Parenting from The Dark Pit
I stand in the living room breathing deep, feeling the muscles by my jaw tense as I focus on finding a teeny tiny grain of patience in order to stop myself from yelling, “JUST CLEAN UP THE &%$#@*&! TOYS AND STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS!!!”
I tightly manage to say, “OK, only a few more things and then everyone can head out back to play!” and it doesn’t feel warm and loving at all. It feels very fake and I wonder if my kids notice the false upturn at the end of the sentence. In this moment love turns into an action rather than a feeling, because the only feelings I can find inside are resentful, angry and exhausted.
Right now to be loving doesn’t feel easy and cozy. Being loving is taking every last drop of my energy and all I can muster with that energy is the ability to hold my tongue and not scream at them about the living room.
It is painful to write, but the truth is, in this moment I don’t want to be near my beautiful children. I don’t want to hear their voices, see their faces or help them zip their coats. I don’t want to feed them dinner or get them a drink. I don’t even want to talk with them.
How can I ever feel so done with a job that would wreck me completely if it were gone?
I am in my dark pit place of parenting right now, and barely able to send up a flare to let you know I’m down here.
Right now love feels cold and brittle.
Love feels like holding my tongue and not cussing about living room clean up time.
It feels like walking quickly into the other room because my patience is so thin that I cannot face the normal kid outbursts without having one of my own.
It feels like changing my tone in the middle of a sentence when I realize I am about to snap again.
It feels like stopping myself from sighing when my child starts talking to me.
Love feels like starting a load of laundry and holding the shreds of our routine in place so my children have a semblance of order while I, their mother, am in disarray.
Right now love doesn’t feel warm and cozy.
There is a certain irony that comes with wanting to talk about a difficult part of parenting and being so worn out from parenting that you can barely string together a cohesive sentence. In fact, I have started writing this post each day for the past three days, and until this morning I was so tired and discouraged I couldn’t make it past the opening sentences.
I’m tired, and complaint filled, and looking for escapes. I’m having a hard time concentrating on just about anything besides reading or knitting (hey, the kitchen may be a mess, but I’ve got a hat, booties and socks nearly done!) I have started a post like this about three times and then stopped, but today I will finish it because I’m tired of not being able to talk about this part of mothering. I’ve got to tell this part of my story because more than being physically tired, I’m tired of feeling alone.
I think that I don’t see this story told more often because those of us who would tell it are so danged tired when we’re in this dark pit, and when we come out again…well, maybe we pretend it will never be difficult again…
Here is my parenting story:
My life as a mom does not go in some neat upward slope of improvement. I do not learn a lesson once and then continue on, now more happy than before.
The “big picture” of parenting for me is more like this:
- Learn something new – feel great about this parenting solution and continue on more happily…..until
- I stumble – possibly kids outgrow what was working, possibly work, living circumstances or the weather changes. Often I don’t even realize anything has changed until…
- I fall (sometimes crashing hard) – I find myself struggling in the dark pit. This is one of those parenting phases where you just think to yourself, “You’ve GOT to be kidding.” Kids might be angry or defiant, I might be yelling or resentful. Everything feels like it’s coming undone and it’s hard to appreciate anything good that is happening.
- Something shifts – maybe I get a break, I have the right conversation with a friend, or we all get a good night’s sleep. Gradually, I crawl back up into the light and…
- Learn something new…or relearn what I thought I’d already learned before…
And so it goes – I feel (I hope) it is in an ever upward spiral, this growth and learning that my kids and I are doing together. But in the thick of it, when I am in the dark pit and I don’t have the energy or emotional resources to set things right, there are days I can’t believe I’ve fallen again, and I am consumed with shame and feel so broken.
I learn and relearn about parenting my kids many, many, heart-wrenching guilt-inducing times.
I learn and relearn how to connect with them when I’m tired.
I learn and relearn how to set boundaries.
I learn and relearn how to take care of myself when I am drowning in the needs of others.
I want to tell this story, because I know I am not the only one living it, yet when I am in this dark pit parenting place I feel ashamed and alone. I feel embarrassed to need help or encouragement. I feel too tired to reach out because I know I don’t have the emotional strength to deal with it if my hand gets slapped.
