Evolution of a Mama Tantrum – and How to STOP One
My five year old is sitting by me making mouth noises when I lose it.
“squish, bleerp, swishhhh, squish.”
“OK STOP! ENOUGH with the mouth noises!! GET OUT of here!!! GO!!!” I shriek in my loudest most threatening voice (and ask anyone who knows me, I have a very loud voice.)
The toddler and the five year old begin to cry and the seven year old makes a quiet retreat to his room. Realizing I am completely boiling over, I follow up with a gruff, “I’m going pee.” (Because isn’t that where most overwhelmed moms go to *try* to collect themselves?)
Standing in the bathroom I struggle through furious angry thoughts to get a handle on myself. I know it’s not just the mouth noises that sent me over the edge. That little tantrum was fueled by a pile of things, not the least of which is that we’re all hungry.
- I wanted to finish the craft I was doing (the one I started with the kids, ironically.)
- Everyone is asking for a snack.
- I’m pretty sure they won’t like anything I will offer for snack.
- I have a lingering cold.
- I’ve forgotten to put dinner in the crock pot and we’ll be at soccer during prime dinner making time.
- I hate soccer.
- There’s this tone that your kids can say “mama” in that rivals nails on a chalk board and my toddler is practicing it down to a fine art.
- I need to do dishes. And mop. And reorganize basically everything. And finish laundry. And change the sheets on my bed because the toddler peed on it, yuck.
- We’re dog-sitting and my mom’s dog keeps escaping.
- The kids don’t appreciate me!
- I haven’t done a good job teaching them to do chores!
- I should be better about cleaning!
- I should have planned snacks and lunches better!
- Etc.
- Etc.
- Etc.
AND – let’s not forget the mouth noises.
Anyone of those things, though mildly frustrating wouldn’t be enough to set me off, but that multitude of triggers is how tantrums work:
-We have a different expectation of how things should be than how they are.
-We are hungry, tired, or sick.
-Through life phases, external circumstances or choices we’ve made we are overworked and overwhelmed.
And then someone won’t stop doing mouth noises.
Stopping the Mama Tantrum
Your children will not learn anything from you when you’re screaming at them except how to shut you out.
Sure, I’m calling it a, “Mama Tantrum,” but there’s nothing cute about it. This kind of boil-over of our emotions can lead to hurt feelings, shaming or hitting our kids and a whole HEAP of guilt. We want to STOP before it goes too far.
I’ve made a little acronym for what you can do to put the brakes on a Mama Tantrum.
1. Stop – get a hold of yourself and stop talking, stop acting. If you are having a melt down it is no longer a time to try to FIX things or to try to discipline. Your children will not learn anything from you when you’re screaming at them except how to shut you out. Notice that you’re boiling over and put on the brakes. This is the hardest part. What will be your thought or cue that lets you STOP? What thought will you hold onto to get yourself to disengage?
2. TIME OUT – Don’t think. Don’t try to solve. You are trying to give yourself time so your anger response cools. Count, breathe, go to the bathroom, go outside, plug your ears, stare off into space. Call a friend or the Childhelp Hotline (I called to check – they don’t care if you call with something very minor like, “I’m having a bad day and just want to chat for a second so I don’t yell at my kids.” They don’t trace your calls and they can’t call CPS on you.)
Do SOMETHING that helps you disconnect from the situation. I know – when you child is kicking or hitting you this is much harder to do. I have closed a door, locked it and stood there with my hands over my ears while someone pounds on the door.
3. Organize – Get your thoughts in order. What is the REALITY of the immediate situation? What can you do next that will get you through this with the least hurt feelings all around? OK – don’t start trying to fix everything, just make it through to calm and know you can work on things from there.
4. Plan – Once things have calmed down (WAIT until you’re calm to do this. Don’t try to FIX anything while you’re angry, you’ll only rile yourself up again.) Plan for what you’ll do if this happens again. Think about what happened and figure out how you’d like to react. Picture yourself reacting in the way you’d like to behave.
