Parenting an Angry Child
People don’t talk about having an angry child (I mean a child who is very angry, very often.) At least I don’t see it too often. In this piece, which I originally published in 2012, I’m sharing my experience as best I can, because it has been one of the most isolating experiences in parenting for me. I hope to extend a hand to other parents who are struggling. This is the primary motivation behind the Real Peace community I co-created as well. I hope this story helps if you’re currently struggling with anger in your own family.
Parenting an Angry Child
I find it pretty difficult to talk about having an angry child. I want to reach out to other parents and say, “You’re not alone, I know what it’s like. I know it’s hard!” But sometimes, on the blog especially, I just don’t talk about it because it always feels like you need to preface the discussion with, “I love my child, of course.” What a silly statement– OF COURSE I love my child.
Also, what I write here is public for….who knows how long? I assume what I write about my children could be pulled up years and years from now. I have no desire to write anything that will leave my kids feeling embarrassed or ashamed.
But I’m giving a try at writing this because, really, why should our relationships with our children ONLY be allowed to be positive? It doesn’t serve any of us parents to sit alone wondering if we’re doing something wrong. It doesn’t serve our children if we are unable to reach out and find the tools we need to help them handle their big emotions.
Big Emotions
My middle son gets ANGRY. In babyhood it was screaming for hours. In toddlerhood it was the screaming and then banging his head on the floor until he gave himself a bloody nose. We’ve moved away from the head banging (thankfully!) But screaming is still loudly a part of our lives. I’ve dealt with my five year old having night terrors for years during which he is simultaneously calling for me and kicking me away if I try to comfort him.
I have been That Person at the grocery store. I have had someone who seemed to lack any empathy tell me “You should knock that F*cker out!” as we barely manage to get out the grocery store doors. Ouch. My son gets angry.
We have been through Early Intervention for sensory issues. He has been diagnosed with migraines and we’ve currently got more diet restrictions more than I’ve got fingers on one hand. All of this helps to a point, but that anger is still there. It is his “fall back” response to being out of sorts.
It’s scary to have an angry child.
Sometimes eating right, doing regular sensory activities and giving positive attention works. We get in a groove and I feel great seeing this shining, wonderful person who is my son, and I think “OK! Now we’ve got it all figured out! Yes!”
But then we fall into a downswing again. (This is where we’ve been lately.) We go into a downward spiral. He wants more attention. I want a break. He becomes a black hole of energy in our family because he is loud and demanding and we are frazzled and unable to meet his needs. I begin to feel hopeless, worried. “What if I can’t DO this?!” I worry that my flaring temper, my inability to ever REALLY figure out this enigma of a child will injure him. I worry that if I don’t do this right, when he’s an adult his already raw emotions will go unchecked and work against him. My worries are darker than that, but writing them down feels like it would only be giving credence to these phantoms.
We are not missing pieces.
The other night I sat on his bed while he cried (I had enough rest and was feeling patient, thankfully) and I realized something that helped me make a mental shift. I realized that THIS is our relationship. He will not be my easy child. He just won’t. I will not wake up one day knowing all the answers. There will be no magic pill that says, “Here, now you are both ready to be with each other and it will be so easy.” And, you know, I finally felt a little bit of peace about that.
I think I needed to grieve and let go of how I hoped it would be.
For his whole life I have been looking for that missing puzzle piece that would solve it all. I have tried so hard, but have been barely adequate at truly accepting my son as he is. That anger is so loud and so difficult that sometimes it’s the only part I have seen.
But that night as he cried and I tried to comfort him, something clicked. I realized that just as I am a growing and flawed human being, so is my son, and he is NO LESS whole for it. He is not missing a part of the puzzle for being so angry, nor am I, for being a mom who is LEARNING how to deal with anger. This is the whole of who we are now and it holds the wonderful potential for who we can become. We are beautiful and varied human beings with a contrast of dark and light. My son may scream and rage in the darkness; he may be so angry that a grocery-store-stranger feels the need to cuss at us, but he has a light that would TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY if you could see it.
It is Monsoon season here. The days can go from warm and sunny to storming and grey and back again in a matter of hours. The storms are intense – flashing lightning and a cracking thunder that makes you jump. But then – then the rainbow appears. Then the grass grows where once it was dry and brown. It feels like the entire desert sighs with satisfaction and renewal. The desert is not broken; it’s is not missing something. The desert’s harsh swings in temperature can be unsettling, but they are also what gives this place its stark and contrasting beauty.
My son gets angry. He pushes me to learn more about myself, about parenting, about how I respond to anger. He gives me the courage to change and start over when things don’t work. He helps me be a better person because, of course; I LOVE my son.
This is our story that we are living together. No missing pieces, just a chance to grow after the rain.
So this is why I write about parenting, and it’s something I struggle with. I by no means have it worked out, but I keep learning (even on days when I really Rather Not). I just want you to know, if you have an angry or intense child…you’re not alone, I know it’s hard and I’m sending you a hug.
