I’m the one who will believe you – the transformative power of trusting our kids’ emotions
“It’s fine! You’re learning! You’re not supposed to know all the answers!” I said in exasperation as I watched my son come unglued about an assignment he’d just finished and, in his opinion, completely failed at. I didn’t know I was about to dive into what would become a defining moment for me in learning to be connected with my kids.
The schoolwork was something new, something fun (I thought) and because it was new, I figured, of course he wouldn’t have it all down pat. I was fine with that.
But he wasn’t. And I felt myself getting angrier and angrier that he was upset. His sister was napping; I was looking forward to being DONE dealing with schoolwork and having some time to myself.
My anger was getting bigger as I worried more –he’ll wake up his sister, I won’t get a break. And underneath those concerns, anger was being fueled by deeper, less-formed thoughts that whispered from a dark well of fear: I’m raising a kid who can’t handle disappointment. He’ll fail at life if he can’t shake things off. He won’t learn new things because he hates being a beginner. I’ve caused this. I’ve failed him…”
Watching his big emotions was becoming all about me, and the overwhelming task of dealing with the fallout. I didn’t know how to handle the emotions, so how could I sit here letting them spill out all over my day!? He was over reacting!
He was that sad and upset? I didn’t believe him.
His reaction was at 10. I assumed the situation called for, at most, a 3.
I found a powerful passage about the distrust of emotions in a recent article by Damon Young. He wrote about men not trusting women’s emotions – if you read this and think about it in relation to children, you may feel an uncomfortable recognition of what we often do with our kids:
My typical third reaction? After she expresses what’s wrong? “Ok. I hear what you’re saying, and I’ll help. But whatever you’re upset about probably really isn’t that serious.”
“…Until she convinces me otherwise, I assume that her emotional reaction to a situation is disproportionate to my opinion of what level of emotional reaction the situation calls for. Basically, if she’s on eight, I assume the situation is really a six.”
This happens to us so often as parents when we’re confronted with our kids’ anger, grief or frustration about things that we don’t think warrant such huge reactions. It’s not that bad, we think – they just don’t understand. And that’s where we take a detour.
Instead of turning to our child at that moment and being there with them, we try to lead them away from what they’re feeling. We launch into placating and trying to make the messy, raw emotions more tame, or we dismiss them as not real. Our kids launch into trying to convince us it really is this serious.
What would happen if we didn’t worry so much about knowing the answer, fixing, or making things right and simply showed up, stayed…believed?
A friend told this beautiful story yesterday:
I catch myself doing it to my kids sometimes. [dismissing their emotions] In the moment I try to just stop, acknowledge to myself and to them what’s happening, apologize and then be truly present. Last night there was a thing here in the house. Once I realized what was happening, I just motioned my daughter over, hugged her and said I was sorry and this is what I wished I’d done right away instead of trying to talk her down. She broke into deep sobs, and all these fears and worries started pouring out. She had a good cry, a good hug, and then was downright cheery and able to problem solve. It was remarkable. ~Ronessa S.
Remarkable things happen when we trust the emotions in front of us and practice staying present without judging or trying to fix.
What happened when I stayed
On this day, with the school work, thankfully I didn’t dismiss the tears, or stalk away in disgust. I stepped out of the room and collected myself. I paused and heard my inner voice reminding me that the way I’m practicing showing love with my son right now is to let him know through my actions and words that I want to really know him.
So on this day I decided to experiment, to take a leap of faith and choose trust. Instead of brushing away the big emotions, I took a breath, and came back into the room committed to being present and hearing him. In a neutral tone I said something to the effect of, “You seem really upset.” and then I just sat next to him.
I breathed. He cried. He took ragged breaths.
I breathed.
A moment later he said, “I just feel like I disappointed you.”
Oh. Wow.
And there we were, working with a much fuller picture.
He seemed relieved that I was listening and I was relieved to know what was underneath the upset. At that point we were able to have good conversation about learning, about how our family values taking risks and making mistakes – the kind of meaningful conversation I would have missed if I’d left in a huff because of those “overblown” emotions.
This stuff is crazy hard. But, I feel so connected to my girls after stuff like that. It’s so life affirming. Just a little sign post on the road that says ‘Yes, this is it. Keep going.’ ~Ronessa S.
This is the kind of connection we all crave – when you feel like you really know what’s going on with your child, and they trust you enough to let you in.
Sometimes it’s easy and fun to be connected – as simple as swinging in a hammock together, watching the birds. And sometimes it’s scary and unpredictable to be connected. But still simple. As simple as being the one who says, “I’m here. I believe you.”
