They Imitate Kindness
I read the sweet comment and felt a twinge of fear.
The comment, on 100 Ways to be Kind to Your Child said:
“The best thing I have seen about showing kindness to your child, is that as they grow older, they show that same kindness to you and to others – and that is a joy to behold.”
Why would I feel fear when reading that? I suppose fear might be a little off the mark…I felt overwhelmed.
Sweet and simple, on the surface, but it felt overwhelming when I thought of the number of times I’ve spoken or yelled in an irritated and angry voice. The times I’ve snapped at my kids. The times I’ve been unkind.
You might read one of the many articles I have here on dealing with anger and think I have it all figured out. (And I would laugh and laugh.) The thing is, this is a continual process. The phrase or tool that inspires you at one point in time changes. As I develop and grow in my parenting and in life in general, I spiral back to some of the most simple lessons and see them afresh.
The comment about kids imitating kindness gave me a twinge of fear because I know they imitate me, not only when I’m being kind. I am at a point where I can admit that I hear it in their exasperated voices and in the angry words they fling at one another – they’re imitating me.
Something to do rather than something to stop
In those unkind times I’ve felt out of control, unable to stop myself from yelling and acting mean. It feels in those moments like I have no resources left to act in kindness. These are the times I’ve felt scraped empty with nothing to give. Adding on the command that I’ve got to STOP YELLING when I’m at that point feels overwhelming.
But one thing I know about myself is that I do better with a thing TO DO rather than something NOT to do. I looked at the comment and thought, what if I can just tip the scales? What if I can move us into have more kindness to imitate? Instead of something to stop, it gave me a something to do.
So I began with that focus – I will give them kindness to imitate.
I began resting in the truth that my kids imitate kindness.
They imitate kindness.
We sometimes go through yelling cycles in this house, and I know I contribute to them by yelling back at the yelling. I felt that if I could focus on one thing, and that one thing was using a kind voice, then maybe I could start a new cycle, one based in kindness.
They imitate kindness.
It has been my mantra in the past month, and I can tell you, it helps.
Not only has it been my mantra, I’m reminding the kids that that’s what we’re working on. When they use an exasperated tone with their siblings I hear my own exasperation in their voices and it doubles my determination to be kind.
I say, “Hey, remember we’re all working on using a kind voice. We can speak respectfully. Do you hear how my voice is calm?”
I apologize when I have snapped and say, “I’m sorry, I really snapped. We’re working on using kind voices. Let me try that again.”
It doesn’t mean I don’t get impatient. It doesn’t mean I don’t get frustrated.
But when I’m angry, I’m thinking: ‘What if my job right now is to experiment with how it feels to handle frustrations while using a kind voice?’
I don’t have to get all the words right. I don’t have to know how to handle every discipline situation the right way. I can just experiment with using a kind tone even when I am upset.
And it’s working. Kindness is working.
Those kids crave kindness. They crave the answer to how to deal with their frustration in ways that don’t make them feel worse.
I’m seeing the kindness coming back in so many ways –
I’ve heard it when my 9 year old says, instead of an impatient, “MAMA, let’s GOOoooo!!,” “Mama, I know you like blogging, but isn’t it time to go?”
And when I see them interact with each other I see them trying on kindness. “I want some time by myself,” instead of, “GO!! NOW!!!” They aren’t perfect -it’s pretty hard to remember to be kind when your brother is tormenting you to try and get a reaction, but I am seeing results.
Seeing Kindness
Perhaps these kind moments have been here all along, after all, I am not the mean and yelling mama all the time myself. I think, however, that I’m seeing the kindness more because of our focus. Much like keeping a gratitude journal, having a focus on kindness is making us notice the kindness that surrounds us.
If you’d like to join us this month in using a kind voice as your habit, I’d love for you to let us know – what mantra or phrase will you say to yourself to yourself to remember your focus?
I’ll be adding more posts on this topic. You can find them all collected here:
Use a Kind Voice, Even if You Have to Fake It
64 Positive Things to Say to Kids
Subscribe to Download your FREE printable of 64 Positive Things to Say to Kids
First,Thank you for this article, my wife found it on Pinterest, I (we) detest our own voices and sit in bed talking about talking more kindly to each other and especially the kids, most days are good but the others are awful, and we call each other on those awful days. Mostly, I am the energy sucker, I don’t use demeaning words, but my body language and tone can be diminishing I’m certain. I cuss which I hate , I’ve sworn up and down to knock it off, I tell my friends I need help,guys don’t often think it’s that bad,but I know it’s a form of intimidation which is bullying play in my book. I want to imitate kindness too, so my tool is to kneel down to there height and be at eye level then whisper “ we are kind and loving “ even in public. ours boys show love and anger. kindness and empathy, well , We need improvement, and I know I Must be an example. I can see the lack of confidence in our 5 year old already, so I am responsible for restoring that in him.I am responsible, yuck , for showing lack and low self esteem. I have work to do on myself to be the father I always wanted. Thank you again for your blog and all the ladies with great words of wisdom. I do not see one man here? I’m certain there are men who yell too.
Our granddaughter is living with us and has been since she was almost 11. I have done everything for that girl, but when she turned 14, she has a smart mouth, lazy, won’t put her own trash in the trash, leaves messes for me to clean and then when I don’t like something she says, she comes back at me with something so hateful that may be a lie or not and she won’t let me finish what I was saying and keeps running her mouth. She won’t listen to anything we tell her that will help her. She chews with her mouth open, smacking her lips, eats sweets and her face is broke out severely with acne, overloads her mouth with food and tries to chew with her mouth so full, that she looks like a chipmunk packing food. She is a grade A student and she listens at school, but won’t listen to anything outside.
