My five year old is sitting by me making mouth noises when I lose it.
“squish, bleerp, swishhhh, squish.”
“OK STOP! ENOUGH with the mouth noises!! GET OUT of here!!! GO!!!” I shriek in my loudest most threatening voice (and ask anyone who knows me, I have a very loud voice.)
The toddler and the five year old begin to cry and the seven year old makes a quiet retreat to his room. Realizing I am completely boiling over, I follow up with a gruff, “I’m going pee.” (Because isn’t that where most overwhelmed moms go to *try* to collect themselves?)
Standing in the bathroom I struggle through furious angry thoughts to get a handle on myself. I know it’s not just the mouth noises that sent me over the edge. That little tantrum was fueled by a pile of things, not the least of which is that we’re all hungry.
- I wanted to finish the craft I was doing (the one I started with the kids, ironically.)
- Everyone is asking for a snack.
- I’m pretty sure they won’t like anything I will offer for snack.
- I have a lingering cold.
- I’ve forgotten to put dinner in the crock pot and we’ll be at soccer during prime dinner making time.
- I hate soccer.
- There’s this tone that your kids can say “mama” in that rivals nails on a chalk board and my toddler is practicing it down to a fine art.
- I need to do dishes. And mop. And reorganize basically everything. And finish laundry. And change the sheets on my bed because the toddler peed on it, yuck.
- We’re dog-sitting and my mom’s dog keeps escaping.
- The kids don’t appreciate me!
- I haven’t done a good job teaching them to do chores!
- I should be better about cleaning!
- I should have planned snacks and lunches better!
- Etc.
- Etc.
- Etc.
AND – let’s not forget the mouth noises.
Anyone of those things, though mildly frustrating wouldn’t be enough to set me off, but that multitude of triggers is how tantrums work:
-We have a different expectation of how things should be than how they are.
-We are hungry, tired, or sick.
-Through life phases, external circumstances or choices we’ve made we are overworked and overwhelmed.
And then someone won’t stop doing mouth noises.
Stopping the Mama Tantrum
Your children will not learn anything from you when you’re screaming at them except how to shut you out.
Sure, I’m calling it a, “Mama Tantrum,” but there’s nothing cute about it. This kind of boil-over of our emotions can lead to hurt feelings, shaming or hitting our kids and a whole HEAP of guilt. We want to STOP before it goes too far.
I’ve made a little acronym for what you can do to put the brakes on a Mama Tantrum.
1. Stop – get a hold of yourself and stop talking, stop acting. If you are having a melt down it is no longer a time to try to FIX things or to try to discipline. Your children will not learn anything from you when you’re screaming at them except how to shut you out. Notice that you’re boiling over and put on the brakes. This is the hardest part. What will be your thought or cue that lets you STOP? What thought will you hold onto to get yourself to disengage?
2. TIME OUT – Don’t think. Don’t try to solve. You are trying to give yourself time so your anger response cools. Count, breathe, go to the bathroom, go outside, plug your ears, stare off into space. Call a friend or the Childhelp Hotline (I called to check – they don’t care if you call with something very minor like, “I’m having a bad day and just want to chat for a second so I don’t yell at my kids.” They don’t trace your calls and they can’t call CPS on you.)
Do SOMETHING that helps you disconnect from the situation. I know – when you child is kicking or hitting you this is much harder to do. I have closed a door, locked it and stood there with my hands over my ears while someone pounds on the door.
3. Organize – Get your thoughts in order. What is the REALITY of the immediate situation? What can you do next that will get you through this with the least hurt feelings all around? OK – don’t start trying to fix everything, just make it through to calm and know you can work on things from there.
4. Plan – Once things have calmed down (WAIT until you’re calm to do this. Don’t try to FIX anything while you’re angry, you’ll only rile yourself up again.) Plan for what you’ll do if this happens again. Think about what happened and figure out how you’d like to react. Picture yourself reacting in the way you’d like to behave.
- What were my triggers?
- What will my “script” be next time?
- How can I prevent these kinds of situations?
This approach is based on a fantastic article by Laura Markham called 6 Simple Steps to Stop Yelling along with my own need to have something short I can remember!
A Brand New Ending
I do NOT want to leave the bathroom and go deal with the kids, but the reality of this afternoon is that no childcare/housecleaning/cooking fairies will pop in and rescue me. It’s ME, THREE KIDS and whatever attitude I set for the next couple hours.
SO what can I do to turn it around when I still feel pissed?
Reality 1: I will not be gaining more energy today.
Reality 2: I need to make us something to eat or this will only get worse.
Reality 3: I do not have to suddenly feel excited to hang out with my kids. I don’t have to be a fun mom in order not to be a yelling, mean mom.
The most I can manage right now is to make it through today with as few hurt feelings as possible and I’ve got to let go of my huge list of chores that are not going to get done – they won’t get done with screaming kids and my kids have no magic “off” button.
I remember smoothies. We all like those. I can make a smoothie. I resolve to head out of the bathroom and not think about anything else until smoothies are done. The loud blender is cathartic and by now enough time has passed that I manage an only-slightly-fake cheerful voice when I say, “Hey, smoothies are ready. Do you want a straw?”
Mama Tantrum calmed for now.
Your Turn
What do you think will help you to STOP sooner?
Do you know what triggers your anger so you can notice when you’re starting to boil over?
What thoughts can stop you in the middle of your own tantrum?
I LOVE THIS!! Oh my goodness I could have written the first part nearly word-for-word except instead of mouth noises insert {constant touching of mama}.
Thank you for addressing this. Good to know I am not alone and that other mamas go through the exact.same.thing. I feel TERRIBLE after I explode at my kids (mostly my almost 4 year old) and I do try to give myself a time-out to cool down. Also I’m reading Happiness at Home and it is reminding me so much about how only *I* am in control of MY behavior! Little changes can mean BIG changes in the big picture.
Thanks for a great post 🙂
Thanks Katie, I’ll check out that book too. I’m all for Happiness at home if possible! 🙂
These are great tips, especially taking a few seconds to just breathe before reacting. But do you ever have one of those days where you are so irritable that, even though you apologize for your tantrum, you are afraid you are going to blow it later? How do you deal with it when you are anticipating a mama tantrum and just want a calm day without feeling like you are about to do the wrong thing?
You know, I hate those kinds of days Jeri. I totally do have them – especially if I’ve gotten bad sleep, and then what’s worse, if I’ve gotten bad sleep my self control is really low so I’m SO much more likely to snap. What I try to do on those days is SERIOUSLY lower my expectations. I look at what the essentials are to get done and try to focus on managing those.
I’m not going to kid you though, those are really hard days.
When I notice myself having a string of those days I try to pull out of the fog of grumpiness to call a friend or babysitter and ask if they can watch my kids for a couple hours – it’s usually an indication that I’m in major need of a break.
My children are adults now, ( parents in their 40’s) but as youngsters they got into arguments with one another a lot! I tried everything I could think of to settle them down. I am never sure if I did the right things or not, but, for me, my inner controll came from imagining what they would remember and take with them into life from my responses. Today they are good friends and and, at least, tell me they had a great childhood! I hope so and think they are right!! Their children love one another and yet, have the occasional crabby, grouchy arguments! It is obvious they love, care for, and respect one another!
I want to say thank you for continuing this conversation and taking it farther and farther. It is important work that you are doing and I appreciate it.
I have always gotten terribly stuck at step #2 with my son. I am very good at realizing things are escalating. However when I go to remove myself or pause or walk away, my son follows me. I spoke to a friend who is a family counselor about it once, and she knew us well. She observed that in those moments, my son literally cannot handle being separated from me. And there is where I get stuck. I NEED a little space to calm down and reset the course of the interaction and I cannot get my need met. I would love some ideas. I’ve tried to ask my son for the opposite of what is going on, we call it “I could use some hugs and love” but in truly angry moments, this is not possible yet. It is so frustrating. He is nine now. This has been going on since age 2 or so.
My oldest daughter used to follow me too. I calmly tell her I need to be in the bathroom to have some space for a few minutes. I lock the door. She used to bang on the door and scream and this could last a long time. But I would tell her behind the door that we couldn’t work things out until she could be nice to me and give me some space in the bathroom. Eventually, she got it and now she is usually the one who goes and finds her own space in her bedroom when things become tense. I will start heading to the bathroom, and she we will beat me to the punch and just go to her room on her own. It was my daughter’s preschool teacher that suggested that I remove myself like this.
I have this exact issue with my oldest. He senses the divide and immediately needs to repair it but I’m just not there.
Thank you so much for writing this and to everyone who comments. I am always saying a wish all woman were honest so we can help each other through. I see anger management courses for teens, men, minorities, but nothing for mothers. I feel that in north american we are still supporting this crazy view of this constantly smiling cake baking mother and that the stakes are even higher and failure is inevitable. However I have always been terrified to speak, what if I loose my kids in searching for help? What if where they send them is worse then my home?
You are brave and amazing woman.
Thank you.
I feel the same way, Mellissa—I really appreciate the honesty of the article and all the comments. You’re right, it’s so rare for moms to open about what is really happening. So it’s refreshing to read this article—and, wow, did I need it today. I just wish I had found it earlier. I had not one, but two mama tantrums today—complete with high-pitched swearing, slamming of doors and (almost) breaking the dishes, it was that bad.
