Parenting an Angry Child
People don’t talk about having an angry child (I mean a child who is very angry, very often.) At least I don’t see it too often. In this piece, which I originally published in 2012, I’m sharing my experience as best I can, because it has been one of the most isolating experiences in parenting for me. I hope to extend a hand to other parents who are struggling. This is the primary motivation behind the Real Peace community I co-created as well. I hope this story helps if you’re currently struggling with anger in your own family.
Parenting an Angry Child
I find it pretty difficult to talk about having an angry child. I want to reach out to other parents and say, “You’re not alone, I know what it’s like. I know it’s hard!” But sometimes, on the blog especially, I just don’t talk about it because it always feels like you need to preface the discussion with, “I love my child, of course.” What a silly statement– OF COURSE I love my child.
Also, what I write here is public for….who knows how long? I assume what I write about my children could be pulled up years and years from now. I have no desire to write anything that will leave my kids feeling embarrassed or ashamed.
But I’m giving a try at writing this because, really, why should our relationships with our children ONLY be allowed to be positive? It doesn’t serve any of us parents to sit alone wondering if we’re doing something wrong. It doesn’t serve our children if we are unable to reach out and find the tools we need to help them handle their big emotions.
Big Emotions
My middle son gets ANGRY. In babyhood it was screaming for hours. In toddlerhood it was the screaming and then banging his head on the floor until he gave himself a bloody nose. We’ve moved away from the head banging (thankfully!) But screaming is still loudly a part of our lives. I’ve dealt with my five year old having night terrors for years during which he is simultaneously calling for me and kicking me away if I try to comfort him.
I have been That Person at the grocery store. I have had someone who seemed to lack any empathy tell me “You should knock that F*cker out!” as we barely manage to get out the grocery store doors. Ouch. My son gets angry.
We have been through Early Intervention for sensory issues. He has been diagnosed with migraines and we’ve currently got more diet restrictions more than I’ve got fingers on one hand. All of this helps to a point, but that anger is still there. It is his “fall back” response to being out of sorts.
It’s scary to have an angry child.
Sometimes eating right, doing regular sensory activities and giving positive attention works. We get in a groove and I feel great seeing this shining, wonderful person who is my son, and I think “OK! Now we’ve got it all figured out! Yes!”
But then we fall into a downswing again. (This is where we’ve been lately.) We go into a downward spiral. He wants more attention. I want a break. He becomes a black hole of energy in our family because he is loud and demanding and we are frazzled and unable to meet his needs. I begin to feel hopeless, worried. “What if I can’t DO this?!” I worry that my flaring temper, my inability to ever REALLY figure out this enigma of a child will injure him. I worry that if I don’t do this right, when he’s an adult his already raw emotions will go unchecked and work against him. My worries are darker than that, but writing them down feels like it would only be giving credence to these phantoms.
We are not missing pieces.
The other night I sat on his bed while he cried (I had enough rest and was feeling patient, thankfully) and I realized something that helped me make a mental shift. I realized that THIS is our relationship. He will not be my easy child. He just won’t. I will not wake up one day knowing all the answers. There will be no magic pill that says, “Here, now you are both ready to be with each other and it will be so easy.” And, you know, I finally felt a little bit of peace about that.
I think I needed to grieve and let go of how I hoped it would be.
For his whole life I have been looking for that missing puzzle piece that would solve it all. I have tried so hard, but have been barely adequate at truly accepting my son as he is. That anger is so loud and so difficult that sometimes it’s the only part I have seen.
But that night as he cried and I tried to comfort him, something clicked. I realized that just as I am a growing and flawed human being, so is my son, and he is NO LESS whole for it. He is not missing a part of the puzzle for being so angry, nor am I, for being a mom who is LEARNING how to deal with anger. This is the whole of who we are now and it holds the wonderful potential for who we can become. We are beautiful and varied human beings with a contrast of dark and light. My son may scream and rage in the darkness; he may be so angry that a grocery-store-stranger feels the need to cuss at us, but he has a light that would TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY if you could see it.
It is Monsoon season here. The days can go from warm and sunny to storming and grey and back again in a matter of hours. The storms are intense – flashing lightning and a cracking thunder that makes you jump. But then – then the rainbow appears. Then the grass grows where once it was dry and brown. It feels like the entire desert sighs with satisfaction and renewal. The desert is not broken; it’s is not missing something. The desert’s harsh swings in temperature can be unsettling, but they are also what gives this place its stark and contrasting beauty.
My son gets angry. He pushes me to learn more about myself, about parenting, about how I respond to anger. He gives me the courage to change and start over when things don’t work. He helps me be a better person because, of course; I LOVE my son.
This is our story that we are living together. No missing pieces, just a chance to grow after the rain.
So this is why I write about parenting, and it’s something I struggle with. I by no means have it worked out, but I keep learning (even on days when I really Rather Not). I just want you to know, if you have an angry or intense child…you’re not alone, I know it’s hard and I’m sending you a hug.
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Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for being transparent. Yes, other moms like myself DO need to feel that we are not alone. I felt my heart being written for me in this article. Every rage makes my heart sad because I know people are looking at him and not seeing that LIGHT that can take your breath away. They don’t see his sense of humor and his sweet moments. They don’t see the gentle boy that adores babies and snuggles his younger siblings. They see the rage and many can’t see beyond that….EVER. I am learning to take a few more minutes to validate his feelings and understand where the anger is coming from (most of it frustration, fear, nervousness, even embarrassment), letting him know that I understand him and helping him navigate to a better emotion or better way of handling his impulse. It is mentally exhausting but I know what I see in him and I will do whatever it takes for him keeping my own eyes on his LIGHT in the midst of the darkness.
Hi,
I have a very explosive 9yo boy. Sometimes he can handle being told “no” other times it turns him into this screaming, threatening, violent, throwing things and breaking things and swearing boy. I don’t know if he is depressed, anxious or just needs to learn to accept the word no sometimes. I’m scared for his future. We haven’t had any diagnosis but he has seen a couple of different psychologists with no great outcome. We have changed diet, no preservatives, colours etc. He takes fish oil and probiotics. I’m wondering if anyone has had any luck with behavioural therapists? I’m in Adelaide, South Australia.
Thank you
Has anyone here seen a naturopath & gotten a live blood analysis? This was huge for our family when we discovered heavy metals, systemic viral activity, neurological crystals, low iron, adrenal fatigue, low mineral intake, leaky gut, uric acid buildup, auto immune & free radical damage. These all are contributing to mood swings, sleeplessness, night terrors, & overall stress to body & mind. We were already avoiding food dyes, artificial ingredients & preservatives for yrs. But we knew the symptoms were still there & wondered what we might be missing. Now we are doing Gaps/ Kaufman diet to heal leaky gut & feel empowered to finally know what we are really dealing with;) Please everyone consider this. Good Luck & God Bless.
Just read this at just the right time! Thank you! I have been tired and overwhelmed and this helped encourage me. My husband and I talked about how this may be what we deal with for many years to come, maybe our lifetime and I have grieved that! Now I embrace it and this cane at just the right time!
Hi Dawn,
So glad you found it encouraging. I wrote this piece about parenting my angry child about 5 years ago. While he and I still butt heads sometimes, one of the cool things is that I’ve learned SOOOooo much about myself and how I handle anger since then, so I am far less triggered than I once was. I used to fear that mothering would always be me feeling like I was in crisis, barely hanging on, but that is not the case. We keep learning together and for that I am very grateful. Best wishes to you, and hugs, this can be a really tough journey sometimes.
Alissa
I have read this particular post several times. Every time it shows up on my FB feed I re-read it. And every time it brings tears to my eyes. This: “I think I needed to grieve and let go of how I hoped it would be.” and this: “For his whole life I have been looking for that missing puzzle piece that would solve it all.” So spot on. I am still trying to get to that place of acceptance. My daughter was diagnosed with ASD over 2 years ago, and anger has always been her catch-all emotion. I still sometimes grieve the diagnosis. Which is a controversial thing to even admit. It gives us an explanation, but no solution, to the hair raising screaming that can go on in our house. And then there are the days of kindness, thoughtfulness, generosity, humour…and I think it’s all going to be ok. What a roller coaster. Thank-you for posting with such honesty – this post really helps to ground me!
Wow. I so get this. One of my sons is so angry, and only with us (his parents.) It is so hard to know what to do and we feel alone and ridiculously inept sometimes. I really appreciate this post.
Thank you. I knew we weren’t the only ones but it we’ve just come back from a family holiday with my parents and sisters and everyday our son (7) angry because he wanted to be at home, my family don’t understand the struggle of an angry child and we had the usual he wouldnt be like that with me!!! great really helpful comments. And the terror of what our son will say next – he has a foul mouth when angry!!! so thank you for every ones posts.
wow, awesome forum topic.Thanks Again. Will read on…
Sorry my first comment accidentally got submitted before I was finished 🙂
Thank you so much for this post, it is wonderful to know there are other parents out there struggling as I am. My daughter is a very strong-willed, intense child. Every emotion is a 10. She is 4 and has been referred to a behavioral therapist after the behavior modification plan her pediatrician put her on failed miserably. We have not been yet due to insurance issues last year but now that we have switched plans we are going to take her. I have felt like such a failure as a mother that I have tried every method I can get my hands on but I still cannot help my child control her emotions. I always thought that if we maintained clearly defined rules/expectations and consistent consequences, lots of praise and love, fun one on one time, structure and an active (both mentally and physically) schedule that my children would be happy and well behaved. I know children have tantrums, they get over loaded sometimes. But this is different with my daughter. My 3 year old son is that happy, well behaved, loving child (most of the time lol)…but I worry for my girl. I just want to raise her to be a happy, well-adjusted, successful adult and sometimes I feel like I’m failing her. I am glad to know that I am not the only one with these feelings and these struggles. Thank you!
My son is soon to be 5, and I am 23 with also a 2 year old daughter. My son has ODD, and pretty much to sum it up, he gets angry. It’s just me and them, dad’s not around, and normally children developed ODD from an unstructured environment. The dad left when I was 5 month pregnant with my daughter, and I’ve held on to a lot of guilt feeling like I made him angry.. But as I read this article, after councilors, classes, home working how to handle and change his behahuor, this has been the most helpful. I was in tears for majority of it because it was so touching for me. Some times I do feel like it’s just my child, but I guess not. Thank you so much
You’re so welcome Kayla. And sending hugs! One of the things I’ve found, is that while it’s a long path to walk, everything I do to learn more about how to healthfully manage my emotions and myself, also helps my child. In the past year I discovered the book The Whole Brain Child: https://amzn.to/1NIJsSK by Daniel Siegel, and that has really helped me understand more about how my kids minds work and helped me implement more ways to keep us on a more even keel (not always successful, but you know…better at least!)
Wishing you well. ~Alissa
Let me start by saying my angry child is now 28 years old, married with one child. He has a loving wife, a good job and has a beautiful new home. Hooray for the last 31 words I just typed because years ago while raising him, I prayed that his life would be this good. There were days when he was so angry that we did not know what to do. His angry was mostly directed at us. Teachers,coaches and his friends loved him. Luckily I attended a talk session with Barbara Coloroso where she featured her book “Kids Are Worth It”. I realized that in part of her speech, she was describing my son. He was a leader in her words and well, leaders do not like to be told what to do. When he started school, I was told that he was a leader in the classroom many times by his teachers throughout his school years. I realized that being the parents of a so called leader was very, very hard. He had his own agenda that did not include listening to us. The night terrors were bad. But as we gave him more age appropriate freedom to do things on his own in his own way, things got better. We learned to pick our battles and if issues were not life threatening or morally wrong, then we tried not to sweat the small stuff. I think he made me a better parent. I learned a lot from him especially how to be more patient. I love this outstanding person that is smart, loving and oh yes a great leader to all who know him.
As I read this article I thought how much calming relief both your children and the parents might get from the use of essential oils.
I have often wished I had known about them when my grandson was younger and in a similar place. If you want to know more please contact me at [email protected] and I will be glad to talk to you about it. Good luck, take a deep breath and keep telling yourself all will be ok and use as soft a voice as possible through it all. Yes easy to say!! Big Hugs too all
Thank you for putting this out for other mothers and family of children with anger or frustration or any other behavioural needs. I needed to read this right now I am so glad whilst reading about how to deal with anger I came across a post which makes you stop and realise both adult and child are suffering whilst going through tough spells. Many times I have gone to bed angry and upset with myself for how I dealt with his anger not realising he feels awful too. When you described “the missing piece” I cried because that is exactly what I have felt like. But you are so right he is beautiful and no matter how hard a day may be there will still be great days to come. Best wishes to you and you’re son. And thank you again for this beautiful post xxx
Kirsty, you’re so welcome. What a journey this is. I had no clue how much I would be learning about anger by having kids- whew!
You’re not alone 🙂 ~Alissa
My oldest son who is six was kicked out of camp this summer for his angry explosions that led to hitting and kicking campers and Councilors. We were mortified. So far our words and the punishments given didn’t work. He’s again started to act out in 1st grade. I can see so much good in him but his actions cause others to exclude him which breaks my heart. I understand your grief. I don’t know if I’ve accepted our relationship, but the grief is very real. Thank you for writing your story so we know we are not alone.
Thank you thank you thank you a million times thank you!!!!!!!!
Thank you. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by my angry 8 year old daughter. The guilt and uncertainty feels like a crushing weight, and there is no one to talk to about it.
Every parent is faced by a situation in which they find themselves exasperated and enraged over some defiant behaviour of their children. https://www.parent-connection.com/get-rid-of-anger-and-defiance-once-and-for-all
How can I print this?
I really appreciated this article and your encouragement, hope and faith that you communicated throughout the article. Your relationship with your son challenges you to grow and he has amazing potential locked up inside him and you will be instrumental in his journey to unlock it. Just this morning i had the thought for the first time to grieve the loss of my expectations with my adopted daughter and look for the potential that our relationship has and her individual potential. Thank you so much for your honesty in the article.
Please Try cranial Osteo. It was the only thing that helped us. It’s amazing
i too read this with a bit of a lump.
i feel my son has this same issue, and maybe i do have to mourn what im “expecting”. that is a very good thought that brings me to tears, so it hits home somewhat!
i think that this can also pare with aspergers or autism spectrum because that need to have control goes with that as well (i would know im an aspie myself)… its very scary to not have control or for things to change, or for what is expected to happen and then doesnt, whatever the case.
he wants to do what he wants, when he wants, and we usually butt heads about those kinds of things. 🙁
Wow, I realize his post was written 2 years ago and I’m just finding it now. I know what it’s like for sure especially when you said you felt like you grieved how you hoped things would be. I went through the same thing with my first born. My son is amazing and we have learned so much from each other and I think it’s important to see what our kids can teach us about ourselves. One thing that has made a different in our daily lives are essential oils. We use different oils for day time and bed time to help balance emotions and heal internally from emotional damages. There have been times where I’ve lost it and they help me as well. I hope you and your son are doing well. 😀
The child described in this article was my child at that age. Now she is 14 and it has only gotten harder. She yells at me as if I was a stupid, small child and she should be in charge. Her need for control is constant and severe and yet, she is scary when she is given the smallest amount of control due to her poor choices. I hope only the best for you and your son.
Thank you so much for sharing..I too can relate to this.. I loved this part: “My son gets angry. He pushes me to learn more about myself, about parenting, about how I respond to anger. He gives me the courage to change and start over when things don’t work. He helps me be a better person because, of course; I LOVE my son”
My middle child has always been angry so I read this with a lump in my throat. I remember the frustration when her anger and tantrums would siderail our families activities and dictate the mood of any room. We tried counseling. We changed her diet. We added activities. We tried to stay positive. I never understood why she got so angry and why the intensity was so much greater than my other children. My heart broke when she turned that anger on me in words that still haunt me. She is now 15 years old and somewhere along the line much of the anger dissipated. I don’t know if it is the fact that she now can have more of the independence that she demanded and fought for since she was three. I don’t know if she’s learned to manage it better. I still worry a lot. She is an intense person. She feels things bigger than the rest of us. Now I can see there is great joy in that although it can also mean deep anger and pain, too. You’re right though, I think parents of angry kids have to mourn the loss of their expectations and then accept that this is who their child is and love them anyway.
Hug back to you. I’ve read this before, and will go back to it again. Thank you.
Some children just have a hard time being satisfied and content. It’s their personality and they are difficult to parent. A screaming child is not getting what they want and bystanders should not judge you as a bad parent! A family of three children can have two easy kids and one that is difficult and prone to tantrums! Same parenting practices, same love, but different reactions to all things
Really feeling choked up, because I thought I was alone – add to it guilt over what I could have done to prevent him developing epilepsy and you have written a day in my life.
Great piece, can relate xx
I am so glad to know I am not alone…
Thank you! You have put my life into words!
What a great article. I think that when you have a challenging child you are constantly on the look out for the piece of advice that will help and in wishful thinking change everything. But from my experiences they end up making me feel worse in that everything I try is unable to break the temper in my son and then I feel like I have failed. Thank you for writing an article that is understanding and gives the other side of parenting.
Tears on my face – finally another parent who gets it. Thankyou x
Love & thank for sharing….namaste
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so, i immediately contacted this man via: [email protected] and i told you my problems, he assured me that he will solve my problems. i believed him and today i am glad to let you all no that i am a woman with 2 kids after 7 years of barrenness. i have been the happiest woman on earth today and i also you want you contact this same man on any problem and i assure you that he will surely help you. Thanks to Great Priest Essyewa.