When I am in this phase of parenting – the low down exhausted phase, I dread hearing advice. The message I want to hear is not, “You know, maybe you should….”
We get uncomfortable seeing someone else in pain. It isn’t easy to sit with someone, see that they are hurting and not be able to stop that hurt. The tendency is to want to give advice, but maybe advice is not the “help” is not that’s needed at these times.
I don’t need suggestions, criticism or nitpicking over what parts of parenting I’m doing wrong. Believe me, if there’s anything I can over think, it’s parenting. I can tell you in great detail the list of things I could be doing better.
Have faith in me.
Soon, soon I will be ready to come up with creative solutions and ideas for whatever new phase of parenting I’m in, but for now, I am in the dark pit and I don’t need advice.
I need compassion.
A voice of friendship and a little light to see by.
All I want is to hear is that there is an other-side to the darkness, that I’m not crazy and that yes, as we grow as a family sometimes we come to those phases that are downright exhausting. Sometimes as we raise our children we are flayed open or burned to ash because parenting asks so much of us.
And we are equal to the task. We will heal, we will rise again stronger than before.
All I want to know is that I’m not alone.
So if you are here with me, my friend, reach out your hand. I’m here and I’ve been here before.
We’ll make it out again.
I think…I think I’ve found a little light, and we can walk this path together.
You are not alone.
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Thank you for your sharing. Your post touched me, because it is all so familiar…Before I became a mom myself I would never have thought that parenting could be so challenging. I have already reached several depths myself.
Thank you for your bravery in putting this out there. It’s comforting knowing I’m not alone in reaching these depths and experiencing these feelings of numbness born of rage toward my children.
Just read this – I’ve been parenting for 24 years. My oldest and youngest have been my challenges. They sure shine brightly, but oh, those strong wills! There were so many days of parenting from the pit, and I wondered if my oldest and I would ever have a relationship. But he is 24, pretty amazing, and we are close! This is good to remember because my 13 year old daughter is now in a challenging place. And I desperately want to be her safe haven, but the frustration (that sadly turns to anger, then guilt) is very present. And I guess it’s just a relief to remember that this isn’t easy some days – and I’m not alone. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for the comments. And just know – our kids are resilient, they know we love them, and this phase will pass.
I’m in need of that light! Wow! To read exactly what Im feeling, the tears just wont stop. But I do have faith in myself to push through this.
Thank you for writing this.. I’m not alone. Nor had the words to articulate what’s wrong. It’s me.
Thank you so much for the courage and clarity it took for you too write and share this. I identify with every word, Alissa…utter exhaustion, depletion, and shame on the soul level. I can see your light and compassion from down here in my Pit and I’m feeling so relieved that I’m not alone in this struggle. Xo
Thank for this post. I feel every word of it.
I got tired of feeling like that and two weeks ago I started taking antidepressants. I know motherhood is hard for everyone but I needed help. I don’t want to pretend to be happy at bithdays and christmas anymore. I don’t want to hide in the bathroom (like I am right now) while my kids watch tv. I hope the pills will help.
I realize that you wrote this months ago. I hope things are better for you by now.
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Thank you, thank you for putting my feelings into words. I am regularly in the pit; my poor children must be scarred from my outbursts. My husband just doesn’t understand and only aggravates me further when I’m feeling on the edge of sanity. Doesn’t he know that logic doesn’t fix emotion?? So emotionally vacuous. Most times I just want to leave and never return; but I actually think I just need respite; just a little break ..and if everyone could just damn well listen to what I’m saying the first time before I shriek like a banshee, that would really go a looong way towards cushioning and nurturing that last little shred of sanity. Thank you for helping me feel like I’m not the only one. xx
I am a new reader to your site, it is 2:30 in the morning. I have been up crying since the family went to bed and searching why I feel like such a horrible mom! I have been feeling a little better reading your other posts for example, raising an angry child. I have never come across anything like that and thank you for that. But feeling like a failure, maybe I didnt love him enough early in life, having no clue that others are in the same boat and especially never before finding the tools to help him other than peoples rude opinions and horrible advice have me in a regular dark pit at this time in my life. The shameful feeling and guilt bubbles into all areas of my life. I give you praise and grace for being brave enough to write about the hardest parts of
motherhood allowing myself some grace to try outside the box to help teach my son and dig my own way out of the pit.