My 3-year-old daughter just won’t leave me alone, and, between working out of the house, being a single mom without child support (or any support, for that matter), living in a foreign country with questionable electricity (it has been out for a day and a half)— it’s enough to push me over the edge. But I don’t want to be a raving lunatic all the time either.
What really struck me was the part about expectations and how to let go of everything but the bare essentials. Incredibly important! I could have avoided the whole fiasco today if I had just slowed down and accepted the reality of the situation. Live and learn.
So thank-you for this post. I was laughing (almost crying) through it all—it was that spot-on.
I LOVE this! One of my biggest struggles with being a mom is my temper. I have low blood sugar issues so this is just amplified times a million when I’m hungry.
This is such a great tool. It’s so easy to remember and I love acronyms. Thanks for this great info. I’m definitely pinning this!
I never had a temper really until I became a mom. It’s the lack of sleep for years on end that starts to wear on you!! But it is good to push your own restart button and start again. You can always start again. I have been so tired lately that I am just annoyed by my kids! It’s a bummer. And we live in a very small house with 4 kids and impending Iowa winter. However…..I have tried to take life one day at a time. Not think of everything at once and that helps more than anything! Think of all I have accomplished today instead of all I did not get accomplished today. Smile and laugh. Turn on some music. Smile and laugh!!! Thanks for your article. I usually skip these but yours was great.=)
Wow, did you reach into my head to pull out that bullet-point list? Yeeeees, that is where my head spirals so often… all the things that I want to do… can’t do… should do… what’s wrong with me?!?! Major triggers for Mama tantrums.
Stopping myself is so hard. Your approach really lowers expectations, which I think will help me. I don’t need to solve the issue right that moment – I just need to get to the other side of the anger-whirlwind without any damage. That’s a doable goal.
Your writing is so honest, real and relatable. I truly appreciate it!
Thanks Kitter. Sometimes we put such a huge list of expectations on ourselves and then the outside world and kids needs crash in and it’s an explosive combo. Glad you stopped by.
I really like what Heather said about pushing your own restart button–I just usually wind up restarting after melting down. I confess that once a tantrum starts for me, it’s hard to have the presence of mind to do much else. If I am lucky, I will notice I’m yelling and realize I need to pull the plug on myself. At that point I try to apologize for yelling/losing my temper, and a) send involved parties to their bedrooms (including me) to calm down; or b) if I feel calm enough, continue on with whatever was underway.
[Oh, the irony. Just after I started typing my comment, my daughter spilled milk and melted down into a crying/whiny mess, and because I was already on edge from a morning that has not gone as planned, I lost it, too. So, clearly I have no idea how to stop once I’ve started, even when this is at the front of my mind in the very moment.]
What I’ve come to realize is prevention is the biggest help for me. My main triggers are when I’m in a hurry or have a specific time-frame and am running behind; my kids are whining or melting down–but mostly, when things don’t go how I planned and I feel out of control. The most effective way for me to combat those triggers is to prepare myself by being in a frame of mind where I don’t feel the need to be in control and can go with the flow. I can do this by exercising, praying, meditating, or writing. My day goes best when I can start with one of these centering activities, which will usually keep me on an even keel for the entire day.
However, these days I don’t often get that morning centering time because I have a 12-month old who hasn’t been sleeping through the night consistently for a while, so I wind up sleeping in to play catch-up, and then starting our homeschooling day later than I want. Maybe I can sneak in a quick prayer over breakfast (bless this food and bless me to not yell at the kids today), if I’m lucky. I like the idea of having a space to calm down, but the danger for me is that I will feel (and act) like a cornered animal when my calm-down time is threatened by someone needing me before I’m ready to “re-enter society”. And I have no idea how to work with that, other than just ignoring it or screaming “GO AWAY!”
Prevention is huge, huge, HUGE. I agree. Unfortunately, as you well know, it’s just not possible all the time. Also, sometimes I actually surprise myself when I just snap – like I didn’t realize at all that I was heading over the edge. And then there you are having screamed at your kids. That’s STILL a great point to get yourself to stop.
Usually the only thing I can do at that point is move away or plug my ears and start counting rapidly in my head and just hope I can cool down. Then I (umm, rather desperately) run through this little list in my head about things that might help the situation like food, a sensory activity, change of scenery…
Another thought is what if people like us who are liable to explode do the STOP thing WAYYYYY earlier, like before we actually even feel angry at all, like when we see a couple of our triggers beginning. I tried this yesterday and it was helpful to collect myself before it all went down hill.
So I read thru your post and I get it. I understand STOP. Then the phone rings. It’s the principal at the school. The explosion from last night has carried over into school day today and he’s “vandalizing” school property now (defacing/writing on the walls). I can feel the mom tantrum starting before I have even left work. We have 5 hours before bed time when I pick him up from school. I am afraid he is going to get expelled from school due to his behavior pattern. I have appointments scheduled between now and November 1st with a child psychologist as well as changing pediatricians. Yet here I sit feeling like I have let him down. The school is doing as much as they can to help me but then here I am again feeling at a loss my mind is going everywhere and so the damage is done at school but now what. How am I supposed to address this at home when we get there. He has already been restricted from the games, TV, toys, playing with his friends. What more is there to take away? I have mischief on my hands and I don’t know how to or where to or when to or whatever to handle it…
So STOP is running thru my mind and I have no answers to my own questions I don’t have a solution or a plan…
I am sorry. It sounds like you are having a really tough time. Is it possible for you to get some counselling on your own? It seems like you are in a tough situation and maybe an outlet and some sharing about your struggles would help you deal better? I also wonder if you were to spontaneously take him out to spend some fun time together with no pressure to behave and no reference to bad behaviour or even a time together with just you and him? My daughter was having a tough time and I let her brothers go to bed early and we started reading a good book together for 20 min after bedtime and she has been SOOOO very much happier with only 20 min a day on my part and I get to feel more peaceful about our relationship because we share that snuggle time without behaviour being an issue.
Hugs. I wish I could just hand you a solution, but of course, I don’t know what that would be. ANd forgive me, I am writing this stream of consciousness, so take what’s useful to you and leave the rest! I think Christy has a good idea to seek support for yourself as well as finding a way to create some positive interactions with your son. I look at behavior as a communication from our child that they are hitting an obstacle. They want to be successful, but there is some obstacle and they’re a kid, so they are communicating through poor behavior that they might need help. (This view comes from my reading the books of Bonnie Harris (Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids Youll Love to Live With
) So perhaps to offset some of his frustration while you work on it you can set up some situations he can be successful in?
I notice that you seem pretty in tune with your worries and frustration AND the fact that you don’t quite know what to do. In the moments you feel like screaming at him THOSE are exactly the worries that you don’t need to think about. Screaming at him and taking away toys isn’t helping. Is there any way you can tell yourself that you ARE doing something by making the doctor appointments and researching online, that you don’t know that right path right now, but you are on your way to finding it.
So what to do in the mean time….? Still thinking on this one. Hugs to you.
Have you asked about problems at school? maybe switching classrooms or even schools if possible might help?? Good luck!
This might sound strange, but look into food allergies. My son was diagnosed as ADHD, OCD, and severe anxiety at five years old. He was suspended from school twice in the last two years for aggression towards other kids. We recently have removed foods like gluten, processed foods, artificial everything – and the aggression is nearly gone. He is almost 11 now and – with the exception of what I think is early puberty – he is much calmer. Which means I’m calmer. We still have our meltdowns and explosions, but they’re more manageable now. I know food allergies seems a weird way to go, I thought so, too. But as a former preschool teacher, I saw it in my classroom before I tried it first hand. And there are times when that truly is the problem. Hope that helps!
I fully second this gluten/allergy route.
That definitely sounds rough! Just an idea, but maybe there are ways you can help him to “be good” in the time that you have together at home (asking him to help out in ways you think he can and will, but very simple like putting something away, setting the table, whatever) so that you have the opportunity to praise him and he gets positive attention. He might already be feeling like he’s become a “bad kid” so maybe that way he can start feeling like he’s a good kid who made a bad choice instead. Maybe when you talk about what he’s done wrong, you could even talk about what would happen if he had a “do over.” (Of course he basically does, so you can also talk about how he chhose to act then.)
Anyway, just throwing that out there – sometimes stacking the deck to promote small good behaviors can help change a pattern.
By the way, sometimes I do this when I’m mad (with my toddler) to help remind me that he’s “not all bad.” 😉 If I can remember before we get to tantrum-stage, of course!
Whoa. This is major. This is real life. I can TOTALLY relate to this post. I haven’t yet figured out the things that will help stop my tantrums. My triggers are noise, when my 2 year old repeats the same question over and over again even though I’ve answered him and hunger. Thoughts that might help me stop would include, “would I behave this way in public? in front of my parents?” I have a lot of work to do in this area. These posts are helping me work through it. Thanks!
You’re welcome Mel. The repetition thing can be maddening can’t it?! Sometimes my daughter will stop if I sort of repeat back to her what she’s saying to me and expand on it a tiny bit and then distract her. But, yeah, she’s STILL a toddler so that does not always work, lol.
