Done with the Power Struggles of Time Out
I am furious. I am standing at the kids bedroom door locked in a physical struggle to hold the door closed while my mind is struggling to keep me from slamming the door open into the shrieking child behind it. Thankfully the final shred of my mothering sanity wins and I jerk myself away from the door unleashing the screaming little boy from his “time-out”. I storm away into my room, out through the back door and into the backyard. I count to myself to dampen the anger. I breath. I can still hear him crying behind me as I try to regain my calm so I can start over.
I Don’t Think This Is Working…
The episode I just mentioned is just one of our experiments with using time-out. Over the years I’ve tried variations on time-out with my kids.
1, 2, 3 – Ok, now you have to sit for 3 minutes
In your room
In the bathroom
In this chair
You hit, you sit
Time-out means so many different things to so many different people. What I mean above is that we’ve tried a number of variations on the more formalized time-out as consequence, sitting in one spot for a certain period of time.
It’s been mildly effective at times – it’s taught me about where I have a hard time enforcing consistent rules and it’s helped us ratchet down the chaos sometimes when every day was feeling like a battle.
However, most often it has only been the spark to yet another power struggle.
With my middle child, I finally came to a realization that between his personality and mine, trying to enforce this type of time-out was likely to end in child abuse, so I started searching for other ways to discipline.
What I’ve learned about Time Out in Our Family:
Ok, sometimes, it works. We all have times when we need a break to collect ourselves and calm down. This kind of calm-down and chill-out time can help, but if I try to make it a One Size Fits All consequence it causes fury. Which leads us to the next point.
It makes us angry – me and the kids. When Time Out means a prescribed number of minutes and a child sitting in a specific spot it tends to lead to powers struggles. I feel like an idiot trying to physically make my child stay in that spot. And, at least with one of my kids, that child will not stay in that spot separated from me unless forced to. This means that when instead of feeling calm I feel more and more angry when I’m unable to get things under control.
It makes at least one of my children feel scared and unwanted. (He’s told me as much.) This breach in our relationship then takes time to heal. When he feels disconnected from me he is more likely to act out in angry and unhelpful ways.
Taking my own time-out, however, is an extremely effective way for me to stop a Mama Tantrum. The more often my kids have seen me do this, the more they have become willing to take their own calm-down time-outs. However, when I’ve tried to force the calm-down time to happen it usually just adds fuel to the fire.
Sometimes when tempers flare, doing a sensory activity helps us calm down so we can find a solution.
What to do instead of time-out?
The answer I’m finding is a multi-pronged approach to discipline – not trying to make one thing the answer. Many of the tools I’ve been putting in plae I’ve found in the Positive Parenting Solutions Course by Amy McCready. I host quarterly webinars with Amy and I’m an affilaite of hers, since she’s been so helpful for my household. I’m hosting a free webinar with Amy February 13th, 2014 if you’d like to learn some new techniques. Here are some things that work:
- I’m giving myself permission to take time and think. I can get through the immediate crisis and then come back to talk about the misbehavior later when everyone is calm instead of thinking they’ll learn something while everyone is upset.
- I’ve been doing more work to connect to my kids to help avoid conflicts. When the kids feel positive attention from me, they have less need to draw my attention with negative behaviors. You can subscribe to my newsletter if you’d like to receive ideas regularly for simple ways to connect.
- I’ve been teaching my boys how to work out their own disagreements to reduce hitting.
- When necessary I’ve been implementing consequences that relate to what is happening. When I don’t know what to do, I use the consequence of, “You need to pick up five things.” I’ve told them, “If you add to the chaos in this house you need to do something to help bring peace.” My 7 year old mentions his interpretation of this rule in an interview I did with him about what to do if you’re mad at your kids:
What if parents have something really important they want to tell their kids?
