Raising Problem Solvers – The One Question to Ask Before Helping Your Child
If there is one skill I wish I had taken more seriously earlier in parenting, it would be teaching my kids problem solving. I came into parenting with a mindset of wanting make my kids happy (I write a little about that in this piece on realizing it’s ok for my kids to be angry sometimes.) I equated a peaceful home with successful motherhood, and this means I have often offered help in the name of keeping the situation calm, instead of allowing my kids to face frustration and experience finding their own solution.
While I still highly value peace, I am coming to terms with the fact that in order to teach my kids resilience and learn how to deal with the problems they will undoubtedly face, they must get lots and lots and LOTS of practice problem solving. That’s why I have been asking myself this one question each time I am tempted to help my kids, or when they ask me for help:
Is this something they can do by themselves?
- If so – am I going to help them or is this a good chance to allow them (or push them) to do the work themselves?
- With younger children we often jump in without even being asked, simply because it takes a long time for kids to do things themselves. However, whenever possible, if you allow that time, you’ve given them one more time to practice a daily life skill – the more independent they get the easier things will be for you both.
- Sometime I offer help because I’m uncomfortable seeing my child struggle. Implementing the 17 second rule, where I wait at least 17 seconds before jumping in, has been very important for me in breaking this habit.
- My oldest child often gets unsure or overwhelmed. When we’re learning something new we need lots of encouragement and time for training. The tasks we as adults think should be easy, are still new to our kids. Even when they’re not new, our kids are growing and learning so much each day that the old sometimes feels new.
- I am practicing encouraging my son and asking a question back when he asks me things that I believe he can do or find out on his own. It might be a guiding question like, “Where would you find that information?” When he’s overwhelmed instead of saving him from frustration I am trying “You seem a bit overwhelmed by this task. What is the next little step you can take?”
If the answer is no – this is not something you believe your child can do on their own, my next question would be:
Is this something I can support them in doing at least partly by themselves?
Your three year old wants to make lunch. If she can’t spread the peanut butter, can she work with you and plop the jam on the bread? Could she press the pieces together?
All of the little actions we do so easily as adults are built of of thousands and thousands of practice times doing those actions. We have a large “bank” of ready actions for facing a new problem or frustration.
Each time we support our child through doing something on their own we help them build resilience and increase their own competence and capability bank. Often I struggle with how much longer this takes, but I am reminding myself that when I shortcut by doing something for my kids that they could manage on their own, it’s not a true shortcut. It only leaves something they will need to practice later.
My job is to raise capable independent people. I better give them lots of chances to practice, mess up, and try again while the stakes are not so high as they will be once their out on their own.
How are you with this? Do you feel you help more than is helpful?
More Resources for Problem Solving and Resilience:
- Resilience Activities – 9 Resilience Building Activities for Parents to do with Kids
- Anxious Kiddo? Get Back Calm With These Basic Questions
- Encouraging Words for Kids – 64 Positive Things to Say
64 Positive Things to Say to Kids
Subscribe to Download your FREE printable of 64 Positive Things to Say to Kids
The examples given are awesome. I was struggling how to be a positive, loving parent. After learning the 64 phases to use, it has helped tremendously.
Yes! I’m having to work at this right now by getting us all up and moving 30 minutes early (whyyyyy, God!?) so my 5yo can tie his OWN shoes and put his homework in his bag. Morning is such a struggle and so frustrating, so I’m hoping the extra time will make us all handle it with grace and pride instead of nagging and screeching.
This is definitely a focus of mine as well. My oldest gets frustrated very easily and I know that I need to help her gain skills to help deal with that. Especially in today’s world, problem solving and coming up with new and creative solutions is essential. Thank you for sharing this tips! I’m heading into the weekend with some new ideas!
nice
Scott Wishart
My husband & I were just discussing this about our almost-2 year old. She gets frustrated and starts to cry fairly quickly. She knows the sign for “help,” so my first reaction is to say, “did you ask for help,” or “do you need help,” but I wonder whether I should be waiting it out a tiny bit to give her a chance to figure it out. Is she too young? I usually take her hands and show her how to do whatever it is she’s trying to do, and sometimes she remembers for the next attempt, but not all the time. Sometime I reminder her with a cue that I showed her “you use your thumb,” or whatever it was. So I just wonder how much problem solving we leave to her at this age. Thanks.
It’s teaching common sense. I’ve actually had no choice but let my daughter be independent, she won’t let me help, but she gets frustrated a lot. The road I’ve taken with this one is hard, especially when in a hurry, but I try my best to keep calm, start earlier if we have to leave and make grand jesters while I mimic what she’s doing. Ex: putting shoes or socks on. It doesn’t work all the time and I’m stuck saying we’ll try again later or let’s take a break and she cries her frustration out (without my help, because she’s 3 going on 13) but it doesn’t happen as often as it used to. After she cries it out, she goes back to the task and does it with flying colors
I recently started doing this with my almost 3 year old. I’m usually more direct and ask “How can you/we solve this problem?” then coach with follow up questions and encouragement. The reward is seeing her face light up when she is able to solve the problem or we do it together if it’s beyond her abilities. 🙂
It is SO frustrating watching my 2yo try to do things. I’m kind of a control freak (letting LOT go lately, haha) so its harder for me than him. Simple things like him struggling taking his socks off, when I can just do it myself in 2 seconds. Argh
I have control issues as well. While looking at a child (now grand kids) struggle I attempt watching from a less invested position. For the more verbal child I play a step by step announcer to the many fans showing interest and asking the invisible audience if they can figure out what happens next, what went wrong, will our hero make it to school on time, what will he do (fly)? This keeps me in a funny voice and us on the same side. For the younger I examine how they are using their fine motor skills, more self talk to keep my hands to myself. Their self esteem and confidence was worth the stress of being late and missing thing while my daughters grew up. Good luck finding what works for you.
Thanks! I so wish I had read and learned things like this earlier in parenting.