Mel sometimes I’ve found that 2-4yr olds repeat because they either 1. want to dialog and don’t have the other words to converse or 2. really want something else answered and need help finding the words to ask. Both require greater knowledge of words or help in asking. Often when we look at them and read their body language it can guild us in the direction. 3. would be they know it gets a reaction(negatively I know) but that is a rush for them. Guild that with a “mommy already answered that question.” and repeat that 2 times then say I’m all done…. but that could tail spin into something else… so best to work on the first two…!
When my now four year old would do this, we would answer the question twice, and then respond with “I’ve already answered that. Do you remember {why you can’t have candy/why it’s bath-time/where Daddy is going/whatever the question was}?” This both stopped the repetition and also let us know if he understand the answer.
Great post Alissa, I can totally relate to this. I am prone to a mama tantrum when I am tired… and generally that is my fault as I have stayed up too late mucking about on the computer so then I pile extra guilt on top of the tantrum. If I can feel a meltdown about to happen I often pop their favorite show on the tv. I figure better they enjoy some comatose tv time with a calm mum than attempting to learn or do something with a yelling mum.
I think so too Ali, thanks.
It’s just been my daughter and I, so I know exactly what it feels like to loose your cool! I wish I would have read this 7 years ago, but anyway we have learned our own “code ” it first started with hugging and crying I think that helped a ton for my daughter to see me cry and realize that i get hurt too! But now that she is 7 hugging isn’t always “cool” anymore, so she gives me this hurt look and says mom….that is when i know im almost at my point!
I love hot tea so ill stand in the kitchen 1. Take 2 advil, 2. Put water on to boil and stand there till its done By this time i have cooled off and ready to start again!
But the most important step is when i go back out of the kitchen i sit with my daughter and say im sorry for they way i acted would you mind if we started over. I feel doing this shows her that i appreciate her opinion !
And it also helps for when she has her moments too (want respect have to give respect)
I love that you and your daughter are developing this respectful relationship – as long as you keep it up, I bet it will go far when you eventually navigate her teen years together!
At last a post that deals with the gritty underworld of parenting! I’m prone to mama tantrums when tired or hungry and the triggers for me are mostly too much noise or finding extreme destruction/messes. The STOP acronym is great and I’ve been known to lock myself in the bathroom just to get a moment or two. What I find helps me is brief, momentary meditations. I’m not talking about sitting down for 20 minutes and being transcended. I’m talking about taking a few seconds to breathe and connect to that part of me that is eternally wise and loving. I may do this 20 times a day just to keep myself from succumbing to negative emotions. It also helps to quiet that negative chatter that goes on in your head that fuels the steam for those tantrums. You don’t have to subscribe to any spiritual path or religious dogma to realize you have everything within you to succeed. Just tap into it.
Also, lower your standards for a clean, organized house, meal preparation, laundry, etc. Some may disagree with me here, but if I could relax some of those standards and the time frames associated with them, and focus on my kids’ feelings more often, my house would be a much happier place. And I too would rather they spend 30 minutes watching a ridiculous cartoon if it means they don’t have to deal with a yelling mama. My 2 cents…
Thanks Amanda – the mini meditation idea is so helpful.
Wow, it was so cathartic to read the post and everyone else’s comments. I feel like the worst mother ever because I have struggled with my tantrums. Like another commenter, Heather Bell, I never had a temper before kids. Even when it was only one boy I was really good at remaining calm and talking to my son, it was after the addition of 2 more boys to our family I noticed I began having tantrums. The biggest tantrum trigger is when everyone is going in all different directions simultaneously all requiring my attention at the same time. I too have a child who will follow me when I try to go to time out. While lack of sleep is a huge issue for me it has been getting better, my 9 year-old rarely wakes me, the 5 year olds night terrors stopped a year ago so now when he wakes me mid-night he is easily put back to bed and my 3 year-old does wakes me until 5am every morning. I am definitely a work in progress.
I’m a work in progress too, Linda. Just good to know we CAN make progress and that we’re not alone. I’m always glad when I bring something like this up to hear all of the ideas and experiences from other moms. Glad to have you here.
I so appreciate this post both for its honesty and its helpfulness. I have a very very long fuse but on days like you’ve described it is very easy to snap. I often try to get outside if at all possible. We have a tiny house and being “stuck” in it with a very challenging toddler doesn’t help. Fresh air seems to lighten the mood. Also, a call to someone who can remind you why you like being a mom or simply empathize is a huge help. My mom has talked me off a few ledges 🙂
My mom has “talked me down” a couple times too, and I have a friend I can call – I think we’re lucky we have people like that!
On another post a person mentioned that when her kids were little she made phone calls every week to the child abuse prevention hotline for the same reason – to help her calm down. I was glad to find when I called Childhelp that they totally welcome those sorts of calls. I hope people who don’t have someone they know to reach out to might try that resource:
National Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)
I definitely wouldn’t mind trying to call that number about 3 times a week, though CPS really seriously frightens me. I’ve even tried going to threpists and been told within the first session that if I told them anything they deemed ‘dangerous’ for children they’d be obligated to call CPS. Needless to say I’ve never been able to get much help or support because I’ve never been able to be honest about how I feel towards my children at times. My biggest problem is that I’ve been pregnant 7 times in the last 8 years, have 5 living children, and a baby due in November. I feel like my hormones never get the chance to level out. Even though the kids are good, there’s a lot of them, and even though they’re not truly loud or distructive, the noise level is constantly high – because there’s a lot of them. I can stand there and say “my kids aren’t actually doing anything bad” but in my head I don’t hear it because of pure hormonal anger. I get tired easily, I get depressed easily, and I really feel like it’s all hormones and that I should be able to see through it to reality, but usually I just can’t. I do try to walk away, and I wish I could call someone when I do walk away. Are there any guildlines on what to say and not to say if I were to call that number? I need to be able to trust someone to know that when I want to say I’m about to strangle all my kids they don’t ACTUALLY think I’m going to physically strangle my kids!
Hi Brooke,
I am sorry you are having a tough time.
The thought of how we feel being found out by CPS is pretty terrifying. I feel pretty sure that your counsellor wouldn’t call CPS about thoughts in your head, you are going to get help to prevent something from happening!! That is a great thing. I think they have to call if you confess any type of abuse or injury you have committed already. You could maybe call and talk to the secretary of your therapist and check that without giving your name. You should also go to your doctor. When I was pregnant I was so angry and grumpy and exhausted…. until my dr noticed that my iron was really low and put me on Euro-fer iron supplements (which is really cheap and not too hard on my system). I felt better the next day adn now whenever I get really angry I usually pop an iron pill and that does often help a lot.
Something else that might be helpful is to hire a babysitter to help you with the kids a couple of times a week. You have your HANDS FULL! you are amazing! (really you are, no excuses!) And running a house on that scale is HARD. Reasonably so. Maybe someone to come clean the house for a bit. It might cost the same a seeing a therapist and maybe help more! You just have to decide you will have no guilt about it. You are not a weak, bad person…. you are in a hard situation.
I hope things go well.
When I spoke with the crisis counselor she told me that they could not call CPS and that the calls were completely anonymous. She also said that when someone calls she explains the details of how it works so you can make your own choice about the phone call. Having another person to talk with is extremely helpful, especially when you’ve been home all day with only your children. I also like what Christy said – you are not a bad person, just a person in a difficult situation.
Secondly, I agree, have you considered seeing a naturopath or other health practitioner who could help you balance out the hormones? I know you’re pregnant right now, so naturally you’ve got a lot of hormonal swing happening, but perhaps there is a doctor in your town who could help you even things out more quickly this time. That hormonal anger is SO tough!
Thanks. This is a great post. I have 4 young children, 1 of whom has significant medical needs. The other 3 are way hyperactive. I am personally responsible for getting them ready and off to school (or just ready) in the morning and it is so hard. I am trying my best to be calm and start our day off positively, but I can totally identify with the Mama Tantrum. Thanks for some great steps to avert one.
You’re welcome Xan. Bit by bit we find new tools and learn new habits. Best wishes to you and your crew!
Thank you! It’s nice to know I’m not the only one AND to have someone lay out step by step suggestions!
I can deal with my kids tantrums perfectly, but when it comes to my own I just need *space* or time alone and it’s very hard to come by. I’ve heard that kids drain your cup everyday so we need to find a way to fill it back up. I wake up before them so I can have my tea in peace, get my day organized and just be alone otherwise, a Mama Tantrum is definitely on the menu! I also find that it helps to have something that is just “mine” . . . for me it’s my ballet class – I don’t think about anyone or anything else for and hour and a half and love every moment. Oh and always have healthy snacks on hand – for everyone, not just the kids!
Yes – snack are so important for me too. And that elusive time alone….
This is by far the best thing I’ve read in a long time. Kudos to you for sharing with us and for helping all the moms out there who are on the verge. I especially appreciate the tips you gave. Reality #3 is spot on!