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being transparent. Yes, other moms like myself DO need to feel that we are not alone. I felt my heart being written for me in this article. Every rage makes my heart sad because I know people are looking at him and not seeing that LIGHT that can take your breath away. They don’t see his sense of humor and his sweet moments. They don’t see the gentle boy that adores babies and snuggles his younger siblings. They see the rage and many can’t see beyond that….EVER. I am learning to take a few more minutes to validate his feelings and understand where the anger is coming from (most of it frustration, fear, nervousness, even embarrassment), letting him know that I understand him and helping him navigate to a better emotion or better way of handling his impulse. It is mentally exhausting but I know what I see in him and I will do whatever it takes for him keeping my own eyes on his LIGHT in the midst of the darkness.
Hi,
I have a very explosive 9yo boy. Sometimes he can handle being told “no” other times it turns him into this screaming, threatening, violent, throwing things and breaking things and swearing boy. I don’t know if he is depressed, anxious or just needs to learn to accept the word no sometimes. I’m scared for his future. We haven’t had any diagnosis but he has seen a couple of different psychologists with no great outcome. We have changed diet, no preservatives, colours etc. He takes fish oil and probiotics. I’m wondering if anyone has had any luck with behavioural therapists? I’m in Adelaide, South Australia.
Thank you
Has anyone here seen a naturopath & gotten a live blood analysis? This was huge for our family when we discovered heavy metals, systemic viral activity, neurological crystals, low iron, adrenal fatigue, low mineral intake, leaky gut, uric acid buildup, auto immune & free radical damage. These all are contributing to mood swings, sleeplessness, night terrors, & overall stress to body & mind. We were already avoiding food dyes, artificial ingredients & preservatives for yrs. But we knew the symptoms were still there & wondered what we might be missing. Now we are doing Gaps/ Kaufman diet to heal leaky gut & feel empowered to finally know what we are really dealing with;) Please everyone consider this. Good Luck & God Bless.
Just read this at just the right time! Thank you! I have been tired and overwhelmed and this helped encourage me. My husband and I talked about how this may be what we deal with for many years to come, maybe our lifetime and I have grieved that! Now I embrace it and this cane at just the right time!
Hi Dawn,
So glad you found it encouraging. I wrote this piece about parenting my angry child about 5 years ago. While he and I still butt heads sometimes, one of the cool things is that I’ve learned SOOOooo much about myself and how I handle anger since then, so I am far less triggered than I once was. I used to fear that mothering would always be me feeling like I was in crisis, barely hanging on, but that is not the case. We keep learning together and for that I am very grateful. Best wishes to you, and hugs, this can be a really tough journey sometimes.
Alissa
I have read this particular post several times. Every time it shows up on my FB feed I re-read it. And every time it brings tears to my eyes. This: “I think I needed to grieve and let go of how I hoped it would be.” and this: “For his whole life I have been looking for that missing puzzle piece that would solve it all.” So spot on. I am still trying to get to that place of acceptance. My daughter was diagnosed with ASD over 2 years ago, and anger has always been her catch-all emotion. I still sometimes grieve the diagnosis. Which is a controversial thing to even admit. It gives us an explanation, but no solution, to the hair raising screaming that can go on in our house. And then there are the days of kindness, thoughtfulness, generosity, humour…and I think it’s all going to be ok. What a roller coaster. Thank-you for posting with such honesty – this post really helps to ground me!
Wow. I so get this. One of my sons is so angry, and only with us (his parents.) It is so hard to know what to do and we feel alone and ridiculously inept sometimes. I really appreciate this post.
Thank you. I knew we weren’t the only ones but it we’ve just come back from a family holiday with my parents and sisters and everyday our son (7) angry because he wanted to be at home, my family don’t understand the struggle of an angry child and we had the usual he wouldnt be like that with me!!! great really helpful comments. And the terror of what our son will say next – he has a foul mouth when angry!!! so thank you for every ones posts.
wow, awesome forum topic.Thanks Again. Will read on…
Sorry my first comment accidentally got submitted before I was finished 🙂
Thank you so much for this post, it is wonderful to know there are other parents out there struggling as I am. My daughter is a very strong-willed, intense child. Every emotion is a 10. She is 4 and has been referred to a behavioral therapist after the behavior modification plan her pediatrician put her on failed miserably. We have not been yet due to insurance issues last year but now that we have switched plans we are going to take her. I have felt like such a failure as a mother that I have tried every method I can get my hands on but I still cannot help my child control her emotions. I always thought that if we maintained clearly defined rules/expectations and consistent consequences, lots of praise and love, fun one on one time, structure and an active (both mentally and physically) schedule that my children would be happy and well behaved. I know children have tantrums, they get over loaded sometimes. But this is different with my daughter. My 3 year old son is that happy, well behaved, loving child (most of the time lol)…but I worry for my girl. I just want to raise her to be a happy, well-adjusted, successful adult and sometimes I feel like I’m failing her. I am glad to know that I am not the only one with these feelings and these struggles. Thank you!