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Wael plz read
Great article. X
What an excellent article. Especially in church it seems as if all other emotions are acceptable, but anger is quickly frowned upon.
What a touching article and a great reassurance for those of us with challenging parenting issues.
Thank you for your bravery in writing this and in doing so making so many feel they are not alone!!
This really did help.. I have a 3yr old that just makes me want to have breakdown…he screams yells at me demands me hits the walls..takes his am her out on his little brother…sometimes I don’t know how to deal with it…
That was beautifully written. I can’t say I know what you are going through bc that would not be true, but I can imagine and I understand it may not be easy. What I can relate to is having an incredibly deep and meaningful love and relationship with your child. Your son. Thank you for writing this piece and good luck with your babies !
My child isn’t always an easy child either, while she doesn’t have the same challenges, her emotions often overwhelm her. Today we dealt with 30 minute meltdown over not playing with a grasshopper. I too had to have a realization that who she is, even at her worst, isn’t a statement about who I am. She has to have the freedom to explore who she is. While I am trying to teach her to learn to control these emotions, her emotions are part of the most amazing parts of her. Because as much as her anger and sadness and frustrations can overwhelm her, so do love, joy, and laughter. I wouldn’t want to dim her spirit. I’ve been “that mom” in the store while she cried and screamed, and I learned to just be calm, patient, and laugh if I can at the fact that kids aren’t perfect. Thank you for be willing to be real about the tough stuff, not just the times life goes smoothly.
Look into magnesium deficiency in children. I’ve done a lot of studying and the results of a daily liquid supplement has been amazing for us.
Beautiful!! Thank you so much for this.
Thank you for writing this. Having an angry toddler is really tough and I totally feel like I’m missing something most of the time (especially because he’s my first). I’m glad I’m not alone. 🙂
This is a beautifully written piece that I’m sure your son will be proud to read in years to come. I’m dealing with an extremely angry 2.5 year old at the moment since her brother was born a month ago. It’s taking every ounce of tolerance, love and energy that I have but I am slowly accepting that she is perfectly imperfect and that’s OK. She’s a very strong willed little girl which is a fantastic trait to have.
Thank you for saying this
This was me and my guy last night. Tonight was so much better. Thanks for sharing and reminding us that no one is ever alone.
I try to tell the yeller in a calm voice ‘I am frustrated and I am walking away. When we have calmed down and can use kind words with each other lets talk. Come find me.’ Then I walk away and find my happy place.
Thank you for sharing! Shedding a few tears
I yell too, but try to find constructive words beyond ‘shut up’, because I tend to make things worse when I say that. I say, “You are not ready to talk to me if you are still yelling/whining/sassing/ignoring.” I have also thrown my hands over my ears while voicing in pain at the sound, and left the room. I have declared to them I am only able to return when/if the noise has stopped.
Thanks Kathy Pichat Greenstone.
The only thing that has ever worked for me is moving away… A room away, a floor away, outside if possible.
Tim Tasso
Thank you for sharing.
So glad I’ve seen this, daughters now 13 and been angry since she was 3 still in going xx
Oh wow! So glad that I found this post! This is actually my first time to comment on a blog. My son is 5 yrs old and it’s been a long road so far and you are so right that his mood swings seem to rule our family. Until recently, I’ve been the “suffer in silence” type of mom and I just need to realize that that just doesn’t help anyone. He is in OT and we’ve started PCIT therapy, which is helping me to realize how to relate and handle the behaviors, because I just wasn’t handling them before…I would just escalate along with him. He is starting kinder this year and I’m so fearful of how his meltdowns are going to be handled at school and I just don’t want this to set up a bad perspective for him about school if they aren’t dealt with positively. I completely agree it’s a grieving process as you start to let go of how “easy and smooth” it was going to be in your mind. I have two other daughters (my son is a middle child) and their ages are within 3 years of each other, which doesn’t help when I’m trying to calm him and my three year old is just going through her typical occasional 3 year old tantrums and then my 6 yr old wants to throw her two cents in. Thank you so much for posting this as i can relate to so much of it!
Thank you so much for sharing this… I have a very intense little man who I have always felt ia determined to buck the trend and make me work harder 😉 I’ve prayed and sort help tried all sorts to “change” him to make him “conform” to the world. After reading your post I felt so guilty for trying to change him instead of accepting him and letting him just be him… like you said of course I Love him And have realised I can love him so much better by just loving HIM. I need to enjoy the “easy times” and not sweat the hard ones so much. Xxx
I’m right there with ya Jess!
Thank you Heather Shireman for sharing this!!!
Thank you so much for posting this! I really needed to read this, as I am always feeling like I am doing something wrong with my son or if I just read this book maybe I will find the answer.
Peggy Heubner
Thank you. I found this as we are in a sunny period after a very dark one.
thanks. a while back i asked “why cant you just be happy?” my son responded “im just not one of those children”. thats when i really started to except him more as he is. atleast slowly it is getting easier .
Lauren Harmer
Beautifully said Rosilyn Marie Funk!
Thank you for posting this! I also have a very spirited and intense son. I recently came to this same realization. It was difficult to accept that he is not like his laid back and calm little brother. What has helped me cope is to focus on his exuberance when he is truly joyful and wow, when his light shines, he truly beams like no other!!
Thanks so much for that hug. I really needed it today. You write so beautifully about parenting.
Thank you for your words. They were raw and honest. I get it too, I have an intense boy who is 3 now and have had all the feelings you wrote about. I even attempted to bring him already to a therapist for help and for me to get help. I went running away from them and will not return as it did not feel right. As she said to hold his hands and say “stop now”. Um I wouldn’t be here if that worked! I too had an ah ha moment and I see him in a different light. He is so special and even though he tantrums and hits, and has said some awful things, the light and love in his heart is strong too. Just want you to know that I was nodding and smiling while reading your blog. I get it too.
Thank you sooo much for sharing your journey . I’m a single parent of 3 boys , 2 of which have high functioning autism . My middle son is 7 years old and has explosive outbursts every day . With all the intervention and everything I’ve learnt to help him I feel as though I’m at my wits end . I need a lot of rest to cope with his meltdowns every single night after school . Hugo also used to headbanger as a toddler . I honestly have to do life one day at a time and have had to learn to accept that ‘ yes’ our household is different to others . I think this is a life long journey .!!!! Thanks again as I had lost hope today until I read your story . Take care x
Thank you, I have a 5 year old who has had trouble with “tantrums” since birth. We’ve tried all “traditional” parenting techniques and recently gave in and went to a psychologist. One thing she had us try & we found that helps is to say, “Mommy/Daddy want to help, but we won’t help you until you calm down.” He quickly calms down (just turns it off), takes a deep breath then we talk about the behavior before dealing with the issue that made him blow. There area few occasions where he can’t calm himself down as quickly, but the majority of the time he is able to turn his “tantrum” off and we can all calmly discuss the behavior then the issue. This simple phrase has stopped us from losing our cool and let’s him know that this is not the way to deal with anger. We also model how he could have expressed his anger in that situation…which he finds funny. Hope this helps someone too. I’m so glad to hear I’m not alone! Thank you.
LOOVE this thank you! it is soo hard at times and you’re right you do feel alone cause you cant talk about it with others. It makes you a bad parent. Most always the first response or question by anyone or everyone at that matter is, “What are you doing wrong? are you mean to them what going on at home he must not be getting the attention he needs” But he get all my attention trying to help control the issue. I personally cant help but feel Im a Bad parent because of my Childs big emotions not knowing when or what will trigger it. I love him and he is an amazing bright smart funny loving and boisterous boy with very big emotions. And thank you for letting me know im not alone or a bad parent.
My son has autism and he is an angry child. He is 8 now and despite years of therapy and services, he is just a bigger angry person. It has turned to him threatening to kill himself and others if he doesn’t get his way (he is not spoiled and acting out like that that has never ever ever got him what he wanted). It is to the point people have threatened to call child services to have him removed from the house if we don’t find a place for him because he is a danger to the other children in the house. He threatens viol ces against everyone. We don’t know what to do. We do everything, but it’s never enough.
I am so sorry to hear this. If he is on psychotropic medicine please consider the side effects can be increased or new violent behavior. It is very real. I hope you get the immediate support you need. Much love to you…
Doug. Please read for Sam and Sophie. Ma
I just wanted to chime in as a young mother who was an angry child and now raising an angry child. I had never thought of him with that adjective but it certainly fits. My family, though surprised at my intensity, were always very loving. Although we have had our rough times, we are incredibly close. I’m glad none of my siblings resent me, though I know it affected them greatly. That’s kind of the thing about families, we can’t help but have an effect on each other. I have been in therapy a lot, especially since my son was born, trying to discover the source of my anger. I don’t think there is one. I think some people, especially people with so much energy, drive, and deep feeling, are often consumed by their emotions. I remember what it felt like when I was younger (and sometimes now), it felt like I was drowning in a sea of emotion. I am also gifted and ADD, I don’t think those things are the source of my anger but have influenced how I deal with it (or not). For some reason I thought my son would be laid back like his dad. Lol! He was such an angry newborn, he screamed a lot. Sleep times have always been an issue, especially nap time. The older he has gotten, the happier he has gotten. He loves to be capable and realize his ideas. When he can’t make something happen or is not allowed to do something, he can’t handle it. That’s when the head banging starts. Some books have really helped me to understand him more but also to understand myself better as we are so similar. Parenting the Fussy Baby and High Needs Child is one. Many of the posts here describe a child who emotional and physically needs more than other children and than there parents can give. I definitely identified with this. I can’t give a justification or an explanation. I do need more than other people. I think the term “black hole of the family” is pretty accurate. The High Needs Child helped to normalize this for me and let me know that it is just one way to be. I also likes that it describes the High-Needs Child without judgement. That book also draws a link between high needs children and creativity that many of you have noticed. The book that has had an immeasurable impact for me is The Child Whisperer. The author describes 4 different energy types for children. Type 1s are “the fun-loving child” and relate to the world socially. Type 2s are the “sensitive” child and relate to the world emotionally. Type 4s are “the more serious” child and relate to the world intellectually. But the most relevant to this discussion is Type 3, the “determined child.” This child related to the world physically. All of their energy is outward and forward. I alternated laughing and crying while reading about the Type 3 child, it was so accurate for both my son and myself. The head-banging was in there, and so were all the big ideas and the overwhelming frustration at having this immense energy blocked. I highly recommend this book to anyone on this page. No book has all the answers to life or parenting, and like you said in your article, there are no missing pieces. This book does not claim to fix your child, because they are not broken. It just helps to understand and relate to them better. One of the most helpful things in the book was the idea that energy types, unlike personality, are innate. We really are born with them and they combine with our experiences to form our personality. I hope this helps someone.
What a great sharing. Thank so much. We always try to be very loving with our angry boy. As you say we have found very good tips in different books. But as he grows, new challenges arrive and we need not also to reinforce our learning but also to look for new strategies. That book “the child whisperer” looks very accurate for us now. Specially because his teacher suspects of a learning disability on him, but she gets confused because even when he gets easily distracted or bored, he is able to learn what he has to learn. We have other members in our family like him (my father in law, and my sister. Yes, both sides of our family) that is why I know that is not strong discipline what they need; with strong discipline they may be able to accomplish goals to be able to support their life ($), but they won’t have the inner peace, the self-loving to keep good relationships with family and people. Thank you so much Kate for sharing!!!
And now, I just laugh when other people look at him as an spoiled child, with those comments like “is he your only child?” and when I say “not, he is not the only one” they say “oh, is because he is the youngest” or “typical, mothers spoil more the boys than girls”, ha ha. They also say “you have to be very strict, if not he would be a bad guy in the future and you won’t have control of him, now is the time to prevent”. Well, I’m scared on many things but my main issue is that I want him to have a happy live when adult.
I have a very intense child as well, and this post and the resultant comments brought me back to my own dark times. He is my first born of three sons and he seemed calm and mellow at birth but on day two, he was brought to me screaming and flailing like a banshee. The cause: his circumcision! He was in terrible pain and then it became infected and the susequent antibiotics caused a long-running battle with yeast… He was miserable and made everyone in the surrounding 10 miles miserable, too.
I was a follower of attachment parenting before it had a name, and we tougher it out ( though I lay awake at night sure I was raising a sociopath or something), and when our second and third sons were born, we did not circumcise and they did not have those intense responses.
My eldest is 33 years old now and is still intense. As he was from almost the start, he is either VERY happy or VERY sad, or VERY mad… There is no moderation for this guy. But he is the most loving of fathers and husbands and puts his all into every task.
Have faith that, though you’ll probably always have an intense child, who requires more than you think you can possibly give and 10 times more than your other kids combined, the rewards you’ll reap will also be that much sweeter.
As my LaLeche League leader told me so many years ago… Children need love when they deserve it the least. Get as much rest As you can and love the stuffing out of him or her!
Thank you for this piece. You have summed up my life quite simply. We live with an angry child. Due to abuse, neglect, and a broken foster care system, our adopted daughter suffered more turmoil in her infancy and toddlerhood than any child should suffer. Despite her early life ,she is bright, beautiful, and in many ways broken. We are on the road to recovery, but it is not easy. Few understand our life because most children are not like our beautiful little girl. Thank you for reminding me that I am not in the rocky boat alone.
Dear everybody commenting here. I resonate with the angry adult child theme. Does anyone know of support groups in the San Francisco Bay Area for this? I would love to be in one.
My daughter who was extremely difficult and angry is now 24. She lives with my ex husband.
I don’t know how waded thru 11 years of screaming for hours at a time. I tried everything…. even..God forgive me…the Ezzo’s Growing Kids God’s Way….but none of that or homeopathy or Warmline help did anything to help. I had to just accept her blow outs and ups. She is an incredibly talented person who has a huge creative bend.
As t
As she grew older I did everything in my power to give her the tools she needed in life and would need as an adult.
I feel safe in saying now that she is an incredibly head strong vegan in spite of her looking far too skinny to me…she will do whatever it is she has on her mind. I accept her as she is. I accept our relationship as it is and I mourn the loss of what I had hoped for. Acceptance is the only way to move forward.
Elisabeth – could have written that myself. Thanks for making me feel less lonely this morning. Yes, mourning the loss of what I had hoped for. Exactly. Acceptance IS the only way and I’m trying to get there.
Heidi, give yourself time…. as gracious as you are to your chikdw and others… be that to yourself as well.
Wow. Reading all these comments makes me feel like I’m not so alone! I have an explosive 8 year old boy who tries my patience every day. Life is really difficult with him and I wake up every morning worrying about how the day is going to go and I go to sleep every night worrying how the next day is going to go. I had him when I was 21 and I’d never even babysat in my life and now I have this explosive child who I really just flat out do not understand….Now I have two more children and he likes the baby but he hates his 4 year old sister. The only time he’s ever nice to her is when he thinks he’s going to get something for it, when he realizes he’s not, he flips a switch and throws her to the wolves. It’s sad 🙁 He’s never taken well to being a big brother.
Thank you for writing this! I can relate to this in so many ways. I keep hoping to find the “miracle” cure to my daughter’s angry behavior. It is what it is and i am a little closet to making peace with it.
Thank for this article! Our oldest (now 10) has been difficult since very young. This year he was diagnosed with Celiac Disease. The severity of the disease caused us to go 100% gluten free or risk serious autoimmune diseases that are caused by untreated Celiac. I just have to say, please please have your child tested for this disease (must get blood test BEFORE you go gluten free or will not work)!!!!! You do not need to have GI issues to have celiac!!!! It is has changed his and our entire family’s lives. We still have some defiance and anger issues but we are almost always able to trace it to accidental ingestion of gluten (which takes 3-4 days to clear his system). We believe he had celiac induced ADD, ODD, anemia, depression, and difficulty sleeping before going gluten free and now almost all have resolved. He is having to re-learn some appropriate behaviors as some things just became a habit from being sick so long. This disease is severely underdiagnosed. So many days I hated being a parent because of the behavioral issues. There is hope!!!!
Sometimes there is an imbalance in the spine and chiropractic care can help. Sometimes it’s caused by trauma. It’s worth a conversation to see if chiro care is for you or not. I recommend it, have tried it and although I don’t go to chiro now, I think it’s excellent for kids if they have something like this, or if they get headaches. Chiros are different and I am not here to sell them on anything. Just have the chat, you will be amazed or you will know it’s not for you and knowledge is power!
Good luck either way!
I feel so alone sometimes with my 5 year old son. He did the headbanging when he was a toddler. My husband and I are at a loss sometimes with him. He can be the sweetest little boy sometimes and other times he is the angriest. It is hard and frustrating. It is nice to find we are not alone.
Our angry child is now 27. We also have two sons, one older, and one younger who saw their share of this explosive child. In fact, we were helped by a book written years ago, called “The Explosive Child”. My husband and I endured years of verbal and sometimes physical abuse that took many years and many doctors to get a handle on. Our boys still suffer the affects. Now 31 and 24, and both married, they barely acknowledge her in any situation, and mostly just ignore her and have moved on with their lives.
Our relationship with her still is, and always will be, strained. We love her, have reached out many times to help her in her often self-caused problems, only to be often mistreated again. We’ve always felt we had to walk on eggshells around her. Not what we envisioned as our only little girl, that’s for sure.
She was eventually diagnosed with schizotypal personality disorder, though she no long takes any medications because she is on her own, and as is common, doesn’t think she needs anything. All of her problems are someone else’s doing… naturally.