If you’re trying to tell your kids not to hit, but they keep hitting, spanking them or hitting them or really loudly yelling doesn’t work. What you want to do is tell them to go clean up five things. That’s something that can help you tell them you’re serious and it can’t hurt them in any way. So every time your kids hit or if it turns into a fight, ask them to pick up five things if they can’t figure out a solution. ~James (7)
If Time Out has been a source of power struggles and tears in your house and you’d like to learn more about ways to get your kids to cooperate without nagging, I am fortunate to be able to offer readers a FREE LIVE training webinar on February 13th from 9-10 PM Eastern Time. Please join me as I host Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions & TODAY Show contributor, for this webinar called, “Getting Kids To Listen” Seats are limited, do RSVP so you can join us!
What about you? Have you used some variation of time-out? Has it been helpful? Do you take “mama time outs?” I found I was turning to time-out as a consequence when I had no idea what else to do. What do you do when you face a situation like that?
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For my first child, who as a toddler always wanted to be next to me, our version of time out was sending her to her room for a number of minutes, where she could do nothing or read. She always chose to read and then didn’t want to stop reading when her time was up, which was fine with me. She learned that reading was a way to calm herself and that it was something enjoyable to do independently as well. Years later, she is still an avid reader. This didn’t work for my second daughter however….
At our house it’s often the toy that has to go to time out. If the blocks can’t stay out of the air then they need a time out until they can remember how to behave inside. It immediately removes whatever they are focused on and often that is enough to dial back the problem level. And toys can stay in time out indefinitely. This saves my sanity if a toy siren or instrument is ruining the baby’s naptime or just cranking up my frustration level.
I like the idea of focusing on the toy and “now this toy will have a rest until it doesn’t hit anymore.” Also, I like the phrase “I don’t like to be hit.” and be prepared to say it over and over and over, and if necessary, hold the child just out of reach of hitting you.
Everyone, your child included, is trying out strategies to try and get what they want. The job for the grown-ups to to show the child what strategies we like and by imitation they can begin to use those strategies.
As an example, whining to get what you want. The child continues to use that strategy because it works – a parent eventually can’t take the whining and gives in to what the child is whining for. But if the whining fails to achieve the goal of getting what she wants, then the whining goes away.
There is nothing inherently wrong or bad about the strategy – especially if it works. The problem is that other people are not happy with the strategy. So the grown-ups have to give examples of other strategies that they would rather see.
I love this, thank you for posting. We are early in the process of figuring out what works for us and having some trouble with our 2.5 year old hitting when she is not sure how to connect with someone. One thing that we do as a sort of modified time out is that if she hits with a toy or if she is having trouble sharing a toy or something then the thing will take a time out. That has had some effectiveness.
Was wondering if you ever have problems with your other children when one is in time out? I have one particularly defiant toddler who is in trouble a lot more than his 4 year old brother. Spankings are not effective, time outs are a fight, I was thinking of doing a time in – maybe with a calming activity (like those glitter jars) but I always feel bad my other child is getting punished in a different way. I try to make it up to him later but it’s never fair or I’m then giving the little one another chance at being “free” of my attention for a minute and he’ll get into something again. Thanks for any advice, already signed up for your webinar!
With my third, timeout has worked like a charm. He’s terrified of having to sit at the bottom of the stairs. With my first boy, timeout was kind of a joke. To this day getting that son of mine to follow any sort of traditional punishments is pretty impossible. I wish I would have read this years ago when I couldn’t understand why time-out wasn’t working, why I was failing so poorly at punishing my son. Thank you for sharing what can be such a huge and truly unnecessary struggle.
Those kids who are less easy to discipline sure have a lot to teach us, don’t they? Exhausting sometimes…I’m a better parent for it, I think, but definitely a more tired one too 🙂
Your description in the beginning was me literally 2 days ago. I was furious and I scared myself being so mad at my 3 year old, and that’s when I realized that these “time outs” to “calm down” we’re NOT working, only escalating the situation. Exactly like you said, I can see it taking time for my toddler to regain my trust and he acts out in anger. Makes me feel like the worst mom ever. I look forward to the webinar. Since the other day I just try to hug him and hold him very calmly because I can see so much emotion coming out of this little person, I feel like he needs a safe place.
