Bounceback Parenting

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Parenting from The Dark Pit

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I stand in the living room breathing deep, feeling the muscles by my jaw tense as I focus on finding a teeny tiny grain of patience in order to stop myself from yelling, “JUST CLEAN UP THE &%$#@*&! TOYS AND STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS!!!”

I tightly manage to say, “OK, only a few more things and then everyone can head out back to play!” and it doesn’t feel warm and loving at all.  It feels very fake and I wonder if my kids notice the false upturn at the end of the sentence.  In this moment love turns into an action rather than a feeling, because the only feelings I can find inside are resentful, angry and exhausted.

Right now to be loving doesn’t feel easy and cozy.  Being loving is taking every last drop of my energy and all I can muster with that energy is the ability to hold my tongue and not scream at them about the living room.

Sometimes I fall and crash hard. I find myself struggling in the dark pit. This is one of those -You have GOT to be kidding- parenting times...

It is painful to write, but the truth is, in this moment I don’t want to be near my beautiful children.  I don’t want to hear their voices, see their faces or help them zip their coats.   I don’t want to feed them dinner or get them a drink.  I don’t even want to talk with them.

How can I ever feel so done with a job that would wreck me completely if it were gone?

I am in my dark pit place of parenting right now, and barely able to send up a flare to let you know I’m down here.

Right now love feels cold and brittle.

Love feels like holding my tongue and not cussing about living room clean up time.

It feels like walking quickly into the other room because my patience is so thin that I cannot face the normal kid outbursts without having one of my own.

It feels like changing my tone in the middle of  a sentence when I realize I am about to snap again.

It feels like stopping myself from sighing when my child starts talking to me.

Love feels like starting a load of laundry and holding the shreds of our routine in place so my children have a semblance of order while I, their mother, am in disarray.

Right now love doesn’t feel  warm and cozy.

There is a certain irony that comes with wanting to talk about a difficult part of parenting and being so worn out from parenting that you can barely string together a cohesive sentence.  In fact, I have started writing this post each day for the past three days, and until this morning I was so tired and discouraged I couldn’t make it past the opening sentences.

I’m tired, and complaint filled, and looking for escapes.  I’m having a hard time concentrating on just about anything besides reading or knitting (hey, the kitchen may be a mess, but I’ve got a hat, booties and socks nearly done!)  I have started a post like this about three times and then stopped, but today I will finish it because I’m tired of not being able to talk about this part of mothering.   I’ve got to tell this part of my story because more than being physically tired, I’m tired of feeling alone.

I think that I don’t see this story told more often because those of us who would tell it are so danged tired when we’re in this dark pit, and when we come out again…well, maybe we pretend it will never be difficult again…

Here is my parenting story:

My life as a mom does not go in some neat upward slope of improvement.  I do not learn a lesson once and then continue on, now more happy than before.

The “big picture” of parenting for me is more like this:

  • Learn something new – feel great about this parenting solution and continue on more happily…..until
  • I stumble – possibly kids outgrow what was working, possibly work, living circumstances or the weather changes.  Often I don’t even realize anything has changed until…
  • I fall (sometimes crashing hard) – I find myself struggling in the dark pit.  This is one of those parenting phases where you just think to yourself, “You’ve GOT to be kidding.”  Kids might be angry or defiant, I might be yelling or resentful.  Everything feels like it’s coming undone and it’s hard to appreciate anything good that is happening.
  • Something shifts – maybe I get a break, I have the right conversation with a friend, or we all get a good night’s sleep.   Gradually, I crawl back up into the light and…
  • Learn something new…or relearn what I thought I’d already learned before…

And so it goes – I feel (I hope) it is in an ever upward spiral, this growth and learning that my kids and I are doing together.  But in the thick of it, when I am in the dark pit and I don’t have the energy or emotional resources to set things right, there are days I can’t believe I’ve fallen again, and I am consumed with shame and feel so broken.

The dark part of my parenting story (1)

I learn and relearn about parenting my kids many, many, heart-wrenching guilt-inducing times.

I learn and relearn how to connect with them when I’m tired.

I learn and relearn how to set boundaries.

I learn and relearn how to take care of myself when I am drowning in the needs of others.

I want to tell this story, because I know I am not the only one living it, yet when I am in this dark pit parenting place I feel ashamed and alone. I feel embarrassed to need help or encouragement.  I feel too tired to reach out because I know I don’t have the emotional strength to deal with it if my hand gets slapped.

When I am in this phase of parenting – the low down exhausted phase, I dread hearing advice.  The message I want to hear is not, “You know, maybe you should….”

We get uncomfortable seeing someone else in pain.  It isn’t easy to sit with someone, see that they are hurting and not be able to stop that hurt.  The tendency is to want to give advice, but maybe advice is not the “help” is not that’s needed at these times.

I don’t need suggestions, criticism or nitpicking over what parts of parenting I’m doing wrong.  Believe me, if there’s anything I can over think, it’s parenting.  I can tell you in great detail the list of things I could be doing better.

Have faith in me.

Parenting from the Dark Pit - you are not alone

Soon, soon I will be ready to come up with creative solutions and ideas for whatever new phase of parenting I’m in, but for now, I am in the dark pit and I don’t need advice.

I need compassion.

A voice of friendship and a little light to see by.

All I want is to hear is that there is an other-side to the darkness, that I’m not crazy and that yes, as we grow as a family sometimes we come to those phases that are downright exhausting.  Sometimes as we raise our children we are flayed open or burned to ash because parenting asks so much of us.

And we are equal to the task.  We will heal, we will rise again stronger than before.

All I want to know is that I’m not alone.

The dark part of my parenting story

So if you are here with me, my friend, reach out your hand.  I’m here and I’ve been here before.

We’ll make it out again.

I think…I think I’ve found a little light, and we can walk this path together.

You are not alone.

 

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Reader Interactions

271 Comments

  1. Yep. I’m here. Right with you. Learning and re-learning it all again. Sometimes I wonder about the phrase “fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me” because I’m definitely past twice. Just wanted to reach out and say I’m glad to hear it from you, makes me feel not as alone.

    Reply

    • Yeah..fool twice, three times…how many times? All I can figure when I’m staring down one of the same parenting lessons I thought I’d already learned is: well, here we are again, but we have new tools this time..and we’ve grown and this is just another facet of this problem.

      Reply

      • Amen. I appreciate you sharing Alissa & Jamie. I had a very dark pit day. I think someone was crying all day… if not 2/3 little people… everyone took turns… including me. I am relearned and relearning how to avoid power struggles. Both my oldest kids are amazing at getting me into them… we all have very similar personalities and I am always overtired lately it seems. Too much yelling today. I am vowing to start fresh tomorrow.

        The one good thing I did today was verbalize to my husband that I needed his help. When he got home I left and got a break. That really helped me chill out. Sending happy thoughts your way for tomorrow.

        Reply

      • Thank you for sharing this. I have been in the pit too many times. It takes me days to recover. I don’t have the energy to chew my food– I feel so drained and numb after an episode of yelling. It feels like my normal self has a heavy, cool rock at the centre that is suspended by a net. When I lose it and snap, it feels as if the net suddenly snapped and my cool rock plunged deep out of reach. Then I have no consciousness of my yelling. My voice changes . It comes from a part of my self that I didn’t know existed. It sounds unearthly, yet it comes from my throat. I physically shake with anger and I dive into the pit. The actual yelling only lasts for a few minutes. But it takes me days to recover from the physical exhaustion of it.

        I was ashamed. But I am now grateful to know there are others out there. Thank you.

        Reply

      • Thank you for this article! I just discovered you and you hit the nail on the head as far as how I’m feeling right now. I suffer from depression and right now I am in a deep rut. From one mom to another – thank you.

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      • I am a single mom and yes I have been there actually going through it right now which is why I read your story.. Thanks for sharing it with me

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    • Thank you. I’m late to this party, but my son struggles so hard at school, and gets in trouble so much, and I feel like a total failure, and he’s the only thing I’ve got really going in this awful horrible, most difficult period if my entire life. Amd I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO. So yrah, I lose it with him, because he doesn’t hear me. And then I comfort him when I gonally get through and he sobs. And then we start again. And again.And again.

      Reply

  2. Hang in there Alissa! Sometimes all we can do is just put one foot in front of the other and keep going, not always knowing where we are headed. I hear you in your struggles and pain and I continue to struggle with many of the same things. It doesn’t make you a bad mom or a bad person. Please know you are not alone and you will not always feel this way.

    Reply

    • Thank you Kate…logically I know it will turn around (thank goodness!) and it feels better to have written about it at least. I’m ready for a break and a few days with my husband off during Christmas!

      Reply

  3. You are human and not alone. Brave of you to write about this. I hope the sun shines for you soon.

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  4. How can I ever feel so done with a job that would wreck me completely if it were gone?

    The above sentence is perfect. You are one of the only people who puts these feelings to paper. Everyone feels like this at some point…. don’t forget:”ride the highs as long as you can and get out of the lows as quick as possible!”

    God Bless. Know you are a good person. I know I am not offering any huge nuggets of wisdom, just know many of us feel the same way. I am sending you my positive energy!

    Reply

  5. Here I am (as another blog mom says) waving to you in the dark. And isn’t it so silly we have to put up so much bravery in order to admit we are waving our white flag from a dark pit when ALL mommas know that dark pit. Also isn’t it amazing how we always find our way out?

    Reply

    • Yes, well said Joy. I think when we’re in the darkness it feel so overwhelming that to try and put it into words is just one more exhausting thing to do…and we imagine all the ways we could have prevented being in this mess in the first place and it feels darker and darker and more and more like we’re just a moron for being confused and lost. Thanks for waving – I really feel better to know I’m not the only one this happens to. And yes, we always find our way out don’t we? 🙂

      Reply

  6. In the dark literally and figuratively reading this. Thank you. I don’t feel quite so alone this time through the valley. I just get so heartbroken wondering what my girls will remember: me in the dark or in the lovely light?