Thank you
I would also like to add how refreshing it is to see so many moms feel safe and unjudged in order build each other up rather than parenting as a competition.
Ailsa I live in Sheffield, England. I hear you from all the way over here and was nearly in tears on the way to work. I can’t tell you the number of times I have sat in the loo, locked in to barricade myself from my darlings who at that moment I can’t be near. And if I’m lucky some days I’ll see one of your posts while I’m in there and it gives me the grain of strength I need to carry on.
The age old phrase “this to will pass” has often helped me.
So much love is being sent from here. Thanks for everything.
It has been a long while since you posted this, but it spoke to my heart now as I just discovered your blog and I am so grateful for it. Your brave beautiful words and sentiment resonate so strongly with how I am feeling and the feeling of not being alone is tremendous. I also started you kindness heart project – just making the hearts (and writing kind words on them) and talking about how we would use them as a reminder to be kind with my kids this morning was a huge release and very comforting to me. I know all the things I “should” do to be a positive and peaceful parent but having an action project to give me a visible reminder is priceless. I cannot thank you enough, I very much appreciate your efforts! Take care!
You’re so not alone! Thanks for this – such an antidote to the usual “I made cupcakes with my triplets, then took them rafting” posts one so often sees… I have snapped at my daughter far too often of late, but I’m still trying to hold on to my sanity and appreciate her more each day. It’s bloody hard, though, and it often makes me despair of ever getting it right. But, the proof will be in the pudding, and we’ll **** them up somehow, anyway. So long as, on the whole, they’re reasonably balanced, mostly happy, and healthy and safe – well, in my book, that’s good enough. Who cares if they’ve never baked a cupcake? There are other things that I’m teaching her to do, that no Perfect Parent has even thought of yet. I just don’t document it in public all the time. Swings and Roundabouts. Thank you so much for this post. xx
Hehehe, you inspired a stick figure drawing.
😉 Thanks for reading and for your kind words too!
Brilliantly described, so true. I have been through this and I think I can finally say that I have more good than bad times these days. But it is so very hard and made harder that so few people are honest about how they really feel. Easy to feel like a failure
Thanks Helen; it is hard when you start to feel so alone. When you’re already stressed and then you start wondering if there’s just something fundamentally wrong with you, since everyone else seems so WITH IT…it doesn’t help with the stress level. It is also something that’s hard to write about, because nobody really wants to hear a bunch of complaints, right? We’re not alone in having these feelings though, yet I think they mean we’re growing, not failing.
Reading this with tears streaming down my face….reading this has given me the strength to make it through another day…to know that I’m not alone and others feel like this too means so much…thank you for writing this
Thanks for reading. All my best to you. ~Alissa
Needed to read this today, thank you. A six week old and a two year old have resulted in this week me feeling like I’m constantly doing what I can to hold together some semblance of normality while inside I’m screaming for 5 minutes silence!! Yet also feeling so lucky to have these two and so guilty or feeling such a mix of emotions. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone.
Thank you’d or posting this. I needed to hear I’m not alone.
Thanks for reading Wendy. Not alone for sure 🙂
You are not alone xx
If you could hold my hand right now I’d appreciate it because I’ve just snapped horrendously at my son who means everything in the world to me. I’ve been so super patient since school finished and we’ve laughed and had fun, but then he asked and asked and asked again for something I’d explained twice and I shouted. I’m so ashamed of myself.
Wishing you peace, Kath. Our kids push us to grow in ways no one else can. Hugs and here’s to a better day today.
Thank you for being so brave- I’m there in that dark pit. Just recently I can see some light . So I understand how you, and many of us mums feel . Thanks again
My weekend has just been like this ! So glad to find out I’m not the only one with this feeling. Thank you
Thank you. Thank you so much for posting this. This is me right now and I really needed to hear that it’s not just me and that I am not the worst mother ever. You are so brave to have even written this down let alone published it, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. X
You’re so welcome Kathryn. Knowing I touch other’s lives makes my days, thanks for reading.