I’d love to chat more about this. It IS crazy hard for me sometimes to be there with my kids through big emotions. I definitely have to think of it as a practice, as I screw it up too many times to feel I have it mastered, but each time we make it through one of these moments I’m encouraged to keep practicing. Those are the moments when I feel like I’m really doing something good here with my family.
What about you? When is it hardest to stay present? What experiences have you had with trusting or not trusting emotions?
Warmly,
Related Reading on Staying Present:
- You Can be Kind. They Can be Angry. – on setting boundaries or limits and getting comfortable with the emotions it causes.
- Journal Prompts on Presence and Mindfulness – Fill Your Cup Journal Series
- The Difference of 17 Second – on learning to listen
64 Positive Things to Say to Kids
Subscribe to Download your FREE printable of 64 Positive Things to Say to Kids
Hi Alissa,
you said it beautifully, we all sometimes believe that our role as parents is to give advice, teach our kids and guide them. yet sometimes we totally forget that life is harder for them as it is for us. They are going through life and facing problems for the first time which makes it scary for them. We forget that for them to pass through whatever they’re going through and to learn about life, they need us just to hold their hands, to understand them and believe in them. We as parents need to empathize with their emotions so that they can believe in themselves and feel empowered to get stronger.
thank you for a great article
We all screw it up so many times. But we try to do better, be better. Thanx for giving us another insight into roles we have to play as parents.
Hi Aruba,
Yeah, we all mess up, that’s for sure, but thankfully, we also get lots of opportunities to practice, so as you say – we try to do better and bit by bit we’re able to do better. These are some of the phrases I use to remind myself that I can keep on learning: https://bouncebackparenting.com/phrases-help-develop-growth-mindset-parenting/
Thanks for stopping by,
Alissa
Thank you for sharing this! I had the opportunity to learn this at a conference a while back and put it into practice with my 6 year old daughter right away.
We traveled cross country, getting up at 4am, shuttle bus, airport waiting, flight calif to nyc. We get out on the curb at La Guardia and my daughter states she wants to go back home, in that edgy, pre-meltdown tone. I want to tell her she is tired, like I am, I want to tell her she should be excited to see her grandparents and extended family, but I took the leap of faith and asked her, “if we go back inside and fly home, what would you want to do when we got there.” She tells me she wants to be home, where she can be with her daddy, where she feels safe.
I am blown away!
I never would have guessed she was feeling unsafe. I kept being present and curious. “What else would you do?” She says, ” I would crawl in my bed and be warm and cozy”
It was a warm evening, but I asked if she wanted a blanket from my carry on. I invited her to cozy up on my lap, wrapped her up and she fell asleep.
WOW!
This has been a huge turning point in my parenting. A game changer. I feel more connected, I have more joy and it feels easier (not all the time, but a work in progress).
Just had a situation like this with my son. He is 14 and was very upset about a problem with his dad, and he said, “This just sucks.” Instead of trying to convince him it didn’t or change the subject, I just held his hand and said, “You know what? You’re right-this does suck. It’s not your fault, but it affects you, and I’m sorry you have to go through this.”. He felt do much better being able to express himself freely!
Wow.. this is exactly what I needed to read today. I have a very sensitive 4 year old that has always been very emotional about the seemingly ‘smallest’ things.. when in fact I do think it has more to do with underlying emotions than with the actual thing in question. I am just so thankful for the simple straightforward way you have written this post. It is something I am committed to bringing into our lives even though it is a daily struggle for us as we are all a very highly reactive family.. with strong personalities. We are working on it together with love. Thank you again!
You’re so welcome. It’s such a learning process to deal with big and sometimes scary emotions in a healthy way, but each step we take to get clear ourselves also helps our kids. Thanks for reading.
Yes, this! I’ve just lately realized that when I get frustrated at my son for meltdowns during math, it is my emotions I need to control, not his. Your post helps me to know what is the next step to take. Thank you!
Loved reading this article. Really makes sense . We are sometimes trying to be super-humans or super-mums getting everything done in a day and absentmindedly we brush off our child’s emotions. Or at least we try to downsize them thinking that they can’t possible think this ( problem) is That much of a big deal. As you say, they really just need for us to stop, sit beside them and Listen!
Thanks for sharing.. I look forward to taking this on board because my daughter has a lot of these moments.
I love this. It’s a reminder for me not to just dismiss my children’s feelings as overreacting and unimportant. I guess learning to recognise their worries is also part of learning and us by their sides as they went through the sadness/disappointment/etc. will help them cope with the big emotions one day. Thanks for sharing 🙂
The other day I had a huge fall out with my brother. We’re both adults so it was pretty bitter. Later that day he finally called, and I wrestled with not answering for about 2 seconds. He got very emotional. Looking back I realized I could have given more support by just staying silent for a moment but that is hard to do when it’s a phone conversation. But I’m glad it happened. These are things we need to learn not just with children and toddlers but with everyone. I realize I tend to handle the situations the way my mom has always taught me, say something snarky and walk away, don’t give the other person a chance to explain their feelings or just be there. It feels like an uphill battle most days just to be a kind human being.