    Reply

    • I’m right there with you. I need to get out of the dark, so my children can remember me in the light.

      Reply

  7. You are not alone! And thank goodness, neither am I! I had a truly horrible day today, was in tears with my youngest for the better part of it, and really hit rock-bottom in my opinion of myself as a mother. Thank you for this extremely timely post – now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to bed as EVERYTHING gets better with a little sleep. 🙂

    Reply

  8. Thank you for your heart felt message , it is nice to know that In all the stages of teaching our children ,that we are not alone , and that yes we don’t need advice but support. My greatest fear is that I destroy my daughters in trying to be the perfect mother. And forget that Iam their perfect mother despite my mistakes and fumbles trying to bring them up to be young adults able to survive our ever changing world.

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  9. You are not alone. You. Are. Not. Alone. My hand has been slapped repeatedly, when seeking help. It’s painful. And makes me want to vomit. We are so vulnerable, in our asking. I’d like to see a world, a society, a community, that doesn’t look upon ‘need’ as ‘weak.’ I am a mother of four. I am anything but weak. I want my daughters to view need and help in a different way. A balanced way. I want my sons to learn patience, and presence vs saving and doing. I want them to be comfortable NOT ‘fixing’ things. Women need presence, someone to bare witness to our lives our loves, our stories. We are not broken. We do not need to be fixed. We simply need to be heard. Many listen, but rarely hear. I hear you. You are not alone.

    Reply

    • Thank you Melanie, tears as I read your beautiful response. Yes, sometimes we just need someone to bare witness. That’s it exactly. Thank you again.

      Reply

  10. Hugs, hugs and more hugs! I was there not too long ago and it was you who reminded me to keep moving. You were right then and you are right now. The other side is there waiting and it takes up far more time than the dark times.

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  11. I am here with you too. Thank you for being brave enough to say out loud what I need to hear so badly: that I am not the only one who falls in the dark pit of parenting, more often than I would like to admit.

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  12. I know the dark pit so well, and that feeling of being alone! You have no idea how much light you bring me with this post…to know that neither of us are alone…that someone else out there gets it…to know that we can make it through! If I could, I would give you a huge hug of gratitude right now…thank you!

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  13. I adore your brave, healing, strong, & honest words, my friend. I have come to believe that when we show each other our scars, we love each other more. I am right here with you .. and feeling very grateful.

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  14. thank you. I so wish I had the energy or brain power to string enough sentences together to tell you how much this means to me. I NEEDED to read this today. it’s so hard, and I know I can do it, but right now I feel myself totally SUCKING at parenting. Hoping that tomorrow I can take a deep breath, and relearn some lessons. Thanks again.

    Reply

  15. Amazing how God uses our stories…our messes…to encourage each other! Was just drafting a SO similar post in my head while I found your’s on Pinterest. Maybe I will still tell my story and be brave like you!

    Reply

    • I would love to read your story Amy. We all resonate to different voices, so it’s wonderful to have more stories like this for us as mothers to read.

      Reply

  16. Right here with you. You expressed this so well, so directly and so wholly, thank you. Thank you for saying what I am too tired to say and simply couldn’t find the words to describe it. The pit is hard, the reason for getting out of the pit is worth it. Every time!

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  17. Yes! Thank you for describing exactly what I have not been so eloquent to express! It is so lonely especially as a single Mom. I too have my Mom, who while she may be trying to help, points out what I should be doing with my boys.
    So many times I need support,but to take what little energy I may have mentally or physically,in order to explain, it is too much. Thanks for helping us Mom’s not feel so alone.

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  18. It is to tough, but I would never change a thing though. Love my boys. God has blessed more than I deserve!

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  19. So, so glad for this post tonight. I am blessed to be reading this. Thank you for sharing. I am SO there in that dark pit!

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  20. Alissa, I reach my hand out to you and I assure you that I have been there. I have felt so alone in motherhood at times because nobody ever talks about how hard this job of motherhood is. I absolutely have to recommend a book that has helped me out of the darkness. It is called; Desperate- hope for the mom who needs to breathe, by Sarah Mae & Sally Clarkson. This book really gave me perspective and most importantly HOPE!

    This is a little piece from the books website desperatemom.com

    “I just can’t be a mother today.”

    If you’ve ever whispered those words to God in quiet desperation, you are not alone.

    Desperate is for those who love their children to the depths of their souls but who have also curled up under their covers, fighting back tears, and begging God for help. It’s for those who have ever wondered what happened to all their ideals for what having children would be like. For those who have ever felt like all the “experts” have clearly never had a child like theirs. For those who have prayed for a mentor. For those who ever felt lost and alone in motherhood.

    In Desperate you will find the story of one young mother’s honest account of the desperate feelings experienced in motherhood and one experienced mentor’s realistic and gentle exhortations that were forged in the trenches of raising her own four children.
    It is our prayer that reading Desperate will leave you soul-filled, refreshed, and hopeful.

    Reply

  21. I am sooooo there with you right now. With a 7 year old going on 17 with a sassy attitude and a 4 month old who just cries and cries because it is her hobby, I think sometimes that I want to run away from home (sometimes being every 5 minutes). I want to scream “LEAVE ME ALONE” when my older daughter says for the 100th time “Mommy look at me!”. My husband talks about how tiring his job is, I would LOVE to leave these small people all day and get things done and come home just in time to kiss their sweet sleepy faces goodnight. I would love to not harbor ill feelings toward them for ruining my sunny disposition. Tomorrow will be better…right?

    Reply

  22. You were able to put in to words what I have been feeling all week. There has been a lot of crying and I have pulled out every parenting book to reread, signed up for parenting seminars and as you said it probably is a change that has had occurred that I’m not aware of yet. Such a good reminder. Wouldn’t it be great if we hid a tool box down there and when we get there we pull it out and find out how to escape this time. Actually if you are like me I have just forgotten about my life saving tool box and only stumble upon it after I have panicked! I am in the pit with you.

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  23. You are not alone. I’m down here with you right now. The thing that gets me is how quickly I end up down here but how slowly I seem to climb out. But I guess the point is the climbing out, right, and to keep trying. And that brings me comfort to know that I don’t have to get it right every time, I’ve just got to show up and do as much as I can with the tools that I have. Thank you for writing this post, your honestly and vulnerability are astonishing and uplifting.

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  24. Dear friend I hold my hand out and hope you see it. I am with you. I just opened Pandora’s box tonight and told my husband that I feel lonely and exhausted and I was sick of being that supporting wife who is stuck in this box (aka my house) day long alone only to feel sad and misheard when I ask for something. We have a great life, 2 wonderful kids who are our pride and joy and a brand new baby…! I love the new addition but am so sad about the fact that my husband has “given up” at 6 weeks. I am in the pit and I don’t see the way out, yet. It’s close to Christmas and my kids see the house is a mess and assume it’s ok to follow suit. The 6 year old has learned how to “bend the truth” from his sister who is 10 and sneaky… And I wonder if it is possible to be the first parent in history to take “Santa” away from her kids… And husband. I am in a dark pit of resentment and sadness and I find it hard to look back at all the positive of he last 5 years that brought me here, or hard to look forWard to the future where I am not alone nursing @4am and cleaning the house at the same time. *sigh* it has to end soon right? And normal has to return… IT HAS TO!!

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  25. Thanks for posting. Going through a bad yelling phase right now with my two boys. Your piece was a good reminder that falling happens and so does regrouping. I don’t considers self a yeller so this has been a tough phase for me. I know it will pass. Cheers to you. Merry Christmas.

    Reply

  27. Our Christmas tree fell over several hours ago.

    My husband and I are both too tired to face putting it back up again. So there it lays, taking up the majority of our living room. Maybe tomorrow we’ll deal with it.

    It’s been hard here lately, and it is such a relief to be able to say that. My husband’s antidepressants seem to have lost effectiveness, so he hasn’t been able to parent very actively. I’ve been struggling to not be bitter about the “second shift” life I’m leading, working all day and managing kids nonstop until bedtime.

    Thank you for your honesty. It inspires and heals.

    Reply

  28. Thank you so much. I have been in my dark pit for over 12 months. I became a Mum in June 2012, after 18 months of grilling by social services and then waiting to be matched with our children. We went from 0 to 100 mph, as we became parents to two boys aged 6 and 2. We as adoptive parents are entitled to 3 years of support from the council through which we adopted. In May I plucked up the courage to ask for help and I had no joy. I really had to fight so hard to get the help. 6 weeks ago I started to get help and I’m now halfway out my pit. We now understand our eldest son (now 8) and life is so much better.
    To know that others are in dark pits too, makes me feel so much better. Thank you again for blogging about this. Big hugs to you, and remember you too are not alone xx

    Reply

    • That’s when we became parents by adoption of 6 and 8 year olds! Karyn Purvis has great books, videos, and website. Heather Forbes is also good. We’ve been seeing a family therapist who specializes in adoption since our 2nd week home, and I can’t imagine what things would be like otherwise. Also–I went on anti-depressants (Zoloft) about six months ago because my own anger was terrifying me (and SO not helpful to the kids). Not saying you need that, just–if you do, don’t do what I did and be too ashamed to talk to your doctor for months on end.

      Sorry; you weren’t asking for advice, but I heard myself so strongly in your story, and just wanted to share what helps at our house.

      Reply

      • Wendy,
        Thank you SO much. I too went on anti depressants 6 months ago, because my anger was scaring me! I have been diagnosed with post adoption depression and social anxiety disorder (a nasty mix). Our eldest has been diagnosed with severe attachment disorder and the emotional age of a 4 year old. But with the help of a charity After Adoption and a wonderful technique called TheraPlay we are moving forward slowly. I’m under no illusion this is going to be a long journey. But my boys have taught me so much about myself!
        xx

        Reply

    • Lou, thank you. What an intense journey into parenting you’ve been on. Hugs, hugs, hugs, and thank you for sharing here. What courage it takes to ask for help!

