to my own drum and I know that maybe not everyone would agree with my parenting style. I have always been a free spirit and sometimes I curse when I shouldn’t and do silly things some might think is crazy, but my kids love me for who I am and they are both wonderful, respectful, compassionate, and independent kids. We dance in the kitchen when a favorite song comes on, make cookies late at night just because we want to, and I never forget to let them know that they are the lights in my life. They are what made it worth going through hell and back to be the Mom I am today.
So, be kind to someone you know that is going through a hard time. Don’t forget that not one of us is immune to falling on hard times, or becoming addicted, or just making mistakes and when you are being criticized and feel no one is listening, it can be a lonely feeling.
Don’t judge, even if it goes against your beliefs. Be kind and compassionate. That is what helps someone grow and change. You just never know when you are going to need the same for yourself at a challenging time in your life.
Sorry for such a long post, but I thought it was something that we don’t always think about and we should. I love being a Mom and my kids have taught me more than I can even begin to imagine.
Thanks for reading, and for every Mom out there that has hit rock bottom and fought her way back to the top, you are special and wonderful and don’t let anyone tell you different.
Good for you!
This is an excellent article, and you were trying to cope at the time. You climbed back up the mountain to become the best mom and person you could be despite very little support. It is very clear you love your children. Kudos to you. Your story is inspiring!
I definitely believe in the polite smile and internal brush off. It seems like the easiest way to deal with it since you’re going to be making the ultimate decision on an issue anyway.