Always growing, right? Hugs, Alissa
Really clear and helpful. Feels like there is a pathway right around the corner to connecting and supporting. Applies to adults and our friends. And our memories of how to be from childhood. Apparent absence of men with comments worth noting . . .
I agree Soumya Gayatri, beautifully said indeed.
Amen!
This has really made me think.
Thank you for sharing this
Beautifully said…last night we had a similar situation where I felt like my daughter reacted at level 8 instead of 3…but I took a.deep breath , said affirmations and just held her . Such great timing!
Thank you! This is a wonderful insight.
Wow, thank you. This is just what we needed. We have been struggling for a while with how we cope with my son ‘over reacting’ to things. He has always been a perfectionist but since starting school things seem to have got worse. Next time we have a blow out I will do my best to remeber this and acknowledge how he is feeling instead of trying to make him see he is over reacting.
deborahmc100
there is a difference, how we can help each other as grown-ups, it is another kind of relationship than to children, who depend on us
….yes, we have to see and accept the “little hurt children in ourselves and the other person” and each has to learn to take responsibility for the own “old” story and ask the other side for understanding….too much to describe here now…
but it definetely helps, if BOTH in any conflict situation just, breath, allow and embrasse whatever comes up in their mutual field and give it loving presence together…..
Good luck!
My passionate, sensitive, loving son has taught me so many things over the last 5 years. First that the ’cause’ of the upset is never the true reason for the upset. There is always something more behind it and it is my job to work out the real driver. The second is that I do not have to go to the place of big emotions with him. If I can sit calmly with him and witness for him he can calm himself down but he needs me to be his anchor. I don’t always manage it but things go so much better when I do.
Thanks for this great article. It is so real and I love seeing other Mums being so truthful about their experience.
Great article. Often a child’s distress can hide other traumas. We need to stop and really listen.
Nicole Schwarz Yes, now that I’m thinking about it that way, I feel like I’m wasting less time trying to convince them they should be feeling less than they are, and instead I can deal with where they really are at the moment. I love what you said about how you don’t have to react at a 10, just know that it is a 10 for them.
Just lovely!
I am going to try this with my husband.
Love it
Thank you for sharing this! It is a tricky thing, with the unexpressed and the expressed emotions. I experience, that I as a child always felt the truth. I could feel the energies of my parents. Their sadness, their anger and so on. But I wasn’t allowed to feel or express it. I had no chance to be happy and relaxed in this environment. But my parents made me feel, AS IF I WAS THE PROBLEM for their feelings and as if these were “MY FEELINGS” (they haven’t been my feelings at all, I just felt and expressed them because they were THERE!)
This is where I am coming from to be in loving presence with people and to help people to come into loving presence with themselves and others. I experience, that children don’t have these feelings independant of their environment or how we see them or expect them to be. Even if it is not spoken, not expressed. They feel our unexpressed emotions and bring them into expression. (FOR US)
What does that mean now? Instead of saying:. these are “THEIR” emotions I tend to say, look these are the emotions which are here now, for a reason that is definitely in the room between us. Maybe they just express “My emotions”….so I have to take responsibilty. I have to face my own anger, sadness, unfullfilled expectations and to be honest with this. Then my children don’t have to feel it at all.
I have many examples for the truth of this.
Children are innocent and can deal with everything. But they need the right, clear space and honesty for their growing and a living expample. This is the way I trust in children and what they express. This is the way I learned to trust myself and to heal my own story of having made feeling guilty, responsible and carrying stuff, that wasn’t mine at all.
So instead of helping them to feel “THEIR” emotions it is much better for THEM, if we say, sorry, you are right, you are just feeling MY unexpressed emotions and in the moment, YOU speak your TRUTH your child can relax instantly and the right balance is there.
I hope this perspective may help you and your children as well as it makes my own life and experiences with others much better.
Bridgette
very insightful . . . I think you’re right!
This article, and your comment, are exactly what I needed today. Thank you both.
Thank you for this post! It’s such a fantastic reminder to just be present with our kids. I love how you explained it using numbers – he thought it was a 10 and I thought it was a 3. What a great way to open up the conversation. You don’t have to react at a 10, but you need to realize that it’s a “10” for the other person.
YESSS!!!
This is lovely. I want to do this for everyone in my life. 🙂
love this article
Wow! Amazing!
wonderful article
YES! THIS! Thank you Alissa Marquess. Your writing speaks to my heart like few authors do. I’m grateful.
Yes, this is it. Keep going.