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  29. Greetings from Denmark. You are not alone – all the way across the world I feel with you and I’ve been in that dark place, too

    <3

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  30. I could have written this myself yesterday. I adore my children, they are my entire world but there are days when I just need space and silence. The constant noise, mess and inability to get a damn thing done in a day.
    The guilt that no matter what we do it’s never enough. This time of year brings a different time of mania too, we take on a ridiculous amount of work alone. The pressure to create the perfect Christmas…. Whatever the hell that is!!!
    Be kind to yourself, you are not alone. As women we need to be more honest about this side of mothering. It’s hard, boring and lonely sometimes! Everyone hates their job at some point, why is the work of a mum any different. Doesn’t mean we don’t love and adore our children, just the monotony of the daily grind and the never ending challenges!
    Be kind to yourself xxxx

    Reply

  31. Wow, you are so open and candid about your feelings, that is AMAZING Alissa and yes, I have been there. And it is such a relief when those days pass. I do hope you feel better soon. This time of year is just such a crazy period!

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  32. Thanks your honesty and openess. I find myself in this place often lately and yesterday was a particularly long and difficult day. It is nice to know I am not alone…struggle, breathe, learn, breathe again, usher patience from the depths of my being. I had no idea parenting would be so bittersweet.

    Reply

    • Seriously. I also had NO CLUE I would be in for such a huge transformation when I became a parent – haha, it seems silly to say that now. From the birth of my first child and eight years later now with three kids, I have had so many times of feeling completely empty, only to be filled up again. So glad to know I am not alone in this.

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  33. Thank you. I know this pit. I am so tired, and everyone wants to offer advice, it is so hard to resist yelling do you not think i’ve tried that?!!
    My pit is riddled with guilt at finding it stressful being a full time Mum when my husband has a high stress job, and many would think I have the easy role. Friends are returning to work and are envious of my “jobless” status. It makes it very hard to talk about finding it difficult. I find myself wishing I was working, then feeling guilty for not being fulfilled with my daughter.
    But its not dark for long. We’ll be playing at the park, she’ll squeal with delight, or do something new, and it lights up my day, and I think how could I consider missing out on those magic moments?

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  34. Well, my dear, I’ve been there many a time! You are so not alone, more like the norm. God has walked me through this pit. I have 4 kids, one severely special needs. I lived in the pit for a long time. May I share something that continues to help me? I’ve learned that being real is super important, like your blog, no pretense. Being real with myself, others, and God. God is good at taking away the shame and giving okness. God has no expectations of me, he knows me and my life, he is not panicking. If I allow Him, he will work something good out of all this. As I learn this, I am safe to go through the pit days. If God isn’t going to condemn me, then who else can? Blessings to you! Thank you for your realness!

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  35. Oh my, oh my, oh my. This post caught me utterly by surprise. I don’t think I’ve ever read your blog before but this popped up in my Zite feed and must have been divine intervention. The tears flowed from start to finish, and i had to stop to make sure that – no – it wasn’t my writing and my story. Yet it was. These are the words my soul has been screaming out for the last two months, clawing up at the walls of that dark pit, and just not knowing how it will get better. Thank you for sharing, and for not having the answers. I think not having answers is kind of freeing, having no immediate ideal mark to miss 🙂
    Thank you, really.x

    Reply

    • Your comment struck me deeply, “Thank you…for not having the answers.” I think that very often we think, ‘Why should I bother even talking about this. I am stuck, I have no clue what to do and it would just sound like complaining.’ When really – most of us are absolutely aware of the many, many blessings in our lives and we’re just HUMAN. Sometimes talking about the painful and not-very-fixable parts of life gives the people around us permission not to be perfect. Thank you for letting me know my writing touched you.

      Reply

  36. Hang on in there, you are not alone. I have been there too more often than I’d like (((hugs)))

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  37. I’m with you and thanks for writing this post! It was something I needed to read as it helped me identify the place I’m in at the moment (a rather long moment). Thank you for being vulnerable and transparent with us. Sending hugs…

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  39. I ADORE your vulnerability! I love you honesty. I hear you friend. I would love to sit over a cup of tea and not advise each other on parenting…just laugh our weary bodies through. Thank you Alyssa for sharing.

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    • “Laugh our weary bodies though.” Laughter is so healing, isn’t it? I have laughed more than once as I’ve read these comments and it strikes me how important it is to have people who can help you laugh, when the only alternative is to cry. Thank Allison.

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  40. Ohhhhhh. I’m so there. Can I just tell you that as I read this I started crying. I’m so there with you. 🙂

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  41. I’m not sure that you will want to hear from an old lady like me about parenting. I’m from the dark ages, you might say, when we didn’t have much more than Dr. Spock to guide us…and I didn’t even read that. But, I’m putting my two cents in anyway, sweetie, because I care about what all of you wonderful “blogger moms” who have given so much to me. As an OT who works with children, I often hear from the kids, “I wish YOU were my mommy!” And, after I get over feeling badly for their moms that are standing there with a forlorn and dejected, I think, “Oh, no you don’t!” Parenting today is a very public venture. I know that I’ve heard many crude and rude comments directed toward parents that are judgmental and mean. Parents today are under the gun to be upbeat, sweet, tactful, and perfect in every situation. Well, for one thing, that is absolutely an impossible feat to accomplish. Back in the day, we tried our best. Our best was good enough. Hence, it was ok to say, “I need a break today, mom, could you watch the kids while I go grocery shopping alone?” It was fine to have a meltdown…children were able to handle it because they were allowed to recognize their parents as humans…not super humans that could be taken advantage of at every turn because…well, hey, mom never gets mad! I’m rambling but I just felt so badly that you were hurting and needed to apologize for it. Go forward, young woman, and give you and your children the benefit of a “human mom!”

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    • Katherine – I find your comment really refreshing. I always look back at the previous generation of moms and all I see IS perfection, so I’m so glad to hear that it wasn’t that way. There were days just like we have those days today. Phew!

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    • What wise words! Thank you for sharing your experience about moms needing to keep it real with their kids.

      My husband and I were raised very differently. He was raised in a household where mothers never shared feelings of extreme emotion because of cultural expectations. They were expected to work hard, serve their families all without complaint. They did have the extended family of women to lean on but with their children and the men they need to do so with an even temper. I was raised with a mom who expressed herself. She expressed both the joy and pain. At the time, it may have been a challenge for me as a child to see my mom going through hard time but looking back on it, it built me into the strong and compassionate mother and woman I am today. My husband has a much much harder time showing and understanding other people’s emotions. He isn’t heartless. I don’t want it to seem that way, but he just doesn’t have the sensitivity I have towards others. He never was allowed to see a range of emotions growing up and wasn’t allowed to express them either. My mom allowed us to express our emotions and she expressed her’s. I am rambling but just saying that it’ll be okay if our kids see us feeling not up in spirits sometimes. It’s normal.

      Reply

  42. Well, here goes my story of my dark pit. I have a 2 year old boy and a 3 year old daughter. My sweet husband and best friend, daddy to my babies died May 2, 2013. I’m trying to figure out this single mother business while trying to fight my grief and confusion. Most of the time, I feel like a complete mess. I’m definitely in my dark pit, feeling very much alone, but these little babies keep me going. Thank you for posting, showing maybe I’m NOT the only mom who is lost without any light. (Prayers always welcome!)

    Reply

    • Oh Ammy…You are not the only one lost, and I am sending a very big hug. I am so sorry for your loss. Thanks for sharing a little part of your story with us.

      Reply

  43. Oh, Alissa! I’ve been right there in the pit with you this fall. I’m finally seeing the light and I’m praying the same for you very soon! I wish you lived closer, I’d be there tonight to pick you up and take you out for some time away from small children! ~HUGS~

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  44. I felt every word as I read your post. This topic is, unfortunately, something that is not talked about often enough in playgroups or circles of friends. And if it is, everyone is quick to cover up their own guilt and insecurity with advice and “quick fixes” for a painful process that seems unavoidable if you are truly trying to parent from a deep, authentic place. My oldest daughter is four, and she is my greatest teacher, but the lessons are often not easy. We survived a dreadful year of food allergies and accompanying colic, a turbulent toddlerhood when her strong-willed nature increasingly expressed itself, and a lack of nearby family for physical and emotional support (my husband and I have not been out without the kids in over a year). I have had to extend myself in ways that would not have seemed possible pre-parenthood (and I taught in inner-city schools). I think the hardest part is that when I know I’m at the low point in the process, I recognize that I really need is a BREAK, but that is almost never an option. So, on those days I can barely form a coherent thought, I trudge on, like you, “acting” love and hoping not to do lasting harm. My husband, while a wonderful, supportive person, does not understand reaching this dark place. He is jealous of all of the time I have with the children (which I can understand because he does not have enough). But I think this gulf in our understanding adds to my loneliness. I thank you so much for sharing your experience. I feel less alone, and confident of the “upswing” in the cycle.

    Reply

    • Wow, Jessica –
      “My husband, while a wonderful, supportive person, does not understand reaching this dark place. He is jealous of all of the time I have with the children (which I can understand because he does not have enough). But I think this gulf in our understanding adds to my loneliness.” — well-written, and something I feel, too, but was unable to articulate. Thank you. 🙂

      Reply

  45. This is beautiful, heart wrenching, vulnerable, honest and 100% needed. I needed that offered hand today, when things have been so hectic with the holidays coming, my patience has all but run out, and I’m questioning myself at every turn.

    I cannot tell you how many times your posts have inspired me, uplifted me, and just plain given me hope.

    I hope you know/can feel that all that you have touched offer you the same love & support that you have given us when you’re in your “pit time”. We ARE all in this together, and it’s a comfort to know!

    Be strong – we’re here for you!

    Reply

  46. Really great post. I find that while my daughter becomes even more fun as she gets older, I also have a much harder time finding patience for her than I used to. Before she was two years old, I could roll with the punches of her melt-downs, her sass, her screaming refusals. She was still a baby to me; she couldn’t yet be held fully accountable. She was just trying to figure this world out.