- What were my triggers?
- What will my “script” be next time?
- How can I prevent these kinds of situations?
This approach is based on a fantastic article by Laura Markham called 6 Simple Steps to Stop Yelling along with my own need to have something short I can remember!
A Brand New Ending
I do NOT want to leave the bathroom and go deal with the kids, but the reality of this afternoon is that no childcare/housecleaning/cooking fairies will pop in and rescue me. It’s ME, THREE KIDS and whatever attitude I set for the next couple hours.
SO what can I do to turn it around when I still feel pissed?
Reality 1: I will not be gaining more energy today.
Reality 2: I need to make us something to eat or this will only get worse.
Reality 3: I do not have to suddenly feel excited to hang out with my kids. I don’t have to be a fun mom in order not to be a yelling, mean mom.
The most I can manage right now is to make it through today with as few hurt feelings as possible and I’ve got to let go of my huge list of chores that are not going to get done – they won’t get done with screaming kids and my kids have no magic “off” button.
I remember smoothies. We all like those. I can make a smoothie. I resolve to head out of the bathroom and not think about anything else until smoothies are done. The loud blender is cathartic and by now enough time has passed that I manage an only-slightly-fake cheerful voice when I say, “Hey, smoothies are ready. Do you want a straw?”
Mama Tantrum calmed for now.
Your Turn
What do you think will help you to STOP sooner?
Do you know what triggers your anger so you can notice when you’re starting to boil over?
What thoughts can stop you in the middle of your own tantrum?
64 Positive Things to Say to Kids
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Thank you so much, Alissa. I’m grateful that you’re shining light on the reality of mothers getting angry, it really helps to take away the shame we feel. I read many but not all of the comments so I’m not sure if anyone else touched on this thought… On my own and with a therapist, I’m investigating how my anger/rage is not just a product of what’s happening that day or in the moment, but is actually a multi-layered experience that compounds the present as well as my anger from the past. And potentially even inherited anger – I have taken on some of my parents’ anger because they weren’t able to process it. My layers of anger also include my inner child’s unexpressed or unrecognized anger (tantrums I didn’t get to have for whatever reasons – and now they’re reawakened by my son being the same age as when this happened for me), and anger that I had at my parents (and the world) while I was growing up that I haven’t fully felt and processed yet either. I’m not sure how much sense this makes, I’m still in the depths of working through it and feeling my anger in safe spaces – like my therapist’s office. For me it’s very effective to work with a somatically trained therapist since anger is an emotion that’s often easily felt and moved through the body. I’m also finding that underneath my anger is usually deep sadness/grief and a lot of terror.
I’m sharing this because I wonder if this might click for anyone else who feels like – why am I having this huge outburst or feeling so out of control at this little thing, or string of things?
And to share that therapy helps! (and exercise! while the babysitter is with my son).
I would love to hear if any of these thoughts or experiences have arisen for you.
I also really appreciate your reminders to lower expectations!! This is a constant work in progress for me as I am a recovering perfectionist. 🙂 It often helps me to remember that if we make it through a day fed and safe, I’m doing my job.
I really love Dr. Shefali Tsabary’s work around conscious parenting, specifically to always look at ourselves first when things aren’t going the way we want/expected and that as our children go through each developmental stage, whatever stuff we have unprocessed from that phase is going to show up in our reactions to the totally normal things our kids do.
My other big resource is Zen Parenting Radio podcast. All about self awareness in relationships.
Thank you again for speaking your truth and bringing it to others!
Wow thank you so much for this article!!!! reading this really made me realize I’m not the only mom with tantrum issues!! I have them a lot and I’m honestly praying I can find a solution to banishing them! I feel so terrible after I snap at my kids, like I’m the worst mom in the world. So I’m hoping these tips can help me teach my goal. Last thing I want is for my children to remember me screaming at them all the time, being a mean mommy ?