Anyway, this post was an answer to my prayers, thank you so much.
Time out? “In most cases it is that the child has become upset and demanding when their needs were not met. As mentioned earlier, all behavior is based on attempting to meet needs. Young children lack the ability to meet their own needs, in trust they depend on adults to make sure their needs are met. Rest, food, warmth, safety in play situations, etc… all are needs that adults must see to for the young child. Additionally, young children tolerate frustration even less well than adults, and are less likely to be able to identify their own frustrated need that is upsetting them. Being put in a time-out prolongs the time that a child feels upset about their frustrated need that stimulated their ‘misbehavior.’ What exacerbates this increasingly uncomfortable state of being frustrated is the fact that the child is alone, away from the adults who they rely on for meeting their needs. Separation from the trusted adult, a main source of comfort and security, adds to the challenge of the situation for a child. The child feels this as
punishment.
Moreover, being alone in time-out can lead to feelings of fear and anxiety. Being alone and in time-out increases the frustrations felt by a child who is already feeling frustrated. For the frustrated and uncomfortable child, time-out offers enforced silence and the need to squash whatever feeling he was having that led to the time-out. Time-out tells a child that uncomfortable emotions need to be ignored and denied in himself. Children learn to ignore their feelings of hurt and anger. They learn to repress their painful feelings. In some children, nervous habits arise to distract them form their uncomfortable feelings such as nail biting and thumb sucking. As a result, being unaware of feelings can often become a habit for the child as he grows into adulthood.” -from my book, “Connecting With Young Children”
It always always always depends on the child. You cannot generalize all children like this. Timeout worked WONDERFULLY with my child and still does (he’s 7). He barely needs time out and was always very well behaved. He is the most loving child I know, but that quiet time alone was exactly what he needed. He was able to calm down and finally put into words his feelings after he sat there in quiet, and he knew I would be right there to talk to him about it and hug and kiss him afterward. But that is MY child based on his personality. Every child, parent, and situation is different. You just can’t judge others’ parenting decisions because you have no idea what their situation is or what their specific child needs. There is no instruction manual for raising children!
What I found to be most successful with my 5 children and now my grandchildren is this:
When they are doing something that is not socially appropriate or safe, or they are just being mean and nasty, I will first try to talk to them to see what is “really” going on inside them. IF they are not co-operative during this OR I feel that talking will not be helpful first – I will immediately send them to their room – even if it is shared by a sibling.
They are told to stay there till they can me nice and they are welcome to come out again. THEY CHOOSE – THEY DECIDE when they are ready to be social again or ready to continue what they were doing. If they return and STILL continue inappropriate behavior, they are told to go back. If it is necessary, I will escort them back.
What happens I found is that they realize that they are the ones that control their time away from the family. They are not subject to a time frame of my choosing but only subject to my choosing if they have made at good choice in returning. There are softly, gently, and humbly complimented for the right choice when they have decided to return AND told that I enjoy having them with me/us. When they got older I would not always compliment because it was not always (most of the time I did though) comfortable for them.
This needs to be consistent as possible and sometimes it required food cooking to be turned off or preparation of things or working with things halted.
Being consistent, patient, authoritative (respectfully), and graciousness on the part of the adult helps it to really work.
I would give 1 to 2 warnings depending on the situation but acted IMMEDIATLY after the warning.
AND if one feels that they should not have the privilege to “play” in their room – baloney!
I will escape to my room and “play” to calm myself at times too. Many times it is THEIR space and THEIR comfort area that helps to calm and reflect.
I was wondering if this is recorded anywhere? I am so bummed that I missed it. I am trying to figure out what can work for my almost 2.5 year old.
It’s so hard, Tammy!! Time In is a life saver. If it can work with a kid from an orphanage background, it can work for anyone. I enjoy Ahaparenting.com for advice, as well. Has worked really, really well.