She was very briefly married, but only after becoming pregnant. Our legal adoption of our now 4 1/2 year old grandson, whom we love with every fiber of our being, was finalized by the time he was 11 months old, and he has lived with us all but 4 weeks of his live, with only 4 months of that time with our daughter living here as well, pretending to be ‘mom’… when is wasn’t inconvenient. (She has since had her tubes tied, thank God!)
All this to say, with an angry child, please seek professional help. You never know what else is going on! Don’t simply assume that this is natural, or just the way they are, and there is nothing you can do to make it better. At least get it checked out by professionals.
Thank you so much for sharing your story Jennie.
For the science-loving moms who think the answer may lie in their child’s intelligence here is a great article for you: BRAINS ON FIRE:
The Multimodality of Gifted Thinkers and Implications for Teaching
By Brock Eide M.D. M.A. and Fernette Eide M.D.
https://www.neurolearning.com/brainsfire.htm
Thank you Kathleen!
Thank you,thank you,thank you!!!!!
“The angry child” by T. Murphy
This book gave me so much support, I was so exhausted and scared. I recommend it. And definitely LOVE has been my best weapon. Patience, Feedback and Discipline too, but above all, Love.
Thank you. I appreciate this article and your openness to discuss struggles that I can totally relate to.
Hey,
From Greece! I am an early intervention occupational therapist and a mom of two toddlers. Reading about migraines at such an early age gave me Just an idea that you probably know of (I only found out recently about it). Do you know Irlen syndrome? A long shot, but may be worth looking it up.
Thank you for that very real story. It is good to know we are not alone. And its good to hear that we all start in that raw place of reacting and then begging to develop the resiliance and patient we need. That we discover what we must become in order to love the children we have been blessed with. But it is still good to see the metamorphosis because no one wants to say what the beginning looks like. It is easier to either avoid the paradigm shift or to act like we never had one.
Through my tears I just want to say Thank You.
You’re welcome. You’re not alone. And hugs.
Wow….I have a 4 1/2 year old who is angry. He throws fits, rips books, screams, cries and no matter what we do he doesn’t calm down until we totally ignore him. We’ve been told play therapy might help so we are in the midst of planning those. I’m going to follow this blog. Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts. It’s hard to find someone who will admit they have an angry child and don’t know what to do. My son responds to hugs very well and I lose patience very easy. I think starting tomorrow I will try this hugging it out.
Hello All, just came across this article… thought some here would like it: https://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/your_childs_emotions/when_children_become_angry/uncovering_the_pain_behind_your_childs_anger.aspx
🙂
OMG I really thought I was the only one, I thought it was me that was the problem. I read books we take herbal calming tablets and nothing. If I ask her to do anything its a fight it’s yelling, its talking back, stomping, it’s a struggle I thought I was fighting alone. So Thank You, I wish there was something to help them. I have a certificate in human development and yet it didn’t prepare me for this. She’s 10 and I am dreading the teen years.
Hello everyone here.
Having discussed this with my son i can now tell you that he is a ‘high functioning Asperger-common term ‘Aspie’.
Despite everything he is MSc.,BSc.,.he lives with me and is pushing 50.
It took a few years and some nagging the doctor to get a proper diagnosis
which was after we moved here from Kent a few years ago.
He is also the WebMaster for Parent Support Plus.
There are meetings for parents in this area-Lowestoft and if you are on facebook you’ll see his reminders about these.
Being older than most of you- I have years of experience of all this
and as well as Playroups & taught youngster piano.
A propos the Playgroups: I did a proper course in this and being told to spend 6 months studying a ‘normal’ 3 year old
I started by studying my sons-then 7 ^& 9
I still have these and was amazingly right most of the time.
Feel free to ask me anything and if i can help, I will.
Someone once said that being a Parent is the one job you aren’t trained for.
I have been ‘well trained’ over the years-ther re no prospects of grandchildren so I may be of use with other peoples’.
Doris.
Doris, thank you so much for offering your wisdom and support!
Hi Heather! I have a 10 yr old too. She seems to be doing better lately. For one, when we are around little ones when she sweats the small stuff she is really noticing how they sound when they’re upset. As a new middle schooler she does NOT want to sound like that. ; ) Every child is different but I find with her, being so (otherwise) aware of “issues” around her… a deep sense of right and wrong since she was little, it really helps her to be plugged in well to positive group activities & people. I am also making sure I am going out of my way daily now to give hugs & say sweet little comments (more). Always my independent girl she was not a cuddly type (yet as a somewhat extroverted type she always liked to be in close proximity and still loves our reading/art/talk time at night). She even was thrilled when I first put her in her crib post-bassinet mext to me! sprawled right out, sleeping better. 🙂 My son can be very cuddly however and so I’ve got to be sure *I* regularly go to her, lest she be jealous.
All that to say that maybe the teen years will be better! 🙂
Please keep my reaol name and email address confidential.
Use the name ‘Winifred’.’I don’t wish this to be on facebook.
I shall look back and read any comments
I don’t wish to receive emails:
my son is my freee computer consultant!
Advice:
go to the Parents Plus website.
Click on ‘autism’,
then look for the leaflet entitled ‘Meltdown and how to handle it’
It can be printed out.
I only discovered what it was a few months ago.
I used to refer to it as the Jekyll & Hyde Syndrome.
I always thought of the words from my young days-‘highly strung’ and ‘ tantrums.’
It was a real revelation when I read the leaflet.
I finally understood how a perfectly simple remark could provoke a verbal attack from nothing:totally out of the blue.
That took some absorbing.
It happens very rarely now.
It can leave me shaking if I’m having a not so good day.
Next, go to Amazon and buy the DVD ‘After Thomas’.
That tells of the difference a dog made to the withdrawn autistic lad:in my house it is the cats.
Veery soothing.
I wish you well.
I have been a Playgroup Supervisor some years ago:
We had he occasional dificult child but then no one knew about autism, A.S. Just took a lot of patient discussion with the child, talking them from tears to calm, walking roundthe little garden holding them .
Very calming.
You’d be amazed how adult some of the intellient ones can be.
Thank you. I am not quite so distraught by my son’s anger as I am by everyone else’s feelings about my son’s anger. I have been made to feel, not only that something is wrong with him, but something is wrong with my parenting….and me! Then I start to believe they are right. Thank you so much for the encouragement and the realization that we are all different. I am an extremely emotional person at times and it just makes sense that one of my 3 boys would be too! Maybe if someone had the understanding that I was different when I was his age, I would not have such feelings of inadequacy as I do today. Maybe not, but I am sure not going to allow myself to put those feelings onto my son. I am going to do my best to teach him how to deal with his anger while making sure he knows it is not because he is broken or something is wrong with him. And I am going to love him more each second than I did the previous. Thank you so much. (these are tears of joy, not sorrow!)
Can I suggest a book called “Strong-Willed Child or Dreamer?” by Dr Dana Scott Spears and Dr Ron L Braund? This book can be very helpful for those of us who have children who are very up and down with their emotions. Some of our children do have other underlying conditions that do need to be identified and treated, but others do not fit into that category and just seem to get angry and moody for no apparent reason.
My 2nd son has been exactly like that, and as all of you have described, it is excessively draining. The characteristics described in this book have fitted my son so well and the different approach to parenting this type of child has been a life-saver – the extremes of moods have definitely reduced now that I understand better what is going on in his mind.
Having read many of the other posts where people have described creative, artistic, imaginative, sensitive children, then this book is definitely for you! Kathleen’s post about the hugs is so right for these kinds of kids.
Thank you for your honesty. Your story could have been word for word about my son who is five. He truly is like sunshine when life is good and you know all about when life is dark with their anger. Your story gave me the encouragement to know that I’m not alone & it’s not my fault.
Thank you.
Thank you for your blog! I truly need the encouragement you have to give. Some days I feel like everything I’m doing is wrong. I’ve exhausted all my “teacher tricks” and get nowhere. My 6 year old goes through those same swings of rage and beauty. I appreciate you sharing your story.
Hi I have come across Essential Oils in the last month and I am starting to research them and I have had some friends of mine use them with great success on their adopted children especially. I am really thinking about getting into them. Hope this helps I will post as I use them and report back to you all.
Thanks for the idea Melinda. We’ve used lavender from time to time and I’ve heard tangerine can be great for children, but over all I don’t know much about essential oils and children. It seems worth looking into given that many times children who are sensitive emotionally are also very sensory sensitive.
Thank you so much for writing this, it makes me feel not so alone.
It is especially hard for me to deal with my angry child when the people who are suppose to support me believe that it is my parenting that has caused my son to behave in this way. I have rationalized that if this was my fault that my other son would have the same temperament, but that does not always alleviate the guilt.
I am the primary caregiver 95% of the time, because of my spouse’s work schedule, and I can hardly explain the exhaustion and increase in my anger and resentment because of this. Self care is not an easy task as a parent and most definitely not when you have a special needs child.
I had a mom in my support group say that when she and her kids are having a bad day she stops and reminds herself and her boys that they are a team and need to work as a team. When I think of this I am reminded that when I was on a sports team that the whole team worked to even out the weakness of the individual players.
My angry son is also my most creative child and is able to better identify with his brothers outburst than I, in a way he shows me how I need to parent him by helping with his brother.
Thanks again for your post.
I can so relate to your post, Khirsten. It is exhausting when you provide that level of nurturing and giving. My husband’s career takes a lot of time and huge commitment. So even though he tries his very best and I love him for that, even when he is with us he can be easily distracted with work. Also, my daughter with the temper flares is very creative and drawn to the arts. She, too, has always been very helpful with her younger sib’s occasional outburst or stubborness. Very wise from a very young age in that way. I think her sensitivity, intelligence, and perhaps idealist temperament (like me – see David Keirsey) manifests in this positive way.
My daugter is 11 so we have been dealing with this for awhile. We adopted her when she was 8 and she was in foster care in our home since age 5. The tamtrums we thouht that they were getting better, she does really well at school (which i am very thinkful for) cause in the past was not that way anyway….it has been getting more aggresive since she has been gotten older to us at home. She gets angry when she has to do things around the house like CHORES i have tried keeping my calm sometimes it works sometimes it doesnt. She has ADHD ODD so we have lot to deal with saying all this to say that I am glad someone else out there really knows how I am feeling and I am willing to try anything to get past this cause I do LOVE my daughter.
Hi Eugenia, I am sorry for what you have been going through and for how she must be feeling. You might want to look into attachment disorders some adoptees have. I know a family who has struggled so much with it and for them, it required a lot of out of the box footwork and a letting go of many expectations for their family life in order to adapt to a new way.
Best to you…
I have a little boy who is 4 and through his short life the tantrums have gotten
Worse so we have set up an appointment with a physiatrist. I was just wondering
How you found out your little one had both of these what type of signs did your little
One have?
Thank you, your words have just st brought me to tears. I am currently struggling with a very angry dramatic two year old and I often wonder if I can do this, or if I have done something wrong to make him his way. While not an angry baby he was never overly affectionate. He had no need to be constantly held and often didn’t want to be held. As he has grown he has blossomed and shown himself to be incredible bright, which I fear is where some of the angers comes from. He gets frustrated when his peers don’t understand him and even more frustrated when adults keep him from doing things he is sure he is capeable of. I just wanted to end by saying thank you, I spend a good part of my days angry and frustrated at my inability to make my child happy and feeling like a failure as a mother. I gain comfort from knowing I am not alone.
Same here, angry 4 1/2 year-old boy. Solution: HUGS to calm him down.
We havent figured out how to always prevent the crisis, but only how to stop it: by not getting into a discussion/lecture/time-out or whatever. We see each tantrum as a cry for love and affection, get down on our knees and open our arms. Sometimes he rushes straight into our hug and sobs in remorse for a few secs, then completely relaxes. Sometimes he claims he doesnt want to come anywhere near me, but I remain in my open arms position and say “I’ll be waiting for you to come, come when you’re ready” – a minute later he’s here. Some other times he will scream that he will never come close to me, I leave and go about my business after I state that “as soon as you feel ready, come give me a good hug”. Sooner or later, he always comes.
When relaxed, we can talk about the problem.
so HUG away! 🙂
This is fantastic. Thank you so much for writing about your hug strategy!
I use the same technique. I find myself walking on eggshells around my daughter. Never can tell when she will go from being sunny and happy, to hitting and biting and throwing things. I use time out very sparingly… usually, I take my four yr old to her bedroom (to contain the tantrum to one room) and wait with her while she vents her frustration, or cries, and when she’s ready, I ask her if she wants a hug yet, and she always wants one. (although, sometimes, I get a few defiant “no’s” first..) It’s become a routine way to end tantrums. Then, we can calmly talk about what was bothering her, or why she got in trouble…whatever the case may be. So, I definitely second that! It builds a much stronger relationship between us as well, she knows she can come to me when she is having a hard time with something
Thank you for writing this!! Some days I feel so isolated and alone with my angry child. It is easy to become depressed. I have six kids, and my first 4 have their own set of issues, but on a whole, they are very easy children… and then came my 5th. I have been told that I’m not disciplining him right, or that he is just 3 and its normal phase he will grow out of, or that perhaps he must have some type of disorder to be so defiant and angry…
Truth is…this is just who he is. He has a much more aggressive personality then any of his siblings combined.. and I have been told that he is just like his father when he was little. My job isn’t to stop out his aggression, or bend his will to mine, but to teach him how to cope with his aggression in an appropriate manner.. and that is hard at 3.
But your blog was a breath of fresh air after a day of non stop power struggles and sibling rivalry mediation. Thank you.
THANK YOU, thank you, thank you!!!
Wow! I SO needed to read this tonight. My 8year old daughter had an outburst this afternoon (not an unusual occurance) that resulted in a hole in the wall. This was exactly the encouragement I needed to hear to love her for who she is.
Simply, thank you.
I feel for you all! I am raising/adopting my 9 year old grandson (I’ll call him Lil T) who is/was an angry child. He had terrible night terrors as an infant, as a toddler he would bang his head on the ground, yelling and screaming, then attack me. At 7, even though he was a very small boy, he would become very strong, think of a person on PCP! I literally would have to physically restrain him to keep him from hurting me or myself! He never attracked his brother or my husband, but my husband could not help because he was afraid he would hurt our little boy. We needed outside help. Believe it or not, I called to police! To make a long story short, Lill T had been exposed to high levels of lead as an infant which is the cause of his anger issues, he now takes a medication for ADHD, And he is the most loving child at 9 that you would ever want! Yes, he still gets angry, but doesn’t every child? My husband and I were completely against medicating him at first, and the first medication actually made him worse and the prescribing psychiatrist told us to “give it a little time”…no way! So we found another place. What I am saying is, if you don’t agree with the treatment your child is getting, go somewhere else until you find the help your child needs! Help is out there! You and your child do not have to keep going through that!
That was a lovely post. Glad you decided to write it up and put it out there. I feel you: I have a dear tween daughter who has been the same since birth. For her, it has not seemed like a sensory integration issue. I’ve gone over her history and characteristics more times than I could possibly now recall. I think it is giftedness and anxiety. Did the anxiety come from the high speed growth of her intellect? Or something else – perhaps something she was exposed to that disrupts the nervous system…? We will never know. All I can say is what helps her most is finding a balance between enough challenge she enjoys, staying physically active, and enough time to relax and play, sometimes by herself. Plenty of time to talk, especially over a relaxed one on one dinner out… a walk… bedtime… Mature, good-natured friends. She also finally learned that walking away is better when starting to feel really upset. She’s experienced a lot of change recently and it’s disrupted her newer coping skills, but eventually she’ll feel the equilibrium again. I hope this helps someone to which this may apply.
This was so relieving to read. Knowing there are others who experience what I am. My sim is almost 3 and has speech delay. We are working on getting him involved with a occupational therapist for some OCD and sensory issues he has but what worrie be the most is his tendency to throw things and hit me and my daughter or bang his head on the ground. Wen he gets mad it’s like a cycle I can’t break. He hits me, he gets in trouble then throws something because he is angry, them tries to hit again. I’ve had skin torn off from him pinching so hard, bruises, and cuts because of him either hitting or throwing something at me. What bothers me the most is how he does the same to my 5 yr old daughter she most of the time does nothing to upset him and we will hit her. She has gotten to a point where she is scared of him and says she hates him. I feel like I spend majority of my day upset with him and sometimes have feelings of dislike, which as moms know makes you feel like a terrible mother. I just don’t know what to do. His speech delay and age makes it difficult to explain anything to him or even attempt to calm him down. I’m going to see a chid psychologist in a few weeks and hope to figure out what we can do. Maybe get some advice on how to handle these situations better. I’ve just gotten to a point where my patience is gone and now it just makes me mad and depressed. Anyways, I really needed to read this. And of course I love my baby. He can be the cutest most adorable little boy. Hope to one day see that side of him more than his “bad mood Peyton” side.
Thank you for honesty. It’s so hard to be a parent of an angry child and feel so alone so thank you for helping me feel like I’m not the only mother out there dealing with everyday battle! My 6 year old is very angry and oppositional. Sometimes it’s hard to have a normal conversation with him even, because he just wants to say no, or disagree with whatever you say just to be oppositional. A few things that seem to be helping us: a parenting program called The Nurtured Heart Approach based off a book called Transforming The Difficult Child by Howard Glasser. There’s also a workbook that goes along with it that I like. Also we have started our child on an ADHD medication (non-stimulant) called Intuniv. It’s really helped reduce the tantrums, he still has them from time to time but its not an every. Single. Day. And we can’t leave the house kind of bad anymore.