Request to join this group please !
Thank you for sharing. You’re never alone in this. Brought home many of my own feelings.
You’re doing better than me, the shouting and having to leave before it gets worse, then the guilt and rational mind wondering what sort of example am I setting, no wonder they can’t master their emotions when I can’t master mine.
A new day, a new start to learning together.
Good luck today, everyone.
thank you. as a single mum with depression this has reduced me to tears to feel I’m not alone.
I have been living in the pit of dispair for the 5 years that I have had my children. The three main feelings I have are guilt, guilt and…. oh yeah guilt. I have found, down in the depths of the pit of dispair a vicious cycle, which needs a whole lot of strength to break out of. I don’t have the strength to hold back the shouting and it makes me feel guilty, which makes me feel more of a failure, which makes me feel worthless, which make me feel guilty for not being a better mum, which makes me angry, which makes me shout, which makes me feel guilty, which makes me feel even more of a failure, which makes me feel….
Yes, yes, yes! My pit isn’t quite as dark and deep as some others, but I have my bad days. My son is adopted, and when I think of everything we’ve been through to get to this point, I feel so guilty and ashamed if I have a negative, “I’m-so-tired-I-can’t-do-this-I’m-just-not-in-the-mood” kind of day. Of course I feel so lucky and blessed to have him in our lives, he’s more than we could’ve ever hoped and wished for, and most of the time he’s a little star. But when he has his mischievous, challenging moments, I feel as though I’m not allowed to be frustrated or stressed or even angry – it’s as though I’m being ungrateful, which I’m not. It’s a tough one!
Thank you for your openness and honesty about a very difficult subject.
Here’s my candle:
In this day and age of wonderful social media, all we see are parents being the best parent ever. No one shows the pit of despair. Because, “OMG!!WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS THINK? THE FAMILY? FRIENDS? ONLINE FRIENDS? MY PARENT GROUPS? SCHOOL PARENTS? I HAVE TO GET EVERYTHING RIGHT!!” And no one is allowed to fail. Without failing, there is no growth. Without your days of the pit, there’s no rebuilding. No finding your inner strength and realizing you can rise above parenting. Parenting isn’t easy. Every parent has their dark days. And if they say they don’t, they are lying. They are keeping up appearances. More parents should be getting together socially and physically face to face, not they social media. No smart phones. No tablets. That way you can share your stories. To help each other. Remember when parents used to do that with play dates or play dates without the kids? And I should be following my own advice for when I’m in my pit. On the days I feel so overwhelmed it’s like I’m breathing in a plastic bag to calm down instead of a paper bag. On days when my back is in too much pain that I can barely walk myself to the bathroom, let alone get their meals or get them dressed as I’m staring at the mountain of toys spoiling from the bedroom into the living room. Realizing I’m 31 with a back that will leave me with only one leg to use if I bend or step wrong and trying to figure out what kind of parent am I being to these poor kids as I limp to the door to go smoke a cigarette and drop a few tears from stress because my children and husband are the last people that deserve this. Then, you have no one to really talk to because they’ll offer advice. Which I don’t need. So I stay in my bubble. My own world of impending doom. And I have to be to work at 5. How can I work my measly part time job without being able to breathe… But I shuffle off anyway. I see it as a flashlight of hope. It’s a break, even though I’m wrecking my body more. And when I come out of that One style of pit (I feel I have different pits due to different feelings), I’m super mom and super wife again. Till the next pit…..
You’re far from alone, dear.
This is so accurate….thank you.
Thank you
I so very could have written this. Word for word. Thank you.
I’ve never read your blog before… though as I stood in the kitchen tonight after the kids were in bed after another HORRENDOUS day, the words “Parenting from the pit” came into my head. I opened my computer, googled those words and here you are…right beside me. Thank you.