We tried timeouts with my son, it only made him angrier as he wasn’t getting whatever need or feeling he had resolved. I now use timeouts or “break time” as I call it, when I see a change in behavior that is likely to turn into bad behavior. We go to his room together for a few minutes and either lay in bed quietly, read a book, or look out his window. It’s not a punishment yet, because he hasn’t done anything wrong yet, but it gives him time to come back from either the frustration trigger (sister, toy not working right, not getting his own way) or from any sensory overload he’s having (he’s typically developing). We very rarely have to discipline him anymore not sure if that’s because he’s growing out of behaviors (4 now) or because my approach has been working.
As a child and adolescent mental health counselor, I see both sides of the coin. I believe that time out can be a great way for a child to learn self-quieting skills. So if they are really upset about something and throwing a fit, sending them to their room can be a way of teaching them how to eventually do that for themselves.
I do marital counseling on the side and one thing I teach couples is that when one person is escalated, they need to take space and calm down because no good will come out of a conflict when adrenaline and cortisol is flying through the body. Shouldn’t we begin teaching children this when they are little?
AND I thin mama time outs are great idea too. ESPECIALLY if the child refuses to go to time out or their room. I often tell parents that by taking themselves out of the situation and removing themselves from the child, in a way they are still giving the child a time out because they no longer have the parent’s attention.
we do reparation in our family. Our children are also adopted and we don’t do time out with them but bring them closer for the big, scary feelings. They are 5 and 7 but emotionally around 3yrs old. So, they have the intellect to with consequences but not always to emotional ability to sort themselves out. We say in a really calm (often faked) tone ‘ I can see how cross you are but you need to remember that if you break the toy it costs x amount and you will need to replace it. I can see you need a cuddle, are you ready for a cuddle?’ or if we have already had the action the we wait for the child to calm down and make their reparation. Sometimes it is financial but usually it is clearing up whatever they have done and saying sorry. We have waited 2 hours on occasion for them to be ready to say sorry and make reparation but it really works and it is very respectful. My children always feel better once they have made it better. They have a deep sense of fair and this appeals to it.
When my son took all the keys from my husbands keyboard, after we had explained how much it would cost to replace earlier in the day, he actually came and asked ‘how much is rebebation of this, mummy?’ Which was how we discovered what he had done. I was bowled over that he had made a mistake, sorted himself out enough to know he was going to need to do something about it and confessed. I think because we are really calm and we then start with a clean slate they don’t have to feel shame or deal with anger but they do have to deal with the consequences. Sometimes they even think of ways to make it better themselves and you can see they are genuinely sorry after the the event.
I agree that time out is fine for some children and that if you use it for calming down it is very effective but we can’t send our children away without making it worse and by taking my parent power out of the equation I don’t have to be furious that I told them not to do something and they did it anyhoo. They get pocket money and they earn money from chores so they usually have more money that us anyway. I think that teaching them responsibility for their actions has been one the best things we could have done, we found it somewhere on the internet years ago.
Thanks for your tips Gina. It sounds like your kids are getting to learn that the bad news is – we make mistakes, but the good news is there are ways to make amends, to make reparations. Very nice.
I have a five year old daughter and a two year old son they are constantly fighting. Time out never works, and i’ve tried the give them chores (five things to pick up) and they just refuse. I’m tired of yelling, spanking, time out, and my own break downs from constant disobedience and disrespect. Any advise to a Stay At home mother of TWO VERY strong willed children.
Try Time In instead of Time Out as described above. I’ve found that having a connection with the child (instead of being separated) with both of us sitting together helps for us both to calm down. Then we can discuss what happened. Obviously, that connection through a time of consequence for bad behavior will pay dividends years down the road too. I figure if it works and is recommended for kids who have spent time in orphanages (like mine) it’s got to work for kids who had a “normal” start in life too! The course Because They Waited by Heart of the Matter Seminars is FANTASTIC information on child brain development for any parent. When I watched it (it is required for most people adopting internationally) I wondered why this stuff wasn’t handed out to everyone! They also give wonderful parenting advice based on what you learn. That knowledge has really helped me to stay calm during the “Terrible Two’s.” Best of luck!