This was so beautiful and heartfelt, you sound like an amazing mum and although I don’t have an especially angry child he has his moments. I want to thank you for your honesty, your thoughts are an inspiration. We all have moments that push us and it doesn’t come naturally to recognise them as moments to grow. I want to give all you parents a hug and say that you’re amazing. Thank you for this post, it really is inspirational.
My 7 year old is an angry child. It is very hard to love her. She has been like this since birth. The rest of our family tip toes around her on eggshells. My husband & I are both on anti depressants as a result. I am counting the days, hours, minutes until she is an adult. Each day is a struggle. Each day. It doesn’t matter what we do or how patient, loving etc we are. She is angry. I hate it.
Christy…have you ever tried a diet change? My daughter was the same as yours. We took her into a specialist and they strongly advised a gluten & dairy free diet and low sugars. Oh my how that helped. Believe me it’s not easy (cut I have 4 other kids). But oh how I enjoy her now!!!
Hi Christy,
My adult son was an angry child and is now an angry adult. He was like that for as long as I can remember. I have been in therapy to help me deal with this angry person. I found my son a struggle. I also hate it……..
My daughter will be 7 soon and I can’t even tell you how long I have struggled with her additude and just getting so mad at the smallest thing and just seeming so mean spirited but then she can be so sweet and helpful. I am so glad that I now feel like I am actually not alone in this struggle. Best of luck to anyone with the same troubles!
I have a set of twins and they were 10 weeks early. She wasn’t born mad but as she has gotten older starting at 1 1/2 years old she did. When she was 2 1/2 years old she would throw 2 1/2 hour temper tratums and I had major battle scars from it. When she was 3 or 3 1/2 years I found an herb called Rescue Remedy for kids and it was life changing for her as well us. I gave her 1 dropper full once a day for the last 2 years and all anger and temper tratums have stopped. Then a month ago we moved and she is having little temper tratums but nothing compared to before. Last week I began to see that she is realizing that we are not going anywhere and she is seeing her stuff being unpacked so she is settling down. I hope this helps someone out there going through this.
Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I’m a really verbose person, but I am at a loss of words to write to you after reading your beautiful words here.
So, just, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Beyond Gold Stars: Resources for Homeschool Teachers and Parents of Kids with HFA/AS
Thank you thank you… I somehow thru some link came across your blog thru a pic stop the yelling – I thought this is something I really would like to read 🙂 – then I came across this article – I feel the way it was written was as if you were writing for me and my son…. My son is 5 – he has Sensory Processing Disorder amongst other learning delays – this is how it is for us… It is nice that you have written about those troubled moments because it helps others like you and your son – know how to ride the storm – so thank you again…
My son is an angry 4 1/2 also, he flips it on like a light switch & then I wait for the filament to burn out (so to say). He gets the night terrors too & really showed it to the world this month after coming to from a Hernia operation, he screamed so much they let us leave sooner than normal so he wouldn’t upset the other children any longer!
Diet doesn’t seem to affect him, apart from of course too much sugar & tiredness makes a huge difference. The arrival of our daughter just before Christmas has certainly not made things any better, however I’m thankful to say that he has never directed any anger at or toward her (I hate to make it sound like I use an infant as a human shield, but he doesn’t seem to physically lash out when I’m holding her).
We gave the neighbours something to talk about this week, when the Police arrived to help “calm” the situation – thank you to my local boys in blue!
It’s refreshing to find other mothers in the same boat as me & not scared to voice it… hats off to you, we truly have the hardest jobs in the world
My son is 4 1/2 and I truly believe he was just born angry. From day one it was intense crying and screaming. We had him diagnosed with severe food allergies from 6 months (which explained the nonstop screaming), the allergies lead to severe ear infections, the ear infections lead to receptive, comprehensive, and expressive speech disorders. I can understand why he is angry, not being able to expressive himself through language makes for an extremely unhappy child. So now we have moved on to OT therapy for sensory processing disorder. I sometimes feel like a crazy person loosing a battle (especially when so few people understand) but there is only sooo much face clawing, head bashing, screaming, and EXTREME unreasonable fears that that I can take. So, in short, thanks for the hope. Tomorrow is another day 🙂
I have a solution for the language issue!
My son had a major stroke at two, knocked out the language center of his brain. He has good receptive language but can’t use expressive verbal language. We use sign language for expressive! You would not believe how much of his anger that has calmed down (still gets mad but WAY less).
If you have netflix I suggest starting with the show “signing time” Once he has language and the concepts in his brain it will be easier for you to work on verbal language as well 🙂 (I also have a deaf ed minor btw)
thank you. i needed this. i will try again tomorrow 🙂
Wow. This could have been written by me. I have a son who seems to live in a perpetual cycle of anger, calm, anger… the anger overtakes him so much of the time and the rest of the family is just left staring at him in awe. He was a colicky baby, he would scream for what seamed like days with little sleep. He had terrible tummy trouble and it took forever for that to go away (never got a dx, but seems that he outgrew the daily diarrhea on his own). He went through almost 2 years of banging his head off of the floor for any reason. If he was told no, bang. If he got hurt or fell down, bang. If he wasn’t understood, bang. If he couldn’t understand, bang. Always, bang. Now, he has stopped the head banging, he is approaching his 5th birthday. I pray daily that he will outgrow the anger. We adopted him when he was only a couple of days old and sometimes deep inside I feel that maybe he feels deserted. But, we’ve CHOSEN him. Out of all of our children, he is our CHOSEN child. That’s the legacy I want to leave with him. In between the anger is a sweet young boy. He has a heart that is loving and sincere. He loves other children and animals and his family. It’s just that the anger overtakes him. When he is in a rage, I can hear his inner voice trying to get out of it. Trying to break free. So, we continue on. And always will.
Hello Alissa,
Your post brought back memories from our past.Our 4th and 5th children had night terrors and difficulty with anger.They both were diagnosed later with bipolar. Our 4th child took his life 3 yrs. Ago at the age of 18yrs. Old. Our youngest son who will be 15yrs next month has been stable on meds. For the last year and a half.
Bipolar is a disease that is chemical in nature not behavioral.If you would like to take a look at our website (www.notadaypromised.com) that gives information about childhood bipolar to see if any of your son’s symptoms sound familiar.And of course you can contact me with any questions. Blessings julie
Wow! Thank you for being so brave and speaking up for those of us who have had similar strugglez. I love what you said, “This is the whole of who we are now and it holds the wonderful potential for who we can become”. I am going to put that on my wall as a reminder. 🙂 May there be Shalom in your heart and home. Blessings…
Thanks Jessica. It is reassuring to hear from so many other parents about this.
Every day I must remind myself that I am only human. I am only one person. Raising her is totally a love/hate relationship with myself. One day, hour, minute, second at a time. I so needed to read you essay. It is a comfort.
Thank you so much for this post! My son in almost 5 and can be a living terror at times. He really is the sweetest little boy, but when he gets mad…look out! I’ve tried time ins, time outs, taking things away, even spankings, but nothing seems to get through to him. Today, I just put him in his room, shut the door, and walked away. I just couldn’t handle the tantrums and screams. Then, just like you said, he will go a while without losing his temper. He will stay in control (as much as a preschooler can). The roller coaster is exhausting and overwhelming. But I am learning how to better control myself when I am with him. I’m learning to breathe and stay calm through it all. Some days are easier than others. It’s nice hearing that I’m not alone and that my son isn’t alone either! Thank you!
I think when we have these kids we get enrolled not into Parenting 101, but Parenting 505. If we keep being curious about who they are and keep learning, it’s not easy, but we can grow together with them and become better human beings because of it. Hugs to you.
Thank you SO much for sharing on this subject. I can seriously relate as I frequently struggle with following my emotion or following my knowledge about how to communicate to my now 5 year old son; with unpredictable anger and lack of self-confidence outbursts. You post brought me to tears and opened me up to a new perspective about him and my relationship with him.
God bless you, and your family!
Best wishes to you Daysha. May you continue to find news ways to see your relationship that help you enjoy the deep love you have for your son.
i feel like I need to write a note to you and all parents struggling with an angry child, because I was that child. As an adult I now know that it was a form of anxiety – I got uncontrollably angry when I was afraid, when I wasn’t in control, when life seemed unfair. And my mother struggled with our relationship (although she hid that from me until I was old enough to understand) because she always felt that she should be able to help, to do something to make the rage go away. My mother and I have a great relationship though – yes it was stormy through my childhood and oh my goodness even more so through my teens, but that intensity has given way to a closeness that only comes from knowing your parents love you without condition, saw the flaws and difficulties and accepted them. As an adult it’s very rare i get cross and i think that might be because i was allowed to rage when i was too young to understand why i did it. She once said to me that I was a difficult child to love, which sounds awful as I write it but what she mean’t was I pushed her away in anger so often that it was painful for her even as she loved me. I now have a son who rages, and i’m so grateful for my mothers calmness when he brings me to tears. She knows what all the ‘helpfull’ people out there don’t, that sometimes you have to let the rage go. If you weather the storm it will stop and I hope the relationship you end up with, and that my son and I have, is half as good as the one my mother and her angry child have. Xxx
I’m so glad you commented. I’ve started to wonder if some of my daughter’s explosions are related to anxiety. I’ve struggled with anxiety most of my life. And my daughter has a speech disorder and I suspect that just exasperates it all. My gut says there’s something more but all my searching for answers has left me empty handed.
I am literally in tears!! I seriously thought I was the only mom who dealt with this kind of behavior!! My son is 6 years old now and his entire life has been so angry. We’ve done all sorts of therapy, we’ve done medication. Nothing has really helped. I’ve always felt so alone dealing with this, no one understands, or so I thought!! I could of wrote this exact same article!!! Thank you!! Thank you for being so honest!!
Thank you. My son is so hard sometimes. This morning he scratched my face as hard as he could. Then later threw a vent cover at me. I try so hard to be patient and calm and explain things, but it’s so so hard when he does things to physically hurt me! And he’s only three. 🙁 I am so afraid of the future with him. Thank you for your thoughts and understanding.
Thank you for sharing. I have been feeling so alone, thinking what or where i went wrong. what i could have done differently. My 7 yr old son has always been a little explosive but this last year it seems to have gotten worse. i’ve been praying so something to open my eyes. your blog did just that! Thank you!
Wow. That was sad, touching, hopeful all at the same time. I am raising my grandson who is an angry teenager. Sometimes it feels like we live in a war zone, but when times are good he is a treasure and a wonderful boy. I have taken care of him since he was a baby and we have been through the screaming stores, ruined play dates, teachers conferences; all of it. One thing I know, I will never give up on this kid and I will never give up hope that he will have a good and productive life. When I see the screaming child in the grocery store my heart goes out to his mom and to him. I wish people could understand the frustration these children live with every day, for they do not want the anger any more than we do. God bless you and keep on being the awsome mom that you are.
Hi Alissa,
i realize this is an older post but i still hope this response reaches you. Thanks for sharing, i can’t relate to your situation but i do find it so very important to share our experiences as mums amongst each other, after all it needs a village to raise a child and in our time we are way too often totally alone.
I just wanted to say that with my almost two year old i am experiencing strong relations between diet and behaviour. I know people have stated this before here but sugar plays a huge role in this. Since we stopped eating cane and beat sugar (and its hard because it is just in every thing) my little one is a totally different person. (we also stopped gluten and lactose but the biggest change came after cutting out sugar, since i am still nursing it means that i can’t eat those things as well:-()
Also Dr.Bach flower remedies are a non invasive and easy way to help your child and YOU to cope with difficult situation and his mood swings in general.
And last i read this amazing article about a mother who adopted a child who was born (unknown at this time) with fetal alcohol syndrom. His behaviour was uncontroleably violent until he got a dog. Of course i realize that this is a severe illness and far more drastic than what you are going through, but i just wanted to point out the benefits of animals. Here is her story, maybe it will help you:-)
https://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/05/magazine/wonder-dog.html?pagewanted=1&ref=magazine&_r=0
Lots of strength lizs
Amazing!! Thank you!! As I sit teary-eyes nodding while reading…this is my
life with our first-born son. It’s so exhausting on all levels but also awesomely rewarding.
Thank you for sharing!!
Thank you for sharing the dark as well as the light. I’ve also experienced the moment of epiphany you describe with my youngest son, who has autism. You brought tears to my eyes.
This was beautiful, Alissa. Thank you.
I don’t know what your spiritual beliefs are, but I wanted to share a theory that sometimes helps me breathe and relax and find meaning in these difficult situations. I have a very intense little guy (6 now) who has always been intense. He gets angry and explodes or sometimes his sensitivity makes him appear so fragile he just melts down and cries. He is sometimes wild, sometimes defiant, sometimes hilarious, sometimes as kind as a kid can get. I, too, have always wondered if there is a missing piece to the puzzle, but work on letting that go as much as possible. When he was 18 months old, my mother in law passed away at the age of 51. Even at that young age, my son was quite verbal, and he used to come out with the most amazing comments about having talked to his Grandma or having seen her… he also said things about reincarnation (which we’d never talked about with him) that would make anyone’s jaw drop. It struck me deeply, and I began to see him as an old soul, one that had a deep understanding of something I couldn’t quite touch. One day, I let myself imagine that whatever life preceded this one was extremely difficult for him, and he’d carried in some of that baggage with him this time. I imagined that he knew his dad & I would be able to help his soul heal. Perhaps we’ve walked together in another life before this one and he knew he could trust us. Or perhaps we walked together in another life and we have something between us to heal. Of course, we can’t know for sure. But by letting myself imagine these things, I allowed myself to be open to any and all possibilities, and allowed myself to see him as a spiritual being. As a little soul that craves healing and love, as we all do. And when I can see it like that, it is so much easier to take a deep breath and love him through his anger. Wouldn’t it be a beautiful world if we could all do that for each other more often? Thank you again for your post – by writing & sharing, you have loved many of us through what can so often be a messy, difficult road.
I so love this piece. Talking about the extreme behavior of our children is SO HARD, especially when at our core we believe that I am a good mom, they are a great kid, we’re not doing anything especially wrong, this is just the way it is and we are learning what that means and how toile the best of it.
I have five kids. My oldest was everything opposite if what I hoped my child would be, she showed me that this whole mothering thing is no cake walk. She baptized me by fire, compared to her everyone else was easy. But I get her. We are a lot alike. We have a lot if the same weaknesses. I see life from her point if view. Then there is my third, my “angry child” I guess. She is truly an enigma. That is the perfect word for how little I understand her. When she was little I called her my zero to sixty baby because one minute she’d be laughing and the next she’s be screaming so loud and shrill it literally made our ears hurt. Now she has developed more of her funny side. She is hilarious! When she’s in a good mood she is such a joy. The funniest person I’ve ever know . In a dark mood she’s still throwing her toys, screaming at her brother, scrawling on the walls.
It’s hard to speak up, to even know how to communicate about the difficulty of parenting. Thank you for this conversation – for this moment to stand together.
Hello!! I skipped the ‘normal’ next step to reading an article or visiting someone’s blog. Which is, to read feedback or comments left by others. I am still trying to catch my breath!!
You are an Amazing writer! Thank you so much for finding the courage and expression to share your emotional journey! Have you written any books? 🙂 Your voice is very moving!!
Most importantly thank you for your Honesty! I have checked out every book, researched online, ignored and/or tried desperately to take my family and friend’s advice. Journaled, given it all to God as I understand Him, and wept for hours, sometimes days when my daughter just can NOT find her calmness.
In reflection, the hardest part for me has been my Mother’s response to my stormy child. I respect her opinion and follow her advice in most every aspect of my life. However, I’m guarded with even her lately. I dare anyone to judge me or think they could do it differently! Oh, as many people have suggested! ‘give her to me for a week and you’ll get back a different kid!’ No thank you is my polite response. I vision them breaking her spirit and making matters SO much worse!! They care, I have to remind myself.
I’ve taken a few minutes to read the comments and want to thank everyone who replied with further insight and helpful tips. My deepest gratitude to you, Alissa, for sharing your story and hope!! God has a plan for all of His children. It’s our job to remain teachable!!
One mom to another, Vanessa (Oregon)
Your reply gave me goosebumps Vanessa. Indeed, it is our job to remain teachable, and it is so very humbling. Thank you.
Thank you so much! I also have an angry child that I love very much. It is amazing to hear others out there dealing with the same behaviors. He can be the most loving and giving child, but then he will get angry…. It is so hard, but what in life that is easy means so much…
Alissa: My child is grown but I am a teacher who has two children who have regular tantrums. Thank you so much for your insights about anger in children. I had come to a similar conclusion with these two guys, grieve the way you wish things were, and accept what is! Everyone seems a bit happier now.
I sense my youngest will be my angry child and she’s only 14 months. I find myself giving excuses to why she hits and slaps and pinches us, but sometimes I need a break. Knowing that there is no real answer, but to love them just they way they are is perfect answer for me. Thanks for the entry.
My gosh. I don’t think I have ever felt this touched by reading anything in my life. I even cried. This sounds so much like myself and the struggles I deal with on a daily basis with my son. He is ADD and ADHD. He gets extremely anger and it used to kill me because I didn’t know what to do. I always hear about how wonderful everyone else’s kids r doing and than I would secretly sulk and wonder y my cHilda was not like theirs. But I know just as well that when he is happy, he is the brightest star in thr sky.