Hi. I am new to your page. I just stumbled upon it on Pinterest. After reading this I am sitting at my desk at work in tears. This pretty much sums up EXACTLY where I am at right now. I have 3 children, ages 8, 2 and 1. Between the joys/struggles of raising two toddlers and dealing with my older daughter’s “precocious puberty” hormones I definitely feel “flayed open” by the end of the day. Throw on top of that the daily 7 – 5 of work and trying to maintain a healthy relationship with the hubby (we just celebrated our 2 year anniversary), and I literally feel like I have nothing left to give by bedtime. I have been struggling with some postpartum depression and the feelings of inadequacy and guilt. Reading this has touched me more than any words from friends/family has in what feels like a very long time. I just wanted to shout THANK YOU for this beautiful page! I cannot wait to explore more!
HEY. another mama out here holding space for you. never stop writing.
xx
Thank you Ness.
Thank you. This has made me feel less alone and less ashamed. You have helped save me from a deep, dark downward spiral. Thank you so much.
Wow, thanks so much for writing this, it is exactly how I feel right now. As much as I hate people going through hard times, it really makes me feel so much better to see so many of you having the same experiences, at least it means i’m not the monster i feel like i am some days, seems everyone goes through this at some point. Wishing all you brave awesome moms a ladder to help you out your pits xxx
Thank you. That’s where I’m now. It is silly but I’m glad I’m not alone driven by guilt. Thank you.
Read this again, knowing that moms like me do not just snap out of being “a horrible mom”. My son is now in middle school and I go to the dark pit more often know. I thought I had it easy now that my kids (11 and 7) are older. I have to remind myself to be thankful that they are smart, healthy and loving kids! Thanks again for this post!
Wishing everyone well!
Tracy
I am at exactly the same pit with you. Didnt know i could hold out my hand and someone would hold it. Thank you for thiis. Extending out a hand for you to hold in these dark times.
::holding your hand::
Bawling my eyes out in my dark pit…I sooooooooo needed this message today….Thankyou
I am currently trying to climb out of my pit but sometimes the darkness drags you back again. Thanks for sharing, it has given me some comfort that I am not there alone and actually it’s a normal part of being a parent and we are sometimes in that pit because we love our children, because we care and because we give so much of ourselves. Hopefully I will make it to the surface soon. Xx
Thank you. Thank you for sharing, and caring enough to share and say it out loud.
It sucks in the black place. So many of us go there from time to time. There is light, it will end, things will shift, someone or something will click and you will move on. We all do, eventually. Hang on in there. Sending you light and love.
Yes. So, so with you. I struggle frequently and have for the last 11 years and 2 children. I try to comfort myself with knowing that at least they might be getting resilience from my darker moments. Thanks for your kindness and these words.
Thank You! Exactly the message I needed to read at O’dark thirty. Your words and feelings are so right. It’s nice to know I am not the only one who doesn’t need to hear advice, just someone to say: “I hear you, it will get better, hang in there…
So here is a little piece if my candle to add to yours. No shame, no guilt, no judgement.
Trust me, you are not alone. And you’re right…it’s a difficult thing to admit. Being a mother is not the fun, all smiles, full with a beautifully made up face, as Tori Spelling likes the world to let us think it is. It is hard. It’s even harder to admit the resentments that build up that, unfortunately, our children have to shoulder at times.
Thank you for this post.
Thank you so much for this, I’m literately crying, exactly how I feel right now, I’m in that dark pit today…I’m not alone and I’m not fraud, I’m not as bad as I thought, is just one of those days…
THANKS!!
typing a heartfelt thank you through tear-filled eyes. god, thank you for sharing. xo
Wishing you well Cat.
I amost cried when I read your message. I was feeling the same way and I thought how horrible Iam as a mom. Ever failing in my task to be the best mother for my kids.I struggled everyday and I sometimes thought I got it but most of the time I realize I’m back to square one. I love my kids and would do everything for them but there are days that I just want to escape.Now I know I’m not alone and indeed there would be a light at the end of this tunnel
Wishing you a bit of light and hope.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I know it must have been daunting to type out these words. I, too, am often in the pit of darkness. It is amazing to read my exact thoughts (written better than I can think them, by the way 🙂 Thank you for reminding me that there is another side and it is filled with light. Also, that I am not alone nor am I the horrible mother the inner tyrant rants about. Again, thank you.
Perfectly said. Thank you. And I’m right there with ya. Shame, guilt, blame. Hoping that I’ve learned my lesson only to find out in time that I have not. yet. … *sigh*