This post brought me to tears I had the worst mama tantrum to date yesterday. We are in the middle of moving and my husband is our of town for the next few day. As you can imagine things are messy and nuts and overwhelming and I lost it. I felt like the worst scum mom in the universe for raising my voice the way I did. I spent the rest of the day with my head down in shame and still feeling just as much defeated about the To Do List. I am so glad to know that I am not alone and sometimes it is best to walk away and take that extra step of realizing this is what it’s going to be right now. Thank you so much for this post.
Hi Leslie, just gettign to this comment a few days late, but wanted to send words of encouragement. It feels terrible to have that kind of outburst at your children. Thank goodness we can recover from it and reconnect with our kids. They can learn a lot from seeing us make amends.
They happen to us all!!!! I agree with these ideas and will totally be in the bathroom hands over my ears next time I need a break! I have learned with my 3 year old (my others are 23 months and 2 months) that I just have to send her to the bathroom when she’s irritating me. Sending my 3 year old to the bathroom allows me to truly figure out whether or not she was actually doing something wrong or if it was just me. It also gives her time to think about what she was doing wrong. It allows me to not react out of anger and to pray and figure out what lesson can be learned. It really has done WONDERS with her as far as disciplining goes!!!!!
Thank you so much for this article. I’m currently sitting in my car after putting my 2 and 4 year old back to bed over and over and over for almost 2 hours while trying not to wake the baby. .. My tantrum was brewing and I was about to snap!! My husband has finally gotten home and taken over so I am able to put myself on time out. I will definitely be locking myself in the bathroom to cool off instead of yelling from now on. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who feels like my life is spinning out of control so thank you to the author and everyone who commented! Im interested in the books you all recommended too!
Thanks to all of you! It is so nice to hear that I’m not the worst mom in the world, in fact I seem to be fairly normal. I started having mama tantrums shortly after my second son was born, between 2 boys I could never ever find time to myself. What helped with step 1 (and I feel like that is the hardest step) was a braclet. Just a plain, cheap, friendship-like braclet that I bought at Wal-Mart. I wear it when I’ve noticed that I’ve been feeling more stressed than usual (especially about my kids). Just the feel of it on my wrist and sometimes looking down at it, is enough to remind me to just breathe and not to scream.
Thanks for the bracelet idea, Jessica. I’m going to try that next time I go into a downswing of bad days. Sometimes those simple things really help us make the choices we want to be making.
Thank you for this, it’s just exactly perfect.
You’re welcome.
Great. It is not just for mommy tantrums either. My husband and I have been discussing how to stop argument meltdowns. We came up with the key word/phrase idea as well. The important part is the stop though. I especially liked “stop trying to discipline”, and for adult conversations (ok arguments) I would say “stop trying to explain yourself/stop trying to get the other person to agree”. Time out! Another thing I am thinking of trying is a little hand held recorder. I think if we heard how we actually sound during these episodes as oppose to how we think we sound things would not go so sour.
Hahaha – I don’t think I want to KNOW what my husband and I sound like! You’re right though – over the course of our marriage both of us have had to learn to just STOP and then restart our conversation later when we can manage to speak calmly. If that means going to bed angry – so be it. For us, we’re more likely to say mean things if we don’t let it go.
Excellent. Excellent. Excellent. Thank you. 🙂
thank you. i have felt so alone in this. and like i am the worst mom ever! thank you for being vulnerable enough to talk about it and kind enough to share step by step ideas for how to STOP!
Great stuff! Just had a marathon day with my three boys. I get woken up around 5 with my 2 yo handing me an egg. Oh no! My 5yo has autism and just makes a lot of noise in general but seems to rev it up when I am least able to handle it. My 16 month old is just transitioning from two sleeps to one so extremely tired and needy at the end of the day, so it all builds up to a crescendo of noise and kid madness during the sprint to bed. I’m almost guaranteed to lose it at some point but you know you’re in trouble when you’re telling a 2 yo ‘I told you so!’. New day, clean slate! Going to try to STOP tomorrow!!
“Your children will not learn anything from you when you’re screaming at them except how to shut you out.” This sentence really made me stop and think about my behavior and reactions. I’m teaching my son that when he’s mad, he should stop and take a few “balloon breaths” (deep, slow breathing) and use kind words. I need to follow my own advice when I start to feel upset! I also loved your reminder that I don’t have to be a “fun mom” in order to not be a mean mom. Because some days I just don’t have the energy to pretend its all okay. I also need to continue walking away for a moment…cover my ears, call someone, make some tea, shut his door…and then take my “balloon breaths.” Thanks for posting and for helping us all keep things in perspective! ????
Apparently it didn’t like my smiley face…just ignore the question marks at the end. I’m not confused! 🙂
Not only are these great tips but it’s so nice to know that I’m not alone! Thank you so much for this post!
What a great post! Thank you for your courage in writing about something that is so painful. My catch phrase that I’ve been trying to use when something sends me over the edge is “connect before correct”. I’m reminding myself that I need to calm down first, then connect with my child before any correction will be effective.
I love that phrase, thanks Amy.
I have always heard that there are other moms like me out there but I never really met one. I’m so glad I found this. I am so sick of ‘all kids do this’, ‘oh, he’s just 3’, when my kid is the one throwing a tantrum to end all tantrums and I’ve left the grocery store for the 3rd week in a row and am in desperate need of groceries. I’ve realized it’s me that needs help, not the kid. Thank you so much!
Spot on article! I love the graphic you made to help in the moment.
Wow! While reading this all I could say was “this is great!” Not that all of you also have these “tantrums” but 1. I’m not the only one 2. All the ideas of how to help yourself control them! I’ve bookmarked this and will def be returning to read more! Just to remind all you moms out there, seriously the fact that we are all reading this and seeking help wanting to be better moms just shows what great moms we are!!! We care! I know Jesus holds my kids and they will be just fine! But, that being said I know this is not the mom He has called me to be! So I WILL get this under control! I will do my part in raising great kids that won’t have to deal with this anger. It’s def something I’ve learned from my dad. But I’m breakin these chains!
Wow. Not sure how I found you at the most perfect and needed moment! But THANK YOU! As I read this article, I literally was crying. I am a stay at home mom of 3 amazing little boys (7,5,2). I am so glad to know that I am not alone in these “tantrums”. I have always been a positive, fun, see-the-glass-half-full, optimistic person. I love life, am very aware of my blessings and Try
to pay it forward as much as I can. I have an amazing, hard working husband who would do anything for his family (other than laundry,cleaning the bathroom or remembering that he actually needs to feed the kids when I am at yet another PTA or Fundraising meeting:) . In the last year I have become a more irritable and “grumpy” mom. It’s like I am looking at a stranger in the mirror. I will lose it over silly things, mostly. Some days are perfect, fun, dance parties all around..some days it seems like everything that can send me over the edge does! I do have a thyroid condition which I have under control as long as I take my medication.
My living situation is not the norm, family and friends constantly tell me that has a lot to do with it. 5 years ago my in-laws decided to do some missionary work in Africa. Because we were living in the same town, they offered to have us live in their home while they were gone. They did not want to rent to strangers and they wanted someone to be able to watch over the house and maintence (bad idea)! We moved in here a little over 5 Yrs ago, when my oldest son was 2.5 and we were just about to have bb#2. First off, I don’t want to seem ungrateful, because I am very appreciative of the opportunity because I have been able to stay home and raise my kids, especially when I know that there are so many people struggling with jobs and keeping food on the table. We are in walking distance to a great school and have plenty of space for toys, clothes and clutter:) Fast forward to May 2012 when my in laws finished their mission in Africa and came home. We have been living together ever since. This has been a challenge to say the least. My boys haven’t necessarily warmed up the their grandparents, but in their defense how can I expect them to cuddle up over night. Their ” G & G” have been gone for 5 yrs (except for the 4 weeks they were home every yr). The MIL blames me, my husband, anything other than the fact that they chose to go on the mission (an incredible sacrifice that doesn’t go unnoticed in the least bit). But they made the decision to leave family behind and take the chance that relationships would not be the same when they got back. It’s hard enough for adults, but how can you expect little ones to understand why they left. Especially when they have one side of the family (mine) that are incredibly involved and active in their lives. Whew…ok, now I am ranting. Sorry- this is less expensive than a therapist. I will send all of you a bottle of wine! Now fast forward to today when I hear my mother in law spank my 2 yr old because he told her to “go away Granny”, as she interrupted his “Wiggles Christmas” dvd (which had been missing for some time and we had found in his pajama drawer just this morning:) to have him pick up the trains he had been playing with. I was in the middle of an email to my aunt that just found out she has a very rare form of malignant sarcoma and dealing with some insurance issues for my husband who is working in Canada (he works 14 days on, then home for 7- which just started and we are adjusting to). I literally hear the “smack” and went unglued! Words were exchanged, by both of us. Got a bit ugly for my liking and after an hour we were going about our day. Fine except that it set my day up for being on edge and therefore taking it out on my boys for no other reason than being “on edge”. I refrained from my glass of Syrah and instead whipped up a ridiculous dinner (for a Tuesday night, and one in which only 1 of my 3 actually ate), only because it made me feel better. When we finally crawled into bed to read books and snuggle I broke down. I apologized, told them that i love them more than chocolate cake and they still snuggled up and asked for another book and xmas song. What? Were they not in the same house as I was today? I hate the way I sound when I yell, I hate the way it makes me feel, and more than anything it kills me to think about the damage I am doing to these 3 innocent little guys. I have to put a disclaimer on my actions & mood swings. I swear they only started when our living situation changed, when the expectations of keeping a perfect house, being a certain type of parent and having someone other than my husband or I putting restrictions or limits on my kids. There is the constant pressure of being perfect from the In-laws, doing things a certain way, etc. I can handle those things about the house (because it is their home), but the only people I need to try and be perfect for, or at least be the best I can be, are for the little peeps that literally make my heart beat every single day. Life is short, it can change in a minute, but I want to make those minutes, days, years be the best ones that they can. I don’t want this stress looming over all of us. Our living situation should change in the next 6 months, and I think that will make the world of difference. Thank you all for listening to my rant…I have kept all this inside and put on a smiling face for the outside wold, only my close friends and family know how I can “get”. I am trying a lot of different techniques, but I am telling you….reading all these posts , support, stories, etc…..this may be what changes my life. THANK YOU. I’m still waiting for the reality show cameras to show up…but in the meantime I will let “writing it out” be my outlet. Thanks for listening……I promise I really am just another average mom out there looking for that something to help me be a better wife, mother and friend. I think I have found it. Cheers and enjoy the holidays with family and friends!