    Now that she’s almost four, my love hasn’t faded, but my patience has. Because now she should KNOW BETTER, right?! Four is pretty much almost an adult, right?!

    I find myself feeling more shame about my interactions with her than I ever used to. Bodes well for the teen years, eh? But like you, I hope that my spiral as a whole at least has an upward trend. And there can be something powerful about acknowledging your own inadequacy, as a way of transcending it. It’d just be easier if it didn’t take so long.

    Reply

    • Ha! It would be easier if it didn’t take so long, wouldn’t it?! Sometimes I feel like, ‘I just don’t want to learn any more right now!!”
      Perhaps we’ll have it all figured out by the time they’re teens, eh? 😉

      Reply

      • Sometimes being the best person you can be while parenting feels like going out after a fallen comrade instead of ducking down to avoid machine-gun fire. Some people manage to routinely pull heroism out of some hidden pocket in their uniform, but it’s so rare that they often end up shaking the hands of presidents after the fact, getting big shiny medals, having movies made about them. The rest of us remain hunkered down in the trenches, just trying not to die, working up the courage and the experience to make those saving gestures . . . maybe not this time, but maybe next time. Being a hero all the time isn’t fair, or very realistic. But surviving long enough to be a hero during at least a few moments when it really counts, that’s something we can aspire to.

        Reply

  47. The truth is you are not alone. Everyone of us as mothers have felt this very same way. I was a stay at home mom for almost 3 years and there were days when I couldn’t wait until it was time to put the kids to bed because I just needed to be me…not the maid, or the chef, or the mommy a sitting on the couch with 2 babies sitting on my lap watching Dora or Sesame street one…more…time. I have been back to work as a nurse manager for 2 years and now my husband and I have decided I would step down from my position next fall and homeschool but of our kids. My daughter will be going into kindergarten and my little guy will be 3. And I’m not gonna lie, part of me is scared. What if I end up back in that dark place again where the only alone time I get is a quick 10 minute shower? What’s sad is when I get stressed and I am tired my 3 year old says “Mommy?” And I didn’t realize I was answering him with a “what Josh?” In a snotty tone, that is until I now hear my 5 year old talk to Josh the same way. It breaks my heart.

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  48. Thanks to your honesty and open heart I now know what I am going through, the “dark pit”. I am a stay at home mom, have been for a little over a year and I struggle big time being content with that decision. I feel like I am absolutely the worst mom in the world some days because I only have one child, a beautiful little girl who will be 3 in January and I can not for the life of me figure out why I resent her some times.

    Why I can’t be the positive attitude in a difficult situation so that I will teach her how to handle herself. Why she irritates me so badly with the most insignificant, stupid little actions like when I try helping her with the toilet, or try helping her up on the bed before nap time to read books and she shoves my hand away and “NO MOOOMM I CAN DO IT” and I allow myself to become so annoyed and cold that I don’t even want to snuggle her and kiss her good night. Why I allow myself to yell at her for accidently spilling a cup of water. And why I think over talking her is ok and that she understands reasoning. This list is far too long now that I am venting and typing it out…

    Thank you for opening your feelings and sharing this article, although it is nice to know I am not the only mom/parent who has such miserable feelings. It is sad to know that deep breaths and short moments alone are really the only way of dealing with them. All the praying in the world won’t help unless the determination to eliminate the negative feelings or the “dark pit” is strong enough, however I do feel more strength and a better sense of calm when I do pray for help.

    I don’t have sisters and my mom, although she is my best friend is still a critical opinion and not much help aside from allowing me to vent. The girl friends that I do have live so far away and they too start in on advice rather than understanding and sympathy, almost as if they are thinking “ha! I am the better mom”. My husband is my only face to face outlet and he too is often experiencing the “dark pit” so when we start talking we almost make each other worse and become resentful!

    I needed this and I am already starting to feel a little better. I know what our faults are, it all comes down to lack to consistent discipline. Our daughter knows when she’s in trouble but time outs don’t seem to have much effect. When we take special things away after few hours she has forgotten all about it and has moved on to doing the very thing she got in trouble for to start with. Maybe we have too many boundaries, I am a type A personality and very particular about how things are done, where they go, and keeping the house clean and picked up. Too many “no no no’s” and “don’t touch’s” could be the enemy here…

    I feel for each and every mom who has expressed their feelings and we owe it to you, Alissa, for starting the conversation! Thank you

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  50. I was there a few weeks ago and thought I’d never get out. My toddler was not sleeping. Not during the day. Not at night. I was a wreck, so tired and grumpy and impatient that every day was a struggle. I thought he would never sleep again. I spoke to harshly and moved too quickly during this time. But then, just as will always happen, the difficult weeks faded. My toddler began to sleep again. I was rested and found patience and joy in the days. I could move at a slower pace again. I could breath rather than sigh. It will come. Until then just hold on, dig down and get through.

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  51. Thank you. Holding out my hand to you also – I could have written so much of this myself today. My current issue is feeling like my husband & I are on a revolving door policy. He’s at home when I’m out or vice versa, then when we are both home & I’ve had little meaningful adult interaction, we both slump into the sofa & the conversation is next to nothing, so I feel like I may as well be on my own anyway. My brain is slowly being siphoned off & all my energy goes on being mum to a toddler (with varying results & focus), so I have nothing else to give.

    It sucks & it feels like a horrible place that I can’t get out of. So yes, I think I get some of what you’re saying.

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  52. I’m there. I haven’t even been able to read your creative and upbeat solutions to everyday problems, because I’m there and I don’t want to feel worse by seeing how much better I could be. But Something will happen and I will turn that corner and see the glimmer of light and then I’ll be back to read your good ideas again. Thank you.

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  53. This is the part of parenting they don’t tell you about. You will have these moments, and they will continue throughout your parenting journey. They will vary in length, frequency, and intensity, but they will never cease to exist. Because you are dealing with people, people with wills, and personalities. The good news is that they will forgive you. As long as you forgive yourself, and realize you are human, and imperfect. And they will learn that it’s ok to be frustrated, disappointed, angry, and that those emotions can co-exist with love.

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  54. Its so good to know that I am not alone :/ I am a childminder and I started minding so I can stay home with my son who is 2.5 ( I also have 2 2 year old in my care – full time) and I am exhausted phisicly and emotionaly mostly because of my son who is jealous over me, his toys and his home, he is screaming at, pushing and hitting other children and I have to be constantly on his case,I don’t want to be this mum, angry, disappointed and fed up 🙁 but was the alternative send him to another childminder or nursery so I can do my job in peace, what’s the point? 🙁

    Reply

    • I also have a home daycare in the states, and I raised both of my children while I ran it. It was the most challenging child caring I have ever done. I often wished I could just trade kids with another daycare provider, because my children were very challenging due to the jealousy. They are 8 and 6 now though, and I am so grateful I was able to raise them this way. They are the most socially adjusted kids I know. They understand others, and they seek to help their friends. They are verbal, and interested in everything. They can talk to kids and adults equally well. I see now that it was a great choice, but let me tell you it was not easy. Hang in there!

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  57. Thank you for this. This has been my life for theist month at least and I’m still trying to find the flare.
    X

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  58. Thank you so much for the honest and sincere post. I can relate to every word and I think you are doing a wonderful job with your kids. it’s a part of the deal, I guess, of raising, truly raising, you kids. good luck to all of us:)

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  59. It’s been many years since I had little ones to care for, and yet your words brought so many vivid memories to mind – the constant chaos, noise and utter exhaustion! I wish women could talk about the hardships more with less judgement of each other (real or imagined judgement). We could help each other out so much more. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. . . and enjoy the ups that come with the downs.

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  60. I am in the pit more often than I would ever admit. You are definitely not alone.

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  61. You are wonderful for being so honest. Thank you. And your courage to publish the truth is impressive. You are so beautiful/terrific/fantastic 🙂

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  62. You’re not alone. And the fact that you’re thinking about it and analysing it makes you a better parent than what you make out yourself to be.
    p….a….t….i….e….n…..c…..e…..
    i’ve just had a shit tired challenging day like this myself. and I have ONE kid.

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  63. And it is even harder since we have the “easy job”. 24-7. We all go there, get there, and (hopefully) come back from there. Thanks for giving a voice to remind us we are not all alone.

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  64. Thanks for this, I am here and have been for quite a while. Aside from having three kids 4,2 and 5 months my husband had an 8 month affair when I was pregnant with #3 and left us until a few months ago. I am in the pit and have been there for so long. Thank you for reminding me that someday I be out of it. I will be clinging to that thought like a life line.

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  65. Alissa, all i can say is, thank you. I was in the dark pit this morning, so much so that I didn’t think it ever make it out today. I appreciate so much about what you said. Specifically the part about how people don’t want to talk about this part of parenting. I find it when I do, most of the comments I get are: “welcome to motherhood” and “that’s how parenting is” and “we’ve all been there”. I get no sympathy or compassion. There’s just no village. There’s no place to raise our kids together, except through blogs like this. Thank you.

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  66. Thank u for this very raw and real article!! I am reaching out MY hand too. I am a mother if 5 children 2-10 years old. I stay at home with them and find myself unmotivated and resenting my home and my never ending duties!! My husband works a ton to provide for us, but feeling like a single mom just adds to the heartache! I related to your article on a very personal level! The dark pit has been hanging around a little too long, and wondering if counseling is the right road to take or just reaching out and getting that affirmation that I am not the only one that struggles and that it doesn’t make me an awful mom when I do!! Cheers to being better tomorrow!!:)

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  67. This is so where I am. I needed this uplifting message. Thanks for being authentic and honest!!!!

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  68. Thank you for sharing. Every mother should read this. And knowing that we are not alone is a huge bright light in a dark tunnel. Hang on mothers! We are on our way to a great future as we see our children growing up to be a great people! *sorry for my messy english 🙂

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  70. Thank you. You put into words all the feelings i would not have known how to say or think or write. Thank you <3

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  72. Thank you so much for writing this, and writing it right now when it rings so true for me. I know the dark pit and I take your hand as you reach out – and once again thank you for writing this, for as you so rightly say it is a place where we feel shame and I really thought I was alone. Although you are in the dark pit right now, you have still managed to shine a light for other parents who are in there with you – for me. Your article has given me some confidence to carry on, so thank you.