The trouble I have with my 5yo son is that it he lives IN THE MOMENT. SO much so that immediately after we have a fight and we calm down, go our own ways, he sings. Things don’t appear to matter to him. “GO TO YOUR ROOM!” I scream, he screams but he eventually makes his way up there. I listen in moments after he’s in his room and he’s singing to himself, like it doesn’t matter that he’s in his room, he’s happy wherever. I go up to his room “So have you thought about what happened?” “No, I forgot” “BAH!!!” Year after year, day after day we do the same things on the same days (school, soccer, swimming etc) and if I didn’t tell him to get ready for [school] he would have no idea. He is finally this year, he’s almost 6 now,beginning to understand that he has a birthday coming up. Today he asked me three times in an hour “Is it a school day?” (“yes its Tuesday”) “Do I have to go to school today? (Yes, it’s Tuesday”) “Is it Sunday?” (Ugh…It’s Tuesday)
If you could lead me to an article about dealing/living with children who live in the moment it would really help me out. TIA!
Sometimes, if someone else is home, I will just leave the situation entirely. My son had a massive melt down last week that got us both really worked up. I ended up just leaving him with my dad because I was losing it. It usually doesn’t get that bad, but we both had terrible cabin fever, etc. I just left and cooled off. The next day was a lot better. If I can’t leave him a lone, I try really hard to just ignore the situation that is upsetting me and distract myself. Sometimes, I’ll clean something, or if I have to, I’ll lock myself in the bathroom. Sometimes, physical separation from the situation is the best thing to do. And distract, distract, distract. It works for most ages!
WOW! are you my Twin? Only read half way and i just had to ask. Back to reading I go. Thank You So much for your site. Totally going to keep reading EVERYTHING and share with many.
isaiah12042006
That sounds really miserable, mama, and I am sure anyone reading that is saying “holy crap, she needs super nanny!” Do you have a MOPS group nearby? Usually held at churches, it is “moms of preschoolers” and that’s at least women going through some similar things in age groups. Chiropractic really helps ALL ages. If your kids are vaccinated, you should someday read the vaccine inserts.,.a lot of the crap in those hots has side effects of behavioral problems. Detoxing would help, good luck with the meds but I personally don’t think they are the answer, at least not long term.
Sounds like you need a break, and need to play a lot more peekaboo with the one who wigs out when he can’t see you. You need a friend who can come brave the kids and give you a shoulder. Maybe a tutor to help the ADHD kiddo with his hw.
You love them very much, do you ever get to do fun things with them, individually or together? I would suggest that, some kid-specific one on one time and that 3yr old needs to be weaned from constant attention. I have a lot of ideas from watching Super Namny, but showing love and being consistent(!!!!!!!!) are KEY.
Flaking out on hw won’t ruin a scholastic career…6hrs spent on hw after a full day at school is RIDICULOUS. I started college at 30, I’ve never like hw but as an adult with greater self control I STILL would balk at crappy six hours of hw. He sounds BORED with hw that doesn’t challenge or engage him. Care.com has sitters and housekeepers. Hire someone to come to you house once a week to help with something…cleaning or cooking or watching the kids or helping with hw….it’ll take some pressure off you. And when you’re going to lose your very last marble, go to the bathroom alone and lock the door and sing a song REALLY LOUD to drown out the banging on the door. Make stupid faces at yourself to help you laugh.
Have a reading out loud time with the kids – engage with them. They need you and love you, they need boundaries. If the electronic devices get turned on maybe you should consider getting rid of them….put them in the trunk of your car before they get home and lock it…put the keys in your pocket. Remove cords that make things work, batteries, whatever it takes (true confession: my dad did that to me in my early 20s to really nudge me to GET A JOB). You and hubby can get your news or weather from the car radio or your phones.
I hope some of this helps you!