I guess I’ll be the person who raises my hand and says I use time-outs and they work!!
I use the technique I learned from Supernanny Jo Frost, starting at about 18 months when we first encountered tantrums. I still, very occasionally, need to give my 4 year old a time out. However usually just the warning of an impending time out is sufficient. I’ve given her time outs any place where she’s had inappropriate behavior. Grocery stores, parks, friends’ houses, on walks, on vacation — it makes no difference where we are or who is looking. And I think that follow-through is why it works. I do the same procedure each and every time, so it’s very familiar to her and she knows exactly what’s happening. I never hold a grudge, so she gets a clean slate once she’s apologized and we’ve had a kiss and cuddle. There’s no nagging or bringing it up again. She did her time. I DO take into consideration if she is overtired, sick, hungry etc and cut her a little slack – however I do let her know that while I understand she isn’t 100%, there are still rules and if you break the rules then a time-out will follow. Mostly that works, but sometimes a really tired kid who refuses to come to the bathroom for teeth brushing before bed will still get a time out. It’s good to remind her sometimes that there just certain rules and I won’t budge on those. I don’t “sweat the small stuff” and keep the rules few and simple to avoid these scenarios. So I must be a freak because the time outs work for us!
I have been struggling with time outs so this is perfect timing! With my older son, we did time outs like Ariel described and they worked quite well. He’s now 9 and we find it more effective to take away his electronics if needed. My issue is with my 4 1/2 yr old twin boys. Time outs work for them maybe 50% of the time if only one of them needs one and not at all if they need one at the same time. With one boy it does sometimes help to hold him on my lap and talk about the behavior that way. More often than not they get done with the time out and repeat the behavior that got them there which is frustrating. I see that maybe they are doing it for the attention and try to sit down with them and read or play a game, but that still doesn’t stop the behavior. Tonight they were both not listening or making good choices and ended up in time out. It wasn’t going well (not staying, being silly) and my husband and I were getting upset. Before we lost our temper I put them each in a bedroom upstairs and then everyone was fine. That’s not always going to work but it did this time 🙂
For adopted children, like my son who is from Ethiopia, they recommend “Time In.” It is the BEST!!! The parent is an active participant. We have a spot in the middle of the room (not in a corner or against a wall) where we are together. The only thing that we discuss for that time (one minute for each year they are old, like many time out methods) is what happened, what we could do about it, how it made us feel, etc. – whatever is appropriate for their age, staying calm and trying to keep anger in check. At the end of the Time In we talk how we want to act next time, Levi says the Amharic for “I’m sorry” (has been a great regular use of his native tongue!), we tell him we love him, and we kiss. He then goes around and apologizes and kisses anyone that was affected, even sometimes the dogs (say he pulled their hair or something). It is short, easy, we are connected, we learn, it ends with love, there is a consequence for his actions…it is FANTASTIC. And after the Time In there is no grudge, no anger, it ends with love and we go back to having fun.
Time In has grown as Levi has. Sometimes I will walk around and continue to cook dinner while staying nearby and still making eye contact, for instance. Now if he throws a tantrum during Time In he knows that the time gets a bit longer. We sometimes have to set a timer so that he remembers that part of the consequence is the time spent away from “fun” (he started trying to say he was sorry right away just to get out of the consequence, etc.). You can tailor it for whatever developmental phase your child is in. I’ve even heard that people tailor it for teens – you have them come and help you with a chore as their “Time In,” and the time together frequently helps them open up about what is REALLY bothering them.
Anyway, it is some of the best advice we have ever gotten and really, really works. Such a positive method.