I’ve never thought once that I was alone feeling like this, however, it is wonderful to read that I am not. I have a 14 year old daughter, who has been “like this” since she was 4 years old. Now that she is a teenager, it seems to be getting so much worse. I often feel like I’m not being a good mom or have “done my job correctly” as a mother for her to be like this. She is angry at the world and thinks it owes her something. I try to be stronger then her…or maybe I should say stronger willed. Most of the time, I want to throw my hands up and say forget it and walk away. I love her so much and I hate that she can’t seem to “find her way”. She is so smart, but too lazy to do her school work. It’s a constant battle with her. Her temper and mine clash. We are so much alike it’s scary. She never wants to just talk to me, she bottles everything up inside and I don’t know what to do to help her. I have to be her parent first and friend second. I know this took a lot of courage to put yourself out there like this as a parent. YOU are not alone. Hopefully we will make it through this and our children will grow up to be amazing in life. One can only hope, dream, pray!
Thank you so much for giving me this read, and for your blog. I am sitting here at work, wondering so many things, looking for answers. Trying to find everything I can for my child that gets angry. I love her, I want the best for her, and I reach out to her. I love what I’m finding here, and I love that there are others out there, too. 🙂
Thank you. This brought tears to my eyes. I have been searching for the missing piece since my screaming, angry, spirited baby was born six years ago. It is so hard to accept that THIS is what our relationship is, but I needed to “hear” it.
I would just like to let you know I’ve shared your story on our FB page. I commend your courage in sharing this. It brought me to tears. Your son is so lucky to have a mother who loves him as much as you do. Not only that, your son is lucky to have a mother who wants to understand him.
Thanks so much for this post. It feels like I have spent the last six months trying to explain my six-year-old son to other adults…his grandparents, his camp counselors, his new teacher, the principal, etc. His anger is definitely worse at home, when he hasn’t had enough protein or sleep. But, like you said, as soon as I think I have a handle on things, we go into a downward spiral. Thank you for your thoughtful suggestions, but especially for this sentence, “the desert is not broken; it is not missing something.” This will be the thought that I use to calm my response to my son’s explosions; the sweet, peaceful image of flowers blooming on cacti after a rainstorm.
Thanks for your comments MontanaMomoo. I feel like there is still more to write about this, but it is taking a while to formulate. Sending you compassion and strength as you continue on this journey.
Some children are angry because they lack structure or lack the right diet or lack discipline or have a substance reaction that no one is aware of. There are so many variables to it that it takes patience, time, and ruling things out by elimination or inclusion. Kudos to you for bringing it up.
Have you looked into the GAPS diet?? It has done wonders for my “angry” daughter. She’s 4 1/2 and we’ve dealt with night terrors which are pretty much gone, she’ll still have small one’s if she’s had too much sugar though. She still has strong emotions but she’s so much better able to handle them correctly before she explodes, she’s more loving with her sister, she’s just a happier girl and GAPS has been a huge part of that!
With tears of shared grief, understanding and hope flowing down my face, I thank you. So very, very much- thank you.
As I sit here with tears streaming down my face at work I have to let you know from the bottom of my broken heart thank you. Thank you for making me not feel alone. Thank you for being honest and open. Thank you for helping me have more courage when I try to comfort my son as he rages against the world even as he pushes me away.
Oh, Amanda. So many hugs to you. That’s all I can say. This is so hard, and you are doing it, mama. Hugs.
Youre not the only, im not the only one…hugs =)))
Thank you so much for this post and for your honesty. I too have an angry boy with sensory issues. His anger manifests itself often in disrespectful behavior and language. We spend a lot of time with my sister’s family and lately they have begun yelling at him or attempting to “parent” him when I am right there! I confronted them and they said that I “allow” him to act disrespectfully and that they won’t tolerate it. They have an angelic people pleasing 4-year-old girl and cannot understand that I am not “allowing” anything. It’s just not as easy to get through to him. I finally said they need to back off or we are going to have to stop spending time together. BUT our two kids are best friends and they cry and miss each other when they are not together. My sister is my best friend too. I need some advice! Got any? Thank you! Jen
Thank you for this post. It speaks right to my heart at what is going on with my son and me. It’s comforting knowing I am not alone. A resource that I’ve found helpful is CelebrateCalm. Their CDs are expensive, but I’ve found them helpful in changing my perspective and approach which is all I have control over. I do not have control over my son’s actions. Thank you again!
thank you reading this really helped me in knowing i am not alone
This is also my son and I. ANGRY. My three girls seem to be able to handle life where he just seems to not. When he was younger it was punching and kicking the floor when he got upset. I didn’t have time to read all the comments here but one thing has seemed to help a little bit. Nothing makes my son angrier than a chore. I mean ANGRY. I’ve tried it all with him consistently from earning thing to taking things away when his response is out of control . What I’ve found to work is a preparation to his anger. I say to him, “I know this makes you angry, so try to control your reaction, but it’s your turn to do the dishes.” Or “I need you to pick up your socks. ” Yes, even that makes him mad. Super, super mad. I hate you mom! mad. Or at least it use to. Preparing him for the emotion he is going to feel helps him to control the outrage. He still gets mad but it really helps to keep himself in check. It’s just been a few weeks that we have worked on it. Hopefully it continues to just show improvement. I’m hoping that eventually the anger becomes more and more controlled until it just doesn’t exist anymore. Hopefully this helps with others. And thank you for sharing your thoughts. It is so nice to see all the other people actively trying to parent this. There is a peace in knowing it isnt just you.
Hi Alissa,
You’ve captured the reality of what it is like to parent an intense child, lock, stock and barrel. Intense kids are simply MORE of everything and anyone who parents a child with this amount of passion is working 10x harder than a typical parent…on a good day!
Been there, done that…and am so happy to share that when you see it through, you will find something so beautiful, so stunning, so worth all the struggle waiting on the other end. I’m there now…but I never forget what we went through to get to the other side. It is difficult for parents because others sit by and say, “WOW…you need to just “such-and-such” to that kid and then maybe he’ll behave,” or, “Clearly, if you were a better parent, your kid wouldn’t be acting like that!”
Problem is, all of the existing parenting books do little to give information that is of any help to parents for kids with MORE! I’ve devoted my life’s work to helping parents, and have helped thousands in my 25 years of clinical practice…and am happy to hold up a light for you and say, THERE IS HOPE. THERE IS HOPE. THERE IS HOPE. I’ve seen it in my practice, and more personally, in my home.
I hope you’ll stop by our blog and find our “Anger Toolbox for Kids” on the right side. It’s free to join and will give you a few great tips to add to your arsenal of tools!
Keep up the great work of being so insightful! Your son is lucky, indeed!
Wendy @Kidlutions
I just wanted to say this post brought me to tears. You are ME. You described my son to a T. Sometimes I think I am the only one who sees the light in my son. But it’s there. Thank you for reminding me to look for it in the darkest times.
Alissa, My best friend sent me your posting and I’m so glad she did. I feel alone sometimes, like no one has a kid like mine. Somehow it’s comforting to see that there are other kids out there like mine, with parents who are trying just as hard as I am to do the best they can for their challenging child.
Wow! I feel like I could have written this post exactly, if only I was as eloquent as you! Thank you for finding the words to my feelings and experiences. It is wonderful to know “I’m not the only one.”
I think your an AMAZING Mama for acknowledged all that is “flawed” and accepting what you can’t change and determination to have a relationship with your son, and I can’t wait to read the positive things your son will share in this world one day! all because in the end his mom was there and never wavered no giving words to the phantoms they have no power over you! Your son will succeed in life and be a beautiful wonderful human being just like his mama!
Hello ,
My daughter , Emaliegh , is 2 years old and i saw that your son was hitting his head against things and that you guy’s have gotten over that. Well my daughter does that every time she gets in trouble or is not happy about the situation. She will slam her head into anything that is around her. My question is how did you get him to stop doing that?
I am the angry one here, but my daughter is so, so like me. And thank you for giving me permission to accept that THIS is our relationship. We are passionate people, and we love passionately, but passionately disagree with one another too. I didn’t realize I was hoping for it to be different one day until I read your post, and that it’s ok to grieve what it might not ever be like, because when I do, I can appreciate what we DO have. Which is pretty ok, even if it’s not what I’d hoped it would be. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing this. It truly touched my heart and helps me put words around parts of my relationship with my child. I love the comparison to the desert — the strong emotions swing to both ends of the spectrum.
I just want to simply say thank you!!! :,)
Are there any books you’ve read that have been particularly helpful.
wow! So many great ideas on here for tweaking the things that affect our kids.
I might have missed it, but I wanted to add something that I hadn’t seen that *might* be helpful – at least it has helped us. My daughter has a syndrome that comes with a whole host of behavioral issues, including transitioning problems and tantrums. Our OT recommended brain/music therapy and we began using some products from AdvancedBrain.org. I was blown away by the improvement I saw in her in many areas; not just her extreme reactions to things. It isn’t magic and it isn’t overnight, and it might not work for everybody. It has worked for us and we continue to use it. They have programs for autistic children and SPD; although we haven’t used those. It’s not cheap, but perhaps you could find an OT who is willing to take the course and work with your child. We purchased our materials through her, and did therapy with her and on our own with our child daily.
Thanks Laurie! I love how many different suggestions we’re getting on things that have helped in various families.
I bought the music therapy program from Advanced Brain Technology for my daughter, and I was so hopeful. However, after doing only a few sessions, she has now refused to continue. I tried different incentives to get her to do it (special crafts that she could only use while listening, buying her a special soft and fuzzy neck massage pillow to use only while listening), but that only turned into another thing to battle about – wanting to do the activity/use the pillow when not listening (and still not wanting to listen). So, I decided it wasn’t worth it. It’s hard enough to get through the day’s many challenges/power struggles without adding another one. I am curious whether your daughter resisted the ABT program or if she likes it, and if not, how you coaxed her.
Parents, please be aware of the way that nutrition affects your child! Their growing brains and bodies need lots of Healthy fats, which play a major role in their nerve sensitivity, as well as lecithin (in runny yoke eggs or powdered gmo free)….fats and minerals and hydration and no sugar.
There is so much we can do to help them through providing a wholesome consistent meals!!! Thank you for shedding light on this issue, it really helps me to understand diversity of personality!
This is the first article that resonates the same experience with our nearly 3 year old son. I haven’t thought of him as angry, I have identified him as a spirtited and intense child. There have been times he’s thrashed about on the floor, trying to kick me and when I move away he bangs his head on the floor until it hurts enough to scream. I sit quietly and try to make eye contact with him, letting him know I won’t let him hurt me and I’m here with him. Sometimes he begs me to help him, to hold him and I do, I want to so much, but I have to wait until he wants me! IT IS SO HARD. We can be having a pleasant, wonderful day, when the simplest redirection will cause him to stop, his face glazes over quickly, and he starts slapping himself. Early Intervention screened him, they said he is normal, testing above his peers. They said I’m worrying too much. I feel in my gut that we are missing something. I’m really glad you made the venture to write this article, it has been good to read all the feedback this has gotten too, so much more to research. I know we will always have challenges with our son, but I want all the understanding and tools I can get my hands on!
Melissa,
My heart goes out to you. Being told you “worry too much” does nothing but make you feel embarrassed, guilty and confused – not the kind of emotions that help with parenting! As you said after reading the responses to this article, there are resources out there. And as I am finding, there sometimes is no “magic pill” no AHA! moment, but maybe lots of little aha moments. The more you learn about what works best for your family and your son, the easier it will get. You aren’t crazy. It’s hard and you’re doing it.
Wow, this is amazing. Thank you for opening up like this and showing us all this light and acceptance. Going to share on my page, now!!
Gauri
LovingEarthMama
Thank you! My daughter struggles with anger as well, and it is very frustrating and at times disheartening to come to the realization that she is so angry so much of the time. She was never like this as an infant, so it really took me by surprise. I often find myself wondering if it’s learned behavior, but I know she hasn’t been exposed to some of the explosive tantrums she has thrown lately. That’s when deep down my heart breaks because I wonder why such a once beautiful and happy little girl could have so much anger and frustration inside herself.
I have a 5.5 yr old son that was ‘the biter’, ‘the pusher’, ‘the interrupter’ in both his 3’s and 4’s class at preschool. I kept thinking that he would outgrow the aggressive behavior, while I was reading every book available to learn how to manage the unwanted behaviors. I learned some good tips, tricks and coping skills, but what really made the difference was having him evaluated. I live in NYC, and you can get your child evaluated for free by working thru the Dept of Ed. I did my homework and had him evaluated thru a terrific school (Rivendell)- they did IQ, physical, auditory/hearing, educational, emotional evals. My son is very smart (hi IQ), highly verbal, very physical but they did see his behavior issues, fortunately. They called it ‘self-regulation’ and ‘executive function’ delays . We were awarded a SEIT ( special ed. itinerant teacher) that came to his preschool class 8 hours a week- she was basically a coach, helping him to learn how to manage his anger, negotiate different situations and handle transitions better. He also received 2 45-minute play therapy sessions a week, for the entire school year. He still can be short-tempered at times, but on the whole, the intervention made such a huge difference- he is ‘normal’ kid now! I wish that I had had him evaluated a year earlier and not waited… There is nothing to be ashamed of – reach out to the local school district for support, most have early intervention programs of some kind that cost you nothing.
By all accounts my husband was that angry boy too. He is now a beautiful, loving, fierce, driven, courageous, passionate man, husband and father. He often credits training in martial arts as a turning point in his life — a place to channel the intensity of his feelings and drives, a place he learned about respect, and a place where he got to be himself. It’s not the same for everyone, but I think there are many places where children with this kind of intensity can shine and be at home. You sound like an amazing mom with a beautiful lightening bolt of a child.
Thanks so much Elanne. I love how you describe your husband, and I think I can see the beginnings of those qualities in my son too, which just makes me feel really…proud of him. And, in fact, I am looking into martial arts classes this fall – they might be a great fit!
Thank you for posting this. My daughter is a tantrum thrower.. violent scary tantrums. I know what some of them stem from, she’s is behind in communication and she is terribly frustrated. But, other times it’s something else. It hadn’t occurred to me that it might just be that she is angry in general. Thanks for helping me feel not so alone.
Thank you! My middle son is 6 and gets angry too. He has recently been punishing himself for his failures (his words not mine!) It is so hard when you feel helpless. I have been through so much trying to find answers. Took him to a pschologist who looked like I was crazy, but she didn’t see him at home. My oldest son has PDD-NOS and I think that is a trigger sometimes for his brother. Some days I feel the same way as you described here. Thank you!
I think sometimes that can be the hardest part – thinking, “but you don’t know what it’s like AT HOME.” And then, I’d find myself doubting my own experience and it just makes you feel crazy. Hugs and good luck to you.
Today was a day that I def needed to see something like this. Thank you! It is nice to see I am not alone and that my thought process isn’t “warped”. Thank you thank you thank you!
This sounds hard and I applaud you for writing so earnestly about it. I have a nearly-three year old who’s going through a phase of “asserting” herself through shouting and throwing. I am always surprised at how wound up I become myself following one pf her outbursts. Just hang in there, rest(as you wisely do) and try not to take it personally if you can :-). The best of luck!
My closest friend who was raising twins the same age as my child once asked me, “How in the world can {your child} be so angry?”
The times when he required more attention than BOTH her children were frequent. The tantrums started well before his first birthday.
It is not reasonable. It can not be explained entirely. It is a puzzle that we work on every day.
His intensity has it’s benefits. He is driven. He is intelligent. He is beautiful…even though it may not feel like beauty on many days :).
Thanks for talking about this. It is always good to know there are others struggling with the same things.
Holly
Thank you! I am pinning this so I can come back for words of encouragement! My son just turned 4 and we have been trying to find a healthy balance for him since he was two weeks old. We have been to doctors and behavioral therapists, dieticians and psycholigists. Two more tests to go: a psych eval and an IQ test. He as sensory processing delays and is eather autistic or savant. Some people criticize me for trying to find something ‘wrong’ with my child. There is nothing wrong with him. His personality is different from mine. I am trying to find out how he ticks so I can be a better parent to him. I am glad to see I am not alone! Sometimes it does feel like it. I feel bad for his younger sister who many times has to stand by and watch as meltdowns spiral out of control. The things that seem to work the best for us: (depending on the day) 1. Being proactive-We try to schedule no more than one errand a day-he gets overstimulated VERY quickly! If he had a long day on Monday we try to stay home on Tuesday and let him unwind. 2. Limit Media(tv, movies, video games, computer, music playing in the background)-again he gets overstimulated. 3. Quiet time-every day when his sister naps we have quiet time. He paints, draws, plays with cars, or will watch a short video(depending on his mood). 4. NO SUGAR-this for him is an extreme stimulant-even too much fructose can trigger him. 5. Hug when he is ready-this for me is difficult! I love affection-he does not. So when he is ready I am willing! 6. We set time aside every day to spend time together just the two of us for an activity of his choice (legos, a game, cars, a snack) whatever he wants to do, usually 15-20 minutes and then he is sick of me :). 7. Prepare them as much as possible for changes.”We get frustrated when our pland change-imagine how a child feels…they can’t always express it well and can become frightened and confused.” We have a fantastic pediatrician who gave me an ah-ha moment(there have been several). We talk about changes and do as much as we can to prepare him. We still have meltdowns and we still don’t have a ‘perfect’ day but we are getting to know eachother better and are better for it.
Great suggestions! Yes, preparing for transitions is hugely helpful, as is special time together. Thanks for your ideas.