Our daughter said to me, “Just because you’re angry, doesn’t mean you have to yell.” That stunned me. I said, “You’re right.” And I’ve been trying ever since, but this post is a wonderfully written reminder and helpful bit of advice.
I yelled this week, and I’m probably having a harder time getting over it than the kids are. Our elder daughter is 6, and I hear her commanding her younger sister in the same tone I use: “Get. That. Off the shelf. Now.” Snippy!
So, my key word may be MIRROR. And I will remember that they are mirroring me, and try to show a better side of myself by using a kind voice.
I love where you said “it’s okay to experiment.” That was very encouraging. Thank you.
I also came across your website from a pin on Pinterest and I’m glad I did. There are some days that are just so frustrating, raising 5 young kids, and I lose my cool with them and yell. I really don’t like it. I feel terrible about it after and even during the yelling. I’m glad I found this post because I think it can be the start of my turning around and not yelling when I usually would. I don’t want my kids to grow up remembering that I yelled, or yelling at their kids. I can see that they are imitating me with lots of things, and I’d much rather they imitate the good things! The more good behaviours I can give them to imitate, the better, right? I’d love to post a link to this on my blog if that’s alright!
I am so glad that I took the time to read this. It was like you in my home! I have been struggling with exact thing for months. I am going to do everything I can to do this. I pray it makes a differnt in my household thanks again.
Best wishes Wendy! Sometimes it seems like we just need a kindness “reboot” around here.
I am a major culprit in yelling and using negative words especially on my 9 year old because I feel that at this age he should be adult-like, but am getting it all wrong. Your site is a great inspiration, , keep up the good work. Am trying so hard to remain calm in face of tantrums especially from my 9 year old. I also noticed that the way cant control my emotions towards hjm, the same way he cant control his. I had to take a course on etiquette to work on myself and my kids but its quite frustrating as they tend not to adhere especially the 9 year old who is the eldest. I really want him to a role model.
Hi Ada,
Yes, we learn SO MUCH about our own emotions while dealing with our kids, don’t we? I have this resource page on dealing with anger, you may find a few ideas to put into practice there too. http://bouncebackparenting.com/resources-to-stop-the-yelling/
Best wishes, and good for you for all the work you’re doing! ~Alissa
My 4yr old now tells us when he we not using the right tone of voice, makes you stop and rethink what your saying 🙂
Thank you for posting this.
Beautiful Dawn, thanks.
Alissa, I’m the queen of feeling bad about myself as a mother, so I just wanna tell you that you ARE modeling kindness, even if you don’t see it. A couple years ago I was having a really bad migraine, and my then 3-yo sat at my bedside and stroked my hand. I was so incredibly touched. My sister had to tell me, “Dawn, duh, he learned that from YOU!!”
Thank you for this post. I just randomly stumbled on your site from a Pinterest link and I am glad I did. I see my three year old following in my footsteps – good and bad. I am trying to stop the bad, but it is hard some days. Even the nearly two year old is starting to imitate Mommy’s “NO!”. We all need a reminder every now and then…. I will start today – more kind words… less yelling. less being short. less being frustrated….
Glad you found us Kelli. Some days really are VERY hard with kids, particularly with toddlers. Bit by bit, tipping the scale towards kindness and learning more as you go on how to parent and how to handle your own emotions makes a big difference in the long term. You’re doing this, even if some days it feels totally crazy. Thanks for your comment. ~Alissa
It is so true. After 6 kids I know it is true. And its not just yelling or grumpy words they imitate. For example, we have a real problem with the kids trying to “parent” each other…but what that really means in our house is that try to give each other consequences – like “If you do _____ I will give/let you _____.” Or the negative flip if you don’t do what I say about _______ then you can’t _______. And of course that comes from me. And its good parenting right? So why does it sound so wrong and manipulative and self-centered coming from my kids? It really has me thinking about what I really want to teach them in our day to day interactions (and manipulation and coercion is not on the list!)
My kids do that “parenting” one another too, and boy, you’re right, it gets me thinking a lot a out what I put out there! I do love it when I see the sweeter parenting moves repeated at least, like when one of them falls and the other two are kind and pause to help the fallen child up and check in – those sweet moments give me hope that I’m getting a few things right 🙂
Am in!
“They imitate kindness”, indeed! Just as they imitate anything, really…
You’re right – it is good to think of it as something to do instead of something to stop. I like that perspective – it relieves me from the guilt I would normally wallow in instead of actually doing something about it. I’m also thankful for your honesty. As much as I believe it’s a good thing to use a gentle voice, and not yell… At the same time I wonder if we never did mess this up, how are they going to handle the real, adult world when a boss or a customer yells at them? We need to be ok with making mistakes in this area at times and then ask for forgiveness and teach them that my mistake is not your fault (I hope that makes sense). I also think in general, kids will yell. It seems to be human nature – but certainly our gentle worlds example, and giving them chances to re-do it better, help. I really hope my kids don’t grow up to be yellers at their kids, so I need to teach and exemplify a better way. That being said, my mother wasn’t a yeller at.all. Yet I struggle with it. So we can’t take it all on ourselves either.