OMG – this is me. I want to cry in relief that I am not the only one. Thank you. :’)
But what do you do when your co-parent is present, and is worse, and WON’T employ any of these strategies?
I feel so blessed to have found this…. REally! I have two beautiful children who I wish to love and cherish. I had a tantrum during the holidays… I am so ashamed of this. I know I cannot take it back, but I want to start again and have a better outcome. My heart is so full right now with thanks…
Thanks so much for this article. I feel like my “tantrums” (which seem to occur, as you said, while I am rushed and the kids are whiny and refusing to do anything I ask/ignoring me/playing super annoying games that involve ignoring me) are a dirty secret. I feel so bad for yelling, and I have to apologize to my kids (usually to my son since it’s rare that my 2 year old daughter gets my goat the way my 5 year old son does). After I lose my temper I feel like the worst parent ever. Thanks for making me feel less alone.
Wow. That is me. I have had a few mommy tantrums and they are not pretty. My 2 year old is a good kid, I just melt down when she will not let me change her diaper or get ready when we need to go.
Tuesday I did really well with being patient waiting and waiting and waiting for her to finally be ready for me to change her diaper but ended up yelling when she would not let me get her shoes on or coat to go over for a play date. I ended up canceling and stayed home.
I obviously know yelling gains me nothing but guilt but sometimes I find it incredibly hard to hold onto my patience. It is what I am actively working on every day though 🙂
My husband telling me I just need to be more patient – Does. Not. Help. Seriously, it just makes me more upset.
Thank you for this post.
Yes, because Dads don’t get tantrums. Not ever. Way to alienate your one male commenter.
Hi Zac – I read this and it’s been on my mind. I can see your point, as of course this is something dads struggle with as well. I talk with and correspond with moms most often, and in writing this fairly personal post felt most comfortable coming from this angle. I see that it might have been helpful for me to write it in a more inclusive fashion…I’m just stung by the sarcasm in your response.
Yes, dad’s get tantrums. (Obvious). They are called daddy tantrums. They evolve differently than the mama tantrum, tho. A whole new species, a whole different article. That maybe Zac should write! 😉 peace out!
Great, great, great advice!!! The mantra that I recently discovered and that has helped me to keep peaceful and loving when my 20-month-old is having a meltdown is “He’s not giving me a hard time. He is having a hard time.”
I love that one too Wendy!
I needed this last night during my mommy tantrum! 🙂 thanks for making me feel normal and also for some solid ideas on how to calm down, not have to be the fun mom, just not the mean mom, and try and figure you what triggers me and to practice a script. love it.
I just so, so, so, needed this today. My tantrum triggers are when I have to ask my 3 (almost 4) year old to stop doing something, but because he doesn’t listen, I have to say it 4-5 times, escalating in volume each time. Also certain behaviors of my two kids will just set me off. There have been so many great suggestions in the comments, besides the OP, that I just want to cry and hug each one of you. We *are* good moms, and with practice, we can be *great* moms. I need to remind myself that it took my mom 10 kids and lots of grandkids to be the great mom & gramma that she was – and that I still look up to, even though she’s deceased. THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
Simply brilliant. I’m sharing!
I loved this. I have been working your site over for the past 1/2 hour and have pinned a whole lot. I appreciate the realness, including real words (like pissed) to describe a real mother. I hope I am able to take this with me. Because sometimes, the best you CAN do is leave the day with no hurt feelings. And I fail at that repeatedly when I let myself engage my 9 year old and let it escalate until I have said some mean things that can’t be taken back. And how can I expect better from them? I think I am going to make a note of this and tape it to my kitchen cabinets, and maybe a few other places. Thank you again!
I appreciated getting this, along with your ‘take care of yourself’ email. I try to go by a few tips I learned over the years, which I also applied as a teacher:
-I was told to “work until you’ve reached ‘good enough’ and then stop”- you can always do better, but you have to recognize when it’s not worth the stress. This is a hard one for me. I stress out because I have an image of what being a good parent and successful human looks like and am hard on myself when I come up short. Toys must always be engaging, age-appropriate, in good repair, well-organized… snacks must be colourful and cute… his nose should never be runny… the house should be clean always… diaper bag must be stocked for any situation… every moment one to be cherished… plus I should do all this without LOOKING like I’m making effort. Look good and fit and put-together.
-“Stop comparing your ‘insides’ to everyone else’s ‘outsides'”: the moms who post amazing things on Pinterest or seem to have everything in order all the time are probably human like you. You just don’t know them well enough to see that. THis goes for people showing their ‘facebook selves’, too. They don’t show the tough times, so it might seem like they don’t have them.
-“You have to stop occasionally to sharpen the axe if you want to be efficient at cutting wood.” Likewise, you have to stop and take care of yourself, both for yourself and to be better for your family. You do no one any favours by running yourself into the ground.
Not always easy to remember, or to put into practice. But now I have another trick in my bag to get me through the tough days.
Thank you – very good reminders.
Wow. I am a recovering mumma tantrum yelling wild cat type. The best thing that helped me was someone just said to me “just stop doing it. Decide it is not what you want to do and don’t do it anymore.” I know it seems silly, but when I completely owned it as my problem and stopped looking at everything else that was making me feel like I was unable to control my mumma rage, I was really able to take responsibility for myself and make a real effort to change. It no longer depended on others. I still slip up at times, but things are a whole lot calmer around here than they used to be. My kids are happier and so is my hubby.
Thanks Sarah.
Woooow! I came across your blog on Pinterest. I am so glad I did. I really think I was supposed to find you today. I’m a school nurse, so I end up spending the entire summer home with my 4 children. With the exception of the few days we spent at Disney world, I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the number of days I haven’t completely lost it at LEAST once–and it usually gets pretty ugly (and that’s when I’m NOT in the throws of PMS) It’s so helpful to know I’m not the only mom who’s head fully detaches and spins around on a regular basis.
I go to bed most nights so disappointed in not only my children’s behavior, but mine, too. I know I can’t get that day back. It’s gone, and I failed to nurture and truly raise them, because I was too pissed to even look at them. And worse, I hear myself come out of their mouths over and over again. Thank you so much for sharing this. I know I need to show my kids how to handle anger, frustration and disappointment in a more positive way. This is just what I needed to shake myself out of this destructive funk, and start being a mommy again. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Thank you so much for this information. I am a single and very frustrated mom LOL this is a big help. Your honesty is greatly appreciated I wish more people had the courage to share what they are going through and tips that work for them.
I am guilty too, but worse the last couple of days, probably b/c my husband is sick and 4 month old that I can’t get out of our bed has a cough too so getting worse than usual sleep- but my just over 2 year old is taking the brunt of it. I call myself monster mommy but since finding support like this online and consciously trying to be better I think I have been a little bit better….but these last 2 days…..SO bad. I find I can’t even take the time to breathe to STOP myself- I just REACT instantly- especially when it’s something I need an immediate reaction for- i.e. the baby is FINALLY napping and she’s talking SO loud- which she has started doing since he was born! She is a very well behaved little girl and I see all these toddler issues online I don’t have and really have no reason for my rage, but none of this rationale makes it go away! Dr’s, councillors etc say get time away but I can’t, get more sleep, HA! Not like I don’t want to! But that’s my thing- to not “attack” her just because I need her to stop doing it this instant before he wakes up! Any suggestions for what to do for an immediate response when you have rage????
Yesterday I tried walking away and sit for a few seconds in another room leaving her at the table (mealtimes are hardest for me), but then I walked back in and started yelling again- even though she hasn’t done anything, really and has tears in her eyes. I am such a monster, and I KNOW it’s over stupid stuff in the big sceme of things but it’s like I can’t control myself or stop. it’s like I have all this RAGE! Once I FINALLY get myself under control I apologize and tell her mommy is being bad, mommy shouldn’t holler at her or be mean, mommy’s sorry- but I feel like the damage is already done, like I’ve scarred her for life. That in itself should be enough to stop, right, but here it is a new day and I’m doing it again! I can’t help but tell myself they’d all be better off if I just LEFT rather than stay here and mistreat her, and in the years to come him too.