Thank you so much for writing this. I have been having such a difficult time with my three year old lately. Even today I was at the mall with a friend waiting in a long line to get food and he screamed in the stroller. Everyone was looking at me and I know some wanted to tell me that he was out of control or whatever. Then he gets upset if I buckle his car seat and not him. Then screaming begins and he yells at me tells me to shut up. Time outs dont work as I can not get him to sit in a chair. I have felt many days at my wits end and yet I feel like I have more patience than some. I really apprieciate everyones comments and the post especially. It helps to not be alone and to know I probably am not doing anything wrong but just dealing with a young boy who requires alot more from me.
Thank you so much for posting this… I may have to read this every day!
I was a very angry child. And I wish my mom had handled things differently. I still struggle with anger at times. Most often when I don’t get good sleep. Which is very difficult with little ones. My 5 yr old daughter gets violent quickly when she doesn’t get her way. In a way I’m grateful I experienced anger as a child because I feel like I can empathize with her. And, hopefully, be a better parent for her than my mom was for me. Thank you for sharing this.
Thank you for being so brave. I know the immensity of the love I have for my child, but I also know the tremendous feeling of despair when things are not going well. So thank you, for reaching out and helping.
I have finally gotten to the place you are speaking of. My son in six and it feels like it’s taken forever! I too feel (like some of the comments above), that he was given to my husband and myself to teach us patience, deep love, and tolerance. I learn from my children every day, and am so grateful to have them both!
first i want to say there is nothing “wrong” with any of our children. my guy struggles with big feelings and i know it is cuz he’s scared a lot. i agree with the commenter who said that they save up there worst stuff to show us cuz we are there safest place, they are looking for help with their struggles. if you can see it that way, it helps a bit to understand (though still difficult to stay calm in the moment). it also totally makes sense that once things are going well they will feel safe and hopeful enough to try to get help with the struggles; how they make that “request” can look and feel awful, like the brattiest tantrumming craziness, but remember that’s what’s really going on. often kids will look for pretexts to unload these feelings when they get too big to manage, esp. if they have had a period of good attention.
i have also been working on my own temper, and really making herculean efforts to regulate my own emotions the way i’m expecting him to. that has helped a lot too. for more info and support i highly recommend https://www.handinhandparenting.org and aha!parenting for lots of great articles that have helped me immeasurably!
This sounds so familiar! My now 11 year old son has been prone to “meltdowns” from an early age. For the longest time I thought it was my parenting that was causing this and heaped guilt upon myself. Then he was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome and I learned that meltdowns are one of the major characteristics of Aspies. I still remember the day I read that in one of the books I’d gotten to learn more about Aspergers. I just sat there and sobbed uncontrollably for a time. He is on meds for ADHD which also seem (oddly enough) to help with his Aspie symptoms. His meltdowns have gotten less frequent, or perhaps we are getting better at managing them. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly!
My daughter is 17. In the beginning, she was termed ‘high need’, and she is. But she’s also angry. Always has been. I wish that I could say they ‘grow out of it’. But they don’t. When it’s good, it’s just amazing, wonderful, beautiful, etc. And when it’s bad…..well, everyone has a bad day then. I loved your blackhole analogy. It does drain the energy from every day life. Some days I find myself shaking my head and saying, “Really, I’m too tired for this right now.” That doesn’t always go over well, but it can be exhausting.
I wouldn’t trade my daughter for anything. She is the light of my life. Parenting her has always been hard but not without significant rewards.
What a beautifully well-written article. Thank you for such an eloquent post. My son introduced me to the wonderful world of being “that Mom” in the grocery store this year when he turned 2 and I have never experienced such judgement and shame. Not having experienced that with my other children I was shocked at how openly people stare and judge and tsk tsk. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on acceptance…lovely and timely article.
My friend sent me your post and i am so glad she did. i have read it twice today and cried both times. my son is 26 months and has been spirited and very quick (and often) to anger since day 1. Every day is a roller coaster of emotions and our entire family feel like we are walking on eggshells. He is very rough with his 4 year old sister (who is a spirited but extremely gentle child), and it breaks my heart that none of the grandparents/my friends seem able to connect with him as he is either all action, or all temper tantrum. He is also very slow to speak, which is surely not helping his temperament.
On the other hand, when he laughs it is contagious, and his ability to notice EVERYTHING is eye-opening and amazing. He loves trying to make us all laugh and is such a performer. Unfortunately, these moments are brief and are usually followed by an outburst, probably from the overstimulation of having so much attention.
I feel such a whirlwind of emotions every day towards my beautiful boy – awe, frustration, guilt, anger, confusion, gratitude – and none of this I feel i can properly convey to friends and family. it is very tough, and i often feel very alone. your post has made me feel much less so, thank you so much.
i agree that maybe we just have to accept that this is who they are, and stop trying to make them into something that we imagined they should be. i particularly compare him (internally) with my friends’ children of the same age, which always leaves me feeling both angry with him and guilty for feeling this way. i see that i need to accept and love him all the same for whatever temperaments traits he has, even if it means grieving a little first. i am going to work through this and be the best mum i can be to him.
Great article. I know what you mean. My 11 year old son is like that at times. We have been working with him for several years on how to “handle” his anger. He is improving but it has been a long road! The principle at his elementary school has helped him as well by being very easy on him during his time in elementary school, but I’m worried now because he will be starting middle school this year. I have discussed with him many times this summer about his anger problem and that since he is getting older he has to get a better handle on it. Middle school principles will not be so easy on him.
Thank you for this article and for the comments.
Emily – I had a thought after reading your post and wanted to share it with you. It sounds like your daughter really trusts you. If she is saving up all of her negative feelings and emotions and just sharing them with you at home, it sure seems like she knows you’re not going anywhere, no matter what she does. It sounds like you’re her safe place.
Not sure if that helps, but it was heavy on my heart to share.
Thank you for posting this. I was feeling so alone this morning trying to decide on what I could do for my eldest. Thank you. I needed to hear I wasn’t alone… and it doesn’t mean I’m automatically a bad parent..
Check out the symptoms of early onset bipolar disorder. Good luck 🙂
Thank you for this posting. My son is not angry, but he is “BUSY”. I am constantly getting people saying “You must be exhausted!” or ” Get him checked, maybe he has ADHD”. He is just excited by life. He has trouble explaining his emotions, and rather than, as your son does, getting mad, he has to explore all the newness right now. No he is not constantly going. If you get to know him you would see a very smart, sensitve, and caring child who can focus when he is interested about something. I am very quiet and reserved and he forces me to think outside the box, be creative, and “go with the flow”. Heavenly Father knows that my son is just right for me and I am very greatful for that.
So sorry for such a long post!! Wow. I had no idea. : )
Alissa — Great post. I read it last Friday and have been thinking about how there is a need for more of this kind of support for parents like us dealing with an angry child.
I have one, too. I have twin girls both raised the exact same. One is angry. The other is as calm as can be. My angry girl is only angry at home. She is awesome in school and elsewhere.
It’s nice to read this and know that we’re not suffering alone. The worst of the problem began just a few weeks ago though she has always had a very bad temper. The last six weeks have been difficult beyond belief.
A few tips I can offer but I am far from solving the problem.
My response is key. If I say nothing and just wait until she’s calm to address the issue, things are calmer. This is not the normal parenting response but she’s an exceptional child and needs things to be different.
Also, I have begun keeping a log of her outbursts and this has been helpful. Most are before a meal or before bedtime. In fact, all have been since I started. I give her a pass on behavior that might be related to being hungry or tired — when I started doing that, I started having more empathy for her.
Empathy is key. If I’m not brushing her concerns to the side, she’s more likely to calm down faster.
When she’s calm we’re working on the issues she’s so clearly needing to master such as patience building, understanding the feeling of disappointment, kindness for others and problem solving. I thought she had mastered all of these things before until she turned 6 and then it just went out the window. We’re back-to-basics.
Once I realized that she needs my help to learn better ways to coping with her problems, it became a challenge for me. I have read everything I can and have lots to offer. Her special needs are why I write most of what I write on my blog about peaceful parenting, Awesomely Awake!
I finally feel like we’re turning the corner. She only had one small outburst yesterday that lasted for a short while just before dinner. She also is now more aware that this is a problem for her. We’ve read a poetry book that is helping her cope as well and get a different perspective on the world and how she fits into it.
My biggest struggle is keeping a balanced approach to her intense needs while maintaining an equal amount of attention on my other child who has her own needs. It’s very challenging in that respect. If she were an only child, I suspect things would be very different.
Hugs to all the parents out there dealing with this. It is not easy but we can nurture and love these children.
Shawn, I can see you have such good ideas. I need all the help I can get! Could you post the link to your blog?
https://awesomelyawake.com
: )
I grew up with an angry brother. He was diagnosed with food allergies (dairy) and eliminating them from his diet helped a lot, they seemed to work as a trigger. Some researchers believe that anger and aggression in very young children is a sign of depression, they just don’t have the language skills to understand or discuss the big emotions. Once on medication to fix the chemical imbalance, life improved again.
Thank you for having the guts to post this! I too have a child who is often angry. She’s perfectly pleasant at church, etc., but at home….kapow. Fine the whole walk back to the van….the second we get in the van….yeah.
Just out of curiousity, have any of you had your children evaluated for retained primitive reflexes? We started a new therapy program in January and she was immediately diagnosed with hanging onto a couple of the newborn reflexes (she’s 9). One of them in particular–the Moro (startle) reflex–can particularly result in an explosive temperament as the person ages. You can google “retained primitive reflexes” for detailed info. They apparently reside in that fight/flight state 24/7 and it toys with sleep, emotions, adrenaline level, and can even result in some issues with hypoglycemia (due to adrenal fatigue). We’re currently doing a ton of exercises to force that reflex to integrate into a normal response, and we’re starting to see some “settling” of her temperament. It’s a tough program and it’s hard to make her do the exercises….because she can be so angry. But I think the overall “angry” time per day is decreasing. And that’s a good thing because she’s reaching a size where I can’t just pin her down if needed anymore. And had I read this comment last December, I probably would go “yeah, that sounds nuts”….except that I’m seeing it happen. It’s bizarre to watch once you know what you’re looking for. If she starts to tip backwards at all, her instinct is not to curl over forward to regain balance–it’s to throw herself backward and freak out.
How refreshing it is to get the raw honest reality of parenting sometimes. As a young parent of a very, lets say ‘strong willed’ child the anger that comes out of him is unbelievable. People seem to hide it behind their picture perfect painting of their family without a thought that one persons struggles may also be someone else’s. I have been in and out and around the specialist lists to find out that my short tempered, physical aggressive child has a VERY high IQ and high functioning autism- Aspergers. It has been a long awaited diagnosis yet a total sense of relief, he needs the support in the classroom to defuse these situations and help him gain the self regulation skills other children have already developed. Anyone dealing with this level of anger should get autism assessment done, it is more common than people think.
Your heartfelt words and personal insight reminded me of an author/books you might find helpful. While you are dealing with an angry child, Barry Neil Kaufman and his family were dealing with an autistic child. Nonetheless, I think you might find both support and inspiration in his books: To Love is To Be Happy With, Happiness is a Choice, and (my favorite) SonRise. Thank you for sharing your inspiring story.
I have been feeling so ashamed and small and useless lately about the fact that my kids are all very volatile and I feel like a failure because they all flare up at each other all the time. I have four kids who get very highly stressed over seemingly nothing! And I feel like a nice gentle calm person who gets drawn into being stressy against my better nature. This post has made me cry. thanks for writing it x
I was flicking through FB with my son (9) hovering over my shoulder. I saw your blog on a page and he said “You should read that mum.” I looked at him – and he said “I meant for me, mum, I get angry”. I was amazed he could say that, so I read it, and so much resonated. It was beautiful – thank you. Maybe I need to realise this too.
Yes, yes, yes this is my middle daughter. So hard to describe it to others, they just don’t get the intensity of this type of child, the self doubt at “what have we done wrong, and what can we do to fix it”. Crazy but I had never thought of her as being an “angry” child, even though she is. And she brings out huge anger in all of our normally very gentle family. It is very hard. We are based in Ireland and unlike the US sensory processing disorder is not considered a “thing”. And she is bright and lovely when not being angry, which she saves for our family, so it would be hard to get it taken seriously. So we struggle on alone.
Wow. Thank you SO much for this post. Your words, and the words of commenters have me in tears. Tears of appreciation… that I’m not alone. The crazy coincidence is that I was *just* talking to a friend this evening about my own angry-boy concerns, and lamenting that it’s not like I can ask others how they’ve handled this before, because I don’t know anyone else who has handled this (and I don’t even know what “this” is!). Then I read this article, and… wow.
My angry, frustrated, aggressive, brilliant, amazing, funny boy is 6, and takes most of my time and energy. I know he has sensory issues, beyond that – I just wish I knew “what’s wrong” with him. Anxiety… aspergers… adhd… other… nothing? I spend a LOT of time wondering what I’m doing wrong. It’s hell on the ego. And I spend a lot of time wondering how I can help him. As so many have said, it sometimes seem that we’re onto something… things will improve so much for a while… only to plummet back down to anger land. It’s devastating.
On the hopeful side, I met with our Pediatrician last week, and she recommended seeing an OT, an MFT and a developmental Pedi. I already have appt’s for the OT and MFT (both covered by insurance!!), and are waiting, fingers crossed, for insurance to authorize the developmental Pedi (please pray for insurance auth – we can’t afford to pay $450/hr out of pocket). I feel such relief, knowing that there is help out there.
Your words about accepting your child, as he is, really hit home. I have definitely been waiting, breath held, for him to become “normal”. This may be his normal… and I need to accept that.
Thank you so much for this. So very, very helpful.
Thank you for sharing this. My 4 year old daughter was very recently diagnosed with sensory processing disorder, anxiety disorder and possible OCD. She is angry and it is taken out on me and her older sister many times every day and affect so much of our life as a family. A lot of the blog world and pinterest makes life look a little too perfect so it is really refreshing to see a bit of reality and know that others are coping with (and surviving!) similar struggles.
Autumn – I know exactly what you are going through. My son was diagnosed with SPD (sensory seeker and also sensitive to noise) and the psych thinks he probably has some anxiety. He also displays OCD tendencies, but has gotten better. There is so much good info on SPD on Facebook and Pinterest. If you are on Pinterest, check out my page. I have a category of SPD. Search Amy Stanley.
Sounds like our kids have a lot of similarities! I tried to find you on pinterest but it just keeps searching when I go by name. Does your SPD board have a specific name I could search or can you post a link? Thanks!
Sure Autumn,
On Pinterest I am Alissa :: Creative With Kids
Specific Borads you may be intersted in:
Fantastic Sensory Ideas
Parenting a Spirited Child
Positive Parenting
Your son sounds exactly like my son when he was little. I had no help.. I took him to early interventions, and they told me he was normal, in fact, bright, and well above his other peers.
Long story super short- he’s nine and a half, and last June was diagnosed with autism. It’s mild, but it’s sensory- that was the reasons he would get so mad. He couldn’t process what was going on in his little head.. he was being over stimulated by whatever it was in his environment, light, sound, people, who knew! I felt relieved getting a diagnosis, but like a horrible mom because I missed something that was causing my son physical discomfort.
Do you both a favor- bring him for an OT evaluation. An hour a week has changed my world completely. It gets harder as they get older.. and it’s hard to undue a lot of hurt-on both sides-.. I just wish many parents didn’t have to go through what we went through. Good Luck!
My son, who is almost 3, was screened by early intervention just a few months ago and they said the same thing, he was normal and even a bit advanced. They told me I am worrying too much…but I feel there is something more going on. What is OT? This is the first article I have ever read that mirrors exactly what we go through.
Thank you so much for writing this! I am a child development specialist who has worked with many parents with angry children. I know they will appreciate this post. Many feel like they are very alone in their journeys.
Thank you! To hear another parent say the things I feel everyday is almost like a sigh of relief… My oldest son is a very angry, anxious child. He has been that way since about 2 yrs old. We also went through the head bashing and the screaming and then moved into the hitting and the throwing things at us. There are times that I feel we have it all figured out, but the minute I taking that breath of fresh air, the weather changes and so does his mood. We have tried medication, we have had a 10 day stay in our local children’s mental hospital (longest 10 days of my life) and yet we still don’t have a real answer as to WHY?! Everything is a fight. And while I like to think of myself as a pretty patient parent. I find my self loosing my patience with him. I know in my heart that one day we will come to a place where it will be easier. But to know we are not alone makes it that much easier now! Your story made me cry in a way that I haven’t cried in a long time. Thank you!
I have a son who is out growing this. He is almost 11 years old. Six years was the peak of the insanity I shall call it. My son was a screamer (still can be) as a baby and toddler. I too was ‘that mom’. Dirty looks or lectures by strangers. He never was physical though with me. Til six. Suddenly his rages turned into serious hitting, kicking and hair pulling (my hair that is). Holding his door shut during ‘timeouts’ were common. Once he trashed his room even bending down the blades of his ceiling fan. I was at my wits end. It was pititful. He truely was out of control and it was scary. He once said with tears in his eyes, “mommy, I don’t know how to stop.” It killed me. Somehow we muddled through. It got slowly better. He can still explode unexpectedly, but usually he can bring himself down in a reasonable time (minutes instead of hours). But mostly we just deal with sensitive emotions. When tired (or maybe hungry or even over stimulated) he can cry like a toddler over silly things. And things are now also far and few between. He’s become much more manageable and we talk almost daily about self control and managing our self.