A couple of articles that help me also:
https://findingjoy.net/the-rushing-mom-embraces-today/
https://www.creativechild.com/articles/view/consequences-that-teach
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFckNenV-QE
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/12/love-your-kids-leave-them-alone-the-art-of-radical-parenting-kristin-s-luce/
Just some food for thought for mamas that are always seeking ways to be the best mama they can be!~
isaiah12042006 Check out this article: https://findingjoy.net/the-rushing-mom-embraces-today/
Obviously, there may not be a perfect fix for your circumstances. Everyone has their own difficulties- and even though it is difficult not to compare ourselves and our situations to others, it doesn’t really serve us, or anyone else. Compassion for yourself is priority, and compassion for others (including your children will follow). I like to find online forums that follow my beliefs about parenting- parenting is challenging- no matter what. As far as the mental disorders that your children have already been labeled with, I would take a long hard look at them, and not accept them for fact without trying to find the root of the behaviors. There is so much information available- and our culture now propagates mental illnesses – they want to medicate us into submission, so they convince us all that their is something wrong with us- even our children. My personal interests that I research after my 18 mo has gone to sleep for the evening (or get a babysitter for an hour or so, etc)- are gentle parenting (lots of helpful advice), Montessouri and Unschooling learning methods. Our current school systems are not designed to teach children in a healthy manner…There are tools mama- lots of them. You may need to figure out a way to invest some time in researching some of these ideas so that you can plan a way to make your life more manageable. I am not saying it will be easy, but your alternative is to just keep on the way you are living now, which does not sound like much fun.
Here are a couple of other links to some of my favorite articles on parenting/ raising children (I have a folder on my favorites bar titled Child Development- I save my favorites there):
LOVE YOUR KIDS; LEAVE THEM ALONE: https://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/12/love-your-kids-leave-them-alone-the-art-of-radical-parenting-kristin-s-luce/
HOW PARENTING AFFECTS YOUR CHILDS BRAIN: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFckNenV-QE
HOW TO STOP THE WHINING AND CRYING IN KIDS: https://meaningfulmama.com/2014/07/day-1-tip-of-day-happy-heart.html
7 NEW WAYS TO NAVIGATE DEFIANCE FROM YOUR CHILD: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/sarah-maclaughlin-lsw/7-new-ways-to-navigate-defiance-from-your-child_b_4564781.html
GENTLE PARENTING EXPLAINER: NO PUNISHMENT, NO REWARDS, NO MISBEHAVING KIDS: https://theconversation.com/gentle-parenting-explainer-no-rewards-no-punishments-no-misbehaving-kids-31678
CONSEQUENCES THAT TEACH: https://www.creativechild.com/articles/view/consequences-that-teach
I’ll stop there- I have tons more, but if you like any of these or find them even a smidge helpful- go with that. Save them, subscribe to the page or whatever so that you can access similar stuff whenever you want. My best advice—never stop learning…there are SO many new ideas on parenting now, and approaches that can work for anybody—you just have to keep looking and not give up…keep trying until you find what works for you. Good luck mama!
I would add that my Momtrums became more manageable when I got my hormones regulated. I was estrogen dominant and it caused me to be a beast I never thought I would be. It’s worth looking into if stress and tension are around frequently. Love this piece, and I am printing and posting the STOP list! Thank you!!
in short, I would kill for 1 moment of peace just to gather myself and think things through!! I am literally miserable and drowning and cannot even enjoy my children in the best years I will have with them, I have tried it all that I know and dk where else I have to turn to!!