I think it’s totally natural to desperately WANT to stop yelling, but then do it anyways. It’s one thing to want to stop. It’s a whole ‘nother to find the tools you need to actually make that happen – you are dealing with lack of sleep, habits and the basic sense of helplessness that comes with parenting sometimes. You are loved, needed and a superstar to your toddler. And you are human. What more beautiful gift can you give here than to be a growing and evolving mama? Some day she’ll be facing something really really hard – maybe parenting a baby and toddler of her own, and you’ll be able to empathize with her and tell her how it felt like it was the most impossible situation, but you kept learning little things each day, you kept coming back and finding ways to take care of yourself.
Resources:
The Orange Rhino – fantastic site to help stop the yelling. You are not alone in this struggle.
Childhelp Hotline – 1-800-422-4253 If you just need someone to talk to you can call any time. They don’t call CPS or something. they are there for those moments when you feel like you’re about to lose it and just need to talk to another adult, or for times when you’ve been yelling all day and need help getting back to calm.
Take Care of Yourself Challenge – this post describes many different ways you can incorporate self care into this busy mothering time in your life.
6 Health Checks to Do When You Always Feel Grumpy – sometimes you physically need some care. Here is a starting place for your own health.
Big hugs. I bet readers will have other words of wisdom for you as well ((hug))
Excellent post Alissa!
I don’t feel alone. Reading ?the replies I see there is many mom’s struggling with ?the same things I do. I have been working on controlling my tantrums. I hate yelling to my almost 4 year old and I my self don’t appreciate it; neither do they. I think it is not kind from me and yelling blocks communication and teaches them to do them same. I have been practicing a calm tone of voice even when I feel boiling. Also, on those moments when he’s melting down because he is not getting his way and ?the 1 year old is doing a chorus concert with him (crying bad) and you just feel hopeless and miserable; I do the opposite to yelling, I will speak to them with my “CALM” tone of voice no matter how bad and stressful ?the situation is. It helps me to keep calm when I feel like yelling inside and by lowering my voice to them I’m forcing them to calm down and they even stop to listen (specially my 4 year old). It has really worked for me. It is hard to control “mommy tantrums” when you are mentally and physically exhausted and ?they will go from playing with juice in ?the sofa, to destroying your folded clothes and more in less than a hour.
I’m truly enjoying all your post, thank you!
Just…Thank You Alissa. Thank you for letting me know I am not the only one who experiences these moments, bathroom & particularly where I could just walk out the front door and keep walking – away – by myself…but of course know I can’t (and won’t) leave my 1.5 & 3.5yos at home alone. I was such a competent mum, until I had two…
I hate the guilt of losing it with them, when they are just little ones, who I adore more than anything in my life.
I even know it’s usually caused by neglecting myself for too long and not simply asking my husband for some me-time or time out, before its too late and I’m screaming at him to just take them, somewhere, anywhere, away from me. They don’t deserve that and neither does he. That’s not the mum, or wife, I want to be, so I have to make me a priority too and give myself permission to ask for help.
I really appreciate your ‘Brand new ending’, looking at reality and deciding on a positive action. I’ll use that one. Smoothies are great!!
Thank you for sharing & your honesty.
Thanks Susan. That brand new ending quote has saved the day for me numerous times 🙂 All my best to you, ~Alissa
I cldnt put it better myself Susan
I was a great mum until my two started Fighting
They’re 2,5 &4,5 now
I try to follo most of thr things in that fab article
But still
Locking myself away doesn’t stop the kids shouting/screaming/screaming etc
And it sometimes winds me up :/
Susan, I completely understand you, my kiddos have same ages, Isabella 3.5 and and Daniel 1.5. And my worst weakeness is to yell them. Thought we could chat sometimes when we have these difficult times.
Wow, this is SUPER helpful! I know I’ve had an anger problem all of my life & when I met my husband, I wasn’t exactly prepared for his 3 children to go along with it. We never really had a “honey-moon” phase, but with how hard & fast I fell for him, I didn’t really mind. Now I am MOM since their bio-oven isn’t in the picture. The two that live with us full time both were “meth-babies” and have ADHD, so it’s easy to get frustrated in this house.
I’ve bookmarked this page so I can come back periodically for simple reminders and to refer back when I’m taking my personal time-out. Thank you so much for taking the time to reach out to us “mad moms”! <3!
(I didn’t read all the comments, so I’m not sure if this has been addressed—sorry.)
An important detail that is missing is, “I’m sorry.” and “I love you.”
When I have flipped on my kid because of my own lack of patience, I make sure always to give him a hug, tell him I’m sorry and tell him I love him.
Yes, very important! In fact, that’s a post I haven’t written yet, but you are SO right. Taking that time to get down on your kid’s level and give a sincere apology mends relationships and gives you a chance to start again. Thanks for bringing it up!
I agree. There are times I’ve flipped out, yelled things I didn’t mean just to get the attention of my 4 yr old and to shame her into better behaviour which when the storm is over we both feel terrible. But I’ve made it a point to discuss with her what has happened, that my behaviour was unacceptable and that I love her and will try to do better. Words can hurt alot but sometimes in the moment when I’ve chucked a book across the room in anger and yelled to keep myself from hitting/spanking her. As my husband says I’m doing better than my mother did with me in that I sit calmly when its done and admit my mistakes and apologize.
Thank you, Alissa! What an edifying and wise post. It’s so important to know that this happens to most, if not all of us! I found a thread on Mothering.com last year that I bookmarked because the wisdom shared there re: parenting and rage was so profound. Here it is, for anyone else who us afraid they’re turning into their mother 😉
Mothering.com/community/t/394579/parenting-and-rage
It has helped me immeasurably! Thank you, again!!
Thank you so much for this! Oh, the mouth noises can take me to the brink faster than just about anything…add hunger, illness, or anything else on top of that and I need a good plan to control my behavior. I appreciate having some new tools to get me where I need to be.
I’m so frustrated because I’ve tried todo this and it’s incredible how long it takes me to not be angry anymore. What do you spans how do you manage when you can’t spend a lot of time cooling down over every offense? By the time I cool down its long since forgotten and he’s doing something else.
i agree with you. I take a long time to get over the situation. But i have an even harder time calming down if I’m in a “time-out”. I can’t lock myself in the bathroom or my bedroom because its just a reminder about the blow-up and my thoughts go in circles. I have to do something completely different. Go make something to eat, or drink a glass of water. And force myself to think positive (self-talk is a big part of calming down)… and of course reading posts like these on the good days, to know that we’re not alone, helps the reenergize and allow us to keep trying to be better parents.
Great honest post & I call my calming down phase ‘mum’s quiet time’ or ‘time out’. I think you realism spoke volumes to me & reminds me that all mum’s experience this at some point. My son is actually pretty empathetic & gets upset when I need yo leave to calm down & will often articulate how my behaviour has made me feel. Nothing like a reality check to calm me down ;-0!
Oh yeah, hearing how your behavior makes you kid feel is certainly a reality check. Great that your son can express himself that way!
I’m not alone! I had a horrible mama tantrum this morning. Tiredness and never doing anything for myself (or having time for myself) are my triggers. My husband travels quite a bit for work and has been gone for the past week. He’s a huge help when he’s around (works from home when not traveling) so it,the house, the kids, the dishes, the laundry, the cooking, etc. really pile up when he’s gone. So this morning when my almost 3 year old woke up at 4:30…again…and wouldn’t go back to sleep or play in his room with his sister who he also woke…I lost it. I just needed some time to wake up instead of jumping out of bed and meeting demands for milk, cereal, banana etc. right away. Anyway, this is post is helpful for me. In my head, I know it can’t all be done (which is why the house is a huge mess right now)…in my heart I want to do it all. STOP will help me, I hope, not blow up at my kids and thus feel guilty the rest of the day. Today, I made everyone take a mid-morning nap and start the day over. Thanks for the post.
I know how you feel and sometimes even worse. I realised that most of my built up anger which
Somehow leads to mommy tantrums come from trying to be perfect and then feeling guilty because I am not. I am always looking for fun activities. Sometimes I spend too much time looking for the perfect one. Other times I get upset when it does not come out they way I wanted, instead of just allowing the kids to have fun. Everytime my kids misbehave especially in town I feel like such a failure. What did I do wrong? All I should do is just accept the fact that they are two boys, teach them them to be good people and pray it all works out. Easier said than done! Everytime I have a mommy tantrum I feel guilty for shouting and think what damage am I causing know again. More guilt! I think just calling it a mommy tantrum will help me in future as all mums hate tatrums thrown by kids. Will calm down just enough to think twice.
Odette this describes me quite well, although I don’t like to admit it. I’m far from perfect and most of the time I don’t even realize when I’m trying too hard to accomplish something that’s out of my hands. But my biggest triggers are often when I’m trying to complete a task that I started and my kids are escalating- their volume, their activity level, their demands etc. I’ve found myself saying a lot lately, I JUST WANT TO FINISH THIS!” Letting go of outcomes, especially perfectionistic outcomes, is a big struggle for me. Lately my one year old has been screeching and screaming to get her needs met. So while I’m scrambling to get her fed and my older two are yelling, running, arguing, or trying to get my attention “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”, I lose it! Or when I’m trying to get things picked up before moving on to the next activity, any resistance from my kids sets me off. I too feel guilty when I can’t do it all. Sigh. I’m trying the yellow hearts with my kids tomorrow. Wish me luck!