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  73. Thank you for sharing this. I am now a grandmother but know many going through this same thing. It always appears that everyone else is doing so much better. They appear so organized etc. Believe me they go through the same thing. It helps to know that you are not the only one.

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  76. I am so stumped by all the fabulous-ness all around me (bunch of kids creating fab stuff, gorgeous houses, disciplined kids, happy ones, no crying, screaming and stomping), that I feel like a loser – who loses patience easily, who has the least bit of creativity up her sleeves and has no idea how to manage when she herself is emotionally down. Your posts helps me realize that I am not alone, I needed this a lot and I know I will be rereading this and having a conversation with you in my head on my hard days.

    Reply

    • Oh boy, I know what you mean – on the days when I look at Pinterest and find myself feeling bad instead of feeling inspired I know it’s time for some self care. We all wind up in the dark from time to time. I can’t tell you how heartening it is to read all of these comments and hear that I am not alone.

      Thank you,
      Alissa

      Reply

      • I completely know what you mean! Just like when you subscribe to lots of neat idea sites on Facebook and then are pelted by them on a grainy bleary Monday mornign before coffee… I’m with you!

        🙂

        Michelle

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  77. Amen sister!! Thank you so much for your courage and willingness to be so open. I am very grateful!

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  78. Oh yes. I am here, and I know I’ll get out. But there is comfort is knowing others are there as well.

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  79. Thank you for having the incredible courage to write this post!! OMGosh, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in that pit and the shame of it almost killed me. Quite literally, actually. I have struggled with depression for years…but the only times I have ever contemplated suicide (and yes, attempted it) was when I was in that parenting pit. We *need* this message to get out to parents. That we are not alone when we feel like this. We need to be able to reach out to each other *without* feeling like we will be shamed for feeling like that. For the parenting mistakes we make while in the pit. We need loving arms and words to wrap around us and help us find our way back out of it again. And again. And again.

    I will be sharing the heck out of this post. And I’m sending you virtual {{hugs}}, my brave friend, for opening up and being so courageous!!

    Reply

    • Melissa, thank you so much for your compassion and I’m sending virtual (((hugs))). And thank you for sharing the post as well. I too think that this is the kind of thing all of us need to read from time to time so we can remember that we’re not terrible, we’re not alone and there is hope.

      Thanks,
      Alissa

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  80. THANK YOU! I feel like this often, My favorite part is about the exhaustion of giving too much to others. So many of us mom’s are like that, but are ashamed to admit it. I have felt every feeling and done every action you described in this piece. You are so brave to share because your right, it is not about the advise from others it is simply knowing you are not psycho crazy for having those feelings and you are not alone. That is my hand in your hand, I am not in the pit right now (that was last week) so hold my hand, I see the light. This time I can be the one to lead you home.

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  81. You are not alone.

    Sometimes, in my deepest, darkest pit, I wonder if I’m making a mistake being a SAHM. I don’t know if I can do another day of this. And just as you so eloquently described, I push on and somehow crawl out of the pit. With mud underneath my fingernails and scratches on my face… but I do get out and so will you.

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  82. I’m so down there at the moment I don’t know how to snap or climb out of it. I know I’m not alone and neither are you. Thanks a lot for sharing

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  83. Thank you so much for writing this. It really needs saying, and you said it so well. Parenting full-time is hard, it is exhausting, it is relentless. But it is so good to hear I am ‘allowed’ to feel like this because someone else has said it.

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  84. “This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine. Ohhh, this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine. This little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine – Let it shine, all the time, until I’m fine.”
    “Walking through toys and crumbs – I’m gonna let it shine.”
    “Dealing with fights and bumps – I’m gonna let it shine”
    Even when I’m down in the dumps – I’m gonna let it shine.”
    Let it shine, Let it shine, It’ll be fine give it time.”

    Good luck. Thanks for sharing – from one dark pit to another.

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  86. I am feeling so relieved having read this. I could have written this exact post (not as well but you know what I mean) only I am too exhausted. Thank you for your honesty. It’s so good to know I’m not alone. What a wonderful group of women here, I could huge you all.

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  87. Hi Alissa, thanks for sharing. My kids are a little older now, and it is getting much easier, but even today I had those moments where I really wanted to yell. It is so good to know we are not horrible mothers, and how else would we know that except by connecting through posts like yours. Thanks for the honesty. I don’t know if you’ve come across a parenting coach named Sandi Schwartz, she is here in California, she just wrote a new book called Authentic Parenting Power. I love it, it gets to the root of it all. It has helped me through many a dark time. Maybe you will find something you like. 🙂

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  88. wow wow wow
    I could have written this myself- but exactly like you said- I have just been too tired to write anything.
    I have 2 and a half year old twins. they are at that age where they think they can do everything themselves but in reality they are just plain dangerous. This combined with being inside most of the day is truly making my head spin. There was a particular snow day last week where I truly felt I yelled all day. I was rushing them to bed because I was so done with the day. When they went to sleep I just cried and cried- felt guilty for yelling, guilty for rushing these little people to sleep. It was a dark dark place. I loved your learning and relearning quotes. That is something I will take with me- these kids are constantly changing and just when we think we figure them out…. we need to relearn things.
    Thank you again

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  89. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Today I needed to know that I’m not alone and I’m not the only mother who feels this way about her children sometimes. Being a parent is hard work, work that no degree or book can ever prepare you for. It’s so true that it takes a village to raise a family and I am blessed to have that village in my family and friends, but sometimes in those moments where all you want to do is cry or scream, you feel alone. We will all get through these tough days/weeks/months and although we feel as if we are alone, it’s posts and stories like these that remind us that we are all in this together! Thank you again for your honesty!

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  90. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I am a mom of a 3 1/2yo and 2 1/2 yo twins and today I needed to know that I’m not alone and I’m not the only mother who feels this way about her children sometimes. Being a parent is hard work, work that no degree or book can ever prepare you for. It’s so true that it takes a village to raise a family and I am blessed to have that village in my family and friends, but sometimes in those moments where all you want to do is cry or scream, you feel alone. We will all get through these tough days/weeks/months and although we feel as if we are alone, it’s posts and stories like these that remind us that we are all in this together! Thank you again for your honesty!

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  91. Thank you for this. None of us are alone on this parenting journey, but there are days when it feels like the closest hand to hold is just too far and no one could possibly understand how hard it is. Thank you for your eloquence and your lucidity. And most of all thank you for your commitment to love and compassion for your family as you grow together. Including yourself. Such an important message and example so that others can give themselves permission to love themselves and find their light again, even when in the pit.

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  92. This couldn’t have been more timely. Thank you for sharing. I have been I. The dark pit a lot lately. So exhausted from life and when my daughter has a meltdown i have to keep my self from throwing myself on the ground and scream and cry. *sigh* not a fun place to be at all.

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  93. Thank you for being so authentic. You are not alone in these thoughts. Most are just not honest about them. My dark pit centers around guilt and all the things I could or should have done better for my son. He has some special needs and I’m constantly second guessing if something I did or failed to do has contributed. Or I feel like a bad mom when the last thing I want to do is make him go to another speech appointment. My good friend says “if parenting is hard then you’re doing it right”. That simple quote helps me remember that all of this is so hard because of the unparalleled love I have for my boy. The photos of your kids are precious by the way. Sending good thoughts your way.

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  94. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for that post. I am feeling exactly exactly like that today and reading about someone else feeling the same way has made a world of difference. Thank you. x

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  97. Thank you so much for writing this! I have been feeling the exact same way the past few days. I love my daughter so much, but she two and appropriately self-centered and going through a super whiney phase. I find that she is trying my patience often these days. Not only are you not alone, but you have comforted me and I’m sure many others by letting us know that we are not alone either. Thanks again!

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  98. A heartfelt thank you. Your messages spark the light I need to see my way through.

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  99. Thank you! I feel this way sometimes and feel so guilty for it. Like it makes me a bad mom. Thank you for showing me its ok and normal. We will always come around and we all love our children so much and so thoroughly that sometimes we are at the end of our rope.

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  100. This was me last week. I went on such a rant to a friend about how I love my kids (I keep having to add that disclaimer, because I don’t want anyone to think otherwise), but I just need a break sometimes. I don’t have that ‘village’ around me, and it’s so intense. We have friends, but we have to keep the conversation light. I go to playgroups, but have to keep it even lighter. I worry that people might think I’m a basket case who can’t handle (or be trusted with) her kids, or just not want to be around me if I’m that upset sometimes, and I’m already feeling isolated enough. I also don’t want people to suggest I should go back to work… I feel I need to prove that it works for me to take this time to be with my kids. I need to look like I have it all together. I need to look like it’s good for the kids, too. All the time.

    I liked reading from a parent who obviously loves her kids, like I do mine. It’s reassuring to know other loving, devoted parents still feel like this sometimes. Maybe all of us, by the looks of these comments. Sounds like a lot of us could use someone to talk to about it.

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  101. Thank you for this. I appreciate your honesty. I have found myself in the dark pit more than ever lately and the guilt is consuming me. I’m thankful to know I’m not alone.
    I know I will get out… Until the next time 🙂

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  102. Thank you. I fall into the pit periodically due to stress, weather, growth phases of kids, etc. I’m in it now. When I finally realize what I’m doing, that is when I can turn it around by focusing on self-care (sleep) or reading one of my favorite parenting books (Kids, Parents, & Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka) or just plain dropping everything to connect with my kids. I hope this doesn’t sound like advice, but after reading all the comments I just wanted to share what works for me to help others. We are not alone.