Hope things get better for your little guy.
Finally a success story. This is encouraging!
This article was refreshing to me, not because I have a child with anger issues, but because it helps me to understand that as humans we’re all different and that sometimes we’re brought together because of the combined strengths and weaknesses of each other. It’s especially meaningful because we can’t comprehend why a child with so little life experience could be so angry. We forget however, that the child is struggling with the same thing but doesn’t know anything else. Having someone in his/her life that is simply “there” for them, whether they’re calm or angry, must be such a refuge for them. What a blessing this child has with you in his life. I’m so glad that I ran across your article.
I am so glad you wrote this. I have a 9 yo angry child, who has SPD, so some of it comes from that. But we do see a psychologist that is quite helpful, who says he might have some anxiety also. If things don’t go right, he gets very upset, usually yelling at the ‘thing’ that won’t go right (even though it’s him that can’t get it). I find it hard for myself to remain calm when he goes wild on me. I tend to have an anger issue myself. I am thankful he is forgiving too. But I feel like our relationship is not where it ‘should be’. I am looking forward to school starting again, so we can get back into a structured schedule. I think that will help.
I loved the honesty of this post and found it encouraging for my own intense child. I am replying to P Reis as an occupational therapist. If you are wondering if sensory issues are impacting your child, you may want to check out The Out of Sync Child by Carol Kranowitz or Sensational Kids by Lucy Jane Miller. Sensational Kids talks a lot about ADD symptoms vs. sensory processing. Both of those books can give you a better picture if sensory processsing issues are affecting your child and will provide a starting point for strategies. As I read further, I see you are asking for referrals, which is a good spot to start. Follow your heart with your child in what you think will work for her. No matter what others say, you are her Mama!
Thank you so much for writing this. I am a single mother of an aggressive and emotional 3 year old that many days has me questioning what im doing wrong? My problem is his anger is more prevalent at daycare and not seen as much at home. Parents complain about him and the other kids are afraid of him some days. Your words are inspiring and as I sit here with tears in my eyes…this gives me the strength to show the world what a loving, caring and beautiful son that I see everday! I dont feel alone. Thank you!
If the difficult behavior is only occurring at school, you may have an entirely different problem on your hands. I say this bc of my previous career working as an educator to the public about child abuse, warning signs, and how to respond to a child’s disclosure of abuse and recent personal experience. Please look closely at what triggers the behavior. It could be that someone is mistreating him. This was the case with my 5 yo son. Once removed from the school where he was being harmed he quickly returned to his former self.
My six year old son is often on the receiving end of my nine year old’s anger. My older son also has Asperger’s syndrome, so he struggles with anger, social skills, and empathy. When my younger son gets his feelings hurt we often talk about how everyone’s brain is built differently. He struggles with math and his brother struggles with managing his own and understanding other’s feelings. We just have to be patient with him and show him good examples of kindness and compassion. It will take a long time, but eventually some of it will sink in. Then I usually give the little some special one-on-one time away from his brother. This does NOT excuse my older child’s behavior. He still gets consequences for inappropriate behavior.
Thanks for this article. It really helped me understand my friend with very angry children better and make me more supportive of her.
But what about the kids on the receiving end of angry kids? I am a parent of a gentle sensitive boy always on the receiving end of other kids anger & aggression & i am struggling to manage these situations and the aftermath. A childs behaviour always impacts others too, right?
Thank you so much for posting this. I too have an angry son. He has learning difficulties and expresses his frustration physically. It is enough to know there are others on this path too.
Thank you so much for this share! I have an almost four year old daughter who is extremely intense and anger seems to be her coping/management tactic at this time. It is soooo hard, frustrating, draining and emotional for my husband and I. I know I need to keep calm, strong and focused but some days it’s much harder than it seems. I rest easier knowing that I am not alone in this 🙂
This post is both beautiful and important…. I have an anxious child and I can relate to some of this too, but I have a very dear friend who I know will relate to this… have sent her your way. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for this. My 5 y/o middle daughter sounds similar to your son. And some days it’s hard. Really hard. And I, like you, have learned to say that THIS is how it is. God gave her to me, and me to her, and we will learn together how not to just get through but rather to grow through it.
Thank you for posting this. I have an intense 15mo old and today was a dark stormy day…from start to finish practically, but with flashes of sunlight *SMILES* between his tears that would melt your heart. Your words were a drink of cold water in this desert storm. Thank you. I’m a teacher by trade and have worked with several angry kids (more banging heads on desks and walls in 3rd & 4th grade) and learned to help those kids. But seeing it in my own child takes the emotions to a whole new level. I believe GOD is stronger, greater, wiser, and so much more gracious so I need, esp in these days, to turn to HIM and LEARN from HIM. For His strength is made perfect in our weakness.
I am so glad I’m not alone in this struggle. My husband and I are exhausted. Our five yr old is not only angry but is ADHD to boot. He’s not started to ignore everyone in our family but me. He acts as if they don’t exist all the time. I know my family is hurt and are put off by his “dislike” of them. It breaks my heart. But God gave me this child. He entrusted me with him knowing that I could handle raising him. I know that I’m supposed to be able to handle this but sometimes . . . I just want to cry.
Thanks so much for your post. I wish more mom’s would talk about this. We need support and lots of love!
Thank you so much for this; it’s exactly what I needed, as we too have been going through a downswing. I send a hug back to you!
Honestly brought tears to my eyes, We Dont have an angery child .Night terrors We have .unbeliveble night terrors can last anywhere from 10 min to up to 2 hours of hell I get the ” simultaneously calling for me and kicking me away if I try to comfort him.” It’s been sometimes 3 times a week and sometime a mount or two with out any . He’s 4 this has been going on for 2 year he start school in the fall .I hope it stops soon . How do you deal with it?
Thank you, Thank you, THANK YOU for writing this. The honesty and insight you’ve provided is so comforting and eye opening for me. My 2.5 yr old son is “angry”. It’s SO difficult as a parent to watch my dear son run full speed into a wall just to bang his head out of anger and frustration, before you can even get to him to find out what has upset him. This is one of the greatest things I’ve read this year. Again Thank you! I found your post through Modern Parents Messy Kids….. thanks to her for sharing! 🙂
I think sometimes the most emotional children may end up being the more gifted ones in the long run. They hold the sensitivity and the passion to be super high achievers. Being patient and loving as a parent is all you can do.
My friend sent her young son (age 4) to get biofeedback. All i can say is, wow! This little boy has no more anger issues after a few months of treatment and now just goes back once in a while for a tune up. I’ve seen the transformation with my own eyes, truly amazing. I wish more people knew about biofeedback. Blessings to all you mamas.
My heart goes out to all of you wonderful parents who love their kids so much. I wish every kid in this world had a parent who loved them as much as you all do.
I was an “angry” child: difficult, sensitive, couldn’t concentrate, massive mood swings and anxiety. In fact, I didn’t stop feeling that way until less than a year ago (I’m 25) when I switched to a grain-free diet. I never knew I could feel this calm. I am in control of my emotions again. While I know I will always have those tendencies, going grain-free has helped me feel more in control of my life and myself.
I know there are many factors which go into a personality, and acceptance is by far the thing that has helped me the most. I highly recommend a grain-free diet as a tool to help you and your families on this crazy ride called life.
For help getting started, I highly recommend visiting Elana’s Pantry http://www.elanaspantry.com which is filled with nutrient-rich, delicious, and grain-free food.
God bless,
Amanda
Thank you, I needed that.
Your piece hit home with me in a different way than some of your responders. I feel guilty for being one of the “judgmental ones.” I’m the gay brother in our family’s scenario. I was 40 when I finally became an uncle. It came on the heels of the death of our mother, so the feeling was “This is a new beginning. New life. New hope.” It hasn’t turned out exactly that way for me. Because I don’t have kids of my own, and don’t really feel the need to be a parent, I had a fantasy of being this doting uncle and it just didn’t happen. So it’s just a disappointment, you know?
My niece (she is six) is angry a lot, has bullied other children at school, pouts, screams and cries when she doesn’t get her way, is manipulative, and in fact, has acknowledged my presence in a room maybe three times her whole life. I so feel for my sister (divorced with primary custody) but I admit that sometimes I want to chime in and tell my sister she needs to take a firmer hand with her daughter, who has pretty much ruined our annual family vacation (at least for me) the past three years in a row. She seems to get everything she wants (even though I realize that is not literally 100% true) so I don’t know what she has to be so angry about. Reading your post helped me a lot. I realize that I just need to love my sister and accept the situation for what it is. Maybe my niece will “grow out of it”–maybe it’s “a phase”–or maybe it’s not a phase and she won’t grow out of it. I read your words and I realize that no matter how frustrated I am, I can’t cut my sister out of my life because her daughter is the way she is. I just need to accept it because I’m sure what I see is just the tip of the iceberg. I wish you comfort and wisdom and please know that because I read your words, I am going to try not to add to my sister’s already-full plate. Hopefully that is worth something.
Wow, thanks for this post. We adopted a little girl out of foster care at age 6 in 2010 and she has been fighting us (and her placement) ever since. She has been diagnosed with complex (i.e., developmental) PTSD, mild FASD (with no major facial morphology issues), reactive attachment…the list goes on and on. Basically (on the negative side) we see a very angry child who is interested in destabilizing her relationship with us, is fearful of LOTS of things, and is oppositional, defiant, rageful, dangerous, etc. On the positive side, she is smart, witty, and funny, and is working slowly to adapt to her new normal. Her fits/meltdowns can last as little as 10 minutes or as long as 5 to 6 hours. My husband and I both have PhDs in development/disorders, so we “get it”, but it certainly has not made this stuff any easier. All of the interventions in the world just does not make this child happy over the long term. We’ve tried them all–Love and Logic, Beyond Consequences, TLC’s What Color is Your Hurt, Nurtured Heart, basic behaviorism, etc., etc., etc. We’ve used visual schedules, token economies…she goes to a Waldorf school (a SERIOUS blessing, IMHO!!), has no access to TV/media, eats wholesome, organic meals, is on one med (Kapvay) for her PTSD, is involved in a limited number of very meaningful activities…you name it. We’ve done it. And it hasn’t made her a bit less angry (she’s only gotten bigger, stronger, and louder).
One interesting thing that our child’s social worker suggested was that children who have fits/meltdowns for longer than an hour are more likely to have bipolar disorder (based on the work of Mark Sloane and Jim Henry out of University of Western Michigan’s Children’s Trauma Assessment Center). Although not comforting, it might be a logical thought for those folks who are dealing with fits of anger and despair that are like a well that cannot be filled.
It is also comforting to hear that others live through this. Our daughter is VERY functional in public and pretty functional at her school; it is only when she gets home that Jekyll turns to Hyde.
I wish you the best of luck with your son.
Thank you so much for your honesty. I think it is so hard for the mothers out there to say anything that might show our “weakness” or our childrens’ “flaws”. We are protective like that…I know I am:)
I know that sometimes the alternative health/nutrition route can become tiresome and frustrating…but I want to be sure to put this out there as I am currently looking into it further and find it to be fascinating.
Has anyone heard of pyroluria? It is a syndrome that has been recognized in the naturopathic community since the 50’s. It is a blood disease that basically limits the absorbtion of b-6 and zinc. It has been shown in a HUGE percentage of adults with mental illness (bipolar, schizophrenia, etc) but in children can manifest in other ways (anger, adhd, sensory issues, etc). The main treatment is simply dosing with high quality b-6 and zinc. I am NOT and expert in this, but I think it is worth looking into. It is easy to test for and relatively easy to treat. There is a vitamin for kids that I stumbled upon (I promise I am in NO way affiliated with them) called “On task naturally” that might help…but I am still looking into it.
My son also just saw a cranial osteopath and had and adjustment for the first time…and I swear he was a different kid this week! I am hopeful.
I am in tears reading this!!!! I needed to hear this from another mother~I ask myself all the time how to help or what I did wrong. It breaks my heart to see my son so mad at everyone and everything for some unknown reason~his words at five years old can be so harsh and I don’t know where it comes from. It is a helpless feeling and I love your point of view. THANK YOU for sharing!!!!!
I’m so glad you were courageous to write this. I feel like I’m in the same situation. My son is 2 and requires so much energy. I’m exhausted at the end of the day and worry that I don’t spend enough time with my other son. My husband and I constantly wonder what we are doing wrong and are always trying to do something else that will “fix” things. I appreciate your words that gave me some encouragement. We’re not alone!
Thank you so much for writing about this topic. The fact that no one talks about it makes parents feel like it is a reason to be ashamed, and then they become isolated…instead of getting the support they need from friends and family. I know this first hand, as the parent of an angry, anxious, highly sensitive child. Thank you for providing an opportunity for people to find support here!
Meghan- I completely relate to what you said. I have the same issues and it makes me mad an sad that family feels it is ok to exclude him and talk about him. Hugs to
You.
Can completely relate to this! My daughter is bipolar and very very difficult to parent. In fact, I think it is the most difficult thing I have ever done. I wonder quite often if we are all overlooking something that could help these kiddos…food..allergies etc. I hope we find some answers for them someday.
So nice to know we’re not alone. My son is 12 now and so angry. 🙁 I think as mothers we want to fix everything and make it easy for our children. He told me he will never tell me why he’s angry. He does however tell me when he’s in love and who he has a crush on and he will talk about school and friends. So I savor those conversations and enjoy them while he still gets excited to tell me about a cute girl. I just hope when he’s grown who ever he spends his life with, that they won’t have to wonder why he’s so angry too.
What a beautiful post Alissa and I loved your desert storms analogy. Thank you for sharing your story.
What a beautiful post Alissa and I loved our desert storms analogy. Thank you for sharing your story.
Ditto on the awesomeness. Totally and completely. You could easily be writing about my son. In fact, you did. Thank you for your resonant words and wise reflections.
This truly touched me. As a single mom to a wonderful 7 yr old girl with SPD,ADHD, and ASD I have struggled with this. Before she was diagnosed 3 years ago I had trouble with the fact I was being hit and beaten up by my 4 year old. I thought for a long time it was something I was doing wrong. I thought I had failed her somehow. It has been a long road but I am learning to accept that I did not fail. This is just who she is. She gets frustrated when she cant express herself or when things seem too out of control for her. So she gets angry. But I do love my daughter. and reading this brought tears to my eyes because of how often I felt so alone and afraid to talk to anyone about how I felt. I was afraid that I would seem like a bad mother. Thank you so much for sharing.
You are awesome – ‘nuf said:)
Thank you so much for this! I cried the entire time I read this! This is my life and my worry for my son… Thank you for telling me its okay to not know how or what to do!
I feel like you have written the thoughts that go through my head with every meltdown. My 3-year-old daughter is an amazing, creative, intelligent person, but she is also loud, demanding, stubborn and capable of anger so much bigger than herself. She runs our home, simply because we all fear her temper. I know in my head that its not because of parenting, our 4 boys are all well behaved, polite and even tempered. My heart, however, leaves me wondering daily where I have failed my girl. What have I done that has created so much anger in such a small child. Why can’t my baby be HAPPY?
Thank you for posting this, I really did think I was alone. I see some hope, just because I know others have survived, and I will too.
Thank u for sharing your experience. I would really like to recommend you check out a program for self-regulation by Dr. Becky Bailey. It’s called Conscious Discipline. She teaches 5 steps to self regulation and I think it will really benefit both you and your son. There is a website: http://www.consciousdiscipline.com. The self regulation book is called Managing Emotional Mayhem. Parent and teacher seminars are offered all over the country.
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I have an intense little guy too, and I want to be a better mom/person for him and because of him. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on such a “taboo” topic.
Thanks for sharing this. It was timely.
THANK YOU! I cried reading this! I feel so awful and alone a lot, as I have 4 boys aged 4, 2 and twins 1. It is hard being a single mother who stays home all the time with them and then my 4 yr old starts up with this extreme anger! I feel it is rubbing off on my other boys because they look up to him. I know Im going on and on I just feel better to have read this, thank you again!
The loneliness is so terrible. I might not have the answers of what you should do in those intense moments, but do know you’re not the only one trying to figure this out. Thanks for reading, and all my best to you and your kiddos.
Thanks for this beautifully written post. I have an intense child– maybe not an ‘angry’ child like you describe….but SO intense with big emotions and it’s been difficult lately. It’s comforting to read your words.
This brought tears to my eyes. This is my philosophy: that these children were given us for a reason: to help us grow, to overcome the same tendencies we posses (perhaps to a lesser degree but there all the same), and because we have the capacity and honour to love them and see the beauty in them xxx
That is beautiful Isabel, thank you.
Wow, this speaks of my child! Over the past year, I have been learning that my child is not being difficult on purpose or just disobedient, he is a spirited-sometimes-angry-knows-what-he-wants kid. He is about to turn 3 and just like others have mentioned, he has many moments where he is the sweetest, most thoughtful kid. But other times I wonder how I could have prevented this or what I could have done differently. Our biggest struggle right now is his anger and aggression towards his 13 month old brother. He bites, hits, pushes, throws toys, gets so angry if he comes anywhere near him or his toys. I’m talking, screaming and tensing up with all that he has until he blows and hurts him somehow. I would LOVE advice on how to handle this problem as the typical solutions (timeout, taking toys away, etc.) don’t work with his personality.
What a beautiful post. Thank you for writing it.
Alissa,
Thank you! My child is angry and I am currently trying to “figure it out”. Those good days are great and are more often. But bad, angry days keep us on our toes. The hardest part is feeling out of control myself. I am learning from his anger, to believe in myself, have faith, ask for help, and gain perspective, often. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I feel less alone and less scared.