This is all nice and well and an awesome thought and i have put effort into this very thing, but what about having 1 child with ADHD and another with ODD & ADD (7&8 btw) then a 3 year old who has literally never left your side an flips if he cannot see you in his vision at all times, we have 1 screaming over here while we are trying to keep this one focused on their hw because hw here is literally a 6 hour ordeal for our 1st & 2nd graders, you try saying, go to your room for a 5 min time out and instead of going she just looks at you screaming at the top of her lungs “NO” and will not go so as bad as you hate to you leave the one who is finally focusing on his hw to physically pick her up and carry her to timeout, she grabs onto the wall pulling the wall trim off the corners and last night kept fighting causing my husband to lose grip and he was fast enough to push her against the wall saving her from busting her whole entire face on a stack of plyboard because we are remodeling, then when she is in there you walk out knowing your gonna see the other one trying to turn on some form of a electronic and know it is gonna be another hour before you can gin his focus back, and that will take screaming eventually because that seems to be the only way they hear me, all the while the girl screaming at the top of her lungs knowing ultimate is only gonna get longer because the timeout has to be done quietly to reflect and figure out why she got put in there to begin with, it is impossible for the ADD child to focus on his hw because of the screaming that literally lasts for like an hour and a half, the 3 year old refuses to go into the bedroom away from her screaming but runs around holding his ears cus it is so loud, then when the hw child realizes you ARE gonna make him do the hw without turning on you tube it is a screaming battle and cry fest ,on both his and my part, and then fighting me to get to whatever he wants because he knows at 8 years old he is bigger than me and I physically cannot fight him very long, until finally I am in tears and just give up..lol and oh yes we have done therapy for years now, medication started about 6 months ago and I know we are still trying to get it worked out as far as the right meds and dosage ect but we incorporate vitamins, i paid tons of money for books and seminars to help my children achieve everything possible but I cannot even enforce a strict routine or rules around here, they literally run the house and it feels like I am drowning because how do you make these kids follow rules when they absolutely refuse and they know you cannot spank them which I do not believe goes very far because believe me I have done that to, I have rewarded good behaviors with everything they love and everything else I can think of so please tell me what else can I do???!!! ASnd please do not give me bad comments because I love my children, I was a single mother the first 3 years with my older 2 and I had to work constantly and they stayed with my parents and grandparents and I admit got very spoiled as far as no rules and discipline there, and I did not hardly get anything when I was a kid, I had it really rough and I openly admit I sabotaged myself by giving way to much as far as material things not only for that reason but I have always felt guilty because I had to work so much. I openly admit alot of this derived from my clueless but how in God’s name do I change it now in the position I am in?? And when I break I have no outlet, I cannot go to the bathroom even without a child in there or one or more beating ferociously on the door.
Jennifer Banta sad and true lol
Thank you for writing this. It is one of the most real ones I have seen in a while and I think all us mamas need someone who is real with us. It helps us to see we are normal and we are not alone. Great tips! It helps me to remember that everything is temporary. That this to shall pass. I have an 18 year old, a 9 year old and a two year old. Having kids this spaced apart has helped me to realize just how fast they grow up. One day all those frustrations will be gone but so will the giggles, the little feet stomping around, the baby kisses. When I say this to shall pass, it reminds me that one day (quicker than I think) I will have my peace but it also reminds me to forget about the frustrating moments and focus on the good ones. Besides nothing worth having ever comes easy now does it and my babies are so worth having. Now lets see if I can say that the next time jello ends up on the ceiling,lol or something of the like.
thank you so much for posting this cus i struggle with this alot. i have a 4 1/2yr old a 3 1/2yr old a 1 yr old and a 1 month old. sleep and stress seem to be my topic of the day. its just nice to know that i am not the only one who feels this way!
We are on day 4 of no napping… my quiet time was spent sitting in front of her door so I could steer her back. I had a bunch of mini tantrums today to say the least
Sooo good to know that I’m not the only mama to crave some space occasionally! 🙂
Pretty sure I’ll need some mama time outs today. Toddler coughing all night and chucking up in his and my bed last night… Then waking up an hour earlier than he usually does… Argh!