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  103. “Drowning in the needs of others”– oh, my, yes. My fiance also has mental needs and sometimes I just.can.not.handle.one.more.thing. on my plate.
    And “I feel too tired to reach out because I know I don’t have the emotional strength to deal with it if my hand gets slapped.”
    Yep. Bookmarking this. Oh, mama, thank you. Thank you for this. I am keeping this so I can read it again and again when I am in that pit. Parenting is hard. Single parenting is harder. Single parenting with a partner who is also, himself, sometimes (not always, but it always happens in a low point for me) a very weak child, well, some days it’s harder than anything.
    I am SO grateful for this post. Bless you.

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  104. Oh Alissa! You speak so honestly for so many of us. I am a 46 year old mother of three sons, all on the autistic spectrum. I’ve been in a great many pits over the years, mostly full of laundry from wet beds, soiled pants & irrational behaviour!
    If only there was more brutal honesty there might be less child abuse and fewer parents on anti-depressants. The brilliant thing about parenting though, is that just one Golden Moment (a hug, watching them sleep, a small warm hand in yours) makes up for days of tedium and despair. I write down our Golden Moments in a book when I can.
    I work for a disability charity now and run workshops here in the UK for parent-carers who often feel angry, alone, resentful and who are grieving for the loss of the child they dreamed of and struggle with a child they love but weren’t expecting. Could I please use your article as part of this?
    You’re not alone ~ you are a brave voice and we need more of you! x

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    • Hi I to am a parent of 3 boys, 2 on the spectrum and with the soiled pants and irrational behaviour, totally recognize that place, all I want is acceptance for what I said (when I talk to family or friends) not attempts to give me advice for something they think they know! but every day is a new day and stepping outside for 10 helps!
      Alissa, I’ll be waiting with you…….. sometimes time in that place is what I need!! to evaluate life.

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  105. Allissa
    Thank you for your honesty. I think
    many of us moms are afraid to be so honest for fear of judgement. I am single mom raising three young daughters. My husband died tragically 5 years ago this season. I appreciate knowing other mom’s experience darker moments along with the joys!!!!

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  106. me too, big hugs. I always feel monstrously guilty when this happens because my children are adopted, so they already had rubbish parenting and I wanted them so much and still do so I feel like to deserve them I have to be great all the time when sometimes adequate is about all I can do.

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    • Gina, I have heard from numerous adoptive parents now who tell me they are relieved to hear that these feelings are not unique to adoptive parents. So much love to you on your parenting path. Lou, who posted earlier in this comment thread, posted a powerful list of things she has learned from adoption on the CWK facebook page. I feel like I need to print out her list – these ideas are apt for ALL parents. Here is what she said,
      “I have learnt so much over the last 18 months from my two adopted boys.
      My eldest boy is 8 with the emotional age of a 4 year old, he tries to be so mature at school, so regularly loses it at home. He also struggles with attachment.
      1) I can’t be perfect
      2) It doesn’t matter I’m not perfect
      3) Acknowledging you child’s feelings and your own allows you to connect with them
      4) Down time for everyone is so important.
      5) Start each day as a new day
      6) Talk to someone”

      Thanks for sharing a little of your story here.
      ~Alissa

      Reply

      • Gina,
        I am the Lou of the above list!
        I was referred to a clinical psychologist 8 weeks ago and something she asked me to remember is. “Adopted children have very low expectations of parents and adoptive parents have extremely high expectations of themselves.” She asked me to relax my expectations of myself (I’m a self confessed perfectionist). It is incredibly hard to do, and some days I struggle (today!) but it is making a real difference to our home.
        Please don’t be hard on yourself, I have learnt that it makes things even harder.
        Lou x

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  107. Oh my. Did I EVER need to read this today. I have felt this way many times recently- you are most definitely not alone. I am so thankful that you mustered the courage and energy to write this down- it will help so many others find comfort in knowing that they, too, are not alone.

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  108. Oh no, you are not alone. It might feel like it, but you are not. We all struggle, fail, struggle, get some of it right and then fall into bed exhausted. Your post makes me want to stop by your house to out dinner in your crock pot so you can have a break and a hot meal all at the same time,.

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  110. “when I am in the dark pit and I don’t have the energy or emotional resources to set things right”….. I needed to read this today. Thank you, thank you.

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  111. Thanks for this. NO you are not alone. We all go through this at one time or another. My husband works 2 full-time jobs right now, so I often feel like a single parent. Thank goodness for my parents and a good babysitter who often have to watch my daughter until 10 pm some nights due to my work schedule. I often find with me I put more stuff on myself than I need to. I don’t have to bake 6 kinds of Christmas cookies. 2 kinds will be fine. I will be less stressed about having or needing to do things that I think are important at the time, but in the long run are not important at all. I also try to squeeze to much “to do” stuff into one day. I am learning these things about myself and am trying to adjust accordingly.

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  112. You’re not alone and i have faith in you. Sending a hug and hopes that things get brighter very soon.xx

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  113. wow! thanks so much for this. i have been feeling this way all week.
    just what i needed to hear.

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  114. Sounds normal to me, and only human too! I couldn’t cope with working and having 3 children, and I was fortunate enough to be home until the youngest was in school full time. Now, years later, with 4 grandchildren, I still find there are days, that I want to step out of my skin. I love my children, my grandchildren, and my husband, but technology has sped up life so much, that nobody gets the rest they need to meet the challenges of the day.

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  117. Thank you so much!!! I am a single mom whose oldest is 16 and youngest is 3- and all I want is for them to do better for themselves. Between work schools daycare housework bills and a 3 year old that does not sleep at night- sometimes the weight of it all feels so crushing and amongst the chaos and running it is so easy to feel completely invisible.

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  118. Here is my hand. Let me walk quietly with you while you take this time to feel your needs and try to address them. Feel our gentle breathing as a rhythm of relaxing and letting go. Tell that noisy critic in your head to take a hike. We are all trying to walk with you as you fumble through these confusing feelings. You clearly love your children. Let us help you start to love you too.

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  119. You are not alone! I am right there with ya and this is just what I needed to read right now, so thank you! Sending a big hug your way!

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  120. Thank you for your honesty. I used to think I was the only one who had these moments of feeling in the dark pit. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I was the only parent that ever had these moments. I have tears in my eyes reading what you wrote, knowing first hand what that is like and how hard it is. It truly resonates with me and I thank you for being so brave to openly share what this is like so we can all support each other because I now realize we are truly not alone. Reading this is life changing for me, thank you.

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  121. If I only had such support years ago. I am a Grammy of four. My husband and I raised two children ourselves but most of the time it was me. Working, teaching them how to play soccer, etc. So much to do! Drowning in it all. The young Moms have said it best! Help and support each other. It is so important. No one should feel so deflated of energy and emotion by the end of the day. It just isn’t healthy for Mom or the family. Kids can see through the mask! You’d be surprised how loving they can be when Mom takes the mask off. Their hugs are so sincere. I only wish I could do more for my daughter and daughter in law. You kids are doing an outstanding job. Remember… parenting is the hardest, most important and most fulfilling gift we give. Please love yourselves as well.

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  122. Sometimes, just expressing these feelings can be a huge weight off your shoulders. I hope you find that relief and know that you’re definitely not alone and there’s nothing wrong with feeling overwhelmed. You shouldn’t feel shame because you don’t want to fingerprint 24/7. I hope you get some time to do things JUST for you and reenergize your soul.

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  123. You are NOT alone! You are loved, appreciated and understood! Prayers for peace for your heart, mind and soul and that your joy may be restored.

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  124. You’re not alone! And you’ll make it through! I have those times too with my son, and they’re awful and lonely and disheartening, but when you get out, things are so bright. I hope and pray you’re out soon, and stay out fir a long while.

    Love and prayers from your Love Bomb friend, Claudia

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  125. Holy cow… this hit home for me. The part where you talk about not being able to face the normal kid outbursts without having one of your own… I totally know that feeling. Thank you for your honesty. It is wonderful, helpful and relieving to know I am not alone, and as moms, we are really in this together.

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  126. The dark pit is so full of awesome Mummies, we all fall in sometimes and more importantly we lift each other out too! Take a breath and pat yourself on the back for getting this far and being brave enough to share your story. Focus on the good stuff, leave the rubbish in yesterday.
    Love and peace.

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  127. Oh Alissa. I heard about you on Love Bomb, and while I am not a mother, I didn’t even know how much I needed to hear your story today. I needed to be reminded that none of us can find all of our ducks ALL the time much less put them in a perfect row every day.

    Thank you for calling out to us all who struggle, for letting us know you are here with us, and for speaking what we are too tired to acknowledge.

    Much love to you today and always!
    Tina from Texas!

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  128. You are absolutely right – you are not the only one who experiences this or feels this way. The simplest daily routine can become overwhelming at times! Venting certainly helps – and knowing that you are not alone helps even more! Keep on keeping on, and keep encouraging others who are experiencing the same struggle! Love and hugs from Arkansas!

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  129. This made me want to cry. I have felt this way for so long. The worst part of all of it for me is the feelings of guilt. I always feel maybe I was not meant to be a mother or I do not possess the strength to suck it up for the sake of my child. It leaves me feeling weak and unworthy. It’s good to know that I am not alone. I know I’ll figure out how to get through it but the process is exhausting.

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  130. Thank you for posting. You are not alone. I have been there many days (my son is 12) Merry Christmas to you and your family.

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  131. As a 21-year-old, I know that I didn’t realize just how much my parents did (and continue to do) for me until I was older. I know that may not be comforting right now, but what you’re doing is worth it! I am so, so thankful for and humbled by the sacrifices my parents made for me, and I love them so much. I’ve always loved them, even if I was a difficult child at times. It may seem like your kids don’t understand right now, but if they’re anything like me, they will someday. Sending love your way!

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  133. Thank you so much for this. My daughter suffers from ODD (which means we all suffer with and through it). I have been in a pit for a while now and the honesty of your post gives me strength. Thank you so much.

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  134. This brought a tear to my eye! It feels so good to not be alone in the dark! You only hear the good from parents but sometimes we need to share the bad too so others dont feel ashamed.