Wow thanks! I really needed to read this. You have encapsulated what many of us are thinking and feeling and given practical ideas of how to solved them. Very refreshing in this day in age where all you hear about is perfect mums such as Gwyneth who can even make divorce look easy!
Wow, thank you for this post. I can’t believe I found something that explains my feelings so well. I’ve been in relationship councelling mainly because of this lately, because my partner just doesn’t understand why I seem to “flip it” for no apparent reason. I couldn’t put my finger on it either. I’ve always had little patience when I’m feeling stressed and overwhelmed, but since having a child (now 2yo) I’m worse. I too feel guilty for not keeping up. My partner is very good to us and helps out a lot (he brought up 2 girls on his own who are now older and moved out) but that makes me feel guilty too because he did it with 2 and I can’t seem to keep up with 1 child, work, housework, trying to cook healthily, quality time etc etc. I just feel completely overwhelmed sometimes and a few too many “mouth noises” just sends me over the edge too. So thank you so much for this.
This is such a great perspective. I’ve had a rough time the last year because my husband and I are currently divorcing and I’m pretty much alone. I have a wonderful support system, thank god, but, it’s not the same as having a supportive co-parent. So being solely responsible for my son has been stressful, there are just too many triggers for me right now. Thankfully, my patience has greatly improved already, But this is definitely so very helpful for me. Thank you.
My daughter who is so strong minded stubborn funny is giving us a hard time she’s two and does not listen stand still or do anything I ask even if it means keeping her safe
So I tend to shout lose my temper and I can see it frightens her which I hate and instantly regreat I’m just not sure how to get through to her I don’t want her hateing me she’s my world please help x
Thank you for this post and for being so honest about your experiences. I honestly thought I am being a bad mom to my 2 kids. I work full time and evenings can be a bit hectic, cooking, taking care of baby and helping my school-er with homework. Not to mention the house that just cannot stay tidy. add it all up and sometimes I just loose it and then I feel so guilty and ashamed. I like your plan to stop moma tantrums and will definitely give it a try. I love my kids and want to stop yelling and giving endless lectures. Sometimes I also walk away from my toddler when she’s having a tantrum and then I feel awkward afterwards but that the only way for me to stay calm. Thanks for a great post and thanks to all the other moms for posting, makes me feel less isolated.
This is just what I needed. I was raised by parents that I still love very much, but their methods were very harsh. I was punished for being angry, often by extra spankings, and sometimes spanked again for crying at being spanked. I grew up with a big anger problem, got into fights (usually in an attempt to defend myself, friends, or kids who were being hurt by older kids, but still, not a good thing, I know). I took my anger out on my little sister. Our relationship is still damaged–apologies can only go so far–and sometimes I lose hope that it will ever heal.
I had promised myself that I was going to be so different where my little one was concerned. And in some ways I am. I don’t punish her for being angry or for expressing anger with words or actions that hurt no one. I try not to spank. But…I am finding that my old anger problem is still here and my little girl seems to have inherited it too. She tries to hurt me on purpose when she is angry that I cannot watch every single move she makes 24/7/365. While I am learning ways to help her with her anger, mine has been a major problem. Angry that I am now stuck at home without a car every day, angry that my husband lied to me about money for years and we’re so deep in debt that I will most likely not be able to go back to college as planned and will most likely end up right back in retail or fast food instead of being an archaeologist, angry at all the conflicting expectations (I should be making more money with my Etsy shop and on Mturk, I should not be using the computer so much but spending all of my time directly with my little girl or doing housework)….lots of anger. So when she flies off the handle and tries to break things or repeatedly ignores me and keeps climbing things and putting herself in danger, sometimes it feels like I just snap. A few times I have thrown things (not at her–I would never do that!) , which scared her very much and set a very bad example. Lately I have realized that I stay in the “I just can’t take it any more” mode most of the time.
My husband and I have talked about it and come to the conclusion that a lot of the problem is me not taking time to do the things I really need to do to be myself–crafting, writing, etc. He is trying to help me to get more time to myself now and it does seem to be helping. There are so many stressors that we just can’t do anything about, but that is one thing that can be changed. This article will help me so much with the anger issues specific to my little one! Maybe I can keep her from turning out like me after all.
I can completely relate – my mother in law just talked to me about taking time to look after myself, after a hellish day in which I blew up at practically everyone. She said if I didn’t learn to take time for me I would have nothing to give anyone else. True that since I had kids I have not done all the things I used to do to keep sane – journalling, yoga, painting, etc. Makes a huge difference to one’s sanity!
Pretty sure I’ll need some mama time outs today. Toddler coughing all night and chucking up in his and my bed last night… Then waking up an hour earlier than he usually does… Argh!
Sooo good to know that I’m not the only mama to crave some space occasionally! 🙂
We are on day 4 of no napping… my quiet time was spent sitting in front of her door so I could steer her back. I had a bunch of mini tantrums today to say the least
thank you so much for posting this cus i struggle with this alot. i have a 4 1/2yr old a 3 1/2yr old a 1 yr old and a 1 month old. sleep and stress seem to be my topic of the day. its just nice to know that i am not the only one who feels this way!
Thank you for writing this. It is one of the most real ones I have seen in a while and I think all us mamas need someone who is real with us. It helps us to see we are normal and we are not alone. Great tips! It helps me to remember that everything is temporary. That this to shall pass. I have an 18 year old, a 9 year old and a two year old. Having kids this spaced apart has helped me to realize just how fast they grow up. One day all those frustrations will be gone but so will the giggles, the little feet stomping around, the baby kisses. When I say this to shall pass, it reminds me that one day (quicker than I think) I will have my peace but it also reminds me to forget about the frustrating moments and focus on the good ones. Besides nothing worth having ever comes easy now does it and my babies are so worth having. Now lets see if I can say that the next time jello ends up on the ceiling,lol or something of the like.
Jennifer Banta sad and true lol
This is all nice and well and an awesome thought and i have put effort into this very thing, but what about having 1 child with ADHD and another with ODD & ADD (7&8 btw) then a 3 year old who has literally never left your side an flips if he cannot see you in his vision at all times, we have 1 screaming over here while we are trying to keep this one focused on their hw because hw here is literally a 6 hour ordeal for our 1st & 2nd graders, you try saying, go to your room for a 5 min time out and instead of going she just looks at you screaming at the top of her lungs “NO” and will not go so as bad as you hate to you leave the one who is finally focusing on his hw to physically pick her up and carry her to timeout, she grabs onto the wall pulling the wall trim off the corners and last night kept fighting causing my husband to lose grip and he was fast enough to push her against the wall saving her from busting her whole entire face on a stack of plyboard because we are remodeling, then when she is in there you walk out knowing your gonna see the other one trying to turn on some form of a electronic and know it is gonna be another hour before you can gin his focus back, and that will take screaming eventually because that seems to be the only way they hear me, all the while the girl screaming at the top of her lungs knowing ultimate is only gonna get longer because the timeout has to be done quietly to reflect and figure out why she got put in there to begin with, it is impossible for the ADD child to focus on his hw because of the screaming that literally lasts for like an hour and a half, the 3 year old refuses to go into the bedroom away from her screaming but runs around holding his ears cus it is so loud, then when the hw child realizes you ARE gonna make him do the hw without turning on you tube it is a screaming battle and cry fest ,on both his and my part, and then fighting me to get to whatever he wants because he knows at 8 years old he is bigger than me and I physically cannot fight him very long, until finally I am in tears and just give up..lol and oh yes we have done therapy for years now, medication started about 6 months ago and I know we are still trying to get it worked out as far as the right meds and dosage ect but we incorporate vitamins, i paid tons of money for books and seminars to help my children achieve everything possible but I cannot even enforce a strict routine or rules around here, they literally run the house and it feels like I am drowning because how do you make these kids follow rules when they absolutely refuse and they know you cannot spank them which I do not believe goes very far because believe me I have done that to, I have rewarded good behaviors with everything they love and everything else I can think of so please tell me what else can I do???!!! ASnd please do not give me bad comments because I love my children, I was a single mother the first 3 years with my older 2 and I had to work constantly and they stayed with my parents and grandparents and I admit got very spoiled as far as no rules and discipline there, and I did not hardly get anything when I was a kid, I had it really rough and I openly admit I sabotaged myself by giving way to much as far as material things not only for that reason but I have always felt guilty because I had to work so much. I openly admit alot of this derived from my clueless but how in God’s name do I change it now in the position I am in?? And when I break I have no outlet, I cannot go to the bathroom even without a child in there or one or more beating ferociously on the door.
in short, I would kill for 1 moment of peace just to gather myself and think things through!! I am literally miserable and drowning and cannot even enjoy my children in the best years I will have with them, I have tried it all that I know and dk where else I have to turn to!!