This is just what I needed. I was raised by parents that I still love very much, but their methods were very harsh. I was punished for being angry, often by extra spankings, and sometimes spanked again for crying at being spanked. I grew up with a big anger problem, got into fights (usually in an attempt to defend myself, friends, or kids who were being hurt by older kids, but still, not a good thing, I know). I took my anger out on my little sister. Our relationship is still damaged–apologies can only go so far–and sometimes I lose hope that it will ever heal.
I had promised myself that I was going to be so different where my little one was concerned. And in some ways I am. I don’t punish her for being angry or for expressing anger with words or actions that hurt no one. I try not to spank. But…I am finding that my old anger problem is still here and my little girl seems to have inherited it too. She tries to hurt me on purpose when she is angry that I cannot watch every single move she makes 24/7/365. While I am learning ways to help her with her anger, mine has been a major problem. Angry that I am now stuck at home without a car every day, angry that my husband lied to me about money for years and we’re so deep in debt that I will most likely not be able to go back to college as planned and will most likely end up right back in retail or fast food instead of being an archaeologist, angry at all the conflicting expectations (I should be making more money with my Etsy shop and on Mturk, I should not be using the computer so much but spending all of my time directly with my little girl or doing housework)….lots of anger. So when she flies off the handle and tries to break things or repeatedly ignores me and keeps climbing things and putting herself in danger, sometimes it feels like I just snap. A few times I have thrown things (not at her–I would never do that!) , which scared her very much and set a very bad example. Lately I have realized that I stay in the “I just can’t take it any more” mode most of the time.
My husband and I have talked about it and come to the conclusion that a lot of the problem is me not taking time to do the things I really need to do to be myself–crafting, writing, etc. He is trying to help me to get more time to myself now and it does seem to be helping. There are so many stressors that we just can’t do anything about, but that is one thing that can be changed. This article will help me so much with the anger issues specific to my little one! Maybe I can keep her from turning out like me after all.
I can completely relate – my mother in law just talked to me about taking time to look after myself, after a hellish day in which I blew up at practically everyone. She said if I didn’t learn to take time for me I would have nothing to give anyone else. True that since I had kids I have not done all the things I used to do to keep sane – journalling, yoga, painting, etc. Makes a huge difference to one’s sanity!
Thank you for this post and for being so honest about your experiences. I honestly thought I am being a bad mom to my 2 kids. I work full time and evenings can be a bit hectic, cooking, taking care of baby and helping my school-er with homework. Not to mention the house that just cannot stay tidy. add it all up and sometimes I just loose it and then I feel so guilty and ashamed. I like your plan to stop moma tantrums and will definitely give it a try. I love my kids and want to stop yelling and giving endless lectures. Sometimes I also walk away from my toddler when she’s having a tantrum and then I feel awkward afterwards but that the only way for me to stay calm. Thanks for a great post and thanks to all the other moms for posting, makes me feel less isolated.
My daughter who is so strong minded stubborn funny is giving us a hard time she’s two and does not listen stand still or do anything I ask even if it means keeping her safe
So I tend to shout lose my temper and I can see it frightens her which I hate and instantly regreat I’m just not sure how to get through to her I don’t want her hateing me she’s my world please help x
This is such a great perspective. I’ve had a rough time the last year because my husband and I are currently divorcing and I’m pretty much alone. I have a wonderful support system, thank god, but, it’s not the same as having a supportive co-parent. So being solely responsible for my son has been stressful, there are just too many triggers for me right now. Thankfully, my patience has greatly improved already, But this is definitely so very helpful for me. Thank you.
Wow, thank you for this post. I can’t believe I found something that explains my feelings so well. I’ve been in relationship councelling mainly because of this lately, because my partner just doesn’t understand why I seem to “flip it” for no apparent reason. I couldn’t put my finger on it either. I’ve always had little patience when I’m feeling stressed and overwhelmed, but since having a child (now 2yo) I’m worse. I too feel guilty for not keeping up. My partner is very good to us and helps out a lot (he brought up 2 girls on his own who are now older and moved out) but that makes me feel guilty too because he did it with 2 and I can’t seem to keep up with 1 child, work, housework, trying to cook healthily, quality time etc etc. I just feel completely overwhelmed sometimes and a few too many “mouth noises” just sends me over the edge too. So thank you so much for this.