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  135. Thank you for finding the strength to write this. I don’t know how you did because what you wrote is “me” right now and I can imagine it took a lot of you to even type this out. You are SO not alone. I have 5 children from 12 years old to 4 and the 4 year olds are twins. I’m so exhausted, not getting enough sleep b/c of anxiety. And I feel so inadequate to do this job. I don’t want to mess up. But I am constantly falling short. God will give us the energy, creativity and strength to get back up and do this well. 🙂

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  137. I am in tears right now (literally!), because it’s where I am. I’m a mom of 5 (10 and under), soon to be 6, homeschooling with only one vehicle, with family a 1000 miles away (literally!). Enough said. The beam that has been laid upon my shoulders makes me scream “DAMN, that hurts!!!”
    Thank you for writing this. It comes at a ‘low point’ in my life.

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  138. Thank You for this. I have dealt with, not always suffered, severe depression for almost 30 years now. There are good days and there are bad days. 9 months ago I got custody of the twelve year old son of my step daughter. Who just happens to have Oppositional Defiant Disorder. I love him like he is my own, I would do anything for him. But, there are those days when the monsters of depression take over and it is all I can do to not hide in the closet and cry never mind give him the consistent boundaries he needs. When I can barely make it into the shower, it seems impossible to fight about the amount of time he gets to play on the X box because his friends have no limits. When those scary thoughts of self-harm are knocking on the door of my mind, I don’t have what it takes to answer the e-mail from the teacher about him disrupting class or cheating on a test. When his therapist reminds me AGAIN that he will only get better if I am a “better parent” I want to quit. But I don’t. I do all I can for him, remind him that I love him, listen to his outrageous 12 year old stories, and strive to truly be with him when he will let me. I just hope doing all I can is enough.

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  139. Thank You So Much For Sharing Your Story! I Find Myself In This “Dark Pit” Quite Often and Carry So Much Guilt That I’ve Often Wanted To Just “RUN AWAY” and Never Look Back:( and Then I See The Faces Of MY Beautiful Children and KNOW I HAVE To Pull Myself Out Of This Dark Tired Place. In A Weird Way It’s Nice/Soothing To Know I’m Not The Only One! So Again Thank You For Sharing.

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  140. Thank you for sharing this Alissa. I have been there on occasion and I know the shame and guilt. For you to reach out is so important. I think almost everyone goes to the dark place now and then and it helps to know we are not alone. Thank you again for your courage to share this. Gari Stein from Ann Arbor MI

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  141. I am here, too. In the pit of exhaustion, frustration, not being enough, being too much, overwhelmed, suffocating, yelling, silent, resentful, angry at my reactions, forgetting to breathe, and more. I am in this pit and yearn to crawl out. I’ll get out. Slowly. Surely. In time. Thank you so very much for writing this piece.

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  142. Thanks for sharing that. I’m in a pit that’s dark, but not just with my child and it’s so great to know I’m not alone and that things do change. I hope they change for the better x

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  143. Thank you for that. You’re not alone in that. Lighting a candle with you, and with all these other hard working mamas just trying to get it right, one day at a time.

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  144. Reading this i almost feel like I have written it. It gives me some comfort here you say this because it is what i am thinking. Sometimes i want to look at my kids and tell them to go away because i don’t think i can handle ONE MORE THING but, they need me. They need me to get them milk, wipe their butts, listen to them cry and fuss. It is so hard to just be there sometimes. then i feel like im complaing about the one thing in life that i wanted so much and i feel guilty about what im feeling. It is so hard to be a mother. You have without a doubt turned on the light in my tunnel.

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  145. Stumbled on this from Pinterest. Thank you for being vulnerable and honest! I have been there over and over and hate it! Those days when you cry out and feel like not a soul in the world hears you. You put into words exactly how I am and have felt. Thanks. Praying for a renewal of my brokenness!

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  146. I could have written this last week…maybe not as well…when I was in the pit. My kids were starting to get sick and were SO VERY whiney and needy for days on end. And we were home, inside, for a few days because of the snow. I was loosing my s**t. I was trying so hard not to yell. Trying so hard to be the mom they needed me to be when all I wanted to do was run away.

    I think I may have written this in my head…maybe not as well…when I was talking to my mom one day:
    “I don’t need suggestions, criticism or nitpicking over what parts of parenting I’m doing wrong. Believe me, if there’s anything I can over think, it’s parenting. I can tell you in great detail the list of things I could be doing better.”

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  147. Ha. Today I have written the first paragraph of a blog post that I see you have already written for me! It’s not just kids, either. It’s breaking appliances and cars and the heat bill and bank accounts — things they know nothing about and need not worry about… I’d send you light if I had some, but it’s good, wonderful, hopeful to read your post and all the comments — about the frequency of it all.. I’m going to pull the covers over my head for half an hour and try again, pretend it’s a new day at 2 in the afternoon! xx Angela
    ps I think I referred to you as Allison rather than Alissa the other day, sorry! xx a

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  148. I understand this oh so well. I am in my own dark pit today, and last night, and to be honest for the last few days. Poor me, I hate the pit. Thanks for writing about it.

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  149. Thank you for sharing. It is a much needed sentiment today. Feeling unloving in wanting to be alone. Bathroom breaks are just not giving me enough space to recover.

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  150. Wow. Thanks SO very much for putting this experience out there. And for living it. And for being brave enough to share. You are very much not alone.

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  151. Perfectly said. Thank you. And I’m right there with ya. Shame, guilt, blame. Hoping that I’ve learned my lesson only to find out in time that I have not. yet. … *sigh*

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  152. Thank you so much for sharing this. I know it must have been daunting to type out these words. I, too, am often in the pit of darkness. It is amazing to read my exact thoughts (written better than I can think them, by the way 🙂 Thank you for reminding me that there is another side and it is filled with light. Also, that I am not alone nor am I the horrible mother the inner tyrant rants about. Again, thank you.

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  153. I amost cried when I read your message. I was feeling the same way and I thought how horrible Iam as a mom. Ever failing in my task to be the best mother for my kids.I struggled everyday and I sometimes thought I got it but most of the time I realize I’m back to square one. I love my kids and would do everything for them but there are days that I just want to escape.Now I know I’m not alone and indeed there would be a light at the end of this tunnel

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  155. Thank you so much for this, I’m literately crying, exactly how I feel right now, I’m in that dark pit today…I’m not alone and I’m not fraud, I’m not as bad as I thought, is just one of those days…

    THANKS!!

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  156. Trust me, you are not alone. And you’re right…it’s a difficult thing to admit. Being a mother is not the fun, all smiles, full with a beautifully made up face, as Tori Spelling likes the world to let us think it is. It is hard. It’s even harder to admit the resentments that build up that, unfortunately, our children have to shoulder at times.

    Thank you for this post.

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  157. Thank You! Exactly the message I needed to read at O’dark thirty. Your words and feelings are so right. It’s nice to know I am not the only one who doesn’t need to hear advice, just someone to say: “I hear you, it will get better, hang in there…

    So here is a little piece if my candle to add to yours. No shame, no guilt, no judgement.

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  158. Yes. So, so with you. I struggle frequently and have for the last 11 years and 2 children. I try to comfort myself with knowing that at least they might be getting resilience from my darker moments. Thanks for your kindness and these words.

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  159. Thank you. Thank you for sharing, and caring enough to share and say it out loud.
    It sucks in the black place. So many of us go there from time to time. There is light, it will end, things will shift, someone or something will click and you will move on. We all do, eventually. Hang on in there. Sending you light and love.

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  160. I am currently trying to climb out of my pit but sometimes the darkness drags you back again. Thanks for sharing, it has given me some comfort that I am not there alone and actually it’s a normal part of being a parent and we are sometimes in that pit because we love our children, because we care and because we give so much of ourselves. Hopefully I will make it to the surface soon. Xx

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  161. Bawling my eyes out in my dark pit…I sooooooooo needed this message today….Thankyou

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  162. I am at exactly the same pit with you. Didnt know i could hold out my hand and someone would hold it. Thank you for thiis. Extending out a hand for you to hold in these dark times.

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  163. Read this again, knowing that moms like me do not just snap out of being “a horrible mom”. My son is now in middle school and I go to the dark pit more often know. I thought I had it easy now that my kids (11 and 7) are older. I have to remind myself to be thankful that they are smart, healthy and loving kids! Thanks again for this post!

    Wishing everyone well!
    Tracy

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  164. Thank you. That’s where I’m now. It is silly but I’m glad I’m not alone driven by guilt. Thank you.

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  165. Wow, thanks so much for writing this, it is exactly how I feel right now. As much as I hate people going through hard times, it really makes me feel so much better to see so many of you having the same experiences, at least it means i’m not the monster i feel like i am some days, seems everyone goes through this at some point. Wishing all you brave awesome moms a ladder to help you out your pits xxx

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  166. Thank you. This has made me feel less alone and less ashamed. You have helped save me from a deep, dark downward spiral. Thank you so much.

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  168. Hi.  I am new to your page. I just stumbled upon it on Pinterest.  After reading this I am sitting at my desk at work in tears.  This pretty much sums up EXACTLY where I am at right now.  I have 3 children, ages 8, 2 and 1.  Between the joys/struggles of raising two toddlers and dealing with my older daughter’s “precocious puberty” hormones I definitely feel “flayed open” by the end of the day.  Throw on top of that the daily 7 – 5 of work and trying to maintain a healthy relationship with the hubby (we just celebrated our 2 year anniversary), and I literally feel like I have nothing left to give by bedtime.  I have been struggling with some postpartum depression and the feelings of inadequacy and guilt.  Reading this has touched me more than any words from friends/family has in what feels like a very long time.  I just wanted to shout THANK YOU for this beautiful page!  I cannot wait to explore more!

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  169. I’ve never read your blog before… though as I stood in the kitchen tonight after the kids were in bed after another HORRENDOUS day, the words “Parenting from the pit” came into my head. I opened my computer, googled those words and here you are…right beside me. Thank you.

