I Kind of Thought This Would Last Forever
Looking through photos, I see the one of you grinning up at me with your big brothers. You all look so tiny! My breath feels short when I see that photo and realize it was two years ago now. Only two years ago and, WOW TWO YEARS AGO ALREADY!
I kind of thought it would last forever.
Oh, not babyhood, not toddlerhood. I knew you’d all get bigger…but then, even if I didn’t think it would last for ever, I was lulled into feeling like it would. And some days, oh man, this youngest part of childhood felt like it was dragging on forever. With three kids each a couple years apart from the next, I’ve only known parenting with a baby or toddler in the mix. This is the view of parenting I’ve had. It includes a toddler.
Somehow with you turning four soon, the very temporary nature of having kids at home seems overly noticeable lately, and it’s got me feeling a bit wobbly. I keep thinking of things I thought we might do while you were little and realizing that that’s that. We did some great stuff, but it’s time to dream about new adventures with bigger kids.
I’ve said things when I was tired of this grinding, exhausting parenting phase like, “I know I’ll miss this one day.” and “The day are are long but the years are short.” and I guess I meant them, but maybe I also said them as a sort of talisman. Like if I said these things it would be a magic spell against the sadness of seeing you grow up and away from me.
You, my daughter, my nearly-four year old, are my youngest and my last child. I don’t want to go back and relive the sleep deprived days of babyhood, nor the days in toddlerhood when I questioned my sanity as the house devolved into toddler-fueled chaos, but at the same time I see you today and I realize that toddlerhood is done. I feel an ache as I remember a few years ago, looking out at all of the possibilities, possibilities that lived in my dreams, unspoiled by the realities of parenting three kids and being a flawed and growing human being.
Perhaps you’d picked on my meloncholy mood the other night when you unexpectedly asked to be carried to bed cradled in my arms like an infant.
I picked you up and breathed in, feeling more than usual the sweetness of still being able to cuddle you in my arms as a small, if slightly dangling and almost too big, bundle.
I kissed your head and told you, “One day, my love, I won’t be able to carry you like this any more. You’ll be too big.”
And I felt your little body tense up and your voice cracked with sadness as you said, “Oh Mama! On that day I will want you and WANT you to carry me.”
That did it, the sadness near the surface finally bubbled over and this time as I breathed in, my breath caught and the tears came down.
“Oh baby. On that day I will want to carry you. And I will try, and if I can’t carry you, I will hold you in my arms and hug you instead.”
And I stood there in our dark hallway, crying onto your hair.
I held you and tried to soak in the feeling of wanting to carry you and still being able to.
Oh my baby, I will always want to carry you, but you need to grow. And so do I.
So I’m gonna keep on breathing, little one who is growing big, and I’m going to stand ready for that hug should you come back for it.

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I feel this feeling daily… everyone tells you ‘it goes by fast’ but nobody can prepare you for how that feels and how as “fast” as it’s going, it still “creeps up” on you… (I’m crying!! My son turns 3 this summer and I’m already feeling this as I see him changing from toddler to little boy!)
Oh, why did I read this?! My baby starts kindy on Monday. Thinking about it has been making me feel sad for months. Now I’m crying. You’re an evil woman (;-p). It’s a beautiful post.
made me cry. I was also looking through pictures this evening thinking about how small my now 6 year old used to be. How he would run to me with open arms and jump onto almost knocking me over. Now I walk through the door and he remains where he sits. When did he stop running to me? When did he get so big? He asks me to cuddle all the time and I do. I tell him that someday he won’t want to cuddle with me and his response is always. “Mommy I will always want to cuddle with you and I will always be your baby.” Makes me cry just thinking about it and about the day when he stops asking. Great article. Thanks for sharing.
Alison
theguiltymommy.com
Thank you for this.
Oh, tears!!! I’m feeling like my kids are getting so big lately. They are more independent and more helpful, and that is a welcome change, but boy it pulls at the heartstrings when you read something like this or see the baby pics. 🙂
Yep. This is where I’m at. Thanks so much xx
My youngest of three will soon be 4 as well. This was good.
Thanks a lot Sarah…..totally depressed now!
This article totally killed me. I was bawling, my husband was worried. My kids were asleep (almost 4 and a 15 months) and I almost went and woke them up to hug them and kiss them and snuggle with them… but they aren’t the best sleepers as it is soo… 😉
Love this… Thank you for sharing.
This hit home for me. Last night was blissful…my 6 year old sat on my lap while our family watched a movie…she fell asleep on me, drooled and sweat on me. I was in heaven, and so was she.
Melissa…. Just what I’d been saying xx
Mari Vanessa sorry girlie hope julians doing better.. But it touched my heart and i knew it would also touch yours?????????????????????????