Every child is different, so you cannot expect all of them to react the same way. I hope people remember that…
We began time out with my first son at two and it worked wonders. I think it was in the way we approached it and what we did afterward that was what made it work, though. First of all, no matter what kind of disciplinary action you choose, it should always be done in a calm voice. If people try to do time outs and are angry themselves, it won’t work. We got a mat for my son and that was his time out mat. He would sit on it for a minute per year old he was (2 minutes when he was 2, etc.). Afterward, we would get down to his eye level and say something to the effect of, “You went in time out because… I did not like that because…” Then we would give him a hug, say I love you, and go on with business. Once he was old enough we had him articulate to us why he was in time out and what he should do differently next time. At the beginning he would get up off the mat or put a foot off trying to see what we’d do. Calmly I would put him back on the mat. I would do this every time until he learned that it just wasn’t worth trying anymore. To this day (my son is now 6) we still use time out and he is a very well-behaved child. Calmness and consistency I have found are the two main keys to any disciplinary action you decide to take.
Thanks for sharing what worked for you. I have a 7 month old, so we’ll see how he is in a year or so. I may have to use your tactics instead, we’ll just have to see what his personality is like!
That is what we have done with our almost three year old. I know he does stuff when h is over tired, but he stills needs something to let him know his behavior is not ok.
We don’t have a time limit, we just talk about why he is there and if he is ready to behave, if so he can come out.
It does seem like a power struggle at times, but with his age I don’t know what else to do.
Time outs work for us but I respect the fact that it doesn’t for everyone and it’s good for parents to have alternatives. Every child and family is different.
Thank you for posting this. I often have to hold the door close and if feels awful and I feel like it isn’t useful. I wish I could attend the webinar, but we have company coming, so looking forward to upcoming blog posts.
Hi Alissa,
I loved this post. I am impressed with your webinar offer too. I am toying with a Mindful Parenting EBook – interested in collaborating? 🙂 Not trying to self promote but I wrote a post on Time Outs a while back. Comments were overwhelming positive and not so positive. Parents really differ to the extreme on this topic especially if there is a special needs child involved in the scenario. Here is the link if you are interested: https://carrotsareorange.com/5-alternatives-time/
The article is a great start but I am so annoyed by bloggers starting topics and not finishing them. I cannot participate in a webinar so I feel that I just lost out. Why can’t you include alternatives and solutions in this article. Time out is no good, Great, NOW give me some alternative solutions otherwise you just make me feel lost. I do not want to yell, hit or power struggle with my child either but there has to discipline and consequences for actions so if timeout is not the way than please help us move forward and consider some other choices.
Hi Shiloh, a work in progress for me too! Hang in there! Alissa is lovely and I’m positive as she learns techniques, she will share with us! 🙂 I try to diffuse the situation as much as I can but not with diminished and acknowledgment of my son’s feelings! I never want laughter, albeit a greater healer, to make him feel that his anger or frustration was not warranted…or real. Work in progress..
This is really excellent—thank you for writing it. I think a lot of families choose to use Time Out as a tool instead of yelling or spanking, and it’s certainly a step up from those. But as you point out, it’s often still not very effective! Dr. Laura Markham has a related blog post this week about why any kind of punishment, including Time Out, is unlikely to get the results you want: https://www.ahaparenting.com/_blog/Parenting_Blog/post/how_to_enforce_limits_without_force/
There IS a productive way to use Time Out, but it’s not as a punishment—it’s as a genuine break. “Boy,” you say, “I’m upset and you’re upset! Let’s both take a time out and calm down before we try to solve this problem.” I’ve known families who’ve had tremendous success with JOINT time-outs—sitting together on the couch until everyone feels better. Or you could offer that as a choice: “We both need a break. Do you want to take a break with me on the couch, or do you want to hang out in your room until you’ve calmed down?” One of the keys is that this kind of time-out is self-regulated. The child is empowered to say, “I’m feeling better; I’m ready for time-out to be done.” You can also be in charge of helping the child learn to regulate in these moments: “I can tell you’re still upset, you still need to take a break before we’re ready to solve this problem.” Remarkably quickly even children as young as 2 learn what genuine self-control looks and feels like, and orients towards problem-solving.