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  173. Here’s my candle:
    In this day and age of wonderful social media, all we see are parents being the best parent ever. No one shows the pit of despair. Because, “OMG!!WHAT WILL THE NEIGHBORS THINK? THE FAMILY? FRIENDS? ONLINE FRIENDS? MY PARENT GROUPS? SCHOOL PARENTS? I HAVE TO GET EVERYTHING RIGHT!!” And no one is allowed to fail. Without failing, there is no growth. Without your days of the pit, there’s no rebuilding. No finding your inner strength and realizing you can rise above parenting. Parenting isn’t easy. Every parent has their dark days. And if they say they don’t, they are lying. They are keeping up appearances. More parents should be getting together socially and physically face to face, not they social media. No smart phones. No tablets. That way you can share your stories. To help each other. Remember when parents used to do that with play dates or play dates without the kids? And I should be following my own advice for when I’m in my pit. On the days I feel so overwhelmed it’s like I’m breathing in a plastic bag to calm down instead of a paper bag. On days when my back is in too much pain that I can barely walk myself to the bathroom, let alone get their meals or get them dressed as I’m staring at the mountain of toys spoiling from the bedroom into the living room. Realizing I’m 31 with a back that will leave me with only one leg to use if I bend or step wrong and trying to figure out what kind of parent am I being to these poor kids as I limp to the door to go smoke a cigarette and drop a few tears from stress because my children and husband are the last people that deserve this. Then, you have no one to really talk to because they’ll offer advice. Which I don’t need. So I stay in my bubble. My own world of impending doom. And I have to be to work at 5. How can I work my measly part time job without being able to breathe… But I shuffle off anyway. I see it as a flashlight of hope. It’s a break, even though I’m wrecking my body more. And when I come out of that One style of pit (I feel I have different pits due to different feelings), I’m super mom and super wife again. Till the next pit…..

    You’re far from alone, dear.

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  174. Yes, yes, yes! My pit isn’t quite as dark and deep as some others, but I have my bad days. My son is adopted, and when I think of everything we’ve been through to get to this point, I feel so guilty and ashamed if I have a negative, “I’m-so-tired-I-can’t-do-this-I’m-just-not-in-the-mood” kind of day. Of course I feel so lucky and blessed to have him in our lives, he’s more than we could’ve ever hoped and wished for, and most of the time he’s a little star. But when he has his mischievous, challenging moments, I feel as though I’m not allowed to be frustrated or stressed or even angry – it’s as though I’m being ungrateful, which I’m not. It’s a tough one!
    Thank you for your openness and honesty about a very difficult subject.

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  175. I have been living in the pit of dispair for the 5 years that I have had my children. The three main feelings I have are guilt, guilt and…. oh yeah guilt. I have found, down in the depths of the pit of dispair a vicious cycle, which needs a whole lot of strength to break out of. I don’t have the strength to hold back the shouting and it makes me feel guilty, which makes me feel more of a failure, which makes me feel worthless, which make me feel guilty for not being a better mum, which makes me angry, which makes me shout, which makes me feel guilty, which makes me feel even more of a failure, which makes me feel….

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  176. thank you. as a single mum with depression this has reduced me to tears to feel I’m not alone.

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  177. Thank you for sharing. You’re never alone in this. Brought home many of my own feelings.
    You’re doing better than me, the shouting and having to leave before it gets worse, then the guilt and rational mind wondering what sort of example am I setting, no wonder they can’t master their emotions when I can’t master mine.
    A new day, a new start to learning together.
    Good luck today, everyone.

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  179. Thank you. Thank you so much for posting this. This is me right now and I really needed to hear that it’s not just me and that I am not the worst mother ever. You are so brave to have even written this down let alone published it, so thank you from the bottom of my heart. X

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  180. My weekend has just been like this ! So glad to find out I’m not the only one with this feeling. Thank you

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  181. Thank you for being so brave- I’m there in that dark pit. Just recently I can see some light . So I understand how you, and many of us mums feel . Thanks again

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  182. If you could hold my hand right now I’d appreciate it because I’ve just snapped horrendously at my son who means everything in the world to me. I’ve been so super patient since school finished and we’ve laughed and had fun, but then he asked and asked and asked again for something I’d explained twice and I shouted. I’m so ashamed of myself.

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  185. Needed to read this today, thank you. A six week old and a two year old have resulted in this week me feeling like I’m constantly doing what I can to hold together some semblance of normality while inside I’m screaming for 5 minutes silence!! Yet also feeling so lucky to have these two and so guilty or feeling such a mix of emotions. Thanks for letting me know I’m not alone.

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  186. Reading this with tears streaming down my face….reading this has given me the strength to make it through another day…to know that I’m not alone and others feel like this too means so much…thank you for writing this

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  187. Brilliantly described, so true. I have been through this and I think I can finally say that I have more good than bad times these days. But it is so very hard and made harder that so few people are honest about how they really feel. Easy to feel like a failure

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    • Thanks Helen; it is hard when you start to feel so alone. When you’re already stressed and then you start wondering if there’s just something fundamentally wrong with you, since everyone else seems so WITH IT…it doesn’t help with the stress level. It is also something that’s hard to write about, because nobody really wants to hear a bunch of complaints, right? We’re not alone in having these feelings though, yet I think they mean we’re growing, not failing.

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  188. You’re so not alone! Thanks for this – such an antidote to the usual “I made cupcakes with my triplets, then took them rafting” posts one so often sees… I have snapped at my daughter far too often of late, but I’m still trying to hold on to my sanity and appreciate her more each day. It’s bloody hard, though, and it often makes me despair of ever getting it right. But, the proof will be in the pudding, and we’ll **** them up somehow, anyway. So long as, on the whole, they’re reasonably balanced, mostly happy, and healthy and safe – well, in my book, that’s good enough. Who cares if they’ve never baked a cupcake? There are other things that I’m teaching her to do, that no Perfect Parent has even thought of yet. I just don’t document it in public all the time. Swings and Roundabouts. Thank you so much for this post. xx

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  189. It has been a long while since you posted this, but it spoke to my heart now as I just discovered your blog and I am so grateful for it. Your brave beautiful words and sentiment resonate so strongly with how I am feeling and the feeling of not being alone is tremendous. I also started you kindness heart project – just making the hearts (and writing kind words on them) and talking about how we would use them as a reminder to be kind with my kids this morning was a huge release and very comforting to me. I know all the things I “should” do to be a positive and peaceful parent but having an action project to give me a visible reminder is priceless. I cannot thank you enough, I very much appreciate your efforts! Take care!

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  190. Ailsa I live in Sheffield, England. I hear you from all the way over here and was nearly in tears on the way to work. I can’t tell you the number of times I have sat in the loo, locked in to barricade myself from my darlings who at that moment I can’t be near. And if I’m lucky some days I’ll see one of your posts while I’m in there and it gives me the grain of strength I need to carry on.

    The age old phrase “this to will pass” has often helped me.

    So much love is being sent from here. Thanks for everything.

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  191. I am a new reader to your site, it is 2:30 in the morning. I have been up crying since the family went to bed and searching why I feel like such a horrible mom! I have been feeling a little better reading your other posts for example, raising an angry child. I have never come across anything like that and thank you for that. But feeling like a failure, maybe I didnt love him enough early in life, having no clue that others are in the same boat and especially never before finding the tools to help him other than peoples rude opinions and horrible advice have me in a regular dark pit at this time in my life. The shameful feeling and guilt bubbles into all areas of my life. I give you praise and grace for being brave enough to write about the hardest parts of
    motherhood allowing myself some grace to try outside the box to help teach my son and dig my own way out of the pit.
    Thank you
    I would also like to add how refreshing it is to see so many moms feel safe and unjudged in order build each other up rather than parenting as a competition.

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  192. Thank you, thank you for putting my feelings into words. I am regularly in the pit; my poor children must be scarred from my outbursts. My husband just doesn’t understand and only aggravates me further when I’m feeling on the edge of sanity. Doesn’t he know that logic doesn’t fix emotion?? So emotionally vacuous. Most times I just want to leave and never return; but I actually think I just need respite; just a little break ..and if everyone could just damn well listen to what I’m saying the first time before I shriek like a banshee, that would really go a looong way towards cushioning and nurturing that last little shred of sanity. Thank you for helping me feel like I’m not the only one. xx

    Reply

  193. Thank for this post. I feel every word of it.
    I got tired of feeling like that and two weeks ago I started taking antidepressants. I know motherhood is hard for everyone but I needed help. I don’t want to pretend to be happy at bithdays and christmas anymore. I don’t want to hide in the bathroom (like I am right now) while my kids watch tv. I hope the pills will help.
    I realize that you wrote this months ago. I hope things are better for you by now.
    ??

    Reply

  194. Thank you so much for the courage and clarity it took for you too write and share this. I identify with every word, Alissa…utter exhaustion, depletion, and shame on the soul level. I can see your light and compassion from down here in my Pit and I’m feeling so relieved that I’m not alone in this struggle. Xo

    Reply

  195. Thank you for writing this.. I’m not alone. Nor had the words to articulate what’s wrong. It’s me.

    Reply

  196. I’m in need of that light! Wow! To read exactly what Im feeling, the tears just wont stop. But I do have faith in myself to push through this.

    Reply

  197. Just read this – I’ve been parenting for 24 years. My oldest and youngest have been my challenges. They sure shine brightly, but oh, those strong wills! There were so many days of parenting from the pit, and I wondered if my oldest and I would ever have a relationship. But he is 24, pretty amazing, and we are close! This is good to remember because my 13 year old daughter is now in a challenging place. And I desperately want to be her safe haven, but the frustration (that sadly turns to anger, then guilt) is very present. And I guess it’s just a relief to remember that this isn’t easy some days – and I’m not alone. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for the comments. And just know – our kids are resilient, they know we love them, and this phase will pass.

    Reply

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Hi, I’m Alissa, a mom to three learning alongside you as we build connected, resilient families.

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