My son is soon to be 5, and I am 23 with also a 2 year old daughter. My son has ODD, and pretty much to sum it up, he gets angry. It’s just me and them, dad’s not around, and normally children developed ODD from an unstructured environment. The dad left when I was 5 month pregnant with my daughter, and I’ve held on to a lot of guilt feeling like I made him angry.. But as I read this article, after councilors, classes, home working how to handle and change his behahuor, this has been the most helpful. I was in tears for majority of it because it was so touching for me. Some times I do feel like it’s just my child, but I guess not. Thank you so much
You’re so welcome Kayla. And sending hugs! One of the things I’ve found, is that while it’s a long path to walk, everything I do to learn more about how to healthfully manage my emotions and myself, also helps my child. In the past year I discovered the book The Whole Brain Child: https://amzn.to/1NIJsSK by Daniel Siegel, and that has really helped me understand more about how my kids minds work and helped me implement more ways to keep us on a more even keel (not always successful, but you know…better at least!)
Wishing you well. ~Alissa
Let me start by saying my angry child is now 28 years old, married with one child. He has a loving wife, a good job and has a beautiful new home. Hooray for the last 31 words I just typed because years ago while raising him, I prayed that his life would be this good. There were days when he was so angry that we did not know what to do. His angry was mostly directed at us. Teachers,coaches and his friends loved him. Luckily I attended a talk session with Barbara Coloroso where she featured her book “Kids Are Worth It”. I realized that in part of her speech, she was describing my son. He was a leader in her words and well, leaders do not like to be told what to do. When he started school, I was told that he was a leader in the classroom many times by his teachers throughout his school years. I realized that being the parents of a so called leader was very, very hard. He had his own agenda that did not include listening to us. The night terrors were bad. But as we gave him more age appropriate freedom to do things on his own in his own way, things got better. We learned to pick our battles and if issues were not life threatening or morally wrong, then we tried not to sweat the small stuff. I think he made me a better parent. I learned a lot from him especially how to be more patient. I love this outstanding person that is smart, loving and oh yes a great leader to all who know him.
As I read this article I thought how much calming relief both your children and the parents might get from the use of essential oils.
I have often wished I had known about them when my grandson was younger and in a similar place. If you want to know more please contact me at [email protected] and I will be glad to talk to you about it. Good luck, take a deep breath and keep telling yourself all will be ok and use as soft a voice as possible through it all. Yes easy to say!! Big Hugs too all
Thank you for putting this out for other mothers and family of children with anger or frustration or any other behavioural needs. I needed to read this right now I am so glad whilst reading about how to deal with anger I came across a post which makes you stop and realise both adult and child are suffering whilst going through tough spells. Many times I have gone to bed angry and upset with myself for how I dealt with his anger not realising he feels awful too. When you described “the missing piece” I cried because that is exactly what I have felt like. But you are so right he is beautiful and no matter how hard a day may be there will still be great days to come. Best wishes to you and you’re son. And thank you again for this beautiful post xxx
Kirsty, you’re so welcome. What a journey this is. I had no clue how much I would be learning about anger by having kids- whew!
You’re not alone 🙂 ~Alissa
My oldest son who is six was kicked out of camp this summer for his angry explosions that led to hitting and kicking campers and Councilors. We were mortified. So far our words and the punishments given didn’t work. He’s again started to act out in 1st grade. I can see so much good in him but his actions cause others to exclude him which breaks my heart. I understand your grief. I don’t know if I’ve accepted our relationship, but the grief is very real. Thank you for writing your story so we know we are not alone.
Thank you thank you thank you a million times thank you!!!!!!!!
Thank you. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by my angry 8 year old daughter. The guilt and uncertainty feels like a crushing weight, and there is no one to talk to about it.
Every parent is faced by a situation in which they find themselves exasperated and enraged over some defiant behaviour of their children. https://www.parent-connection.com/get-rid-of-anger-and-defiance-once-and-for-all
How can I print this?
I really appreciated this article and your encouragement, hope and faith that you communicated throughout the article. Your relationship with your son challenges you to grow and he has amazing potential locked up inside him and you will be instrumental in his journey to unlock it. Just this morning i had the thought for the first time to grieve the loss of my expectations with my adopted daughter and look for the potential that our relationship has and her individual potential. Thank you so much for your honesty in the article.
Please Try cranial Osteo. It was the only thing that helped us. It’s amazing
i too read this with a bit of a lump.
i feel my son has this same issue, and maybe i do have to mourn what im “expecting”. that is a very good thought that brings me to tears, so it hits home somewhat!
i think that this can also pare with aspergers or autism spectrum because that need to have control goes with that as well (i would know im an aspie myself)… its very scary to not have control or for things to change, or for what is expected to happen and then doesnt, whatever the case.
he wants to do what he wants, when he wants, and we usually butt heads about those kinds of things. 🙁