I would add that my Momtrums became more manageable when I got my hormones regulated. I was estrogen dominant and it caused me to be a beast I never thought I would be. It’s worth looking into if stress and tension are around frequently. Love this piece, and I am printing and posting the STOP list! Thank you!!
isaiah12042006 Check out this article: https://findingjoy.net/the-rushing-mom-embraces-today/
Obviously, there may not be a perfect fix for your circumstances. Everyone has their own difficulties- and even though it is difficult not to compare ourselves and our situations to others, it doesn’t really serve us, or anyone else. Compassion for yourself is priority, and compassion for others (including your children will follow). I like to find online forums that follow my beliefs about parenting- parenting is challenging- no matter what. As far as the mental disorders that your children have already been labeled with, I would take a long hard look at them, and not accept them for fact without trying to find the root of the behaviors. There is so much information available- and our culture now propagates mental illnesses – they want to medicate us into submission, so they convince us all that their is something wrong with us- even our children. My personal interests that I research after my 18 mo has gone to sleep for the evening (or get a babysitter for an hour or so, etc)- are gentle parenting (lots of helpful advice), Montessouri and Unschooling learning methods. Our current school systems are not designed to teach children in a healthy manner…There are tools mama- lots of them. You may need to figure out a way to invest some time in researching some of these ideas so that you can plan a way to make your life more manageable. I am not saying it will be easy, but your alternative is to just keep on the way you are living now, which does not sound like much fun.
Here are a couple of other links to some of my favorite articles on parenting/ raising children (I have a folder on my favorites bar titled Child Development- I save my favorites there):
LOVE YOUR KIDS; LEAVE THEM ALONE: https://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/12/love-your-kids-leave-them-alone-the-art-of-radical-parenting-kristin-s-luce/
HOW PARENTING AFFECTS YOUR CHILDS BRAIN: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFckNenV-QE
HOW TO STOP THE WHINING AND CRYING IN KIDS: https://meaningfulmama.com/2014/07/day-1-tip-of-day-happy-heart.html
7 NEW WAYS TO NAVIGATE DEFIANCE FROM YOUR CHILD: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/sarah-maclaughlin-lsw/7-new-ways-to-navigate-defiance-from-your-child_b_4564781.html
GENTLE PARENTING EXPLAINER: NO PUNISHMENT, NO REWARDS, NO MISBEHAVING KIDS: https://theconversation.com/gentle-parenting-explainer-no-rewards-no-punishments-no-misbehaving-kids-31678
CONSEQUENCES THAT TEACH: https://www.creativechild.com/articles/view/consequences-that-teach
I’ll stop there- I have tons more, but if you like any of these or find them even a smidge helpful- go with that. Save them, subscribe to the page or whatever so that you can access similar stuff whenever you want. My best advice—never stop learning…there are SO many new ideas on parenting now, and approaches that can work for anybody—you just have to keep looking and not give up…keep trying until you find what works for you. Good luck mama!
A couple of articles that help me also:
https://findingjoy.net/the-rushing-mom-embraces-today/
https://www.creativechild.com/articles/view/consequences-that-teach
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uFckNenV-QE
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2013/12/love-your-kids-leave-them-alone-the-art-of-radical-parenting-kristin-s-luce/
Just some food for thought for mamas that are always seeking ways to be the best mama they can be!~
isaiah12042006
That sounds really miserable, mama, and I am sure anyone reading that is saying “holy crap, she needs super nanny!” Do you have a MOPS group nearby? Usually held at churches, it is “moms of preschoolers” and that’s at least women going through some similar things in age groups. Chiropractic really helps ALL ages. If your kids are vaccinated, you should someday read the vaccine inserts.,.a lot of the crap in those hots has side effects of behavioral problems. Detoxing would help, good luck with the meds but I personally don’t think they are the answer, at least not long term.
Sounds like you need a break, and need to play a lot more peekaboo with the one who wigs out when he can’t see you. You need a friend who can come brave the kids and give you a shoulder. Maybe a tutor to help the ADHD kiddo with his hw.
You love them very much, do you ever get to do fun things with them, individually or together? I would suggest that, some kid-specific one on one time and that 3yr old needs to be weaned from constant attention. I have a lot of ideas from watching Super Namny, but showing love and being consistent(!!!!!!!!) are KEY.
Flaking out on hw won’t ruin a scholastic career…6hrs spent on hw after a full day at school is RIDICULOUS. I started college at 30, I’ve never like hw but as an adult with greater self control I STILL would balk at crappy six hours of hw. He sounds BORED with hw that doesn’t challenge or engage him. Care.com has sitters and housekeepers. Hire someone to come to you house once a week to help with something…cleaning or cooking or watching the kids or helping with hw….it’ll take some pressure off you. And when you’re going to lose your very last marble, go to the bathroom alone and lock the door and sing a song REALLY LOUD to drown out the banging on the door. Make stupid faces at yourself to help you laugh.
Have a reading out loud time with the kids – engage with them. They need you and love you, they need boundaries. If the electronic devices get turned on maybe you should consider getting rid of them….put them in the trunk of your car before they get home and lock it…put the keys in your pocket. Remove cords that make things work, batteries, whatever it takes (true confession: my dad did that to me in my early 20s to really nudge me to GET A JOB). You and hubby can get your news or weather from the car radio or your phones.
I hope some of this helps you!
WOW! are you my Twin? Only read half way and i just had to ask. Back to reading I go. Thank You So much for your site. Totally going to keep reading EVERYTHING and share with many.
Sometimes, if someone else is home, I will just leave the situation entirely. My son had a massive melt down last week that got us both really worked up. I ended up just leaving him with my dad because I was losing it. It usually doesn’t get that bad, but we both had terrible cabin fever, etc. I just left and cooled off. The next day was a lot better. If I can’t leave him a lone, I try really hard to just ignore the situation that is upsetting me and distract myself. Sometimes, I’ll clean something, or if I have to, I’ll lock myself in the bathroom. Sometimes, physical separation from the situation is the best thing to do. And distract, distract, distract. It works for most ages!
The trouble I have with my 5yo son is that it he lives IN THE MOMENT. SO much so that immediately after we have a fight and we calm down, go our own ways, he sings. Things don’t appear to matter to him. “GO TO YOUR ROOM!” I scream, he screams but he eventually makes his way up there. I listen in moments after he’s in his room and he’s singing to himself, like it doesn’t matter that he’s in his room, he’s happy wherever. I go up to his room “So have you thought about what happened?” “No, I forgot” “BAH!!!” Year after year, day after day we do the same things on the same days (school, soccer, swimming etc) and if I didn’t tell him to get ready for [school] he would have no idea. He is finally this year, he’s almost 6 now,beginning to understand that he has a birthday coming up. Today he asked me three times in an hour “Is it a school day?” (“yes its Tuesday”) “Do I have to go to school today? (Yes, it’s Tuesday”) “Is it Sunday?” (Ugh…It’s Tuesday)
If you could lead me to an article about dealing/living with children who live in the moment it would really help me out. TIA!
Wow thank you so much for this article!!!! reading this really made me realize I’m not the only mom with tantrum issues!! I have them a lot and I’m honestly praying I can find a solution to banishing them! I feel so terrible after I snap at my kids, like I’m the worst mom in the world. So I’m hoping these tips can help me teach my goal. Last thing I want is for my children to remember me screaming at them all the time, being a mean mommy ?
Thank you so much, Alissa. I’m grateful that you’re shining light on the reality of mothers getting angry, it really helps to take away the shame we feel. I read many but not all of the comments so I’m not sure if anyone else touched on this thought… On my own and with a therapist, I’m investigating how my anger/rage is not just a product of what’s happening that day or in the moment, but is actually a multi-layered experience that compounds the present as well as my anger from the past. And potentially even inherited anger – I have taken on some of my parents’ anger because they weren’t able to process it. My layers of anger also include my inner child’s unexpressed or unrecognized anger (tantrums I didn’t get to have for whatever reasons – and now they’re reawakened by my son being the same age as when this happened for me), and anger that I had at my parents (and the world) while I was growing up that I haven’t fully felt and processed yet either. I’m not sure how much sense this makes, I’m still in the depths of working through it and feeling my anger in safe spaces – like my therapist’s office. For me it’s very effective to work with a somatically trained therapist since anger is an emotion that’s often easily felt and moved through the body. I’m also finding that underneath my anger is usually deep sadness/grief and a lot of terror.
I’m sharing this because I wonder if this might click for anyone else who feels like – why am I having this huge outburst or feeling so out of control at this little thing, or string of things?
And to share that therapy helps! (and exercise! while the babysitter is with my son).
I would love to hear if any of these thoughts or experiences have arisen for you.
I also really appreciate your reminders to lower expectations!! This is a constant work in progress for me as I am a recovering perfectionist. 🙂 It often helps me to remember that if we make it through a day fed and safe, I’m doing my job.
I really love Dr. Shefali Tsabary’s work around conscious parenting, specifically to always look at ourselves first when things aren’t going the way we want/expected and that as our children go through each developmental stage, whatever stuff we have unprocessed from that phase is going to show up in our reactions to the totally normal things our kids do.
My other big resource is Zen Parenting Radio podcast. All about self awareness in relationships.
Thank you again for speaking your truth and bringing it to others!