Wow thanks! I really needed to read this. You have encapsulated what many of us are thinking and feeling and given practical ideas of how to solved them. Very refreshing in this day in age where all you hear about is perfect mums such as Gwyneth who can even make divorce look easy!
I know how you feel and sometimes even worse. I realised that most of my built up anger which
Somehow leads to mommy tantrums come from trying to be perfect and then feeling guilty because I am not. I am always looking for fun activities. Sometimes I spend too much time looking for the perfect one. Other times I get upset when it does not come out they way I wanted, instead of just allowing the kids to have fun. Everytime my kids misbehave especially in town I feel like such a failure. What did I do wrong? All I should do is just accept the fact that they are two boys, teach them them to be good people and pray it all works out. Easier said than done! Everytime I have a mommy tantrum I feel guilty for shouting and think what damage am I causing know again. More guilt! I think just calling it a mommy tantrum will help me in future as all mums hate tatrums thrown by kids. Will calm down just enough to think twice.
Odette this describes me quite well, although I don’t like to admit it. I’m far from perfect and most of the time I don’t even realize when I’m trying too hard to accomplish something that’s out of my hands. But my biggest triggers are often when I’m trying to complete a task that I started and my kids are escalating- their volume, their activity level, their demands etc. I’ve found myself saying a lot lately, I JUST WANT TO FINISH THIS!” Letting go of outcomes, especially perfectionistic outcomes, is a big struggle for me. Lately my one year old has been screeching and screaming to get her needs met. So while I’m scrambling to get her fed and my older two are yelling, running, arguing, or trying to get my attention “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”, I lose it! Or when I’m trying to get things picked up before moving on to the next activity, any resistance from my kids sets me off. I too feel guilty when I can’t do it all. Sigh. I’m trying the yellow hearts with my kids tomorrow. Wish me luck!
I’m not alone! I had a horrible mama tantrum this morning. Tiredness and never doing anything for myself (or having time for myself) are my triggers. My husband travels quite a bit for work and has been gone for the past week. He’s a huge help when he’s around (works from home when not traveling) so it,the house, the kids, the dishes, the laundry, the cooking, etc. really pile up when he’s gone. So this morning when my almost 3 year old woke up at 4:30…again…and wouldn’t go back to sleep or play in his room with his sister who he also woke…I lost it. I just needed some time to wake up instead of jumping out of bed and meeting demands for milk, cereal, banana etc. right away. Anyway, this is post is helpful for me. In my head, I know it can’t all be done (which is why the house is a huge mess right now)…in my heart I want to do it all. STOP will help me, I hope, not blow up at my kids and thus feel guilty the rest of the day. Today, I made everyone take a mid-morning nap and start the day over. Thanks for the post.
Great honest post & I call my calming down phase ‘mum’s quiet time’ or ‘time out’. I think you realism spoke volumes to me & reminds me that all mum’s experience this at some point. My son is actually pretty empathetic & gets upset when I need yo leave to calm down & will often articulate how my behaviour has made me feel. Nothing like a reality check to calm me down ;-0!
Oh yeah, hearing how your behavior makes you kid feel is certainly a reality check. Great that your son can express himself that way!
I’m so frustrated because I’ve tried todo this and it’s incredible how long it takes me to not be angry anymore. What do you spans how do you manage when you can’t spend a lot of time cooling down over every offense? By the time I cool down its long since forgotten and he’s doing something else.
i agree with you. I take a long time to get over the situation. But i have an even harder time calming down if I’m in a “time-out”. I can’t lock myself in the bathroom or my bedroom because its just a reminder about the blow-up and my thoughts go in circles. I have to do something completely different. Go make something to eat, or drink a glass of water. And force myself to think positive (self-talk is a big part of calming down)… and of course reading posts like these on the good days, to know that we’re not alone, helps the reenergize and allow us to keep trying to be better parents.