I am in tears right now. Tears of happiness and sadness both. Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you oh and THANK YOU for writing this. I cannot explain what a blessing it is. Our 3 year old is a challenge. There are normal 3 year old problems and then there is our little Isaac. I have sensed something “different” about him. He gets really mad…head strong. Strong willed..whatever you want to call it. I often am embarrassed to even to take him out places, even to family get togethers. I feel like I’m always making excuses (he is tired, etc) for him when his temper comes out. Some days feel like I’ll never get through them. But..knowing I am not alone (duh but sometimes you feel alone! Like everyone else’s children are so perfect and sweet) it helps so much …and when you said how you wish other’s could not just see the “dark” but see his amazing “light” this is how I feel! Because he has so many great moments and when the light is shining it shines so bright and he is just such a smart incredible loving sweet little boy..that has a quick temper at times! I feel like I can now look at him and stop trying to fix him (though continue to instill our family values) but stop trying to make him someone he is not. He is a beautiful little person and I trust and know that God has a plan for his life. I can now just accept our relationship as it is and most important..accept HIM for who he is..temper and all! It hurts my feelings when family members make comments about him and talk about him behind his back…he is only 3..and though he may be different then his older brother in some ways..he still deserves the same love and treatment that his brother gets. I hate that they treat our toddler different just because he is difficult sometimes. I REFUSE to do this..he will know that his mom dad and brother love him no matter WHAT he is like. Thank you again for this so much I’m going to read it and re read it over and over again till I have it memorized! So that I will never forget. May God bless you !!!
This post made me tear up. It’s so hard sometimes, knowing angry children and knowing that you are doing your best, whether it be as teacher, mentor, coach or parent. Thank you for your honesty.
Thank you for writing this inspiring article. I am the mother of an angry son. I read the article with empathy and had a few”ah ha” moments. It felt like you just wrote a page out of my life. It’s nice to know that I am not the only one with doubts and fears. I’m not a writer and I do not know how to express the feeling I had while reading this. I just want to say you gave me things to think about and I will be adding this page to my favorites so that I can reread this when Im having a bad day.
Thank you and hugs back
Thank you Kathy, it feels like such a big and unwieldy thing to write about to me. I am just so upclose to my own situation, you know, it can be really hard to get enough space from it to write about it. I try to share what little bits of realization that I have because so many times it is simple a few sentences from a blog or a conversation with a friend that keeps me sane or puts me back on track.
The best piece of advice I ever got from a parenting book was “Love the one you’re with.”
Don’t berate yourself because they aren’t fitting your expectations or society’s expectations. Don’t try and jam them into a mold of what you think a child “should” be. Love them for who they are. Most kids who have a behavioral anomaly are also exceptionally sweet, insightful, creative, etc when not in the throws of an “episode.” Treasure that.
While I fully can accept my children imperfections as I recognise my own flaws, I am very anxious how they would turn out as they grow up. Will being an angry child mean growing into an angry adult? Irony is that the one whose tantrums I grapple with, was an easy baby. As he grows, is it passive-aggressiveness that I should find out more or how I manage my own temper? While this post is assuring, I have yet to arrive at the stage where I cannot ‘ignore society’s expectations’.
You might already be doing this as part of your dietary restrictions, but have you tried cutting artificial colors, flavors, and possibly preservatives? The colors, some flavors, and BHA BTA and TBHQ preservatives are petroleum derivatives, which have been shown to cause behavioral issues in kids with ADD/ADHS, ASD, and SPD. (Not every child who is sensitive to dyes is also sensitive to the flavors or preservatives, or even to each one within a category. I’ve just found it’s easier to avoid them all, rather than make us all crazy with a trial-and-error.) Also, a natural colorant, annatto, which is found in cheddar products, has been linked to some kids pulling hair, banging their head, and behavioral tantrums. My kid’s fine on that, thank goodness, since it’s in so many all-natural products!
My daughter’s night terrors went away when we ditched the dyes too. You can find out more through the Feingold Institute, or at diefooddye.com or whydie.com
What an amazingly honest story, thanks for sharing. My children are all grown up, but I have six amazing grandchildren , three girls and three boys.
The boys have had their share of anger when they come to visit, but in all fairness to them so have the girls. All you can do is have patience and love, love , love. And no matter how little quiet and fun time you have with them, they will always reflect back on it as they grow older. Keep on blogging and “Big hug ” back to you. 🙂
Ive done so much research into disorders such as ODD, anxiety & depression just trying to find some answers for our sons often angry behavior. As a mother we feel responsible for our childrens behavior and try to guide all of them into one mold. Thank you for posting this article! I have a 4 1/2 year old whose temperment has always been angry/frustrated/negative/violent, etc. We try many different things to stop/prevent it (ignoring it/giving it no attention & taking the power of those actions away, time outs, taking things away, rewarding positive behavior, etc) , whatever he responds most happily with at that moment should we be in public (talking to him, trying to understand what he’s upset about, bargaining, etc). Anything to keep him happy and us from dealing with another episode. We also have a 3 year old and a 9 month old, trying to teach them to not follow his behavior has been tough, along with trying to keep him from lashing out on them (&us) every time he gets angry. It often feels like a long lonely road (especially in the grocery store full of so many harsh, critical & judgemental people!) so THANK YOU for showing me that we are not alone! Best of luck & love to you & your family!
You might look into avoiding artificial colors. It has been linked to behavioral issues in kids with certain conditions, such as ADD/ADHD, SPD and ASD, but my daughter hasn’t been diagnosed with anything and it made her random angries and night terrors go away when we cut them out. So I’m guessing there are other sensitive kids out there without an official “condition” as well.
This was a little painful for me to read, because, though I don’t think our case is quite as extreme, I can really, really relate, especially the part about accepting that this child is not your “easy one.” I too have a hard time relating to my more intense, and at the same time less able to work through her emotions, older child. And I’ve also been slapped with the realization that I may not have the bandage to “fix” her. I say it to myself all the time (she’s amazing the way she is, she has all the tools she needs to survive in this world, other people can reach her in ways I can’t), but believing it is another story. I freak when I get feedback from teachers that’s less than positive. And I panic about not getting enough help for her — or overdoing it and relying too much on outside resources versus my own instincts. It’s scary! I have to believe that love and never losing sight of letting that child be his or her own person is CRUCIAL will see them through.
That said, may I ask at what point you decided to get help for the sensory issues and what prompted it? Now that my daughter is entering 2nd grade and we’re considering testing for ADHD (it’s not a foregone conclusion, IMO), I’m wondering if I missed some signs of sensory issues along the way.
Thanks for sharing your insights. It IS hard being a parent, even harder being a parent who refuses to let their child be put into convenient little boxes with neat little labels. I commend you for your approach and for your willingness to share with others.
You might look into avoiding artificial colors. It has been linked to behavioral issues in kids with certain conditions, such as ADD/ADHD, SPD and ASD. My daughter fits what a book I read calls a “Highly Sensitive Child” so her brain is wired slightly differently already, very similar to some sensory-processing disorder and ADD symptoms. She hasn’t been diagnosed with anything, but cutting the artificial colors, flavors, and preservatives made her random angries and night terrors go away. So I’m guessing there are other sensitive kids out there without an official “condition” as well. (Highly Sensitive Personality is often misdiagnosed as ADD too. If the sun seems brighter, baths seem hotter, or food seems spicier to your daughter, she might have a Highly Sensitive Personality too. “The Highly Sensitive Child” and “Raising Your Spirited Child” are great books.)
Thanks. I’m fairly conscious of dyes and all kinds of other artificial additives. Our diet is far from perfect, but I try to be careful while not going to the extreme of eliminating any particular category outright. Why? Because I see too many parents making themselves really, really anxious over this stuff and my aim is to teach my children to make good choices when out in the world. Some small victories I’ve attained by going about it this way: my daughter refuses to eat those really dye-heavy birthday cakes that show up at so many parties; she won’t drink soda, ever; and she will often walk away from from a dessert that she hasn’t finished yet just because she has gotten her fill. I’m proud of those and I believe always emphasizing for her what healthful eating truly means, it will sink in. That said, most of the time I can’t bring myself to buy anything made with artificial dyes. Exception: M&Ms. Darnit if we aren’t all suckers for those things in my house. 🙁 It’s becoming a more and more rare treat though.
These book recommendations are great. I remember reading about “Raising Your Spirited Child” once before. I am definitely adding that one to my list!
I think a lot of what comes across as anger with her is really anxiety. Since she was 16 months (and until she was 5 so it was a pretty short period of time), we moved 5 times. One of those moves was beyond stressful, as a job my husband was promised fell through and we ended up living with his mom for 6 months. Since then she’s started (and completed) preschool, we’ve bought a home (the 5th move), had another baby, and then she started kinder and then 1st grade. That’s a lot of changes in a short span! She’s definitely sensitive and intense in nature and I am — disorganized. So all of those moves and changes caused chaos that was not good for either of us, and prompted anxiety on my part that filtered down to her. I have definitely been learning some better techniques for handling her temper tantrums (and my own reaction to all manner of things), and have been researching exercises and good practices to help increase her attention span. It’s true, she may have ADHD, I think it remains to be seen, but I’m not remotely convinced about the sensory thing. Teachers have thrown that term out there but when I read descriptions of kids with sensory issues I don’t think it really fits my child (except that she chews a lot — probably related to anxiety IMO). So we’ll see. We are taking it slowly and doing LOTS of homework on all of it. I’m in no rush to treat her for a perceived condition just to make her teachers happy. 🙂 (Though I do want teachers to view her in a positive light and for her school years to be positive, so that concerns me quite a bit…it’s all a balancing act.)
Thanks for your great feedback.
Hi, thank you so much for you honest and heartfelt reply. I got goosebumps reading it and feeling that same swirl of confusion and pain when you wonder if you’re doing the right thing.
We actually started sensory integration OT when he was 18 mos. We worked through our states early intervention program which provides services through age 3. After that age state offers services through the school system, which is one route you can take. Another thing might be to get recommendations for a children’s Occupational Therapist in your area who works with sensory integration and see if you can get an appointment to talk to them. Many pediatricians are not familiar with sensory integration disorders, but it probably is worth asking yours about it if they have any resources to send your way.
I think, if you have a hunch that sensory issues might be part of the picture, it is worth looking into because so many of the tools for dealing with sensory issues are simple things that you can do just as part of your day to day routine.
You can look for this book at your library and see if stuff in it hits home for you: The Out-of-Sync Child: Recognizing and Coping with Sensory Processing Disorder
And you can find a ton of resources about sensory integration on the author’s website here: https://out-of-sync-child.com/resources/
Good luck, and thanks for reading!
Thank you so much! I feel that you are a very generous soul and the community of readers here is so warm and supportive. Thank you, really, for putting so much out there and helping others in the process. We parents can learn so much from each other. 🙂
I explained above in another reply that I’m not really convinced we have a sensory issue — but at least two teachers have used the term (personally I’m afraid they’re using it a little loosely — perhaps in an attempt to avoid throwing the ADD/ADHD terms out there which is misguided but their hands are tied in a way) and so we will discuss it with her doctors when we next meet with them (we’re in the process of talking to them about ADHD but we’re proceeding VERY slowly and arming ourselves with as much information as possible). I plan to ask them for referrals to both a psychologist and an Occupational Therapist if they feel it is warranted. I’m also interested in meeting with a nutritionist. My feeling is there are so many ways to approach every problem, but at the same time so much of what society/the educational system sees as a “problem” is really just an intelligent, bright kid trying to find his/her place. That’s why we’re taking our time, looking at this from many angles, and hopefully avoiding putting her on drugs until we have something resembling hard proof that what is going on with her warrants that. Her anger and anxiety could be linked to ADHD, or they could just be the cause of her inability to sit still, or it could just be that we’ve had too many changes and she’s not truly settled. I don’t want to rush to assume anything! But it’s great to have a resource like this site. 🙂
sorry, P, Reis, I mean to reply to Tiffany below.
I need sleep, I do see I replied to the right person. The thread has gotten long so I wasn’t keeping up. =)
I agree with the a lot of the comments from Ludicrous Mama. I have a highly sensitive daughter, and sometimes I wonder if I should ever get her tested for SPD. Looking back in time, she may have had regulatory issues (SPD) before age 2 years old, but her screaming and ability to cope with change, sleep, and separation, has improved dramatically over time. So over time I have seen a huge improvement in her extreme behaviors. I say the time to seek outside help is when you feel like your family can’t cope with the behaviors and/or when it is adversely affecting her ability to succeed academically and/or socially. It’s never wrong to seek help for your child because we are only parents. We aren’t doctors, psychologists, or therapists.
Thank you for sharing.
Parenting is the hardest job I have ever done.
Nice to know we do not struggle alone, even though at times it may feel that way.
Sending Love <3<3 to you and your family.
Absolutely beautiful post! You are an amazing parent.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I have a 5-1/2 yr old son who is brilliant and creative and can get so angry it scares me. He does meet the criteria for sensory processing issues and we do the feingold diet to the best of our ability (we do no allow food dye of any sort, but the preservatives sneak in occasionally). It got so bad when he started kindergarten last fall that I actually got him into some play therapy with a counselor. That has helped, but I think the greatest thing that helped me is learning how to control MY anger and learning to love my little boy and realizing he is still young, although he sounds like an adult when he talks. I also try to follow a routine, and make sure he gets plenty of sleep (our pediatrician recommended melatonin 1/2 hr before bedtime and it has been a godsend; he was never able to calm down before, and I felt like I was being held hostage for 2-3 hours every night). Anyway, just wanted to say how much I appreciate knowing I’m not the only one, and that I didn’t cause his, I’m just called to deal with it. A friend told me God gave Austin the perfect mom for him, because I am loving and caring and do my best to understand.
Honestly brought tears to my eyes, it was like you were describing my household! Its exhausting feeling like a “bad ” parent. My precious boy has done exactly what youve described here and then some. Thank you for helping me see that I am not alone. Has it been taxing on your marriage? I only ask because there has been several arguments with my spouse about the proper ways to deal with “breakdowns” and parenting differences have come to light for sure!
Thank you for sharing! I have an intense 20 month old and I’m working through the struggle of accepting that she is who she is and my job is to love her intensity and help her navigate the world without feeling ashamed or that she is too much or that she should be different. But it sucks and is lonely, isn’t it.
What a beautiful, powerful post. Thank you so much for having the courage to share.
Thanks Carla.
You have really touched me with your honesty. If and when your son reads this as he grows up he will know how you love him unconditionally, because he is your special boy.
I often feel that I am imperfect as a mother, most certainly flawed as I struggle daily to remain calm (wow…doesn’t a good nights sleep help!)…but everyday my 2 beautiful boys help me grow as a person as I keep striving to do my best for them. They’ll get there, I know they will, and they’ll know that no matter how many times they hit out or scream & shout I will love them because they are funny & feisty & clever & mischievous & loving & playful & imaginative & individual …
Big hug back to you x
Sleep helps SO much! Even then I have days where I just don’t know what to do, where I break down in to having a tantrum with my child (or at my child…) I am grateful for each new parenting tool I learn, as they help reduce the times I fly off the handle. I’m also grateful that by having a child who pushes me to my limits so often, on the good days things can go REALLY well because it feels so easy 🙂
Alissa, you brought tears to my eyes as I read this. Thank you for your honesty and openness. The thing that struck me the most was your admission of trying to so hard to do what was right by your son but falling down somewhat in learning to accept him. I think this is something ALL parents struggle with. It’s amazing how our hopes and expectations seep into our relationships with our children even at such a young age. Thanks for providing me with some much needed perspective.
Yes! Sometimes you don’t even realize the hopes or expectations you have, and while I think it’s perfectly natural to hope for certain things with your children, when those hopes are keeping you from seeing the reality of where you are, or keeping you from embracing your child as they truly are, then they become a problem. Thanks you for your kind words.
Thank you for posting. Your words are a beacon in the storm.
Thank you for bravely sharing your story. As the parent of an angry child, I know how harshly others can judge. For those of you dealing with the same struggle, I suggest you read The Explosive Child, by Ross Greene. It changed my life. It saved me as a parent.
Thanks Rose, yes, great book. It is one of the books I recommend in this post about books for positive parenting: http://bouncebackparenting.com/great-books-for-positive-parenting/. I find it more applicable to older kids (I mean…like over 5 or so) but even when I first looked at it when my son was 2 I found things I could use.
Another favorite book that really helped alter the way I think about my son is Raising Your Spirited Child Rev Ed: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic
And I really love the parenting books and philosophy of Bonnie Harris
she has a way of making me feel like I can do this and that I am not a crummy parent.
Thank you so much for your post! We had our first BIG outburst at Target today, and I was feeling like a failure as a parent! I know everyone was watching me as I attempted to get my angry child out of the store kicking and screaming…can’t wait to read the suggested books! Earlier I felt defeated, now I feel hopeful.
This is my first time to your website, and I love your post. My son is now 14 and it is wonderful to know that I am not alone in my struggle with parenting this type of personality. He has not outgrown the anger, as I had hoped that he would, but in most ways we have learned to fine tune the dance of our differences. Thank you for sharing.
Cher, I see you state that your son is 14 and still angry. have you found anything to help? I love my son and yet am exhausted at the very thought of going places with him. I keep searching and praying for answers or help. Has anything worked for you?
Kathleen
Mother of my very own Oscar the Grouch