Well said, Jarrod!
That’s exactly what I’ve done with my son who’s now 3. I think this strategy helps with self-regulation. Recently (when frustrated) he’s been saying aloud, “I’m really mad and I need some space to calm down.” He then walks himself away and comes back a few minutes later ready to talk! I’ve never used a timer or given him a limit of when he can return. I usually say. “It looks like you are mad and I’m frustrated. Let’s get some space from each other and talk about it when we’ve calmed down.” Our brains can think better and problem solve when we are both calm! You must always come back and talk so that it doesn’t become a way to avoid problems!
My two year old has a very strong opinion and to get her to do anything you have to make it seem like her idea. I like how you mentioned that you give yourself a time out to think. This happened the other night when I tried to give G her bath and took out one of her pigtails and the tantrum ensued followed by kicking, biting, struggling. I had to let go and back away because I wanted to pull my hair out! We went to her room, she got on her bed and I sat on the floor, she cried and I just focused on my breathing. I was able to come to the conclusion that she was over tired. She calmed down, I calmed down. I didn’t raise my voice, my hands or storm away from her. We were then able to comfort each other. I talked to her about it (not sure how much she took in, she is only two) but it made me feel better like I was making the right choice and reinforcing that I love her and I want her to be happy but at the same time she has to learn to listen to what mom and dad have to say.
I loved this post! I find time outs difficult for me and my son, so happy to have someone articulate the problem so well. You are such an inspiration!
I only tried time outs a couple times with my young daughter. I found the power struggle ratcheting up and quickly learned it wasn’t a strategy for me – I boiled over and acted in ways I am not proud. Instead, I began to place the *things* that were contributing to the issue into time out. Toys, books, and – as she has gotten older – electronic devices. Then she has to earn them back through appropriate behavior. I really like the Empowering Parents website for ideas. Instead of children learning to just wait out the time of the punishment, they have to learn how to behave appropriately in order to earn their privileges back.
I love this idea! Totally going to try it. Thanks!
We once heard a wise speaker at a parenting conference share that time-out never works well because it fuels resentment in the heart of the child rather than actually dealing with the heart issues. I suppose the same could be said for the heart of the parent…
I hate timeouts SO MUCH. Any other solution that did not involve anger, yelling, screaming, is most welcomed.
Thank you, Alissa! To put it in my usual blunt way, I’ve ALWAYS thought time-outs were hokey and stupid (that’s not to say that I have a great alternative, which I don’t). I really believe in trying to back up to get to the root problem behind the behavior, and for my kids, I think it’s usually tired, hungry, or needs attention/reassurance. I try to hold the offender on my lap or go to his room and take a time-out with him (if I’m not too angry, that is).
Just as an aside, blogs like yours help me so much. Thanks. 🙂
Comments like yours help me keep blogging AND help me in my parenting, so thank you Dawn 🙂
Help me think through this would you, about “holding the offender on your lap”? I find myself not holding, touching, comforting my 2 year old during the time he is whining or breaking down (and yes, I think it’s usually because he’s “tired or hungry”) because I don’t want to encourage this behavior by “rewarding” him with my attention. But I also agree with the points that maybe he needs reassurance, comforting and overall more of my attention, play, etc. (Like now as he plays alone, I am reading your blog and posting.) But you got me thinking, maybe holding him close during a break down/tantrum/whine session might give him what he needs in the moment or will that teach him to break down, etc to get this attention? Besides me (a stay-at-home-mom) spending more enagaged time with my child, any thoughts?
I have thought the same thing, Jennifer. My youngest has some very Jekyl and Hyde moments, and time out just fuels his anger. Sitting with him and getting him to calm down usually help immensely. My oldest did pretty well with time outs, although I never tried sitting with him because I thought that would encourage bad behavior.
REALLY like the idea of helping out if you can’t think of a solution. I know many of my preschoolers would much rather think of a solution than clean! Will keep this idea in mind when we have little ones… 🙂
Registered & looking forward to it!