Thank you so much for this! Oh, the mouth noises can take me to the brink faster than just about anything…add hunger, illness, or anything else on top of that and I need a good plan to control my behavior. I appreciate having some new tools to get me where I need to be.
Thank you, Alissa! What an edifying and wise post. It’s so important to know that this happens to most, if not all of us! I found a thread on Mothering.com last year that I bookmarked because the wisdom shared there re: parenting and rage was so profound. Here it is, for anyone else who us afraid they’re turning into their mother 😉
Mothering.com/community/t/394579/parenting-and-rage
It has helped me immeasurably! Thank you, again!!
(I didn’t read all the comments, so I’m not sure if this has been addressed—sorry.)
An important detail that is missing is, “I’m sorry.” and “I love you.”
When I have flipped on my kid because of my own lack of patience, I make sure always to give him a hug, tell him I’m sorry and tell him I love him.
Yes, very important! In fact, that’s a post I haven’t written yet, but you are SO right. Taking that time to get down on your kid’s level and give a sincere apology mends relationships and gives you a chance to start again. Thanks for bringing it up!
I agree. There are times I’ve flipped out, yelled things I didn’t mean just to get the attention of my 4 yr old and to shame her into better behaviour which when the storm is over we both feel terrible. But I’ve made it a point to discuss with her what has happened, that my behaviour was unacceptable and that I love her and will try to do better. Words can hurt alot but sometimes in the moment when I’ve chucked a book across the room in anger and yelled to keep myself from hitting/spanking her. As my husband says I’m doing better than my mother did with me in that I sit calmly when its done and admit my mistakes and apologize.
Wow, this is SUPER helpful! I know I’ve had an anger problem all of my life & when I met my husband, I wasn’t exactly prepared for his 3 children to go along with it. We never really had a “honey-moon” phase, but with how hard & fast I fell for him, I didn’t really mind. Now I am MOM since their bio-oven isn’t in the picture. The two that live with us full time both were “meth-babies” and have ADHD, so it’s easy to get frustrated in this house.
I’ve bookmarked this page so I can come back periodically for simple reminders and to refer back when I’m taking my personal time-out. Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out to us “mad moms”! <3!
Just…Thank You Alissa. Thank you for letting me know I am not the only one who experiences these moments, bathroom & particularly where I could just walk out the front door and keep walking – away – by myself…but of course know I can’t (and won’t) leave my 1.5 & 3.5yos at home alone. I was such a competent mum, until I had two…
I hate the guilt of losing it with them, when they are just little ones, who I adore more than anything in my life.
I even know it’s usually caused by neglecting myself for too long and not simply asking my husband for some me-time or time out, before its too late and I’m screaming at him to just take them, somewhere, anywhere, away from me. They don’t deserve that and neither does he. That’s not the mum, or wife, I want to be, so I have to make me a priority too and give myself permission to ask for help.
I really appreciate your ‘Brand new ending’, looking at reality and deciding on a positive action. I’ll use that one. Smoothies are great!!
Thank you for sharing & your honesty.
Thanks Susan. That brand new ending quote has saved the day for me numerous times 🙂 All my best to you, ~Alissa
I cldnt put it better myself Susan
I was a great mum until my two started Fighting
They’re 2,5 &4,5 now
I try to follo most of thr things in that fab article
But still
Locking myself away doesn’t stop the kids shouting/screaming/screaming etc
And it sometimes winds me up :/
Susan, I completely understand you, my kiddos have same ages, Isabella 3.5 and and Daniel 1.5. And my worst weakeness is to yell them. Thought we could chat sometimes when we have these difficult times.